All comics by ivytheplant

Profile

 

by ivytheplant
2-20-04
Coming this fall to the WB! A teen drama that's really real!
Wanna come over tonight? I could always blow off my hot college boyfriend.
Nah. I've got a date with a hot college guy from out of town.
I wish I had a boyfriend. I wonder if she's bluffing.
Maybe she's bluffing. I wish *I* had a boyfriend.
Real High School! Only on the WB!
Looks like another night of masturbating with Ol' Sparky.
Looks like another night of masturbating with The Pink Wizard.

 

by ivytheplant
2-21-04
I have good news and bad news!
Oh?
The good news is the universe isn't dying!
Yay!
The bad news is, neither is GW.
ba-da-ching!

 

by ivytheplant
2-22-04
Democrats say:
Life sucks. It's the Republicans' fault!
Republicans say:
Life sucks. It's those damn liberals' fault!
Third-parties say:
Life sucks but it would be better if the voters stopped supporting a corrupt, two-party system!
Word!

 

by ivytheplant
2-22-04
How does it feel to be another year older?
Kinda weird. I feel like I've been 30 all my life so it's really not much different.
Well, you have a few more years to go then.
No, I hit thirty in 1823.
Wait...what? You're not serious about being 211 years old?
I'm always serious. Check my records. Gonna go hit the cake. Later.

 

by ivytheplant
2-22-04
:(
I have most of the current administration tied up as piñatas in my basement. Wanna go hit them with golf clubs?
Are you trying to cheer me up?
Yes. Is it working?
Only if I can use the driver.

 

by ivytheplant
2-23-04
Who are you planning on voting for this year?
I'm not voting. It's pointless since the popular vote doesn't elect the president.
That's the way the system works. The people we elect to choose for us chooses the president.
But opinions change over time. The people who elected Rep A might not like him anymore because he turned ito a dickhead or the people changed their opinion.
TBC...maybe...
But you gotta admit we have gotten some good presidents under that system.
Yes, but I want to be able to make that choice. If I'm part of the group that elects a fuckhead, then at least I can be proud of my decision knowing that it was mine to make.

 

by ivytheplant
2-23-04
But if you don't take action, then how can you expect to help change the system.
I was active and it did squat. I can be as active as i want, but ultimately, I'm powerless.
You're really cynical, you know that?
Not cynical. Realistic. Why do you think I seceded?
You're still confined to US laws.
Depends on November's outcome. If it sucks, then Ivytopia's moving to Canada.

 

by ivytheplant
2-23-04
So who are you going to vote for?
There's only one man for me...
He might suck. He might publicly strip. But he's our last, best hope for the White House...
In 2004, vote Brad!

 

by ivytheplant
2-24-04
You drowned them for years, because you were a right bastard.
mew! *splash!*
So when you died, after a life of torturing innocent animals, Management thought it only fitting to reincarnate you as a cat in the home of someone like yourself. Over and over. For eternity.
This is gonna be fun. Heh heh.
Welcome to hell.
Not again!
Hey kitty...let's go for a swim...

 

by ivytheplant
2-24-04
What's the current moon phase?
Waxing. Why?
Gonna go take a shower.
Wait. You only shower during a waxing moon?
No silly. I have to use a certian shampoo during the waxing moon.
Silly me.

 

by ivytheplant
2-24-04
C'mon! Put em up! C'mon! That all you got? Huh? Huh?
Hey! Where are you taking me?
Aieee! *splash*

 

by ivytheplant
2-24-04
Alternate version
C'mon! Put em up! C'mon! That all you got? Huh? Huh?
Hey...put down that lighter...
10 minutes later...

 

by ivytheplant
2-26-04
Once upon a time...
You're getting cranky. Go take a vacation.
Ooookay...
So where are you gonna go?
I'm not sure. I was thinking of something exotic or perhaps a paradise.
Spending a week at Staples is not a vacation.
Tomato tomahto, my friend.

 

by ivytheplant
2-26-04
Oo! Giant crocodiles, cheap gasoline, and neatly layered sedimentary strata! This is perfect!
[Printing directions to Kemmerer, Wyoming...]
A couple days later...
Yay! I'm finally here!
Wow...there's nothing here.

 

by ivytheplant
2-26-04
So Mr. Local Person, where can I find the giant crocodiles and neatly layered sedimentary strata?
Git back on US 65 going NW, drive about half an hour until you see a big metal gate on your right. Turn in there, be careful not to hit any badgers...
Badgerbadgerbadger!
Huh?
Badgers...got it...
The ya follow the road til you see another road with a big sign...

 

by ivytheplant
2-26-04
Two hours later...
I'm still in the middle of nowhere...
You're driving on restricted land.
A ranger! I'm saved!
Why am I always on patrol when the weirdos show up?
Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger!

 

by ivytheplant
2-26-04
Back at the visitor center...
The bathrooms are behind that wall, next to the flunky offices, and the museum with the giant crocodile is behind us.
Did you say...flunky offices?
Yup. Filled with useless forms, office supplies, and a lack of storage space. The usual.
Do you do any...filing?
I try to, but have you ever tried to organize a government office? Their system isn't based on common sense. It's based on an ancient system passed down by the demon Beaurocratia in the year 12000 BC.
A new system? One not based on common sense?? I'm SO glad I brought my camera!

 

by ivytheplant
2-27-04
I must see this filing system and document its existence!
I'm not supposed to let civilians back there.
I'll give you a cookie.
Deal.

 

by ivytheplant
2-27-04
Here it is, a government flunky office.
This is so exciting! Badger badger badger--
Please don't do that.
Sorry. So, how are things filed?
Everything is given a catalogue number consisting of indecipherable letters, numbers, and miscellaneous punctuation. From there, they go across the building for approval...
It's like...another dimension!

 

by ivytheplant
2-27-04
...Once the files have been approved by the superintendant, they come back to this office where the flunky in charge must sign off on another form, saying it's been received...
Feeling dizzy...
...Then I have to make no less than three copies. The original gets sent back to the sup's office for the secretary to sign a form saying they've been received to file in the master cabinet...
I'm not sure I can take much more of this...
...Meanwhile, the flunky in charge signs another form saying the three copies are in her possession and file them in any of the 6 other filing cabinets, in random order that has nothing to do with...
*faint*

 

by ivytheplant
2-27-04
A couple hours later in the flunky housing complex...
Sorry about that. I should have warned you about the intensity of the filing system.
I think I'll recover, but it will take a while.
In case anyone asks, you didn't hear it from me. These filing systems are top secret.
What if someone does find out about my taboo knowledge?
Tell them the Area 51 aliens told you. Those guys are always trying to expose our secrets.
This isn't going to result in me being taken away by a black van, is it?

 

by ivytheplant
2-27-04
Now that you're feeling better, do you want to go see the giant crocodile and neatly layered sedimentary strata?
Oh! Do I!?
You might want to put on a hat and SPF 80 sunscreen. Your pale filing clerk skin will fry in a second.
SPF 80?
Yeah...you're at almost 9,000 feet elevation. The sun is harsher due to the lack of oxygen.
That might explain the filing system...

 

by ivytheplant
3-01-04
I did a marathon SC creation earlier and now I'm wiped.
So I read. Having an affair with a pasty filing clerk are we!?
I admit it, I do have a crush on mmyers, but he's unobtainable.
*sniff* I go off and you flirt with another cartoon character behind my back in my time of need! *sob* *sob*
You know you're the only cartoon for me!...well...except for Hot Rod and Batman.
*pffff*

 

by ivytheplant
3-01-04
Are you in?
A-HA! I got you conspiring against the government!
No! It's just my nationwide plan!
Oh...sorry. My mistake. Carry on.
Heh heh...sucker!
I wish I was in.

 

by ivytheplant
3-05-04
So what's Ivy like when she's drunk?
I dunno. She's never been drunk.
...You're...kidding?
Nope.
On second thought, she's insane sober. Wouldn't want to make it any worse.
That's what I've said.

 

by ivytheplant
3-06-04
Well Chris, I got the rental car for today. Though I must admit I'm jealous.
Why?
It has a better sound system than my car, TVs, stereo, and computers combined. Must...resist...urge ...to...steal...car!
Be right back.
What did you do?
The car is now yours.

 

by ivytheplant
3-08-04
So I have this English instructor that's a total loon. For reasons I'll go into in another strip, she's certifiable. Anyway, her cell phone policy for the classroom is if the cell rings...
She gets to answer it. Naturally, Ivy's decided this is a great opportunity to have some fun.
So what I need people to do, is call my cell phone between 10AM and 10:50 AM MST. That's 9-9:50 AM West Coast, 11-11:50 AM Central, and 12-12:50 PM Eastern.
But this is Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays only. Any other day will get a snarky recording.
This is a real nation with which Ivytopia has had diplomatic dealings. Name used because I can't think of anything else.
What should you say? Well, be creative. Say something ridiculous but not inplausible. Like say security's been breached and I'm needed. Or the Toakan* diplomat is early and I'm needed.
So anyway, Ivy's cell phone # is 307-761-2441. Go on, give her a call and annoy an insane teacher today.

 

by ivytheplant
3-08-04
So I have to take freshman english this semester cause even though I took it about 9 years ago during high school (as a college course), UW decided not to transfer my credits.
Typical university insanity.
The class started fine. I thought the syllabus showed oddly intensive work for a 1000 level class, but figured it should be easy to do since I can write pretty much anything half asleep.
Of course it wasn't that easy?
Exactly. The insanity asserted itself in the second week. Namely, with an essay where the assignment sheet used the word "problematizer."
Wow! I didn't know English teachers can actually REWRITE the language!

 

by ivytheplant
3-08-04
So I was sick for a week and emailed her asking if she could let me know what I missed.
What happened?
A five-page diatribe on how I should re-examine my priorities yet she doesn't "dictate" my life and "doesn't care" about my "daily life."
Did she give you your assignment information?
Nope. But she did say that my writing was "decent" and "better than most people" my "age."
Gee. That's nice of her. She's how many years younger than you? And you have how much more writing experience and published works than she does?

 

by ivytheplant
3-08-04
So on Friday we got our new assignment. We're supposed to live a week "without excuses" and write a paper on how our lives are affected by it. Also, we have to pick a relevant quote to write about...
...
...or watch Office Space and write a paper on how the main character "takes charge of his life" and becomes a "self-governing individual" and the contrast of the supporting characters.
Are you sure this isn't a psychology class?
I'm pretty sure it's still freshman english.
Wow. What's your next assignment? Analyzing her dog?

 

by ivytheplant
3-08-04
Should I worry that Ivy is wearing aluminum foil on her head?
In normal houses, yes. But not here. She's dyeing her hair.
Ah...ha. What color?
Purple. She decided she missed the good ol' days.
Now she's making "meep-meep" noises.
This is where I usually get out of the house and wander around in large, safe crowds.

 

by ivytheplant
3-09-04
Well?
Looks awesome, babe.
Too bad the SC audience can't see how cool my purple hair is.
Well, there IS only one way to remedy that...
BRAD! Add the Ivy character already you big lug!
www.ivytheplant.com/ivy-r.gif www.ivytheplant.com/ivy2-r.gif www.ivytheplant.com/ivy-l.gif www.ivytheplant.com/ivy2-l.gif

 

by ivytheplant
3-09-04
"When I retire, I'm moving to Ivytopia"
Though a very worthy goal, why not move now?
"Beautiful...and DEADLY! (mmyers)"
Two of my best qualities.
"Makes toilet humor intelligent - MikeyG"
We all have our talents.

 

by ivytheplant
3-09-04
"How do I love Ivy? Let me count the ways. (UE)"
I'm still waiting for those ways.
"mmm. tasty. -niteowl"
No commento, por favor.
"grows on you --um"
Like the plague! Mwah ha ha ha haaaa!

 

by ivytheplant
3-09-04
"Lovely, deadly, and goddamn funny (<3 Match)"
Oh! These chAHming young men DO flatter a gal so!
"like Will & Grace, only he's straight(gk)"
But not narrow. And I'm a SHE, damnit!
"NEENER NEENER! I got to see her booty! (AtheistD)"
Name dropper!

 

by ivytheplant
3-09-04
"Gives me hard nipples."
Is that all?
"Ivy is a big black rectangle. (<3 dcom)"
I've always thought of myself as more of a trapezoid or parallelogram.
"ivytheplant ivytheplant does whatever an ivy can't"
This is my favorite. It's very catchy. I suspect it will be the newest song fad in 2004.

 

by ivytheplant
3-09-04
At Wal-Mart...
I called yesterday about an HP DeskJet 5150. I was told you have them in stock but I can't find any.
It's right here. *points*
That's a Lexmark 5150m.
Right. A 5150. Only 5150 we have.
Do you even understand the concept of sale stock?
You said you wanted a 5150. That's a 5150. So do you want it or not?

 

by ivytheplant
3-09-04
Act 1 Computers
Hi, I'm looking for an HP 5150 printer...
"Please hold..."
Northwest Computers
Hi, I'm looking for an HP 5150 printer...
"Please hold..."
Office Depot
Hi, I'm looking for an HP 5150 printer...
"Please hold..."

 

by ivytheplant
3-09-04
*blink* AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!
What's wrong?
My contact lens just ripped in half in my eye!! Ow!! Must...see...optomotrist!
The electronics place called. Your car's wiring has been so screwed with, they'll have to charge you full labor.
*whine* Great. What else can go suck?
Aren't you supposed to be in lab right now?

 

by ivytheplant
3-09-04
So with working my ass off to try and keep up with my english teacher's insanity, I've somehow managed to forget all my other classes.
Uh-oh. How bad is it?
I just found out I had a meteorology exam today but I wasn't there because I forgot about it in my quest to find a printer so I can print out english insanity papers without trips to Kinko's.
Uh-oh...what are you gonna do now?
Pray. A lot.
You might want to head directly for a contract with Satan at this point.

 

by ivytheplant
3-10-04
*muffled sounds*
I love being your only source of The Daily Show now that Viacom is being rat bastards.
*muffled agreements*
I can get you to do pretty much anything in exchange for these valuable tapes.
Okay, your boots are tied. Now what do you want me to do?
A souffle would be nice.

 

by ivytheplant
3-10-04
Wrong
Wake up.
One more word and I'll remove your corneas.
Wrong
MacGyver is on.
Nice try. The VCR is recording it.
Right
The mail's here.
Me first!

 

by ivytheplant
3-12-04
Razzlefrazzle ruckumfluckum gungajunge mumblegrumble...
??
What's up with the Atheist?
My Viacom channels are back so I'm not his slave anymore.
He's taking it rather hard.
Yeah, he'll have to learn how to tie his own shoes now.

 

by ivytheplant
3-12-04
Razzlefrazzle ruckumfluckum gungajunge mumblegrumble...
Um...are you okay?
My insane English teacher gave me a D on my midterm portfolio.
Ouch. Did she say why?
No. Not a single little red mark.
I guess it should be expected, coming from a person who thinks "When the kitchen had been cleaned,/I knew my wall/Had been built miles longer and higher." is good poetry.

 

by ivytheplant
3-14-04
Good news. Not only are my channels back, but I got to see the Chapelle's Show I missed thanks to a Saturday night marathon.
How is this good news?
Maybe not for you, but I'm no longer your slave.
You seem annoyingly jubilant over this.
Now when my mother asks me what I did all weekend I can answer her honestly.
*sniff!* I knew it! I'm not good enough for your family!

 

by ivytheplant
3-15-04
SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW!
Oh yes. Snow. Whee.
SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW!
Spring break in Laramie never fails to bring loads of snow.
While the wealthily fortunate get to escape to a sunny, tropical paradise, the rest of us are trapped in this icy hellhole. Damn you, God.
SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW!

 

by ivytheplant
3-15-04
I'm going on a Bahamian cruise for spring break! Where are YOU going?
Unlike you, I don't have money to waste on exotic adventures.
There MUST be someplace you can AFFORD to go!
Even if there was, I'm still stuck at home thanks to a lovely viral infection of my bronchial tubes.
Wow, bummer. I'm glad I'M not sick so I can enjoy the sun and beach!
Come closer. I need to cough on you.

 

by ivytheplant
3-15-04
My cute upstairs neighbors pack for adventures...
ALL RIGHT! SPRING BREAK!! YEAH!!
Adventure, here we come!!!
Ahem. Before you fine gentlemen wander into the great outdoors, or some island adventure, I think you should watch these training films in case of emergency.
Whoa, man. I never thought about zombie attacks. Or horrible viral infections that liquefy my insides.
Several hours later...
Yeah, and what about those cannibals? I think we'd better stay home and play it safe.
My work here is done...

 

by ivytheplant
3-15-04
Where are you headed?
I'm continuing my quest to thwart Spring Break plans.
Why don't you just let people have some fun?
Because, dear brother, not only am I NOT having fun, but I'm too sick to work any hours at the museum. Therefore, the world pays.
You are an evil, evil person.
Stop stating the obvious. Now grab that box of itching powder. I have several dozen suntan lotion bottles to fill.

 

by ivytheplant
3-16-04
Mom won't play with us.
Well, she's very sick.
Not sick enough to play with those toys she won't let us bat around.
That's her Discovery space shuttle Lego set. She's been looking forward to building it for weeks.
When she's done, I'm going to bat at it in indignation.
Try to break it. By my calculations, it will take her 10.5 more hours to build it and who knows how long to rebuild. That's time she can't spend getting in trouble.

Showing page 9.

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