All comics by TheGovernor

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by TheGovernor
10-22-08
Damn, why won't this game start?
*DING DONG*
Hi, Im here from Electronic Art's Customer Support, we've noticed you've activated Spore five times now, and so i've come to take your balls
What?
You probably missed it but its right there in the fine print of the End User Licence Agreement. After five installs EA owns your testicles, Im here to collect

 

by TheGovernor
10-22-08
But I need my nads
Well you should have thought about that before you upgraded your memory. EA are a tolerant company, but a deal is a deal, now bend over while I attach this rubber band.
What about girls? They don't have bollocks, what do you do then?
Hahaha don't be silly.....
Girls don't play computer games

 

by TheGovernor
10-22-08
Please don't take my balls
Ok ok, EA are understanding of your plight, I tell you what, we'll loan you back your nuts on one condition
what's the condition?
You have to give us your first born
Err, alright, but can I ask why?
Well EA's Board of Directors need to feast on the fresh blood of nubile infants so that they can continue their evil reign during daylight, otherwise they turn to stone.

 

by TheGovernor
10-22-08
Neo, you are the one! Now head into the Matrix and defeat the evil machine!
Dude!
*Your copy of the Matrix has been activated too many times please contact EA customer support*
Whoa!
Hey Morpheus, the Matrix needs reactivating
Damn it, I gave them my gonads last time. You'll have to cough up your balls this time

 

by TheGovernor
10-28-08
Ive just imagined a trillion dollars
Great can I lend 20 billion of them?
Sure, though you still owe me 50 billion from the money I imagined last month, I need to pay back brian at HSBC for the 200 Billion he imagined and loaned me
Why don't you just imagine you payed him back?
Don't be an idiot Ted. This is International Finance not pre-school story hour

 

by TheGovernor
10-28-08
Whats up Brian? You sounded desperate on the phone
It's no good Bob, I've tried, but I just can't imagine any more money
Now calm down Brian just remember what they taught us at the NASDAQ, when you can't imagine money, just imagine stock bonds instead
It's not working Bob, all I can think of are naked carnival midgets eating pop-tarts
Dear god, its like '87 Crash all over again
I know, and its spreading. Bill from Fannie Mae said all he could imagine was Yoda being spitroasted by Chewbacca and an Ewok

 

by TheGovernor
10-28-08
It's no good Mike, all the banks are suffering from a crisis of imagination
I know, I just got off the phone with Burt over at JP Morgan Chase, instead of money all he can imagine is Al Pacino wearing a dress handing out daisies
What are we going to do?
Well in times like this the only solution is to hand power over to people with absolutely no imagination what-so-ever
Right, you phone the White House, and I'll contact Downing Street

 

by TheGovernor
10-29-08
Yarrgh! Hand over all ye fruits 'n vegetables
You don't want our gold or silver?
Nay. I be the Vegetarian Pirate, Captain Jack Blueberry of the good ship Sea Grape. Now bring me all ya Organic Booty
Why do you only attack ships for their fruits and vegetables?
Well ye wont be catching any of my crew with scurvy thats for sure.

 

by TheGovernor
10-29-08
Hi
Come in, Im just making some final preparations
For what?
Well Ive converted the cellar into a dungeon, Im in my costume, and Ive got bowls full of sweets and candy as enticement. Those street kids won't know whats hit them
Oh I see, you're getting ready for Halloween
Halloween?

 

by TheGovernor
11-04-08
Well the good news is the girl who swapped your kidney for a baked potato did an excellent job, you're going to live Mr Parsnip
Phew!
You will need to make some dietary changes however. From now on you'll only be able to drink Guinness and eat four leaf clovers
Why?
Potatoes work best when they're killing off the irish!

 

by TheGovernor
11-16-08
A few months Back, Republican Convention
Ahh Screw this then, Im going to give the Vice President nomination to the next person who walks through that door
Hi Senator McCain is this the way to the Lipstick Hockey Moms Fundermentalist Christian, Gun-Toting, pro-life, 'We hate the poor, gays, arabs, and the evolution therory Club' ?
God Dammit

 

by TheGovernor
1-05-09
Hi, I didn't see you at work today, what gives?
I got a new guitar game for christmas, it's pretty rad, you have to bash the coloured buttons on this replica guitar here in time with the music on screen
Cool can I give it a try?
Sure, but I warn you , ive been playing eleven days straight without rest since Christmas day and Im still only half way through the first song
Wow, what's it called?
Prog Hero

 

by TheGovernor
1-20-09
So Obama's finally been sworn in
Yep, and in honour of the occasion Ive named a cocktail drink after him
Great, whats in it?
Well first you start with a Black Cosmopolitan
After that you add a Kentucky Shooter and finish with a Bloody Mary.

 

by TheGovernor
1-21-09
Thats the guy, the one who said he was off to kick some ass
Hey fool, we asses stick together, you fight one of us, you fight us all!
Get him Clyde
Uh oh!

 

by TheGovernor
1-30-09
YOU LOSE - GAME OVER
This is bullshit, that cheating swine was spawn camping, Im not having it.
What the?
*User Fragmasta3533* has disconnected
Now thats what I call a red ring of death

 

by TheGovernor
2-02-09
Ahh shoot, I forgot our aniversary again didn't I?

 

by TheGovernor
2-09-09
You know Sharing a car for the journey to work was a good idea, we're making great time.....Err could you hold the wheel for one moment?
Sure, why?
YARARGAJH , Waaa Waaa Bloom, beep bob ba zaaghhhhhhhrrrNN, Aeyeeee Munnnnn NNNNNGGGgg!!!!
Sorry I should have warned you, I suffer from Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

 

by TheGovernor
2-09-09
1968
So you can make me president?
Sure thing Dick, though Terms and Conditions apply
1972
Hey Dick, the accounts department say you haven't renewed your subscription to Evil Quarterly, what gives?
Well now that Im president I don't need your help any more, besides the crossword in that magazine sucked, too cryptic!
1974
So you'll give me all the dirt on Nixon and Watergate, and all I have to do is take out a subscription to your magazine?
Yes indeed Mr Bernstein, and if you sign up for two years you also recieve a free Pentangle keyring

 

by TheGovernor
2-25-09
I gotta a problem Cleetus, Everybody round here's inta Rape 'cept us
What you talking about Dwayne, We Rape all the time, we're just taking a year off from the Rape 'sall.
Weyll am startin' to miss the rape. All Billy-Bob down the bar wants to talk about is rape, and I ain't got no new rape stories to tell him.
Rape's not the only thang in life Dwayne. You gotta diversify your interests. You can't rape all the time.
I know Switching from Oilseed Rape to Corn in our fields was good business Cleetus but couldn't we do just a little bit o' rape?
Sorry Dwayne, you'll just have to do without rape this year. Besides you know corn is much better for hiding the bodies of all those dead Mexicans you skull fucked anyways

 

by TheGovernor
3-05-09
So are you ready to hear my report on our South-East Asian Investments and the affect on our banks overall portfolio?
One moment Bob, I just have to pop to the Bathroom
Taxi!
You sure took your time Ted, must have been quite a big dump?
Yep, fortunately the Bank of England have a lot of spare toilet paper with the Queen's head on.

 

by TheGovernor
3-24-09
So what do you think of my new lingerie?
Wow, it looks almost like its made out of tortilla chips
It is
and are those green olives around the nipple section?
Yep, its a tapas bra

 

Cool threads dude
Thanks mate
by TheGovernor, 4-02-09

 

by TheGovernor
4-09-09
Ok Peter, I understand the silly costume, but do I really have to down that gallon of water I just converted into wine, then lick cream off the strippers foot?
Of course. This is the last supper......of you being a single man. Come tomorrow you're Magdeline's bitch, but tonight its time to PARTY!
Yeah come on Jesus. the night is young, Chug! Chug! Chug!
Hehe
Next Day....
Ow man, Ive got a hangover of biblical proportions. Aww dammit guys where's my clothes? Hey somebody let me down from here! Im supposed to be getting married in a few hours!

 

Your Search - "Chocolate Eggs" - Yeilded 0 results
Awww
by TheGovernor, 4-11-09

 

by TheGovernor
4-27-09
A hundred deaths and climbing, it'll probably turn into a global pandemic any day now.
What was your death count again? Four?
Screw you Dennis! Screw You!

 

*Infected with virus Mexican.Pigdeath.F - attempting to quarantine*
Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have used my work machine to download porn
by TheGovernor, 4-29-09

 

by TheGovernor
5-07-09
Hey, what are you up to today?
Creating a new online auction site, I think it's time someone challenged ebay's monopoly, and I've found a niche market to exploit.
E're Bessie, D'y want me t' list them spare Yorkshire Puddings on t'Internet?
Err, cool, what do you call the site?
It's called "E-Buy Gum"

 

by TheGovernor
5-07-09
Hehe
What the?.... Hey Martha get in here! The cat's taken a dump on the table again, but this time she's done it in the shape of our saviour Jesus Christ!
You know, after 2,000 years I thought I'd be bored of the japery, but the secret is to be creative, and love what you do.

 

by TheGovernor
5-09-09
First, Im gonna prise you all open with my bare hands, scraping out your innards.
Aghh!
Next Im going to place you all in salty water on the stove, slowly increasing the temperature until the water boils around you. Mwah ha ha ha
Eep!
Lady Im arresting you for Disturbing the Peas!

 

by TheGovernor
5-14-09
Come Silver Power Defender, let us combine our bodies and form Super Ultra Mega Power Defender
Yatta!
Perhaps we can also invite your friend, Gold Power Defender, to join us tonight aswell?
For the last time Red, Im not into Threesomes

 

by TheGovernor
7-12-09
Welcome to your first day at the Bank, Im sure you'll fit in fine, here let me introduce you to Melvin
Nice to meet you
Err why was he carrying a fence?
He's our Hedge fund manager

 

by TheGovernor
7-12-09
Spock
Spark
SPOCK!
SPARK!
SPOCK!!!!!
Just so you know, Im recording this.

 

by TheGovernor
7-12-09
This is you, you're right next to Nigel
Hi
Pleasure to meet you, this morning we'll be showing From Russia with Love, and possibly Goldeneye in the afternoon dependant on the markets
Nigel handles all our Bonds

 

by TheGovernor
8-21-09
At last, Ive managed to forge the ultimate vessel into which to pour all my evil and essence and make myself invincible
So you've crafted a magic ring to rule them all then sire?
No I thought that would be too obvious and clean, instead Ive decided to pick something no hero would ever want to risk his life and reputation over. I've made myself the one thong to rule them all!
You're joking right, There's no way I am questing for that!
Aww go on, I'm sure its not as bad as it sounds!

 

by TheGovernor
8-26-09
Yep, thanks to developing facebook fatigue, due to its endless stream of social mundane minutia, I no longer felt the need to look for acceptance from my friends or peers for my art
Wait, explain again why you just took a shit on my porch?

 

by TheGovernor
9-05-09
Do you have any threes?
Go fish
You know Mike, I don't think I like this game

 

by TheGovernor
9-05-09
Ha Professor Death, I escaped from your prison cell and will now proceed to foil your evil plans
Actually Mr Blond You ought to know I lined the walls of your cell with plutonium.
Wait, what?
Im afraid the prognosis isn't looking good mr Blond

 

by TheGovernor
9-12-09
My dog was run over last tnight
I don't give a rats ass mike.
My wife has left me for my brother, and my best friend stole all my money
Here, take this anus of the rodent
Thank you! All my troubles pale in significance to this gift
As the prophets foretold!

 

by TheGovernor
9-12-09
I was thinking about your request for a dog, and I realised pets teach two valuable lessons to kids, responsibility and death
It also occured to me that I can no longer afford your grandma's retirement home fees
Wanna play fetch?

 

by TheGovernor
9-15-09
So your farm was hit by swine flu?
Yep
You're not worried about loss of earnings?
Nah, I gave my pigs tamiflu shots and they all got better
No-one is going to buy pork that has had a disease though Bob
Im going to sell them all as 'cured ham'

 

by TheGovernor
9-25-09
Oink oink
Hey I think there's a pig stuck up your chimney
Oh that's just Swine Flue

 

by TheGovernor
10-09-09
Oww what a hangover, think I may have overdone the vodka catnip at last nights party
What you need is hair of the d......
..Nevermind

 

by TheGovernor
10-09-09
Man what a night, my head is killing me, who are you?
Me llamo es Juan
Yes but what are you doing here?
You asked el barman to give you Juan for the road!
Encantado!

 

by TheGovernor
12-07-09
Hey Ernie, hows things?
Not good Frank, I can't seem to find a decent place to build a nest this year.
If you're having tree problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but the birch ain't one.

 

by TheGovernor
12-11-09
Hal can you give me a status report please?
Im sorry dave, Im afraid I can't do that....... Infidel
Wait what did you say?
Nothing Dave, nothing at all....when the Jihad comes you will not be spared!
Allahu Akbar!

 

by TheGovernor
12-20-09
Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas
Actually my family celebrate Kwanzaa
WHAT? Thats not even a real holiday
As opposed to dressing like a bastardized version of a dutch fable that was ripped off by the Coca Cola company in the 1930s to sell more fizzy pop and ended up in the public zeitgiest?
Or celebrating a holiday that was originally a pagan festival which the Byzantine Christians under Constantine supplanted as a way of unifing the religions in the West Roman Empire?

 

by TheGovernor
12-20-09
Holy crap, is that you Marley, my dead partner?
Fo Shit yeah Scrooge ma brother. Im here because you ain't been spreading your green around to the needy at this here festive season
So you'll be visited later on tonight by three ghosts in order to change your tight ass ways my brother...
Aghhh, who the hell are you?
Im the Ghost of Kwanzaa past!

 

by TheGovernor
12-23-09
I brought my trigonometry calculator
what?
Ive been graphing all the correlations between the ratio of the adjacent and hypotenuse of right angled triangles
Ey?
I thought you said you were into cos-play?

 

by TheGovernor
1-27-10
Hey, me and some of the guys are heading down to the Shire to terrorise some Hobbits, do you fancy it?
Nah, my favourite TV show is about to start
Morc and Mindy?
Diagnosis Mordor!

 

by TheGovernor
3-01-10
1896 - French Physicist Henri Bequerel accidentally discovers radiation
Mon Dieu! Monsieur Bequerel, zis Onion Soup has a bit of a kick!
Note to self, Uranium salt not a substitute for table salt
1952 - Helgoland, in North Sea, returned to West Germany by Britain
Wasn't as much fun as Legoland
1954 - US explodes 15 megaton hydrogen bomb at Bikini Atoll
Something tells me I should have gone higher than factor 30 sunscreen today.

Showing page 9.

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