All comics by christopher7murphy

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-BLAH- -BLAH- BRAIN FREEZE!
-snif- I smell carrots?

 

They said it Shouldn't be done!
Ummm..Hi Grover. You..you're looking a little different today. Um..new haircut?
They said it Wouldn't be done!
B-B-B-B....
Ohhh...is "B" the letter of the day? Wheee!
They were wrong! Sesame Street of the Living Dead!
B-B-B--is-for-BRAIIINS!!!!
UmmOK...Wanna teach the kids Near..and Far? I'll demonstrate Far!

 

Hey! Hey! Hey! Guess what?
Ummm...What?
Chicken Butt!
Is that what you do all day? Stand around and do bird imitations?

 

So, how did your group do at the Battle of the Bands?
We rocked! Came in second.
Wasn't there only two bands in the competition?
Well...there is only so much you can do with one violin and armpit farts.
Do I smell rematch!?
-sigh- No...thats just me.

 

So, they offered me one hundred dollars to entertain you here at the Cockadoodle Doo.
At first I declined...
After all, that's not exactly Chicken Feed!

 

Hey..it's great to be here at the Cockadoodle Doo!
But you know, not any Cockadoodle Doo!
...hey, my wife kept me up all night writing that joke! (I still don't get it.)

 

Hey...My wife calls me her "Three Minute Egg!"
I say its because "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day!"
She says it has something to do with which came first.....

 

A beautiful woman told me she wanted to take me home and make hot love with me...
I didn't know what to say..so I went home...alone!
I thought about it later...I guess I choked. -sigh-

 

Ya' know, the Colonel once told me. "If it's finger likin' good, they'll always come again!"
I told my wife what he told me...
She told me to put my goals a little lower.

 

I'm not saying my wife's a complete sex maniac...
But in the last resteraunt we were at, she sent her meal back to the kitchen....
...and it came back on a roll!

 

I think my wife is cheating on me...
At that same resteraunt, she tipped our waiter....
..and I came home in the doggie bag!

 

I want to thank you for coming tonight, but I've got to go.
Actually, my manager lives across the street..and he's gotta go. He's a monkey.
...and I'm stapled to him! Goodnight everybody!

 
BOOOO!
Ahhh! Igor! You fool, you made me bite my lip!

 

Hey Hootman, I got somethin' stuck in my teeth. Can you tell what it is?
Bahhh! I can't see anything.
Look closer, Hootman! I can feel it with my toung. What is it?
I still can't see anything...mmm
Hey Jake, I got something stuck in my teeth. What's it look like to you?
Kind of looks like Hootman.

 

Each of my buddys watched me solemnly as I boxed up my personal property and walked slowly towards the exit.
In retrospect, I know what I did was wrong, and I shouldn't have slept with my boss...even if she promised me a promotion.
Oh, sure..I'd do it again, but this time, I wouldn't do it upto ISO Standards...and I definitly wouldn't high-five HER boss!

 

She went down so fast, I called a tech. The tech never seen her go down so fast in his life..so he called his supervisor.
..and sure enough, she went down even faster when the supervisor came in the room.
-Bah!- Is this one of those jokes were you make it sound like a computer, but it turns out to be a sex joke about a hooker that goes "down."
Gosh no! We were flushing AOL accounts down the toilet.

 

My bestfriends thought I went crazy. But I couldn't help it, I was hooked! Addicted! I had a monkey on my back!
It was a monkey that would soon destroy my mind...my family...and my life! Worse than drugs, porn, or booze!
I slowly drove everyone I knew off. They couldn't understand "it!" They didn't WANT too! I was beyond help!
You do Su Duko too? Cool!

 

My brother would spend weeks preparing for the holidays. Every pumpkin had to be just right! Each face he carved, portrayed suffering and pain. No detail was overlooked!
The family worried about his devotion. "Let him enjoy the holiday!" said Grandma. He was like a big kid...and Grandma encouraged that in us, right up until her mysterious disappearance.
He didn't come to the funeral. He had his own holiday agenda. Grandma would have been proud, he was bound & determined to have the best Christmas ever!

 

AAAAHHHCHOOO!
Ahhhh AHHHHCHOOO!
Bird Flu -snif-
Gadzhuntite!

 

Zan! Jayna! It's time for your meds! Jayna..your electrolysis is in a half hour.
You won't get your meat-hooks on us you whippersnapper!
Wonder Twin Powers ACTIVATE!!
Form of a T-Rex
Form of..um...um...Damn..What do I do again?
Get in the cup Wonder-Butt, I need to soak my dentures.

 

-yawn- I'm so tired this morning!
Couldn't sleep?
No. I had a dream that I was a smoked ham.
There I was...naked. Sitting on a spiral slicer...yelling, "Make me a Sandwich! Make me a Sandwich!"
Must have been a ham 'n swiss...we heard you cutting the cheese all night!

 

Out of the way, Hootman! Busted Bladder comin' thru!
Bahhh! You already used your break to smoke! Get back to your station!
But I have to go...NOW!
You should have thought that out before your break ended. Now you have to figure a way to go without missing work! Bahhh!

 

I'd like the Potatoes el Gratis, please.
Augratin.
Pardon?
Augratin is a way to prepare potatoes. You said "el Gratis." Gratis means "for free."
That's what I said! I want some Potatoes el GRATIS!
Augratin.

 

Now does the "Pollo y Arroz" come with Chicken?
"Pollo" means "Chicken."
Then I'll have some of that.
Good evening, I am Jaun...and I'll be your "Pollo" tonight.
Cool...could you bring me some rice?

 

You know, they say if you get a cat or a dog, you could extend your life.
I really love animals too.
Having a pet promotes happiness.
So getting a puppy would make me feel better?
Yep.
They do sound delicious.

 

Blah!
Begone Skeleton Man! This is my home now!
My boney white ass! You get outta here before I cap your snaggle fanged self!
Blahhh! I'll be back!
"No Guts," my ass! HA!

 

We reacted strongly to the news....without thinking. The hostilities had built up until we couldn't take it anymore.
The boss had told us we were at long last ISO Certified, but it no longer mattered. He told us the company was going under. Our last day was Friday.
His screams could be heard for miles (We documented every step). And then the worst thing that could have happened...happened...
um..guys? We forgot to requesition the marshmallows.

 

So, how was the family reunion picnic?
Oh, it was wonderful!
Didn't it rain that day?
Oh, yes. The potato salad was soupy. The charcoal wouldn't light. The hamburgers were raw. And the fried chicken was infested by toads.
And you had a great time?
Sure, I was worried we wouldn't have enough food.

 

Hey Son, how'd your date go? Did you meet her parents?
Not good, Pop.
Did you follow my advice?
Sure...I did everything I could to impress the whole family. I popped a wheelie on my bike. I popped for dinner. I even popped a bully in the nose that was picking on her.
None of that impressed them?
Sure it did..but then I popped a fart in front of Grandma.

 

Heehee -snort-
Don't even think about it!!
heh heh -snicker-
Stop it right now!!
-snort-
Don't think I don't know that you're just giving me the bird!!

 

I was never very good at sales. But my company needed to know if customers wanted to be called by our customer service representitves to be offered product opportunities.
Please, a show of hands? Anyone?
We also asked if anyone would pay EXTRA never to be contacted- ever again...
Mom? Dad?
That's where the money was! At least as long as I was there.

 

Oooo! Kitty!
Snarl..Grrrr..Hssss ROAAAARR!!!
That's no kitty! That's a Demon from the Firey Pitts of Hell!
Roarrr! Snarl! Drool GRRRRRRRR! ARRRR! Snarlll!
Oh, Goody! Just the ingredient I need for my Devil Souflee.
-meow-

 

So..who did the Chief call in?
Not sure. Maybe CSI..or the Closer?
Not Law and Order? Hill Street Blues?
Chief says we gotta stay up on current cop show technology.
Adam 12?
That's about where our budget is.

 

Captain James T Kirk of Earth. We of the 21st Century have labored for many months to update your 1960's television space show.
Your sound quality has been enhanced. Matte shots of planets and buildings have been repainted by the finest artisans in our time.
Will..my ...ACTING talents be...played around with? SAY it...is NOT..so!
Captain..we are only 21 Century tech laborors. We can make Little Blue Aliens with funny looking anteni look threatening, but we are still NOT advanced enough to repair that.

 

Who was that beautiful woman I saw you with last night?
Oh..my exgirlfriend? She's a swimsuit model and a college professor. She's the most sexual woman I have ever known! She had just won the lottery..and we were celebrating.
..and you broke up with her?
Had too. I take my love making very seriously....
...and she makes me giggle.

 

Why so glum, Chum?
All day long, it's"Bitch, Bitch, Bitch. Nag, Nag, Nag!"
"Bitch, Bitch, Bitch! Nag, Nag, Nag!!!
Marriage?
Nah, I was at the Dog & Pony Show down at the 4-H Competition.

 

You're NUTS!
OK..I am NOT hearing a squirrel talk. It can't be! I've been on this island alone...too long.
You're NUTS!
It must be island madness. I'm getting paranoid! This squirrel can't talk. It won't bite me! It won't get me!HAHA..and it won't craw up my pants leg and rip off....
...your NUTS!

 

I woke up extra early this morning. There had been quite a storm last night. No rain, lots of lightning....and the thunder sounded, well..umm...odd.
Of course, I went and checked on the herd,to make sure everything was OK. They seemed at ease and none the worse for wear...but...(now I couldn't be sure) there seemed to be more of them this morning.
Pa told me not to worry..and to remember my chores. I guess he was right. But one thing was for sure...I was NOT going to milk 'em!

 

Hey! Look! Some humans left this perfectly good baby just sitting there.
MMM? What should we do with it?
Lets raise it as our own! We'll call it Winky. Teach it the monkey way! Winky will learn to be truely one of God's creatures. Smarter, kinder, and better than normal humans.
That means no Internet Comics..right?

 

How's our little Winky doing with his Monkey lessons?
It's gonna be a long, hard battle. We still have to rid him of his human tendencies.
Any success at all?
Well, with his new all banana diet, he grasped the feces tossing right away.

 

OK Winky. Go ahead, repeat after me: BAN-NAN-NA. Banana!
Must be from Burlington.

 

I'll Monkey Shine ya for it!
Nope. It's your turn!
I'll spot ya four points.
uh-uhh! Nope. Not gonna do it. You are! Get the equipment and get in there!
-sigh- Diaper time! Did my little Winky make a Stinky?

 

Hey, Winky! Can you say MA-MA?
Winky? Can you say PA-PA?
ban-nan-nah
-snif- I'm so proud!

 

YOU LOST WINKY!!????
Relax, He's OK.
You left him by HIMSELF!!!!???
I went to get him a banana.
Hey, look! Somebody left a perfectly good monkey just sitting here.

 

Heya little monkey...how are you? Who left you here? You gotta name, little fella?
Are you from Burlington?

 

This is a monkey? What makes you sure of that?
Well...it does "monkey type things"
See...tosses it's crap around just like that Zoo Show we watch.
Pitches quite a load, huh? Almost like your mother.

 

You don't expect us to KEEP him..do ya?
I couldn't very well leave him just sitting out in the jungle could I? What if some Lab Guys found him? Imagine what they would do to him!
Knock Knock! Hello! We are from the Lab down the street, and we were wondering if we could borrow a cup of monkey?
-whisper- Hurry...The President is starting to wake up!

 

You're not really considering giving Winky to those Lab Guys?
well...umm...
Really! Not when we can SELL him to them!
Hey! I bet we can get more for him on E-Bay!

 

It grew out of nowhere. Just appeared in the "forbidden" greenhouse out back. As kids, we weren't allowed to play in there---(Do you smell that? Kind of like blood and fermaldahide?)
Last night we heard noises...so we went against wishes and investigated. It seemed to call to us...projecting disturbing images directly into our brains. Images that made me shiver!
We locked it inside! Readied ourselves for what would probably turn out to be the most important battle of our lives....We had it completly smoked by daybreak. ...NOW, we needed chips!

 

Hey Hootman! How many licks does it take to get the center of a Tootsi-Roll Tootsi-Pop?
Bah! THREE! THREE! For the last time...THREE!
Chill out Hootman...Just teasin' ya.
Bah!
Hey Hootman, Why does La'zard have a lollypop stuck in his ear?
"The world may never know!"

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