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| What happened? Where am I? | |
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| Ah, Mr. Cruise! So glad to see you've arrived! | |
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| This isn't right. Heaven doesn't exist! Religion and history are all lies! Tell me what's going on! The Power of Scientology commands you! | |
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| Here's the deal Tom. Your appendix burst. One too many jumps on Oprah's couch jostled it to the point of no return. | |
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| No, Really, you got hit by a bus full of your remaining fans. | |
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