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| Today in Washington D.C. an alien spaceship attacked and destroyed the White House, but the President, his cabinet, and their families were uninjured. | |
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| Some People Say this was a direct result of milquetoast Democratic policies. | |
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| The President was most distraught over the death of his dog, however, and will hold a funeral for his deceased pet on Monday. | |
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| Some People Say the dog was secretly a Democratic spy and responsible for the alien attack himself. | |
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| Some people say you're a fucking idiot, Ted. | |
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