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| Welcome to Channel Juan News. Here with today's top story is our senior news correspondent Jooflum O'Pisscake. | |
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| Thanks, Flumpina. Earlier this evening, we've received several reports claiming that aging hipster Ben Affleck was seen dumping a body in Manhattan's East River. | |
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| Sources report that J. Lo IS alive and well, so until NYPD divers can locate the body, they have eliminated Ms. Lopez as the victim. | |
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| Neither is it Matt Damon, whose alleged torrid gay love affair with El Affleck is rumored to have come to an unhappy end. Mr. Damon's personal enema expert confirmed earlier that he is still alive. | |
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| Nor was it Gwyneth Paltrow, or any other person believed to have been close enough to Affleck to see what a total git he is. | |
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| Hold on, Flumpina, we've got breaking news...NYC divers have found the bag allegedly dumped by Ben Affleck, and it contains...his career. | |
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