All comics by Herschel_Dirtwater

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"Carolina in my mind...."
Why are you singing James Taylor?
I went to his show last night. Man, what a great voice he has.
Yep, but maybe you should leave the singing to the pros, eh?
"I got those steamroller blues..."

 

...so I was on an airplane yesterday, and boy the food was really bad...
...it was so bad...
...and what's the deal with elderly drivers...?

 

YAY! It's a plane finally here to rescue us!!
I know we were both getting tired of all that coconut juice.
Right....coconut juice....

 

25 years ago, 5 men were arrested in the Watergate building behind me for breaking into the Democratic National Commitee offices.
This foiled our takeover bid of the world and eventually deposed our agent X24, code named "Nixon."
On a lighter note, our most recent operative's term is set to expire. Highlights will be shown on "ZFB34's funniest home videos."

 

OK there, Emeril, here's what I want for lunch.
He calls me Emeril one more time, and I'll stick a spatula so far up his ass he'll be able to flip an egg with his tongue.
2 hotdogs with relish, chips, and a coke.
I'm looking forward to beating you to death my turkey baster.
And definitely that chicken soup that you make that's sooooo good.
Very good sir. I've always enjoyed seasoning my soups just for you.

 

OK, quiet everyone. Welcome to Parenting 101 brought to you by the division of youth and family services. Any questions before we begin?
Can we pay for this class with food stamps?
Lesson 1: Contraception.

 

Holy @#$%! Did you see that?
Yeah. That dude just walked right into traffic. Never had a chance.
I'm hungry. Buy me lunch?
Sure, just let me go get his wallet.

 

Let me tell ya Sparky, the key to a woman's heart isn't through laughter or even money as some cinics would have you believe.
Really?
Yes, really.
It's through an incision between the 3rd and 4th ribs just behind the sternum.

 

I've seen this guy out front of my school a lot, and I don't like the look of him.
The shifty eyes, the bad suit, the total quiet desperation.
I'll bet he's a republican.

 

...oh, and make sure you buy some quinoa.
Quinoa? What the @#$%! is that?
Quinoa is an alternative to rice or cus cus, and has a slightly nutty flavor.
?
It is widely considered to be the most healthy food in existence
I guess that's why I've never heard of it.

 

I sure do hate moving.
I know, me too.
I mean, we're running out of everything, and I don't want to buy more before we move.
Yep. We're out of dishwasher soap. I guess we'll just buy a small one for now.
Well, we could just wash them by hand ...
So, we'll buy the small one then?

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