All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
5-15-01
My mama told me life is like a box of caramels.
My mama told me life is like a bag of sugar.
No, it's definitely like a box of caramels.
I'm telling you, it's like a bag of sugar.
But hey, after all, what is caramel anyway?

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
You might think it's amazing that a dog can balance on a ball and stuff ...
But let me tell you, that's mundane compared to ...
The size of that humongous seal underneath me!

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
Hey, little girl, want a piece of candy?
That depends, Mr. 'Thulhu, would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?
Why, sure. I'll take two boxes of Trefoils, and some Thin Mints for Shub Niggurath, and a box of Samoas for whatshisname -- you know, big smelly guy?
You mean Hastur?
Hey, come back here! I didn't write up your receipt yet!

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
Hey big fellow, how's it hanging?
Yo, Calista, what's eating you?
WHAZZZZZUPPPP!

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
I'll have you know that Blue Screen is my creation.

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
Can't sleep! Clowns'll wreck the background!
Can't sleep! Clowns'll wreck the background!
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
A goat and a squirrel
Good Friday reenactors
Mir cruises above

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
In other news, the FBI has turned over reams of documents that could spare the life of a convicted killer.
Here now is President George W. Bush...
The Febrederal Burro of Insemination has ... aw shucks, this stuff don't matter, pass my tax cut!

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
Dammit, Jim, I'm gonna kill Scotty when we get beamed back up.
Never mind that, Bones, Yeoman Rand is toast. This wouldn't have happened if she'd washed our other uniforms so we didn't have to wear red!
And wait till Spock gets a load of us. His pointy ears aren't so big any more, are they!
Uh, Bones, I'm sorry, but this is my contractual obligation ...
No, Jim, you can't!
Sorry, Bones, you know the rules, I get to seduce the hot alien-looking creature.

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
Peter, I can see your house from up here!
Ok, then do you have any raisins?
I hate working for peanuts.

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
MTV proudly presents a World Premiere Video from Brenda-Bruce Lee
o/` I'm sorry! o/`
o/` So sorry! o/`

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
MAKE MONEY FAST!
That settles it, I'm going into counterfeiting.
MAKE MONEY FAST!
OK, I will. No more food for you, Mr. Washington!
MAKE MONEY FAST!
And what easier way to do it than to sell this piece of junk!

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
Excuse me, can you get a medic for that soldier?
Rkphfr zr, pna lbh trg n yrqvp sbe gung fbyqvre?
I'd hammer out love between my brothers and my sisters all over this land.
V'q unzzre bhg ybir orgjrra zl oebguref naq zl fvfgref nyy bire guvf ynaq.
Oil! I need oil!
Bvy, V arrq bvy!

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
I think Joey likes me.
Joey? No way!
Yes way! Guess what he did to me third period?
What?
He gave me ... a hotfoot!
Oooooooh!

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
Hey boys and girls, today we're going to learn all about the law of gravity!
The basic idea about gravity is it makes everything fall to the ground: rocks, pebbles, skyscrapers, hair, porcupines, English muffins, Margaret Thatcher, meteors, exploding cattle, towels, footballs
Hey, wait a minute, that's me! Oh no, I'm falling and sinking, sinking and falling, can nothing stop me? Oh, the humanity. Or in my case, oh, the psychic yellow boxity. Why? Why me? Hey Mister he

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
And I want an Easy Bake Oven and a Barbie and a My Little Pony ...
Excuse me, I think you've got the wrong guy.
No, you're going to come down the chimney and give me all those things.
I tell you, I'm SATAN, not SANTA!
I *hate* dyslexics.

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
Ok, you've had it. Prepare to be beaten to a pulp!
Uh, hang on one minute.
Your attention please ... pinch-hitting for Okamura: Cthulhu.
Oh, shit!
Mmmmmm, snacktime.

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
Cowabunga!
Calimari!
Cuyahoga!

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
So, when do you think the tech stocks will rebound, Herb?
nnnnnnngggggggg....
Who do you think provides the better outlook on life, Asimov or Roddenberry?
nnnnnrrrrrgggggg....
Oh, heavens! I had no idea you'd gotten a robotomy.

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
Der Hills are alive
Mit der Zound of Musik!
Heh heh, zat's beautiful.
Julie Andrews, eat your Heart out!
Plus, you look a lot better than her in Lederhosen!
Look who's talking, mein Cutie!

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
BRONZE MEDALISTS: France
SILVER MEDALISTS: Spain
GOLD MEDALISTS: R'lyeh

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
I suck your brains out
Gray flakes stuck in tentacles
Save them for dessert

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
Phnoggg urgggh glnkhgh bzzflpt!
Zwlkblbl rhhnmmlikhj.
Khnqlgghh Jrrghhnknkr cute little fluffy bunnies cuddle-wookums glehhnkolhar smuughnght.
Yecch!
One out of every ninety-two Cthulhus has Tourette's Syndrome. Won't you please help?

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
Gallant knows five recipes for hasenpfeffer. Goofus runs over the rabbit and donates it to McDonald's.
Gallant repopulates this mountain stream with baby salmon. Goofus repopulates it with dirt snakes.
Gallant died for your sins. Goofus gets off on nails through his wrists.

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
Beetle, didn't I tell you to paint the latrines?
Zzzzzzzzzz
I want you to have the PMS-14 ready to ship by tomorrow, and completely documented as well.
Wally, do you want to tell him that this project was cancelled in 1988, or should I?
Mmmmm, shiny.
Mommy, Jeffy took PJ up on the shed again.

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
What has we gots in our picketses?
What do we want?
Preciousssses!
When do we want it?
NOW!!!
And we also want hobbitsses in the cafeteria three nights a week.
Nasty managements hurtses us

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
Welcome to Hooters, how can I help you?
Welcome to Hooters, how can I help you?
Elaine, make a memo to HR. I want to hire the second one.

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
FREEZE! Thou art under arrest for forbidden use of electricity.
Under arrest? Who art thou?
I am Ezra Schmidt, Undercover Amishman!

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
I shot him. I shot him dead! I've finally avenged my wife's murder.
gllurg
May I help you?
Yes, I'd like to have a tattoo on my arm, reading as follows: ...
I'm in a hotel room, but where? And Why?

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
... my typical tennis game.
... giving away free tetanus shots.
... being voted Most Likely to be a Compass.
... Southern-fried Yankee with grits.
I love you.
... an attachment waiting to be opened.

 

by kaufman
5-15-01
Jesus Christ, that's only two pull-ups. Can't you do better than that? You've gone flabby on me!
Mrs. Johnson, I think I found the problem with your phone pole. A goat ate all the wires!
Piece of cake. You just hang up there in that diaper all week and we'll pledge you into Gamma Kappa!

 

by kaufman
5-16-01
Ugly sheep.
Baaaaaaa.
The food's good, but there's no atmosphere.
SUPPLIES!

 

by kaufman
5-16-01
Due to a shortage of interested applicants, unqualified people are being hired as teachers.
Alice, what's the capital of Burkina Faso?
Ougadougou.
Yeah, right. You get a zero. Michael, what's the capital of Tanzania?
Dar Es Salaam.
There is? Thank goodness, I'm getting sick and tired of the corned beef.

 

by kaufman
5-16-01
.F.R.E.E. .C.A.B.L.E. .T.V. .D.E.S.C.R.A.M.B.L.ER
Honey, we need to buy a baby present.
A baby present? For whom?
For the spammer.
For the spammer?
Yeah, she missed her last two periods.

 

by kaufman
5-16-01
This won't work. I need a fig leaf in an extra large.
Pharaoh, if you don't let my people go, the Eleventh Plague will be inflicted on Egypt: Disco!
Get out of here, now!
Luke, I am your father

 

by kaufman
5-16-01
Ok everyone, this one's for you. Sing along with the computer as loud as you can!
I'm Henry the Eighth I am, Henry the Eighth I am, I am,
I just got married to the widow next door ...
And she's been married seven times before,
And every one was an Henry, She wouldn't have a Willie or a Sam (no Sam!)...
That's not loud enough. You know your punishment -- next week you get MacArthur Park.
I'm her eighth old man, I'm Henry, Henry the Eighth I am!
Second verse, same as the first! I'm Henry the Eighth I am ...

 

by kaufman
5-16-01
I'd like to go on a vacation.
Sure thing, Mr. Death. How about Detroit?
Naaah, been there, done that
The travel agent then suggests Washington.
Now this is cool!

 

by kaufman
5-16-01
Most things fall downward. But watch what happens to this helium balloon.
Helium
It rises, because it's lighter than air.
Helium
We would have done this demonstration with hydrogen -- it's more dramatic -- but when we tried it, we burned down the lab. Oh, the humanity!
Helium

 

by kaufman
5-16-01
ENTER WORD.
APPLE in spaces E3-E7
And the first P's on a Triple Letter Score, so that's 19 points.
ILLEGAL WORD. NOT IN DICTIONARY. YOU LOSE!

 

by kaufman
5-16-01
Yeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
Meet the new boss, Same as the old boss!
Encore! Encore!

 

by kaufman
5-16-01
OK, class, I believe I have permission slips from all your parents.
This experiment is very dangerous, so make sure you all have your safety goggles on.
To begin, open up your hydrogen and oxygen canisters; we're going to synthesize that toxic chemical: WATER.

 

by kaufman
5-16-01
The smartest man in the world just jumped out wearing my backpack.
From chasing parked ambulances.
No problem, we'll go at night.

 

by kaufman
5-16-01
Oh no, Rose, I think the ship just hit an iceberg!
I don't care, Jack. You can't go in the water without putting on a sweater. It's freezing. You'll catch cold!
And you can't go in for an hour anyway. You just ate!
But does the putz listen? Of course not!

 

by kaufman
5-16-01
Actually, Regis, I think the answer is C.
Are you sure, Kevin?
I'm going to go with B.
Is that your initial answer?
Yes, it is.
Ok, here's the question. Which President was the first to have a bathtub in the White House? Was it A: Thomas Jefferson, B: Andrew Jackson, C: Millard Fillmore, or D: Herbert Hoover?

 

by kaufman
5-16-01
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?

 

by kaufman
5-16-01
I hope we're all in a humerus mood tonight.
But stirrupously folks, I'm not fibula when I tell you I metacarpal last night. Didn't think there was one in a 100 mile radius!
Thank you very much. I'm here through mid-Femurary.

 

by kaufman
5-16-01
I think Colonel Mustard did it in the Conservatory with the Lead Pipe.
No way, it was Mrs. Peacock in the Study with the Candlestick.
Uh uh. Officer Puce did it in the Crawl Space with the Chainsaw.
I say it was Count Ultraviolet in the Chimney with the Rototiller.
Agent Orange in the Medicine Cabinet with the Melon Baller.
Hey, that's right. YOU CHEATED!

 

by kaufman
5-16-01
Ready for the comet?
Oh yes, got my vodka and apple sauce ready.
Several million miles away, the comet passes.
And did it take them away? They're not saying!

 

by kaufman
5-17-01
Son, don't touch yourself there. If you do, you'll tear open the fabric of reality and open a rift of pure chaos!
Cool.
Bastard!
heheheheh
By the second child ...
Son, don't touch yourself there. If you do, you'll go blind and grow hair all over your palms!
Yuccchh.

 

by kaufman
5-17-01
Doctor, I hear you can bring back the dead. Can you please take care of my wife?
I think so, let me take a look at her.
Oh yes, this should be no problem at all!
Two minutes and one impressive flash later ...
glurp.
Oh hell, I brought in the wrong skeleton.

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