All comics by G0dItself

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by G0dItself
8-26-07
If you're Omnipotent, then why is there evil in the world?
I allow evil so there can be sin so you can choose to accept Jesus and be saved and avoid hell and go to heaven.
How long must unsaved people who sin stay in hell?
For ever and ever. Once you go to Hell, you can never leave.
Wouldn't it be better to let everyone go to heaven and just put sinful people in timeout for a while?
You better watch it little girl. You are skating on thin ice!!!

 

by G0dItself
8-26-07
Honey, time for dinner!
B... B...
No buts, its time for dinner. NOW!!!
But Mom, I'm working on the latest greatest torturing machine.

 

by G0dItself
8-27-07
Why did Jesus have to die for our sins?
His death , if you accept him as your savior, erases the original sin which was punishable by your mortality - thus allowing you to have everlasting life in heaven.
Couldn't you simply have forgiven the original sin and given us everlasting life without Jesus needing to die on the cross?
???
Yeah Dad!!! Why is that?

 

by G0dItself
8-28-07
Can I get into heaven if I do good things my whole life?
Doing good things is nice, but to get into heaven, you must accept me as your personal savior.
What would you be saving me from?
Burning in Hell for all eternity.
Who made up these rules anyway?
I'm not sure... It was "written" down somewhere about 50 years after I died.

 

by G0dItself
8-28-07
I can't wait to get to heaven so I can get my virgins...
When we get there, would you like to share them?
No, I want to keep my virgins all to myself.
You are going to jealously watch over them for all eternity? And you know that after a while, they won't be virgins anymore...
Well, maybe we could swap one or two of them...
Now you're talking!!!

 

by G0dItself
8-28-07
So what is the deal with dark matter and dark energy?
We posit that they must exist in order for the equations to work out in our standard cosmological theories.
Has anyone actually seen any dark matter or anything?
Well no, but we know it must be out there.
Could it be that you simply need a new theory of everything?
Good luck getting anything new published!!!

 

by G0dItself
8-29-07
So what is there to do up here in heaven anyway?
Bask in the glory of God!!!
several eons pass
So what ELSE is there to do up here?
I don't know... Do you want to come over to my place?

 

by G0dItself
8-29-07
Where do our virgins come from when we get to heaven?
Allah makes them for us.
Were they judged? Do they even have souls?
I don't think they existed before Allah gives them to us for our pleasure.
To bad we all weren't just created and placed directly into heaven...
Yeah, that would have made things a lot simpler.

 

by G0dItself
8-30-07
Why were the Jews your chosen people?
At the time, they were the only tribe to bow down to me.
A rare candid moment
Why is the "bowing down" and worship by others so important to you?
Low self esteem I guess.
Remember Adonai, true fulfillment comes from within....
She is talking crazy...

 

by G0dItself
9-03-07
Why don't you clean all this blood off the walls?
I've tried white-washing it many times, but the blood keeps showing through.
Why is that?
The images from the Old Testament are just too strong.
Why don't you let people know that they were just stories... that they didn't really happen like that?
Once even the most insignificant passage is found to be fiction, then the whole lot may become suspect.

 

by G0dItself
9-03-07
Excuse me, where are you going?
I had a vision from the Lord. I'm going to make a burnt offering of my son.
Why would you do that?
Just like with Abraham and Isaac, I put God first and have total trust in the Lord.
Well... good luck with that...
Stupid unbeliever...

 

by G0dItself
9-03-07
My friend Abigail told me that all that stuff in the New Testament didn't actually happen!!!
Well, it is true that certain parts were written under a certain "liturgical license".
She also told me that you probably didn't even exist as a person!!!
Well certain aspects of my life also were written so as to fulfill prophesy and to coincide with Jewish traditions.
I don't really understand what you are saying...
I liked it better before the bible was translated and everyone was illiterate.

 

by G0dItself
9-05-07
Is Christianity really a mono-theistic religion?
Well it kind-of started out that way, then merged with several pagan traditions and evolved into what we have today.
What are some of the various gods?
The trinity (father, son, holy ghost), devil, archangels, "ordinary" angles, saints, and Pat Robertson.

 

by G0dItself
9-15-07
You must believe in evolution and accept the "Good News" of our published scientific journals or you will burn in Hell for all eternity.
Thats a long time...
All martyrs that die for science will receive 76 fembots in heaven.
What about us heterosexual girls?
You will get R2D2 and C3PO
This really sucks...

 

by G0dItself
9-17-07
Well after receiving the televangelism broadcasts through the time warp portal, we have finally arrived at Earth.
Lets go checkout this Jesus guy at the time of the crucifixion.
Well, this is supposed to be when and where it happened.
No one seems to be talking about it. Nothing unusual seems to be going on.
What should we do now?
Lets go find out who really shot JFK.

 

by G0dItself
9-18-07
the tearing down
You are worthless and weak. You can't do anything by yourself.
I am worthless and weak. I can't do anything by myself.
The building up
With Christ's power, you can do anything. You must become part of God's church.
With Christ's power I can do anything. I must become part of God's church.
always the money...
You can start by giving 10% of your earnings to me.
I will start by giving 1% of my earnings to you.

 

by G0dItself
9-21-07
I devoted my entire life to helping other people but on my deathbed I had doubts about the divinity of Jesus and was banished to hell.
I killed 37 people and psychologically messed up countless children, but on MY deathbed, I accepted Jesus and went to heaven.
Don't you think the rules should be softened up a bit?
Nope. Rules are rules. They made their choices when it counted.
But why should a momentary decision at the end of one's life trump the behavior and character of an entire lifetime?
It is because it has been written!!!

 

by G0dItself
9-24-07
My story
I initially created mankind to be immortal, gave them free will, and told them it would be a sin to "eat from the tree of knowledge"
They defied me and ate from the tree of knowledge anyway. This really pissed me off and I banished them from Eden.
I was so mad that I took away their immortality and doomed them and all future generations to a short suffering existence.
But that wasn't enough. I also damned them for all eternity after they died to a horrible place called Hell.
Their only reprieve would be if they grovel and accept my son as their savior. Then I will spare them from eternal burning... But I will be having additional tests for them in heaven...
Hmm... Yes that is the basic story... But I will need to add LOTS of sugar to "sell it".

 

by G0dItself
9-26-07
A Christian believer will be in heaven when he dies if he is right but will never know it if he was wrong.
An atheist will never know it if he is right but will be in hell if he is wrong. Therefore, play it safe and be Christian.
A Muslim believer will be in heaven when he dies if he is right but will never know it if he was wrong.
An atheist will never know it if he is right but will be in hell if he is wrong. Therefore, play it safe and be Muslim.
A Flying Spaghetti Monster believer will be in heaven when he dies if he is right but will never know it if he was wrong.
Come to think of it, if any one of us is right, then the other two are going to Hell. Maybe we should all play it safe and not believe.

 

by G0dItself
9-28-07
The sun is the giver of all life. I worship the sun.
The Son is the giver of all life. I worship the Son.
After lying low (or being dead) in the sky for three days, the sun rises or is "born again" on Dec 25th.
The Son was dead for three days before he was risen. The Son was also born on Dec 25th.
You are ripping me off. My beliefs way pre-date yours!!!
The devil made the ancients believe those things to try to cast doubt in people later on concerning Christianity...

 

by G0dItself
10-03-07
around 400 BC
What are you doing?
I just finished writing Leviticus and Deuteronomy. This should give the Hebrews some nice laws to follow.
around 95 AD
What are you up to now?
I just finished writing Mark, Matthew, Luke and John. This should start a new cult/religion.
present time
But why are you doing this?
The Tithe. Its all about mind control and extracting money from the masses.

 

by G0dItself
10-03-07
I can feel the holy spirit flow through my hands during organized prayer!!!
I could feel the rush through my body when the lottery hit my numbers...
My feeling is real dude!!!
But then I remembered that I didn't buy a lottery ticket for that drawing...
We are talking about two entirely different things!!!
Well my rush seemed very real at the time.

 

by G0dItself
10-06-07
If you have been tithing 10%, try to start tithing 11%.
If you have been tithing 10%, try to start tithing 9%.
If you have been going to church once a week, try to start going twice a week.
If you have been going to church once a week, try to start going every other week.
If you find you don't have enough time to "Put God first", stop reading books other than the bible and get rid of unnecessary hobbies and activities.
If you don't have time to read, have hobbies, and engage in special interests, then stop spending time in church worshiping a make believe God.

 

by G0dItself
10-13-07
Why don't you religious conservatives care more about the environment?
We care... but the most important thing is to support political parties that support initiatives that will lead to the most number of people being saved.
But what if your chosen political party also has energy policies that may eventually trigger a massive extinction of life on the planet?
I'm not really concerned. Remember that God created the world before... He can always re-create it again.
But if you are wrong, then you have contributed to perpetuating energy policies that could totally f**k up the planet!!!
That reminds me... We have a new alter boy starting tomorrow...

 

by G0dItself
10-13-07
You have a ridiculous religion with your three gods (Father, Son, and Holy Ghost). Islam is the true monotheism with just one God.
You don't understand the trinity... And at least we don't have our prophet riding up to heaven on a horse!!!
But you have Mary ascending body and all up to heaven!!! What are the odds of that?
Well, what about all your virgins that supposedly await you in heaven? That sounds pretty ridiculous to me!!!
Aargh... You both have it wrong. Its all about the noodly appendage of the "Flying Spaghetti Monster" (or FSM). Save yourself by becoming a Pastafarian pirate!!

 

by G0dItself
10-17-07
1 2 3 Religious Comics
Your stupid blog just knocks down a "straw man" of religion. Religion is all about love and the golden rule.
Lets explore this. What does fundamentalist Christianity say about the following groups that also believe in love and the golden rule.
Unitarians ------------ Buddhists ------------ Hindus ----------------- Muslims --------------- Spiritualists ---------- Secular Humanists --------------------------- ----- Oh My God ----- .
Burn in Hell ...... Burn in Hell ...... Burn in Hell ...... Burn in Hell ...... Burn in Hell ...... Burn in Hell ......
So God doesn't follow the golden rule except for Christians?
Look, its not up to us to question the ways of the Lord. We are lucky that God even gives us an opportunity to be saved through Jesus!

 

by G0dItself
10-25-07
You shouldn't criticize any contradictions or inaccuracies in the Bible. You should focus on what the authors meant to say; not what is actually written.
Well... How do we know what the original authors meant to say? And how do we know what they meant to say was anything but the prevailing irrational superstition of the day?
Go to church and Sunday school and I will tell you what the bible means...
Well... I have been there and all you do is regurgitate dogma that was formed generations after the original texts were written.
The holy ghost guided future generations to have a more clear picture of the original works.
Aren't you just force-fitting the early works to fit beliefs that formed later? And then using the force-fitting of those early works to support your beliefs?

 

by G0dItself
10-31-07
A watch can't assemble itself completely by chance. It needs a watch-maker.
agreed...
A cell is much more complicated than a watch so a cell definitely needs an external maker... God.
But unlike an inorganic watch, cells through random mutation, reproduction, and selective pressure, can change over time.
hummm hummm hummm hummm I'm not listening
agreed...

 

by G0dItself
11-06-07
For defying me I will beat you until you are unconscious.... Then when you wake up I will continue beating you for the rest of your life unless you say you love me today.
I love you....
For defying me with the original sin, I sentence you to death...... Then in the afterlife, you will be condemned to burn in hell for all eternity unless you accept my Son as your savior in this life.
Praise the lord------- I want to be saved-- I accept Jesus------- I love Jesus-----------I believe---------------- God is love------------ I'll be your servant- Here is my money--
Interesting species... these humans.
Yes, they are spineless and the greater the evil, the more they love it.

 

by G0dItself
11-24-07
Thank God for this turkey... thank God for the dressing. We are so blessed that the food is hot.
Why do you thank God for those things and why is hot food a blessing?
Without God, there wouldn't be any turkeys or dressing. Heat comes by the grace of God.
Wouldn't it be a nicer sentiment to thank the people that expended effort to bring these things to bear?
We all live to serve and please God. That is the single most important thing in life. All other earthly pursuits are serving the devil.
I'm thankful for the serpent, the forbidden fruit, and being able to think for myself.

 

by G0dItself
11-28-07
Second thoughts
Man, I really screwed things up. Maybe I should just do it all over again.
Hey dud, I've been telling you that for eons!!!
I'm still going to create a temporary world like before, and an afterlife of heaven or hell....... but I'm going to make one very important change.
Does it involve a savior?
Only those righteous people that don't believe in an afterlife will go to heaven. All others are going to hell.
Good idea....... Maybe people will get back to my original idea of building a heaven on earth.

 

by G0dItself
12-15-07
Don't go see "The Golden Compass".
Why not?
ummm...
Well?
The guy who wrote the book is an atheist.
Is that a reason not to see something?

 

by G0dItself
12-30-07
Now lets all recite the Nicene Creed. We believe in...
But what about the Gnostic tradition that long pre-dated the First Council of Nicaea in 325 AD?
Gnostic ideas are heretical and you should not be thinking about them. Ideally, all such Gnostic documents should be destroyed.
Like any that may have existed at the great library at Alexandria in Egypt?
It can't be proven that the Church had anything to do with that.
Well its a good thing that some of those documents were hidden and later found in caves around the Dead Sea....

 

by G0dItself
1-05-08
I swear man, I just can't meet any atheist girls out there.
Maybe there aren't any out there.
All the good atheist guys are either already taken or gay.
Or taken and gay.
You all should join the Secular Student Alliance. All the guys are Hot and the girls look just like me.

 

by G0dItself
1-31-08
Don't do YOUR agenda, do GOD's agenda. Listen to the Holy Spirit for guidance.
How can I tell the difference between the Holy Spirit and my own ideas?
The Holy Spirit is often revealed through scripture reading.
But couldn't I also get my own ideas while reading scripture?
Well perhaps I could assist in helping you find God's purpose for you.
I figured this was coming....

 

by G0dItself
2-16-08
7 years old
Santa Clause, I need a new bike, an iPod, and for my kitty cat to get better.
45 years old
Oh Jesus, I need money for rent, a car payment, and for my mother's operation.
75 years old
Oh Lord, I need money for my medications, my hip replacement, and I need you to look after my husbands soul.

 

by G0dItself
3-19-08
Week before Easter
Everybody invite at least one person to next week's sermon. Try to befriend the new-comers so they will want to come back. Try to make them feel welcome.
Easter sermon
died for your sins--- saved from hell------ Jesus, love, torture original sin, fruit----- eternal burning------ Jesus loves you---- only one true path-- all others damned-
Week after Easter
As it says in the bible we must each give the first 10% to the church. You must put God first in everything in your life. Before family, before self, before community.

 

by G0dItself
4-10-08
So I figured that if there is absolute right and wrong, there must be a creator of the right and wrong...
Why must there be?
And therefore the creator must care about all His creation and listen and respond to all prayer and ultimately judge us all.
That's a pretty big inference...
And therefore, the gospel stories about Jesus must all be true... every word... every miracle...
Or you just independently believe all this other stuff and rationalize back to the concept of absolute right and wrong.

 

by G0dItself
4-20-08
Baptist
Yes, I believe that Schizophrenia is nothing other than demonic possession.
Yes, the voices they hear are the voices of the demons.
Christian
If they would only accept Jesus into their life, Jesus would push out the demons and they would be cured.
Just as it is written in Mark 1:21-28.
Small Group
There is no need for doctors or medication.
The same can be said for all forms of "mental illness". Its all just demonic possession.

 

by G0dItself
8-19-08
The Rick Warren Nightline Interview
So, could you vote for a Muslim or a Jew for president?
I could definitely vote for a Jew. Although, I could never vote for an Atheist. The office is too big for one person who arrogantly believes they can make all their own decisions.
So, for example, you would prefer someone who makes the decision to invade another country based on a dream in which he thinks the Holy Spirit tells him to?
Without a doubt. I support God's purpose for us all.
You would prefer that over the careful examination of the evidence, proper planning, risk assessment, and a sincere evaluation of the moral consequences?
That is all the human agenda. Again, I support God's agenda, whatever it is. Look to scripture for examples.

 

by G0dItself
12-14-08
Christian theology says we all have a disembodied mind/soul that exists independent of our brain that lives on after death.
Are you absolutely sure about that? Doesn't brain function directly effect such things as cognitive ability, emotion, and self identity?
Look, I'll prove it to you. I'll ablate part of my brain and my mind/soul will live on without detriment. This will be minor compared to actually dying..
Don't be a fool. No religious belief system is worth putting to the test. You might be 100% wrong and then mess yourself up for life.
Bwu Bla Blo Bwaw Bwee Bow Buu
Well, I guess that proves it. The mind doesn't exist independent of the brain.

 

by G0dItself
12-20-08
The lofty high purpose
Put God first... before family... before country... Do God's agenda... Look to Scripture for guidance.
Where the power lies
Consult your spiritual advisors for interpretation of scripture and how to develop policy and apply the teachings to the real world.
The real purpose
Let all goodwill and charity work be an opening to spread the Word and minister to the unsaved about the one and only one true savior.

 

by G0dItself
5-01-09
So why did God create all the cosmos?
He created the Heavens for our amusement and to show us the extent of His powers of creation.
Why did He create all the countless galaxies that were only discovered in the last 100 years? They couldn't amuse or impress anyone from previous times.
It is Beyond human understanding to know the mind of God. God has His purposes.
I found some condoms in my father's drawer.
LET ME TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT GOD THINKS ABOUT CONDOMS!!!

 

by G0dItself
5-16-09
I know some of your were concerned about that recent study saying that prayer was not effective. Let us tell you the proper way to pray.
Pray for non-accountable (by the secularists) things. Things like getting-- 1. into heaven--------2. closer to God----- 3. sins forgiven------
Don't test God by praying for supernatural things like amputated limbs growing back, turning water into wine, or any other parlor tricks.
When you pray for real-world things, keep the details to yourself. Don't tell the evil statisticians who have it out for the church.
A simple example might be to pray for certain numbers during BINGO. If your numbers get called then take that as validation of God's existence.
Don't pay attention to the times when your numbers don't get called. Remember God works in mysterious ways.

 

by G0dItself
8-05-09
Atheists are intolerant.
I merely think that religious beliefs are silly and unnecessary.
The gateway to heaven is narrow. Because you have not accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior, you will burn for all eternity in a lake of fire after you die.
Those beliefs you have seem a little intolerant to me.
Atheists are intolerant.
I merely think that religious beliefs are silly and unnecessary.

 

by G0dItself
2-12-10
Would you like some candy?
Yes! I want lots of candy!
Would you like some money?
Yes! I want lots of money!
Would you like there to be an afterlife?
Yes! I want to be young again, live forever, be eternally happy, and have everything I've always wanted.

 

by G0dItself
2-17-10
Candy
Do you want some candy?
Yes! I wants lots of candy, but don't let my brother Timmy have any!
Money
Do you want a tax break?
Yes! I want a big tax break, but I don't want other industries to get this same break.
Afterlife
Do you expect that heaven awaits you in an afterlife?
Yes! Heaven awaits me and all others that accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior. All others, though, will perish in Hell.

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