All comics by choadwarrior

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by choadwarrior
12-02-03
Have you tried any of the homemade candy I brought in yesterday yet?
Um...yeah...it was really good.
Hmmm...he's obviously lying.
Yup...I ate the whole bag...sure was yummy.
I'll just have to poison his coffee instead.

 

by choadwarrior
12-05-03
Excuse me, do you know where the closest Starbucks is?
I don't think we have any of those 'round here.
That's strange, I thought I was still in San Diego.
Did I make a wrong turn and end up in Calcutta?

 

by choadwarrior
12-05-03
This is an unsual office building for a school district.
It was originally a K-Mart.
I wondered why I was itching.
Really? It just fills me with despair.

 

by choadwarrior
12-05-03
It looks like I can't come down this weekend.
How come?
My wife is really sick, so I have to take care of the kids.
I was really looking forward to it, but I understand.
I guess I'll just have to drink all this absinth by myself.
I hate that guy.

 

by choadwarrior
12-06-03
Get away from me dog. SCRAM!
Don't worry, I'm a friendly dog.
I was bit by a dog when I was a child, so I'm afraid of them.
You don't seem all that afraid, that's why I walked up to you.
Can't you smell the fear on me?
No...the bacon and stale beer must be masking the odor.

 

by choadwarrior
12-06-03
It must be tough being a lesbian midget.
It is, but I have a support group.
We lesbian little people like to stick together.
Okay--that image is now seared in my brain.
We call ourselves Carpet Munchkins.

 

by choadwarrior
12-11-03
There's a red, crewneck sweater with a wide navy stripe I want.
OK.
It's Liz Claiborne. I saw it at Macy's on sale for $59.95.
Ok.
The SKU is 998382713.

 

by choadwarrior
12-11-03
Did you want something?
I just called you two seconds ago--why didn't you answer?
Yeah, I heard. I'd call you back, but I'm on the toilet.
Gross. You take your computer into your bathroom?
I call it the "crap-top."

 

by choadwarrior
12-14-03
We're going to have a holiday breakfast for our department on Friday.
Ok.
We'll also exchange presents.
I don't even bless you people when you sneeze--what makes you think I want to buy you stuff?

 

by choadwarrior
12-15-03
I have to buy Christmas gifts for my co-workers and I have no idea what to get them.
What did you get them last year?
I got one some candles, one a picture frame, another got a plant, and two got wine.
You really shot your "gifts-for-middle-aged-women" wad.
The only thing left is gift certificates for hormone replacement therapy.
Mustache waxing is probably cheaper.

 

by choadwarrior
12-15-03
I want to make sure the gifts for my coworkers are meaningful.
What message are you trying to convey?
That I haven't paid enough attention to them over the past two years to have any insight into what would interest them...
...and that their contributions to the office are worth precisely $15 to me.
Gift certificate.

 

by choadwarrior
12-16-03
Which co-workers do you have to buy gifts for?
Stinky, Wacko, Mudslide, and Susie the Hut.
You wouldn't have to agonize over this if you told them your pet names for them.

 

by choadwarrior
12-16-03
I volunteered you to do another training for 400 people.
What topic?
"Dealing With Difficult People."
But I'm a difficult person to deal with.
Yeah, none of the other directors wanted to teach that with you in the audience.

 

by choadwarrior
12-16-03
You deal with difficult people all day--you're perfect to teach that class.
My technique is too simple, I don't know if I can stretch it out to fill an hour.
What do you do?
I let people scream at me until they are exhausted, then I assure them that their feelings are unimportant.
And that difuses their anger?
I really don't know.

 

by choadwarrior
12-16-03
I need you to find some loop-holes to exploit in a bad contract we're in so we can get out of it.
If there's a problem, yo, I'll solve it! Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it!
You know, we like you, but we don't understand why.

 

by choadwarrior
12-17-03
Okay...we just have to do one last thing...
Oh yes. THAT.
This is what he really said (as if I had no idea what he was doing).
There's a finger up your butt.
I have no idea how to respond to that.
This is what I wish I had said.
There's a finger up your butt.
No, there's a butt around your finger.

 

by choadwarrior
12-18-03
I really like wine, so I tend to get a lot of it given to me during the holidays.
Cool.
The problem is most people don't share my taste or knowledge of wine.
So, I'll drink it.
That bottle was given to me by a Mormon.
**CHOKE**

 

by choadwarrior
12-20-03
I hope you like the wine I gave you.
I can enjoy any wine. The important part is to match it with a complimentary food.
What do you think you'll serve my bottle with?
Spaghetti-O's

 

by choadwarrior
12-21-03
I'm trying to lose weight, so I'm going on the Atkins diet.
Balance and moderation are the keys to health and happiness.
Yeah, but those carbs will kill you.
I eat a single bowl of rice a day.
You really ought to give that up.

 

by choadwarrior
12-22-03
I have to quit my job because my mom just got hired, and they have a policy against family members working together.
I actually hired my mom to work for me once when she was looking for part-time work.
That was nice.
Well, it was for selfish reasons.
Why is that?
I wanted to rip down the "Your mother doesn't work here, please clean up after yourself" signs in the kitchenette.

 

by choadwarrior
12-23-03
Can you wrap up my dinner and bring me my check? I have to hurry home and masturbate.
Sir, I really didn't need to know that.
Hey, this is a nice restaurant...
If I'm going to treat myself to an expensive dinner, I'm sure as hell gonna get something out of it.

 

by choadwarrior
12-23-03
I need you to find out why church attendance is down.
It's the Atkins Diet.
It's not so much you they have foresaken, but the carbohydrates that represent you in Holy Communion.

 

by choadwarrior
12-25-03
Hi! I bought you a Christmas gift, even though I haven't worked for you in months.
Oh, you really shouldn't have done that.
I know, but I really enjoyed working for you.
Oh, you really shouldn't have done that either.

 

by choadwarrior
12-31-03
So you're one of those Log Cabin Republicans, huh?
Yes.
Of all the gay people I know, I don't think any would set foot in a log cabin.
We weren't always known by that name.
Why'd you change it?
"Vacation Rental on Fire Island Republicans" was drawing the wrong crowd.

 

by choadwarrior
1-02-04
Have you seen those new Dow Flushable Toilet Wipes?
No, what are they?
They're little towels you wipe the seat with and flush when you are done.
Wow! Just when you thought they were out of ideas...
Along comes something new for women to nag their men about in the bathroom.
I hope Costco sells them by the case.

 

by choadwarrior
1-02-04
Hello, son, I was just calling to say hello.
Hi, mom, I'm in the middle of cleaning the place from wall-to-wall.
I didn't know you were moving.

 

by choadwarrior
1-03-04
Did you just get back from vacation? I couldn't get a hold of you the other day.
What do you mean? I never left town, mom.
Well, I called and called and called, and you weren't there, so I figured you went somewhere on your time off.
That's strange--there weren't any messages on my answering machine, and my cell phone never rang.
Oh, I didn't leave any messages, I didn't want to bother you.

 

by choadwarrior
1-07-04
Yarr! How about some hot pirate love, wench?
What exactly does that entail?
Have ye ever been hook banged?
Yikes! No!
I'll find your G-spot and show it to ye.

 

by choadwarrior
1-07-04
I had to change my network password the day before vacation, now I can't remember it.
Just call I.T. and have them reset it.
I'd feel like such an idiot. I remember the word was something in my office.
Twinkies?
That was last month.
Pork rinds?

 

by choadwarrior
1-07-04
Can you believe that asshole pirate? He said he wanted to "hook bang" me!
Ook?
He called it "hot pirate love." AS IF!
Ook?
No, I'm not into hot monkey love either.

 

by choadwarrior
1-10-04
Honey, I think it's time we spice up our sex-life.
What did you have in mind?
I thought we could invite another couple in.
Sorry, dear...
But the only swinging going on in here is between my legs and sagging around your chest.

 

by choadwarrior
1-10-04
Our sex life hasn't changed in forty years.
That's not true.
For the last twenty, I've been able to penetrate and titty fuck you at the same time.

 

by choadwarrior
1-11-04
Oh, sick! The baby just barfed all over me.
I can't believe so much goo can come out of something so tiny.
Isn't that how you got her in the first place?

 

by choadwarrior
1-11-04
Well, here's my place...what do you think?
What's that smell?
Dirty dishes, feet, and loneliness.

 

by choadwarrior
1-11-04
How's the fettucine alfredo?
Eetsa very authentic.
Authentic? How do you make it?
With the finest lesbian porn and some guy named Alfredo.

 

by choadwarrior
1-13-04
BURRRRRRRRP!
Oh, pardon me.
VRRRRRRRP!
How embarrasing! Excuse me.
AAAAAH-CHOOOO!
Aren't you going to say, "God bless you?"

 

by choadwarrior
1-13-04
The whole time my husband and I were dating, he'd tell me I was "a keeper."
We've been married for 25 years, and he still says I'm "a keeper."
Of course you are.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just meant they only make you throw the small ones back.

 

by choadwarrior
1-13-04
My life is so crazy, I should write a movie about it.
Yeah, kinda like "My Big Fat Greek."
Don't you mean...
You heard me.

 

by choadwarrior
1-15-04
I am so hot.
Who the fuck told you that?

 

by choadwarrior
1-15-04
You're so condescending.
I can see why someone like you would think that.

 

by choadwarrior
1-16-04
I really want to make up for all the problems my company has caused you.
We finally agree on something.
How about if I take you out golfing on Monday?
How will that solve our differences?
You won't be able to get away from me, so I'll have the opportunity to wear you down over four-and-a-half hours.
Now I know what they mean when they say golf is a nice walk spoiled.

 

by choadwarrior
1-16-04
Michael Jackson, how do you react to your first day in court?
I'm not a pervert. That judge is the pervert.
What do you mean?
All lawyers kept saying, "Excuse me, you're on her," and "Sorry, you're on her."
I think that is spelled H-O-N-O-R.
I think he's got a little girl under his desk.

 

by choadwarrior
1-17-04
You are the least charitable person I know.
That's not true.
I give to the homeless all the time.
How so?
I don't expel all the nitrous from my whipped cream cans before I throw them in the dumpster.

 

by choadwarrior
1-18-04
Your brother's wife is insisting on throwing my bridal shower.
You might as well let her...she'll pester you until you relent.
She want's to make it a "Mad Hatter's Tea Party" theme.
That's perfect...go as the Chesshire Cat
Why?
You can just smile and disappear.

 

by choadwarrior
1-20-04
Hey Myers, you have great taste in music, you should burn me a CD.
I don't have a CD burner; how about a tape?
I don't have a tape deck, but you could send it to me via streaming audio.
How do I do that?
Apparently in your case, with two coffee cans and a strand of yarn stretching from Atlanta to San Diego.

 

by choadwarrior
1-22-04
Hold it right there, mister.
I'm going to have to write you a ticket.
I don't think I was speeding.
You weren't, but aren't you retards supposed to wear helmets?

 

by choadwarrior
1-23-04
Hey boss--you missed a belt loop on your pants.
I'd fix that right now, but I don't want to be seen putting my belt back on in your office.
Yeah, people might figure out how I got that big promotion.

 

by choadwarrior
1-27-04
Aren't you that Cousin Larry guy from Perfect Strangers?
Yes, my name is Mark Linn-Baker
I haven't seen you act in anything recently.
After the show was cancelled, I never had to work again.
You made that much money?
No, my agent stopped calling me.

 

by choadwarrior
1-27-04
Ellen Degeneres, your humour contributed to making "Finding Nemo" the top-grossing animated feature of all time.
Thank you.
How did you prepare for your role?
Same way I prepare for everything...
I ate lots and lots of tuna.

 

by choadwarrior
1-28-04
I know I don't have an appointment, but I thought I'd corner you in your office and yammer on about "touching bases" and "assessing your needs."
I can't talk to you right now, I have a major deadline.
Well, I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd drop by. Is there anything my company can do for you?
I need you to leave or you will cause me to miss my deadline.
What is it you're working on?
Not killing you.

Showing page 9.

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