All comics by Riovanes

 

by Riovanes
12-15-03
Hey, you fucking loser. If you weren't so fucking lazy you'd have a respectable job. Kill yourself and do everyone a favor.
But ... you've been sucking dicks for money in this alley for hours. I've been watching you! I asked you to leave and you spit semen at me ...
Hah hah, I'm just kidding. Actually I lost my penis in a horrible fish farm accident years ago, and am now a broken shell of a man. Here, read this letter, it explains everything.
There's nothing written here ... just drawings of lemurs. These are pretty good, are they yours? Why did I have to read this?
OMG LITTLE DID HE KNOW HE WOULD SUDDENLY BE CONSUMED IN BLAZING INFERNO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No, my psychiatrist's recommended anger therapy is random violence against strangers, not art. Hey, that's him over there, knifing puppies behind Club Mesa. Strange ...
Yeah, I know, nobody goes to Mesa's anymore.

 

by Riovanes
12-15-03
HOLY SHIT!!! Oh god!!! I just put a nail in my fucking forehead!!! Aaagh! Fuck, that hurts so much! Why would I ever DO something like that to myself?!?
FLASHBACK!
I'm bored, and I gots nothin' to do with this hammer and nail. Hmm ...
I don't think I can accept the possibility I may be so stupid.
Deal with it.

 

by Riovanes
12-15-03
WHAT THE FUCK
OH MAN I'M TOTALLY DANCING LOOK AT ME
YEEAAH- oops! I destroyed the universe again.

 

by Riovanes
12-15-03
There is seriously no way any more of these comics should be made. They just shouldn't exist.
That's quittin' talk, pardner!
Woah, it's John Wayne!
That's right! And I got something very important to tell ya, Coyote. Y'see, I ... I love you. I want us to be happy together forever.
Thanks for murdering that faggot for me.
No problem. Now get down and lick if you want your fucking smack.

 

by Riovanes
12-15-03
MONGOOSES!!!
MONGEESE!!!
What ..? Fuck, man, it's totally mongooses! What the fuck is wrong with you!? You don't even know a word?!?!? Your mom should have fed you fucking rat poison when you were a baby!!!!!
I .. I'm so ashamed ... *sob*
HOLY SHIT I DID IT AGAIN

 

by Riovanes
12-15-03
Hey, big guy, I want you to sex me right up.
Uh ... I'm kind of trying to get this nail out of my forehead, do you think you could hold on a minute?
No way, stud! I need you now! Uhhhnnn I'm so hot ... *heavy breathing* my pants have to come off ... I need you to stick it in me
Do I know you?
Hahah man I can't believe you bought that I was totally joking. What a faggot, hahahaha loser, you fucking queer.
What a zany guy! I'd sure love to be friends with him and the other popular kids in school, if only they'd talk to me ... *sob*

 

by Riovanes
12-15-03
Coyote, I've been selling you junk for a long time. It's time you let me in on the secrets of senseless homicide.
I don't know if you're ready for that, big pink imaginary donkey ... the Way of Not Being a Monk demands a lot self-sacrifice. There are many fun many adventures, though.
Like when I started World War 1! Those were the days. And that chlorine gas? My idea. I romped around in that stuff for days and days. It was an incredibly moving experience. I wrote poetry about it.
Your poetry sucks.
Also I killed Jesus. But that was a long time ago. We've patched things up since then, right, Jesus?
Asshole.

 

by Riovanes
12-15-03
Ohhhhhh man
Yeah
That is some crazy shit. I'm so fucking high. Thanks, imaginary donkey.
Y'know, man, I'm not imaginary. Haven't you noticed that I've been selling you real heroin? Where is all that coming from if I'm just a figment?
Thanks for selling me heroin, imaginary shark. Good thing I didn't have to stab you eight hundred times with meathooks like my last dealer, ha ha ... he had some weird ideas ...
I'm not imaginary.

 

by Riovanes
12-22-03
Ahhh, the game of chess! A gentleman and intellectual's pursuit. Its subtle wisdom and expression of ... oh my god those pieces are fucking moving man I swear to god look at them!!! Holy shit!!!
Oh my fucking god man the things are coming off the board after me!! They're coming for ME!! OH MY GOD AAAUGH SPEARS STABBING EVERYWHERE FIRE AAARRRRRGGHHH
Who would have thought my delusional chess armies would have formed a secret crime cabal and used their influence to toss me in the clink!
Pwned.

 

by Riovanes
2-06-04
The problem with this sort of comic is novelty. It can easily fall into stale patterns and become predictable ...
Hey, hippy! You been smokin' a fatty, eh?? Think you can get away with it, eh??? Well you can't!!! I'm here to put a stop to your no-good, disrespectful, jobless shenanigans!
Uhhh ... well, y'know, that's kinda funny, because I think Mr. Knife here might have something to say about that. Let me just ask him ...
*GASP* NOW I AM IN SPACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Most unpredictable strip ever! (Y)

 

by Riovanes
3-31-04
Every day I hate myself more and more.
......
Hey look people relax in different ways, OK?

 

by Riovanes
3-31-04
Hey, guys! Guess what? I got a job! Yep - after all, the amount of heroin I put in me is totally excessive, and the money has to come from somewhere. So here in the robot factory I, er -- hold on ...
Hey, jackass! We're behind quota this week, and I'm holding YOU responsible! Your ROB robot production ratio is under 3.5 and the TRID is >7*8--blahblahblahblah ...
Uhmmm ...
Whatever.

 

by Riovanes
12-14-05
Coyote takes to the street after a mad download session. What dangers will he face today omg panic!!!1one
I feel like a swashbuckling captain of piracy on the digital seas! I have so much music I could explode at any second. Mice Parade Open Air Dance Pt. 1-4: fucking awesome! *grooves*
You elitist prick! The only reason you like any band is because nobody else listens to it. If Mice Parade was played on the radio, you would hate it. You are damned in the eyes of God.
Oh yeah, well ... you're wearing a fucking visor, you douchebag. What are you going to do about it -- call the music police? Hey, what the fuck is this trash can thing?
*BEEP BADOOM BEEP* I AM MUSIC POLICE UNIT 109-DELTA. YOU HAVE BEEN JUDGED IN VIOLATION OF EDICT 01: BAD TASTE IN MUSIC. *BEEP BADOOP* PREPARE FOR A RED-ASS BEATDOWN, BITCH.
After drowning the robot in ejaculate, our hero relates his harrowing adventures ...
... then I played Timonium over the system at a Beyonce benefit concert for an orphange. Everyone within 1000 miles exploded from obscurity. How's that orphan-blood-flavored coffee for ya, by the way?
Splendid!

 

by Riovanes
12-30-05
We join our hero as the tyrannical government issues a new edict: Dancing Is Forbidden!!! What's a man to do when he's got to get his jive on out on the town?
Hey, fag! Haha I called you fag, that was awesome anyway, didn't you know that ... DANCING IS FORBIDDEN?!?!? Maybe I should stab you in the face!!
Uhhhhm .... okay, dude, let's all just chill out and ... reach for our .45s. *BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!* Haha yeah I don't even have a gun but that totally ruled!
OK, so instead of shooting me you managed to put yet another nail into your own forehead. Good job, buddy. Way to have Down's Syndrome. I am gonna shank your chromosome-lacking ass, bitch.
Then we shall take it outside! In fact, I ALREADY HAVE, bitch! You can't handle that, sucker! Here comes the pain! See that chalk outline? I already drew that, for you!
After bludgeoning the asshole six hundred times with each end of the hammer, our hero travels to a high mountain in distant China to attain enlightenment and freedom from material desire:
All these things you're describing -- arson, murder, anarchy, drowning baby kittens -- these don't sound like monk things. Sounds mostly like you need a mouth to put a dick in!!!!!
I did just want to get this nail out of my forehead ... but, since, I'm here, I may as well get my dick sucked -- oh, and bring mayhem and chaos to the serene Himalayas!! FLAMING MONK PUNCH!!!!

 

by Riovanes
2-24-06
Greetings, my good fellow! Pardon my most flagrant indiscretion in this manner, but I would inquire as to purchasing a great quantity of morphine-derived narcotics from you. Could you procure this?
Sure, sure, I get yo' vibe. You needs da pure H, I gots dat shit right on me, yo. What kinda scrill you gots to back that shit up, yo? It takes-- oh fuck what is this stabbing sensation AAAAAAARGGH!!!
What the fucking shit!! Oh my god!! You just pounded like twenty-five nails into that guy's skull!!!! You murdered him in cold blood!! What kind of inhuman monster are you?!?
This vile sinner had it coming!! His acts, so evil he was already dead in the sight of God, were-- wait, who is this? A spined fish-man in a suit? What the fuck? I don't know who this guy is.
Oh, hey, Coyote. I didn't see you there while I was chopping that talking hadrosaur in a top hat with this axe. Getting an early start on the rampaging too?
You know it, buddy!

 

by Riovanes
2-24-06
Greetings, my good fellow! Pardon my most flagrant indiscretion in this manner, but I would inquire as to purchasing a great quantity of morphine-derived narcotics from you. Could you procure this?
Sure, sure, I get yo' vibe. You needs da pure H, I gots dat shit right on me, yo. What kinda scrill you gots to back that shit up, yo? It takes-- oh fuck what is this stabbing sensation AAAAAAARGGH!!!
What the fucking shit!! Oh my god!! You just pounded like twenty-five nails into that guy's skull!!!! You murdered him in cold blood!! What kind of inhuman monster are you?!?
This vile sinner had it coming!! His acts, so evil he was already dead in the sight of God, were-- wait, who is this? A spined fish-man in a suit? What the fuck? I don't know who this guy is.
Oh, hey, Coyote. I didn't see you there while I was chopping that talking hadrosaur in a top hat with this axe. Getting an early start on the rampaging too?
You know it, buddy!

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