All comics by kane2742

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by kane2742
2-14-08
*sigh* Another Valentine's Day alone.
Every girl I've asked out in the past 6 years has either said no or gone on just one date with me.
I can't figure out why, either. I'm smart, funny, nice, fairly good looking, in great shape...
Maybe your modesty is a turn-off.

 

by kane2742
2-14-08
Happy Valentine's Day!
I don't see what's so happy about it.
Did you get any Valentines?
No. I did get a letter from the last girl I dated, though.
If she's thinking about you on Valentine's Day, maybe she wants to see you again.
It'll be hard to see me since the letter said I had to stay at least 500 feet away. Maybe I'll get her some binoculars.

 

by kane2742
2-14-08
Are you and your boyfriend doing anything special for Valentine's Day?
Yeah, he's taking me out to a nice restaurant for dinner.
You guys are such a great couple...
You're like Sonny and Cher or Charles and Di.
Umm... thanks?

 

by kane2742
2-15-08
How's the job search going?
I was thinking about doing some work abroad with my church over the summer.
That could be fun.
Yeah, but when I called for more information, they told me not to call again and hung up on me.
Any idea why?
No. All I said was that I was interested in the missionary position.

 

by kane2742
2-15-08
You want a burger?
No, I'm a vegetarian.
Really? That's weird.
You don't eat pork because it's against your religion. Is that so different?
It's kind of like the pot calling the kettle... uh, never mind.

 

by kane2742
2-15-08
I saw this girl today who reminded me of Cesar Romero.
Oh, because she wears so much makeup that she looks like the Joker?
No.
She has a mustache?
No, she looks like Cesar Romero now.
But he's been dead for like 13... oh.

 

by kane2742
2-16-08
Do you think I look athletic?
Uh, where are you going with this?
Some guy - a coach or something, I guess - gave me his number and asked me if I was a pitcher or catcher.
What did you tell him?
I said it's been a while but sounded like fun and I'd be willing to try any position.

 

by kane2742
2-16-08
Welcome to your first day of leadership classes.
I'm going to teach you all to be leaders, take charge, and make all your own decisions
All you have to do is follow everything I say.

 

by kane2742
2-16-08
My boss and my professors are driving me nuts.
I'm so fed up with men.
Hey!
Of course, when I say "men," I'm not including you in that.
Is that supposed to be a good thing?

 

Have you seen the things the priest does to that altar boy?
Seen them?! I've been part of them!
by kane2742, 2-17-08

 

by kane2742
2-17-08
Do you want to join the gaming club on campus? It's pretty fun.
When do you meet?
Friday nights at 9 pm.
That's a strange time for a club meeting. Don't people have other plans on Friday nights?
Y'know, it's never been a problem.

 

by kane2742
2-17-08
My hands are so red and raw from the chemicals at work, and they just keep getting worse.
Whoa. Those do look pretty bad.
It hurts to even move them; it's interfering with school, my writing and drawing...
Not to mention your sex life.
That's it, I'm quitting my job right now!

 

by kane2742
2-18-08
Do you think it's safe?
I don't see any of the priests around.
Good.
Besides, who are they going to tell, you?
Well, apparently it takes thousands of years for them to stop talking about my relationships. Four Gospels: more like Four Gossips if you ask me.
Look on the bright side: If this gets out, it'll really fuck with Fred Phelps's mind.

 

by kane2742
2-18-08
Do you think it's safe?
...
Well?
You can see and hear those bombs, right? And see that pile of ash that used to be Corporal Johnson?
I didn't ask for you to paint me a picture. Do you think it's safe or not?
Yes. Yes, I do.

 

by kane2742
2-19-08
"This place looks pretty safe," he says. "Don't worry," he says.
Do you think it's safe now?!
I said I was sorry. I didn't even know robots could get papercuts, especially ones so severe.
"Sorry" doesn't put back arms.

 

by kane2742
2-19-08
I'm your husband from an alternate timeline and I'm here to save you, Jessica. The future of the human race depends on our son.
This is crazy. I don't have a husband. How do you know my name?
That's not all I know. Your birthday's June 29, 1982, your favorite color is dark blue, and The Wizard of Oz makes you cry because you used to watch it with your mom before she died of cancer
Wow. You must be telling the truth.
I love how much you can find out about hot women on Facebook.
I guess we should get working on that son now, huh?

 

by kane2742
2-20-08
Tonight, we have to put all the wasted food in a bucket and weigh it.
Okay.
At lunch, 44 lbs of food went in the garbage.
Only 44? We can beat that easily.
I'm pretty sure that's not the point.
Whatever. Hand me that lasagna.

 

by kane2742
2-20-08
A girl asked me out today. I turned her down, though.
Why? You've been looking for a girlfriend for months.
Staying lonely and bitter helps my writing.
You mean the writing that gets read by maybe 10 people and doesn't earn you any money?
That's a valuable contribution to the bitterness, too.

 

by kane2742
2-21-08
Excuse me. Are you Brian?
Whoa. I mean, uh, yeah.
I'm Jenni, your blind date. It's kind of funny that your name's Brian.
Why's that?
That was my name before the operation.

 

by kane2742
2-21-08
Whatcha doin'?
Checking Facebook. Wow, Andy's status could really be misinterpreted.
What's it say?
"Andy is killing hookers."
Oh, I see. He's really playing Grand Theft Auto.
See? There's that misinterpreting I warned you about.

 

by kane2742
2-24-08
I hear that there's going to be a movie based on the board game Monopoly.
I wonder how that's going to work.
I don't know.
Maybe it will be four hours long and appeal to people who like to spend a lot of time rolling dice.
When you put it like that, it almost sounds like a Lord of the Rings movie.

 

by kane2742
2-25-08
What's wrong?
Men. All I really want is a nice guy who'll tell me I'm beautiful once in a while.
I couldn't help but overhear. I'm a pretty nice guy and I think you're beautiful.
Go away, creep! We're trying to have a conversation here.

 

by kane2742
2-26-08
How'd your tennis match go?
I proved the Beatles wrong.
What do you mean?
Love isn't all you need.

 

by kane2742
2-27-08
Have you seen Brian?
He went to the Oscars on Sunday and got arrested.
Arrested? For what?
Sexually harassing celebrities. I told him not to take that motivational speaker's words literally.
Why? What did he say?
"Reach for the stars."

 

by kane2742
3-05-08
Where do all the porno comics go?
Back behind the counter.
These things are pretty weird. I prefer to get my porn the old- fashioned way...
On the Internet.

 

by kane2742
3-09-08
What movie do you want to get? How about Rent?
I own it.
The Miracle Worker? It's about Helen Keller.
I don't know if it's any good; I haven't seen or heard anything about it.
You like Denzel Washington, right? How about Déjà Vu?
I have a strange feeling that I've seen it before.

 

by kane2742
3-10-08
Watching Doctor Who reruns?
Yeah. The Doctor and that plant chick are flirting, which is kind of weird if you think about it.
Yeah. If you have sex with animals, it's bestiality, but what are you if you get intimate with a plant?
I don't know...
... a leafblower?

 

by kane2742
3-10-08
I just had a run-in with one of those new jerks at the plant. I told him to learn to talk like us or get the hell out.
Yeah. I'm sick of these people coming in and taking our jobs just because they're willing to work cheaper.
I know. They'll work for minimum wage; a lot of times, off the books, they make even less. We can't compete with that.
They're ruining this country. Personally, I think we should get rid of all of 'em.
Me, too.
Damn teenagers.

 

by kane2742
3-11-08
Karl Rove spoke at the University of Iowa on Sunday, where students continuously heckled him.
In response to their taunts, Rove said, "You've got a chance to ask your questions later and make your stupid statements....
"Let me make mine."

 

by kane2742
3-11-08
I can't believe Chris spit water at me. He's so immature.
He sprayed it all over my hair and face. Some of it went in my mouth. It was so gross.
Whoa.

 

by kane2742
3-12-08
Don't open the door!
Why not?
Wait until I get my pants up. I don't want everyone to see my pasty white ass.
Then get a tan.

 

by kane2742
3-13-08
Aargh! I'm so stressed out! I'm working three jobs and taking 24 hours of classes.
I know. School and work sure do suck, don't they?
Yeah. What's your load like?
Well, I just quit my job, but I'm taking 12 hours of classes, if you include my independent study of comic books.
I hate you so much.

 

by kane2742
3-13-08
Man, I hate Hummers. I don't need to compensate for anything.
Yeah, me neither.
What kind of cars do you guys drive?
A Prius.
Mini Cooper.
Yeah? Well I don't even have a car.

 

by kane2742
3-14-08
SO... YOU... ARE... FROM... JAPAN... HUH?
Yes.
DO... YOU... LIKE... ANIME?
You know, I speak English just fine. You don't have to be so loud and slow.
You mean I don't have to speak so loud and slow.
I'm sticking with "be."

 

by kane2742
3-14-08
Brian, this is Owen. He's a new foreign exchange student here for the semester.
HI... OWEN.... WHERE... ARE... YOU... FROM?
I'm from Manchester. And there's no need to shout.
Wow. You speak pretty good English for a foreigner.

 

by kane2742
3-15-08
Read any good books lately?
I've been listening to an audiobook lately. I don't think I'm getting much out of it though.
What's it about?
Sign language.

 

by kane2742
3-16-08
I've been told by a professor that the passive voice is used too much in my papers.
Oh?
Yeah. I was given a lower grade on my last paper because of it, even though I've never been taught that it shouldn't be used.
I think that the problem has been fixed in my most recent paper, though.
It shouldn't be counted on.

 

by kane2742
3-19-08
Do we really want John Cindy - er, I mean Sidney - McCain as our next president?
Probably not, Jim.
He attended all-male schools. You know what that means.
Closet homo, Jim.
His flag pin also has fewer than 13 stripes and 50 stars.
Must be a Cuban flag, Jim.

 

by kane2742
3-20-08
I just came from my psychology class. We were talking about how thing like advertising and peer pressure affect us.
It kind of pissed me off that the professor implied that we have such little free will.
You do seem pretty tense.
Yeah. I'm going to go have a cigarette.

 

by kane2742
3-20-08
I better go pack before I leave for the weekend.
You're going home for four days. How much do you need to pack?
Well, I at least need to pack my toothbrush...
...but first I have to find it.
Y'know, I usually don't have any trouble finding my toothbrush since I use it almost every day.

 

by kane2742
3-26-08
I walked in on one of my guy friends naked yesterday.
That's gotta be awkward.
Yeah, it is. I didn't see much.
That shouldn't make things too weird, then.
You misunderstand: I didn't see much because there wasn't much to see.
Oh.

 

by kane2742
3-28-08
I just read about a guy going to jail for burning a baby in a microwave.
That's terrible.
Everyone knows babies taste better slow-roasted.

 

by kane2742
3-28-08
I just read about a guy going to jail for burning a baby in a microwave.
That's terrible.
Apparently, he misunderstood the meaning of "baby back ribs."

 

by kane2742
3-30-08
Have you read about the Large Hadron Collider?
Not really.
Some people say there's a chance it could make a black hole.
That sounds pretty serious.
Another researcher said “the Large Hadron Collider might make dragons that might eat us up.”
Cool! Let's start that sucker up!

 

by kane2742
3-30-08
Are you learning anything in your classes?
Not really.
What about that Non-Western Literature class you're taking?
I guess that has taught me something.
What's that?
That contemporary Indian women can be just as boring as dead white guys.

 

by kane2742
3-31-08
Does anyone else think it's weird that we have a Professor Freeze and one of the VP's last name sounds like "Psycho"?
It's like our school's being taken over by DC Comics villains.
This is business class, not deranged fantasy time.
Yes, Professor Luthor.

 

by kane2742
3-31-08
Hey, Naomi. I like your name.
Yeah, yeah, yeah; It's "I moan" spelled backward. Like I've never heard that before, creep.
What was that about?
I don't know. I was just going to tell her that her name is Hebrew for "pleasantness." Apparently, it doesn't suit her.

 

by kane2742
4-01-08
I just found out last night that my cousin might be getting expelled for bringing a gun to school.
Whoa.
I didn't even know you could get expelled from preschool.

 

by kane2742
4-01-08
I read about a woman who stayed on the toilet for two years and got stuck there.
That's nice, Mom.
And another woman's skin grew into her couch from sitting there for years.
Okay.
Just thought you should know.
If you want to use the computer, all you have to do is ask.

 

by kane2742
4-02-08
Now, class, if you'll look up at the screen, I've found a link that could be helpful in your research.
Hmm. It's blocked. The school's filtering program must think it's porn or something. Heh heh.
No, they don't block porn.
...Uh, or so I've heard.

Showing page 9.

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