All comics by count_libido

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by count_libido
10-24-06
Okay, now just read what's on the card...
...aaand action!
"We take the freshest salad, add some salsa and finest juicy chicken breast and wrap them in a flour tortilla. It's delicious!"
Cut!
That's a wrap!

 

by count_libido
10-24-06
Have you got your costume for the Halloween party yet?
Nah...
...but I was thinking of going as a food mixer.
Why?
So I can blend in!

 

by count_libido
10-25-06
BBBRRRRAAAANNNNSSS!!!!BRRRRAAAAANNNSS!!!!!
Don't you mean 'brains'?
No, I'm vegetarian.

 

by count_libido
10-28-06
I've been learning sign language.
Oh rilly?
Look! You know what this means? Huh? Do you? I'm waving my hand. It means 'hello'. Did you get that? Did you?
So that's sign language huh?
Can you guess what I'm saying now?

 

by count_libido
10-30-06
Huh? Oh noes! Aaah!
What happened to him?
He was over at my house when my book case fell on top of him. I feel so guilty!
You shouldn't blame your shelf.

 

by count_libido
10-30-06
So, have you come up with a new idea for the next Star Trek franchise?
Sure have!
Pitch it.
Get this: The guy who plays Commander Riker saves with Earth from invasion by piloting a 50ft high wrecking ball.
What do you call the show?
"Frakes on a Crane!"

 

by count_libido
10-31-06
So uh, you like music?
Yeah sure.
Who's your favourite band?
It's the Smashing Pum...
Er...McFly. It's McFly.

 

by count_libido
10-31-06
What was your last boyfriend like?
He was a Mummy.
Why'd you guys break it off?
He was too wrapped up in himself.

 

by count_libido
11-02-06
Ok, you got two minutes. Hit me!
It's a detective show set in a furniture store.
What do you call it?
CSI:Kea!

 

by count_libido
11-02-06
Man, I'm sick of this! Everyone Halloween, one of my buddies gets carved up by some human!
I know what you mean. We need to stop this. I've lost too many friends at this time of year.
You know what? I know this guy who can do something about it. I trust him, he's one of us.
Well heck, let's call him up! This year the pumpkins strike back!
One phone call later...
Hey you! Yeah - you! C'mere hippy!

 

Post-Joke fallout
Look, I told the waiter and now I'm telling you. I was nowhere near that soup!
by count_libido, 11-02-06

 

by count_libido
11-02-06
Okay, what do we have here?
Someone's murdered a sofa.
What kind of sofa?
*Hoopli*
Is that the brand name?
No, I just have hiccups.

 

by count_libido
11-06-06
Wow, Cardiff sure is a nice city!
Sure is!
You know...I hear strange things can happen to you around here...
Well as long as we're careful nothing like that should happen to us. "Touch wood!"
Meanwhile, in a secret HQ beneath the city...
I thought you said that no one knows about us!
He said TOUCH wood!

 

by count_libido
11-06-06
Fireworks.
Yes.
Do you know how many people call this 'bomfire' night instead of bonfire?
I know what you mean!
It's annoying when people don't say things right. Does it bother you too?
A lickle bit...

 

by count_libido
11-09-06
I just read this article in 'Robot Weekly' titled "Are you a Transformer?" and I got 7 out of 10 questions correct.
Well, have you ever tried to transform into anything?
Nope. Should I give it a try?
Go for it!
Well? Do I look cool? What am I?
...the most evil creation known to MS Officekind!

 

by count_libido
11-09-06
Hey! Maybe if we combine our efforts, we can transform into something really cool!
If it makes you happy...
TRANSFORM!
Hhrrrnnhhh!
Cool! What now?
Let's go find Kudos!

 

by count_libido
11-09-06
You've been a great crowd! Goodnight!
Tune!
The next day...
I went to see a zombie DJ last night.
Was he any good?
He was spinning in his grave!

 

by count_libido
11-14-06
Yes, can I help you?
Yarr, I be lookin' fer some seasonal work. It be too cold fer piratin' at this time o' year!
I think I have just the thing!
Later...
The first thing we need to do is dye that beard white.

 

by count_libido
11-14-06
Okay, let's practise the laugh shall we? "HO-HO-HO!"
YO-HO-HO!
Close enough...

 

by count_libido
11-15-06
You should go outside and meet Rudolph.
Yarr! So be it!
Yarr, ye must be Rudolph!
...the Red-Nosed Reindeer, that's me!
Now I know where all my rum went...
*hic*

 

by count_libido
11-15-06
Ok, we're going to check your people skills on the test subject next door.
Next door...
Yaarr! I've checked the list twice - Ye've been naughty! Now... walk the plank ye scurvy dog!
Waaaah!
Later...
OK, let's review. Where do you think you went wrong?

 

by count_libido
11-16-06
Today we are going to deliver some presents.
Yarr!
We need to deliver the presents quickly and accurately from the sledge. Do you think you can manage that?
Yarr! I've even made some special modifications to the sledge to help ye!
Five minutes later...
You fitted a cannon to the sledge didn't you?
Yarr, I'd be lyin' if I said I didn't.

 

by count_libido
11-16-06
Is this your finished Xmas list? Okay, I'll post it to the North Pole for you.
Here, help me answer some of these children's letters to Santa...
Yarr!
A week later...
Yay! Did Santa write back to me?
He says you made the naughty list so he's sent you the Black Spot.

 

by count_libido
11-17-06
Yaarr! Who be ye?
I'm one of Santa's leprechauns!
Shiver me timbers! I thought Santa employed elves not leprechauns!
Aah, us leprechauns are cheaper to hire. He gets us over from Ireland, t'be sure!
Oh really?
No, O'Reilly!

 

by count_libido
11-20-06
HO-HO-HO!
YO-HO-HO!
Look, if you can't do the laugh right, don't do it at all.
No-ho-ho?

 

by count_libido
11-20-06
Some of the locals want to tell me what they want for Christmas. Go and take their orders.
Yarr!!
What can Santa get ye?
I want to know what to give my dog for Christmas. Should I get him some Pedigree Chum or a bone?
Yarr, what be ye dog's name?
Niknakpaddywack.

 

by count_libido
11-20-06
Like my new front door? It's made from sponge.
Is it any good?
You can't knock it!

 

by count_libido
11-20-06
I was going to write my Will today...
Did you do it?
Nah, life's too short.

 

by count_libido
11-20-06
Yo man! Gimme your wallet!
Eep!
I just got held up by a man with a gun. He took my money!
I dunno, people with guns who say "give us your money" you have to hand it to them don't you?

 

by count_libido
11-22-06
Hello?
Is John Hurt?
Hello?
Is Sir Ian Holm?
Hello?
Is Brian Blessed?

 

by count_libido
11-25-06
Are you some kind of animal?
Yup!
What kind of animal are you?
I'm a mole!
But you're green!
I'm a guacamole!

 

by count_libido
11-27-06
The Captain wrestles on the horns of a dilemma...
... so I don't know. What do you think?
Well it's six of one, half a dozen of the other...
Captain to Bridge: blast this sumbitch! Yeah! Eat my deadly frap rays!
Aaah!
Ow! What did you do that for?
Sorry, I thought that was you Borg name!

 

by count_libido
11-27-06
Cap'n Santa, there's one more xmas list you need to collect...
Aye-aye Santa!
Yarr! Do I recognise ye?
Maybe. I was in Pirates of the Carribean. I did all the underwater stuff!
Yarr, let me check the nice list and the naughty list. By what name do they call ye?
Johnny Depth!

 

by count_libido
11-27-06
I think there's someone at the door.
I'll go look.
Can I help you?
'Ello 'ello 'ello! What's all this then? Did you dial 666?
Maybe... why?
Then you called the police upside down!

 

by count_libido
11-29-06
I think someone has stopped payment on my reality check...

 

by count_libido
11-29-06
I plan on being more spontaneous.
When?
Tomorrow.

 

by count_libido
11-29-06
Whatcha looking at?
Internet newsfeeds.
Any interesting stories?
"Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake"
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle...

 

by count_libido
11-29-06
I finally finished my ad for the personals column.
"Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship."
What do you think?
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

 

by count_libido
11-29-06
If you're American, you should always wear a t-shirt!
Why?
Cos the Constitution says so!
I don't think that's what it means by 'the right to bare arms'...

 

by count_libido
12-01-06
*sigh*
What's the matter?
Grass seed always makes me feel sad...
Why?
Because it's for lawn...

 

by count_libido
12-02-06
Bonjour!
Hello.
Do you 'ave any pepper?
Black pepper or white pepper?
Non! Toilette Pepper! I must merde!

 

by count_libido
12-02-06
Good Morning. Now I want you to get undressed and stick your tongue out of the window.
Why? Will it make me feel better?
No, I just don't like my neighbour.

 

by count_libido
12-02-06
Want to see a picture of my new girlfriend?
Sure.
Don't we make a lovely couple?
I think you look fastideous.
What do you mean?
She's fast and you're hideoous.

 

by count_libido
12-07-06
Cap'n Santa, I have a gift for you to deliver.
Aye aye Santa!
It's Santa Claus! yay!
Yarrr! It's Cap'n Santa or just call me Santa.
Why?
Yarr! Because I'm a rebel without a 'Claus'!

 

by count_libido
12-07-06
So... ye live at the North Pole, yarrr?
That's right!
An' ye be part of all things Christmas?
Sure am!
Yarr, what's your favourite food?
Mistle-toast!

 

by count_libido
12-07-06
So how's that Father Christmas gig working out for you?
Yarr! It be fine. It's just like being the boss in an office.
How so?
Everyone else does all the work but the fat guy in the suit takes all the credit! Yarrr!

 

by count_libido
12-07-06
Yarr! Want to see something really Christmassy?
Using the Kasparov defence, I can finish this game in 10 moves!
Ten moves? Pah! I will get checkmate in a mere three!
Yarr! It was Chess nuts boasting by an open fire!

 

by count_libido
12-11-06
Wanna bite of my sandwich?
No thanks. I only eat office supplies these days.
Is that healthy?
I believe in a staple diet.

 

by count_libido
12-11-06
Chateau Libido...
Wow. I think I hit 10,000 posts.
Meanwhile in SFX HQ...
Ian, we have another ascendee! Count Libido has hit 10,000 posts.
Pah! Most of them are complete rubbish. Filter out the awful puns, bad cartoons, song lyrics and referencces to cheese and give me the actual total.
Er... one.
He made it into single figures? I am surprised.

 

by count_libido
12-12-06
Officer! I just saw a suspicious sandwich with two wires sticking out of it!
Is it tickin'?
No, I think it's beef.

Showing page 9.

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