All comics by up4abeer

 

by up4abeer
7-18-06
I'm thinking starting a career in politics. Any advice?
You're a monkey. All monkeys do is eat and sling feces.
And your point?
Need a campaign manager?

 

by up4abeer
7-18-06
Can I join your protest?
Dude you're a pig. You symbolize everything we are against. As in capitalist pig.
You're a narrow minded fake. You're a symbol of what's wrong with this country.
Whatever piggie. You're what's for dinner.
I thought you people were vegans.
We eat our veggies at Crackerbarrel sunshine.

 

by up4abeer
7-18-06
I installed a strip poker game on your PC. I play it at night after everyone leaves. Hope you don't mind.
Whatever gets you through the night cleaning boy.
Geesh. The man is entertained by animated strippers. What a loser.
Darn! That thing's good.

 

by up4abeer
7-19-06
I am sacred to Hindus.
I terrify Christians.
My farts destroy the ozone.
I am the supreme ruler of hell.
My horns are bigger.
PISS OFF!

 

by up4abeer
7-19-06
I'm going to audition for a role on Family Guy. If a dog can go primetime then why not a pig?
Family Guy is a cartoon stupid. It's not a real dog. They're not even real people like me.
HELLOOO! We are characters in a comic strip. You're not real. You're talking to a pig for Christ sake! Now let that bit of reality soak in until you just self-destruct.
?
Call me stupid will ya? PIGS RULE!!!!

 

by up4abeer
7-20-06
Welcome to Toga Bar and Grill. How can I help you?
What do you recommend?
For starters lose the pointy beard and trim the mustache. And do something about those things growing out of your head.
I meant to drink.
Whiskey straight up and lots of it Goathead.

 

by up4abeer
7-20-06
So I'm thinking what the fuck? So I walk over..
I wish you wouldn't use the "f word." It's offensive and sinful
Nothing in the Bible says it's wrong to say that word.
Words like that take something beautiful and make it sound ugly.
So what's your take on shit?
Fuck You!

 

by up4abeer
7-20-06
Do you know who I am?
The cute guy in the toga calls you Goathead.
YOU FOOL!! Do you know WHAT I am?
Annoying and Ugly.
Several Drinks Later
You're looking hot.
Forget it Loser. I can lick my own balls.

 

by up4abeer
7-20-06
Didn't last night mean anything to you?
I'm not ready for the whole commitment thing.
But I feel like such a slut.
Look I like you. Let's just take it slow. No need to rush in.
We could start with you telling me your real name.
Stop rushing.

 

by up4abeer
7-20-06
Satan gets the soul of whoever he convinces to have sex with him
Where the hell have you been? I'm freaking shitfaced.
I working off the clock here. Show some appreciation. So who are we taking?
Not sure yet. I'm still feeling my way around.
Yelled from accross the room
So you're a regular?
Hey Goathead's hitting on some Taliban chick. GO GOATHEAD!! Ha Ha

 

by up4abeer
7-21-06
Ok Swifty. I'm the talent and you're the producer. So I do all the talking while you sit in the background and screen my calls. Think you can handle it rookie?
I think I can handle that just fine my man.
Ok first caller. Welcome to WNSR Sports Talk Radio.
Don! This is your Mother! You never call me back. So I am going to tell embarrassing stories about your childhood on the air. Don't you dare hang up or I'll have a stroke and blame it on you.
After The Show
You did that on purpose.
The one about the poodle and the peanut butter was messed up dawg.

 

by up4abeer
7-21-06
Yo Don!.I got them to send one of the Bulls over to be on the show.
Really? Which one?
One of the rookies. I don't remember his name.
No Problem. We got to start somewhere. We'll get the Kobes and Dewaynes later on.
SWIFTY!!!!!!!!!! WE HAVE TO TALK!!
Snort

 

by up4abeer
7-21-06
Meeting with GM
We need this sponsor Don. They will only come on board if you agree to be their spokesperson. Do it for the team.
This is not what I signed up for.
On The Air
If you enjoy phone sex as much as I do you're going to love our new sponsor.
After The Show
Who in hell found that sponsor?
I'm a closer dawg. Talking fat commission check. Promoting the talent and getting paid baby. That's how I roll.

 

by up4abeer
7-21-06
On The Air
My guest today is legendary baseball great Butch Butcher. Thanks for joining me Butch.
Thanks for having me Don.
On The Air
Butch I gotta say you are one of my heros. Hall of Fame. Over 500 Home Runs. 3 world championships. Tell us your secert Butch.
Well Don I like to dress up like a schoolgirl and have hairy man sex with transvestites.
On The Air
Didn't see that coming Butch. Get off my show.
Thanks again for having me Don. What are you doing later?

 

by up4abeer
7-21-06
On The Air
We have Eddie on line 1. Welcome to the show Eddie.
Yeah this your cousin Eddie. Remember Me? You convinced me to cash in my 401K and and invest it all in Shop At Home back in 97. Ever wonder how that worked out?
On The Air
Uh Oh
#$&% #@*& ##(* ##@!^ ........... you piece of $#@# &%
During the Break
Sooo. Any chance of getting that 7 second delay working anyhing soon?
It's reality radio Don. Our ratings are gonna soar baby!

 

by up4abeer
7-22-06
Hey Toga Guy.
Hey Up4abeer. Have you read what the critics are saying about Toga Bar?
UnknownEric almost chuckled, Biped didn't kill my dog, and AngryAmerican suggested I get drunk.
And sooo?
Scotch on the rocks and keep em coming.
That a boy

 

by up4abeer
7-22-06
Do you know who I am?
Burt Reynolds! I thought you were dead.
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are those boils on your head?
I'd kill myself if I were mortal.
I saw you in The Longest Yard when I was in junior high. I used to ride the trolley with Loni Anderson.

 

by up4abeer
7-24-06
I should go home. I have to work in the morning.
That sucks dude. I love being self employed.
What do you do?
I'm a songwriter.
Are you holding?
Are you a cop? If you are you know you have to tell me.

 

by up4abeer
7-24-06
Sex was better when we first met. I teased you and made you work.
The first time we met I got you drunk and you blew me in the parking lot.
I gagged and puked on your crotch.
Yeah and I made you keep going.
PIG!
SLUT!

 

by up4abeer
7-24-06
Since it is our anniversary I suppose you'll want sex tonight.
Our sex life bores me. I miss having sex it with different people.
Oh really? Well I missed being gang-banged in bathroom stalls.
Oh God that made me hot. I want you now!
I'll close my eyes and pretend you have a large dick.
ME TOO!!

 

by up4abeer
7-25-06
Why do you always wear a toga?
Because I'm the owner of the toga bar.
Why is it called the toga bar?
Because I always wear a toga.
So that's why they call you Toga guy?
See how it all fits.

 

by up4abeer
7-26-06
Well he did it.
Really! When?
When do you think?
No Way!
And "you know who" was there.
That is so like a man.

 

by up4abeer
7-27-06
Believe me. She is so ready for something like this,
You are an attractive couple. OK I'm in.
I have an idea to spice up our sex life.
Oregano and sex do not mix. We talked about this.
Someone wants to join us for a threesome.
Does he have a big schlong?

 

by up4abeer
7-27-06
Believe me. She is so ready for something like this.
You two are a cute couple. OK I'm in.
I've got an idea. Want to spice up our sex life?
Oregano and sex don't mix. We've talked about this.
Someone wants to join us for a threesome.
Does he have a big schlong?

 

by up4abeer
8-01-06
U.S. Office of Immigration
Race?
Car
We're not playing the word game.
How does that make you feel?
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR FUCKING SKIN?
African Canadian

 

by up4abeer
8-07-06
Is that coat an Armani?
You would also like my Lexus and matching Rolex.
Impressive. How do you afford all those things?
I got my priorities straight.
You want to go somewhere more private?
Your place or Mom's?

 

by up4abeer
9-05-06
You see, children, there are people who are jealous of our wealth.
But only 2% of our population is wealthy. How do you keep winning?
Fox News and the moral majority scares most of them into voting for me anyway.
What if they don't have a TV or they don't believe in religion?
We make sure dem sumbitches don't vote.

 

by up4abeer
9-18-06
A place called the toga bar managed by a guy in a toga. How ironic.
Actually it's not ironic. It's more a planned coincidence.
So what would be an example of irony?
Having a President named Bush with a Vice President named Dick who has a daughter whoooo....
Oh! Who loves Bush and doesn't like Dick?
Now if the President had a gay son......

 

by up4abeer
10-18-06
How about me and you go outside and bump uglys.
You "no-job" "little-dick" "still living with your mama" "piece of shit" "drunk-ass" loser.
I wouldn't let you lick the skid marks off my white cotton panties.
Did you just fart?
Don't read anything into it. We're not having a moment here.

 

by up4abeer
10-18-06
My son's coming over this weekend.
You have a son?
Yeah. It's mostly good. I do hate having to pay his mama money every damn month.
Wow. You having a son means that someone actually had sex with you.
You did have sex didn't you?

 

by up4abeer
10-18-06
Evolution is bullshit. God created Adam and Eve and that's all there is to it.
Despite all the scientific evidence to the contrary?
Evidence my ass. The good book is all the evidence I need. I sure as hell didn't come from some damn monkey.
In your case it could be argued that perhaps the monkey is not in the middle. Maybe we can agree that you didn't come from a monkey.
What the hell are you looking at?
Scientific proof and it's depressing the hell out of me.

 

by up4abeer
10-19-06
Is there anything particular you want to do for your bachelor party?
I am really unparticular.
Unparticular? I don't think that's a word.
I think some unmeticulous planning is in order.
Stop doing that or I swear I’ll bring a transvestite prostitute to your bachelor party.
When did you first realize you were Unheterosexual?

 

by up4abeer
10-26-06
So what qualifies you to work as a bar back?
I have a felony record, a revoked drivers license, I'm 32 years old, and I still live with my Mother.
Perfect. I'll pay you less than minimum wage in cash so you can cheat on your taxes.
What about benefits?
You get dibs on leftover bar pretzels at the end of your shift. On occasion a drunken girl with self-esteem issues will have sex with you in the bathroom.

 

by up4abeer
10-30-06
I haven't heard that song since I was at Vanderbilt.
You went to Vanderbilt? That's so cool. I'll give you my number. We should go out.
What?
Have you no shame? You didn't go to Vanderbilt.
I was sitting on the 40 yard line when they lost to Alabama by a touchdown. You were there.
My disgust has morphed into inspiring admiration.

 

by up4abeer
10-31-06
It's hard out here for a pimp.
Perhaps you should consider a career change. Maybe something legal.
Real estate investments are legal. I own most of the buildings on this block including this one.
Oh shit my landlord. Sorry I didn't realize..Oh wait. I completely forgot that it's Halloween.
You forgot it's Halloween? So why are you wearing a dress?
It's not a dress it's a toga. I always wear..Oh fuck it. I've got a lease.

 

by up4abeer
11-01-06
You never trim your bush; It's a mound of matted hair.
You eat fast food every day; You come home and foul the air
You never blow me anymore; Why don't you slob my knob?
Your balls smell like your ass; I'd rather blow the dog
No longer singing
Knob doesn't rhyme with dog you stupid slut.
Whine like a bitch while I kick your nuts.

 

by up4abeer
11-02-06
So this dude dressed up like Kevin Sorbo shows up riding on the back of these other two dudes dressed in a unicorn outfit.
Huh?
It gets better. The dude in the rear of the unicorn had a serious gas problem. Dude could not stop farting. So another dude dressed like Al Pacino starts shoving sour balls up his ass.
Then both of the unicorn dudes open up a serious can of whoop ass on Al Pacino. It was one freaky costume party.
Who the hell is Kevin Sorbo?

 

by up4abeer
11-03-06
You were conceived in a barn. You’re ugly as a cow on the farm.
Despite everything you lack. I’ll still let you lick my nut sack.
You’ve got a real small penis.
Your vagina’s big as Venus
The Big Finish
Rhyming (barn and farm) with alarmmmmm
God that sucked.

 

by up4abeer
11-07-06
You smart ass Yankees are posioning the minds of our youth with all your immoral queer marriage and evolution talk.
So you automatically assume I support gay marriage and favor the teaching of evolution in our public schools based purely on my geographic roots.
So should I assume your favorite activities include cock fights, drinking moonshine, and having sex with your relatives?
Second cousins don't count.
Is beastiaility a rite of passage?

 

by up4abeer
11-09-06
Tell me TAZ; Why do you frown?
I'm not sure why I'm feeling down.
Would a Happy Birthday wish from me bring you some cheer.
Not as much as many bottles of beer.
Can you think of something that rhymes with hick?
I looking at it.

 

by up4abeer
11-21-06
Have you seen my wife?
Who told you that? I have not been seeing your wife.
Is it too late to pretend I did't say that?

 

by up4abeer
12-01-06
Are you drunk?
I'm not sure. Are you sexy?
I'm a sheep.
I'm drunk.

 

by up4abeer
12-11-06
I'd like to order some food but this menu makes no sense.
Everything’s named after a celebrity attribute.
So what's a Janet Jackson boobie?
A chocolate milkshake.
Ok I see. Then I'll have one of those and a Britney Spears who-ha.
Open-face roast beef sandwich. Excellent choice sir.

 

by up4abeer
12-12-06
I just want a man who is decent looking, has a good job, and isn’t afraid of commitment.
Is that all?
Also I don’t want to have to wonder if he is having sex with my slut sister. I admit I have some baggage.
I’ll introduce you to my friend Carl. He is an accountant and a decent looking guy.
How about fear of commitment and the thing with my slut sister?
Carl had sex with your sister last year after which he stalked her non-stop until she filed a restraining order. So legally he can’t go near her.

 

by up4abeer
12-15-06
I’m thinking getting one of those online college degrees. But I can’t decide on a major.
Have you considered a career in the exciting world of Scatology?
That sounds kinda cool. What is it?
In Scatological studies you will explore a wide range of biological information. Of course as in most scientic endeavors you will occasionally have to work around some assholes.
Hey sometimes you have to take some shit to move ahead in this world. Know what I mean.
Your insight leaves me speechless.

 

by up4abeer
12-15-06
So how did your interview go?
My roommate beat me to the shower so I had to wait for her to finish. Then I sat in traffic for over an hour because of road construction.
So you were late?
By twenty minutes. But the manager was in a meeting. So I waited another 2 hours before she interviewed me. At least I got the job.
Good for you. What will you be doing?
Waiting tables.

 

by up4abeer
1-04-07
You ever been married Toga?
Yeah once. It didn't work out.
Did she end it or did you?
I blame the breakup on her Father.
What did he do?
He caught me having sex with her mother.

 

by up4abeer
1-15-07
Is this some sort of bar promotion?
Provide your personal information on this application and take advantage of our free dating service.
I'm not comfortable giving strangers personal information.
Allow me to make copy of your drivers license and I'll give you free cigarettes.
That's sound good except I don't smoke.
We'll hook you up with someone who does. Regular or Menthol?

 

by up4abeer
1-16-07
I want a rich man with movie star looks that knows how to make a woman feel special.
If the person you describe actually existed he would NOT need a dating service.
So I should lower my expectations?
I'm just saying people who need a dating service to hook up should expect to meet people who need a dating service to hook up.
How about a registered voter - who looks like John Goodman - who won’t make me sleep on the wet spot.
Send me a postcard when you get to Utopia.

 

by up4abeer
1-16-07
Well I'm single again.
So I hear. What happened?
She overheard me call her sister a dirty slut.
Why did you call her sister a dirty slut?
I like to talk dirty during anal sex.
Who doesn't?

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