All comics by mandingo

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by mandingo
6-11-05
Remember that time we bought those 10 gallon drums of ice cream and they ended up going to waste because we forgot them in the car?
Do I! And that time I bet you I could go longer without pizza than you, so we ordered twelve of them which all rotted on the sink, stubborn as we were.
Or that time we erected the 1:1 model of the statue of liberty using only fresh fruits, vegetables, and meat?
Or when I bought that entire side of beef just to wear it as a Halloween costume?
Or when I went to that all-you-can-eat buffet and only took a breathmint?
Or when I purchased that grocery store just to burn it down?

 

by mandingo
6-11-05
Remember that Christmas mom and dad woke us up and led us to the living room where I found my pony?
How could I forget, that was the Christmas I got my snowmobile.
No, that was the Christmas you got the jetski. You didn't get the snowmobile on a Christmas.
I didn't? What did I get it on?
A Wednesday.
That's right - the Wednesday after we gave Disneyland back to the general public.

 

by mandingo
6-11-05
Remember that time mom and dad woke us up, and they were alive.
And that day after they woke us up, when they were still alive?
And the years and years since, when they've stayed alive?
And the years and years to come, where they'll stay alive?
I think it's because God loves us.
Yes.

 

by mandingo
6-11-05
Click click clock click cleek clock?
Clook click clook?
Cleck click clook clack.
Clook clook clook clack clook?
Cleek click clack clack.
Click clook.

 

by mandingo
6-11-05
Clook clook cleek buffet click click?
Cleek cleek clook pony click jetski.
Click clack clook leg of lamb clook clack still alive.
Cleek clook clack no car accident cleek clook?
Cleek clook clack God loves us.
Clack cleek foot-long sub.

 

by mandingo
6-11-05
Remember that time we walked into the building we worked at, conducted our buisiness, and walked out?
Yes.
And how the next day we went into the building, conducted our business, and walked out?
Yeah.
And how it seems that every building we walk into stays erect not only while we're in it, but long after?
Yep.

 

by mandingo
6-11-05
Oh look, honey! Joey's taking his first steps!
Our tiny little man is ambulatory!
You know, it's strange - this teeny little baby, not yet smarter than some terrier or perhaps a bulldog-newfoundland mutt, still here he is, with the ability to walk.
Today he truly is a man. Before he was but prey - so vulnerable, literally unable to support himself, a burden on friends and family, living a meaningless life. But now his life is worth living.
Now women will have sex with him!
Now he can walk up stairs!

 

by mandingo
6-11-05
Ladies and gentlemen, recently it's been brought to my attention that some of my comics are racially insensitive. This is only because the best humor involves novelty.
And in a country whose idea of race relations is boarding school etiquette, what's more novel than poking fun at our differences? Not all can be embraced-some we like, some we don't.
But through humor we can at least accept them. We can see the absurdity of the human condition and realize we all share it.
Black, white, handicapped, orphaned, young, old, we're all in the same boat. We all have the same goal.
The fervent, unremitting persecution of the jews.

 

by mandingo
6-12-05
Hey, Steven, out of jail, huh? How was it? All those mean prisoners and mean guards with no women around. You must have been sex starved.
I was. I heard this great joke though. A man walks into a bar..
Oh not another man walks into a bar joke.
Actually, I think it was a man slides into a bar.. Come to think of it, I think it was a man slides into a Barbara.
How funny, that's my name!
Just get in the van, bitch.

 

by mandingo
6-12-05
This just in!
I'll keep you updated.
This just in!

 

by mandingo
6-13-05
Are you ready for the hottest sex ever filmed in Brazil, baby? Sex so depraved it makes bad girls blush, and good girls do things that are very very bad. Are you ready, baby?
Oh yeah.
Are you hot? Are you really really hot?
Oh god yeah.
YOUR MOTHER'S VAGINA! YOUR MOTHER'S VAGINA! YOUR MOTHER'S VAGINA! YOUR MOTHER'S VAGINA! YOUR MOTHER'S VAGINA! YOUR MOTHER'S VAGINA!
What the fuck!

 

by mandingo
6-13-05
June 13th, 1905, 10:42am. Location: New York City. Henry Sneed is about to have the best moment of his life.
At last I've done it! A temporal machine that carries one through the ages! Let us see what the world is like in 100 years time!
June 13th, 2005, 10:43am. Location: New York City. Henry Sneed is about to have the worst moment of his life.
Ah, you look like a kindly Negro. Be a good boy and go run tell the press that mankind has just mastered time. Hurry along now.
What!
Don't get uppity now, boy. Just get going. And take your friends there with you. Maybe you can put your knuckleheads together and figure out how to make your way through the city.
I'll call them over.

 

by mandingo
6-13-05
This is fucked.

 

by mandingo
6-14-05

 

by mandingo
6-14-05
A4 TO B3, Bill? What are you up to, my old friend? Let's see what you do when I go D7 to C6.
C5 to D6.
I'm sorry Bill but I was laying a trap... wait a minute now. Bill you sly dog, you were on to me the whole time! Well played! I suppose all that's left now is hearing you say those two fateful words.
King me!

 

by mandingo
6-15-05
CLooooooooooooooown
CLooooooooooooooown
Hey dad, let's run down there and fuck us one of those clowns!
No, son. Let's walk down and fuck them all.

 

by mandingo
6-15-05
Look at her watch me. It's like she knows I'm her uncle!
Sometimes I look at her and think "She's mine, my child." Makes me imagine a father thousands of years ago coming home from a frustrating hunt. He's exhausted, hungry, in an all around terrible mood.
Then he looks down and sees this little defenselsess creature with these big blue eyes smiling up at him and suddenly things don't seem so bad anymore. Makes me want to do what he must have done.
Hi, honey. Where's the baby?
We ate her.

 

by mandingo
6-15-05
What are you doing to that little asian girl?
I'm taping her eyelids to her forehead.
Why?
She isn't fitting in with her white classmates and I thought this would help.
Later
How'd your whitening work out?
We'll never know. Her eyes dried out and she wandered in front of the schoolbus.

 

by mandingo
6-15-05
Now you're holding down a little black boy and drawing on him with a white crayon.
Let me guess. He isn't fitting in so you're making him look more white.
No, I just finally found something these damn white ones would work on! I was starting to wonder why they were in the box!

 

by mandingo
6-16-05
Hey Dave, do you think I could have my weed whacker back?
Do you mind if I get it for you tomorrow? It's buried in the garage somewhere.
Hoi!!
You could have just said you'd like it today.
I have pre-paid ninja. Figure I might as well use it.
Come on in.

 

by mandingo
6-16-05
How much for a General E. Lee?
A what?
You take my balls in your mouth and hum dixieland 01 times.
For you baby, I'll make that just fifty dollars.
Hoi!!
Or twenty. Twenty works.

 

by mandingo
6-16-05
Three hikers slipped off a mountain cliff today, plummetting 80 feet to the basin below.
Two of them died on impact while the third miraculously willed himself to evolve wings and flew away.
No, I'm just fucking with you. That one died too.

 

by mandingo
6-16-05
Don't know much about history
Don't know much biology
Don't know much about a science book
Don't know much about the French I took
That's why you work here. Now shut the fuck up and go get me some wingdings.
Yes, sir.

 

by mandingo
6-16-05
Hello, I'm Brad Pitt.
And I'm Pauly the Penguin.
Every 5 seconds someone starves to death. Every 20, an infant. Yet we throw away enough food to feed twice that. But if you listen closely we can fix this in hours. Remember-every second counts.
And I was just gonna tell everyone about life as a penguin and why we like snow so much.
You first.
Thanks. Now there are 453 different types of snow...

 

by mandingo
6-16-05

 

by mandingo
6-16-05
Hello sir, I'm with the Coalition for Effective Time Management. I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions.
Sir?
Sir, are you there?

 

by mandingo
6-16-05
sir?

 

by mandingo
6-16-05
sir?
sir, i'm scared.

 

by mandingo
6-16-05
knock knock knock
YOU OUGHT NOT TO HAVE DONE THAT SIR! MY QUESTIONS WERE TO BE SIMPLE BUT MY WRATH WILL BE
sir?

 

by mandingo
6-18-05
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE WE GOT FUN N GAMES WE GOT EVERYTHING YOU WANT HONEY WE KNOW THE NAMES WE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT CAN FIND WHATEVER YOU MAY NEED IF YOU GOT THE MONEY HONEY WE GOT YOUR DISEASE
lets start with the mozerella sticks
VERY GOOD SIR

 

by mandingo
6-18-05
Sister Cindy, why did God take mommy away from us?
Because...
He...
CAN

 

by mandingo
6-18-05
Of course it's dangerous! If they ever find out I'm half black, I'm a dead man. But I just can't resist a game where I can drive the lane at will!
So I yelled: Mitzy! Get me out of this infernal contraption! But she ran in, took one look, and broke down, devastated to see I'd been tanned into one those well-endowed Moor people.
I've been a shut-in for weeks, then Mitzy suggested your Arian sports league and I thought what the hey. They'll get a nice laugh and I'll try that new Naismith ball I've heard so much about.
And just in time for a fun new rule change! Up until now we've discouraged hanging from the rim.

 

by mandingo
6-18-05
Welcome to the new Jungle-themed Playboy Bunny Ranch. All of our arriving guests are encouraged to lick whipcream off their favorite part of their favorite bunny. So I guess the only question is..
..ooo that's better.. do you have ANY idea who your favorite bunny might be?
Oh I think I might.
Am I the jungle bunny you want to take the whip to, sir?
Oh yah.

 

by mandingo
6-18-05
Hello and welcome to the Rainforest Cafe! Where every table is its own ecosystem! You're visiting the Mooli jungle on the Blaki lowlands of South America.
I'm indigenous to that region, so you can call me Blaki Mooli or simply jungle bunny! And so you know, I also consider all visitors to my ecosystem Blaki Mooli jungle bunnies!
Just bring me a menu.
Don't serve niggers.

 

by mandingo
6-19-05
Her: Damn, Tyrone! What's that you wreak of? O' de negroid? Him: Me, sir, no Tyrone! Me, sir, Jar Jar Binks!
I love you, William.
And I, you, Clara.
Her: No, seriously, what is it with you niggers. You always smell like half rotting camel vagina, half aqua velva. Him: Me, sir, big bombast stink!
But I worry, my love. There are so many that will look upon what we share with nothing but reprehension and disgust.
It is okay, my cherished. Our one love is stronger than all the world's hate.
Right here there is an extended silence as they both keep their GODDAMNED LYING MOUTHS SHUT!
You know that guy captioning our show? I caught him in your dressing room earlier pounding it to Cheers and Jeers.
Sounds about right.

 

by mandingo
6-19-05
I know god exists, it's just that sometimes I don't understand why he lets bad things happen.
I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I'm sorry, father.
Remedy it or I will.
Yes, father.
Now send me the choir younglings. There's something I must do.

 

by mandingo
6-19-05
Who do I grow up to be? Luke Skywalker?
Who do I grow up to be? Princess Leia?
Who do I grow up to be? Han Solo?
Who do I grow up to be?
Who do I grow up to be?

 

by mandingo
6-19-05
who do I grow up to be?
yes, sir. right away, captain.
who do I grow up to be?
as you wish, captain. think no more of it.
when he first felt the turbulence he didnt' think anything of it. but when he realized he was the only one on the plane who wasn't a black member of an away team or a jedi youngling, he lost all hope.
who do I grow up to be?

 

Godamnit, I deserve every inch of that big dick of yours to gobble all up!
Too tired.
by mandingo, 6-19-05

 

by mandingo
6-20-05
In 1924, another expedition made a record 28,200 feet. But two members of the party, Mallory and Irvine, set out to suprass this. They could be seen only 800 feet from the peak when a mist descended.
Mallory's ice-preserved body was found in 1999, while Irvine's would never be seen again. Until now. In a stunning turn, film has surfaced shot by the pilot of an early era prop plane. Here it is....
Here both men, blinded by mist, buffeted by wind, go over the edge. Mallory dies on impact. But Irvin evolves wings and soars skyward! But what follows explains why the prop pilot never came forward..

 

by mandingo
6-21-05
No need to clean in there. It's another perfect cell.

 

by mandingo
6-21-05
Come home with me tonight, Pat!
No, Pat, come home with me!
You won't be disappointed if you come with me, Pat!
Oh please, Pat, just this once - come home with me!
Who do I grow up to be?

 

by mandingo
6-21-05
Come home with me tonight, Pat!
No, Pat, come home with me!
You won't be disappointed if you come with me, Pat!
Oh please, Pat, just this once - come home with me!
Who do I grow up to be?

 

by mandingo
6-21-05
Who do I grow up to be?
Who do I grow up to be?
Who do I grow up to be?
Who do I grow up to be?
Who do I grow up to be?

 

by mandingo
6-22-05
I'm afraid you must pay for your public drunkeness, and I've got just the superpower to make you.
I seem to be stuck to your crotch.

 

by mandingo
6-22-05
thump thump
thump thump
deathmatch between a paraplegic and a quadraplegic
thump thump

 

by mandingo
6-23-05
quiet please, Cox family. thank you. first, yes I am an intruder and yes this is a real gun. what I promise is to behave in as profesional a manner as your actions allow me. my buisness card, Mr. Cox.
wh.. what's it say, dad?
"Phillip Johnson - putting the invasion in home invasion for the better part of this sentence." ... ... ... ... i don't get it.
what's it... HEY! that's your dick in my family!

 

by mandingo
6-23-05
another customer complained about your attitude, Reggie. What happened to you, man? you used to be the customer favorite
i know, i know. i keep trying to replay that day in my head.. the day my mood changed.. when i started going into a funk..
and?
i'm not sure... but i think... i think it started... when i got dumped
by Janet?
INTO THAT VAT OF ACID, YOU FUCKING MORON!

 

by mandingo
6-23-05
James you've been keeping bad company ever since you returned from Camp Kill Yourself and joined the Bmx Bandits branch of the Black Rebel Motorcycle Club.Just look at that motorhead misfit behind you
ivory? Because of her my bratmobile doesnt idle wild anymore--its a boss hog! Her, Muff Potter(despite a 3 hog night), even Sugar Ray and Murry the Hump(Sugar'd just done 7, Murry 3). They all helped!
AND YOU WILL KNOW US BY THE TRAIL OF DEAD. DEATH IN VEGAS, GRATEFUL DEAD, ESCAPING THE MADNESS OF THE DISMEMBERMENT PLAN. GOD'S PLAN. SPEAK AND GOD DOES SMASH MOUTH, START TO SEE, DILATE PEOPLE
GOD SMACKS JANE FOR HER IRON MAIDEN, HATING JANE'S ADDICTION, HATING JANE'S LIE. GOD CATCHES HANNAH SELLING THIRTY ODD FOOT OF GRUNTS TO SNEAKER PIMPS FOR 50 CENTS AND A NICKEL BACK. GOD KILLS HANNAH
I hate to sling mud, honey,but she's a motorpsycho.She bathes in everclear and if you say 'cake' she turns deep purple roaring a primal scream. I know its infatuation but let this crazy horse run free
Oh but to slip her the badfinger, butthole surf her, then ramjam my revolting cock into her hot tuna, turning the beaver brown. Maybe I can if i play it cool... Like dad said "Ladies love cool, James"

 

by mandingo
6-23-05
there's nothing sadder than a thawing snowman
i stand corrected

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