All comics by Stevorama

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by Stevorama
5-17-09
I'm the cute one. Adopt me, please.
No, I'M the cute one. Adopt ME.
Me love you long time.
Subtle.

 

by Stevorama
5-17-09
I'm ready for the apocalypse.
Bulletproof suit, extra oxygen, suicide pill just in case. I'm as prepared as i'm ever going to be. I will face this with dignity. Bring it on.
Jesus, dude, it was just a fart.

 

by Stevorama
5-17-09
This isn't easy, you know.
This is years of training. This is hour after hour of blood, sweat, and tears. This is the result of honing a skill to a knife-edge. This is dedication to craft. This is MIND over MATTER, baby!
This is so goddamn embarrassing.

 

by Stevorama
5-17-09
Why can't I have a car like Sheila's? She got a new hatchback with power steering. You could afford that if you really wanted to.
And you'd better not say you're working late again. Your paycheck would show if you were working 200 hours a week, mister. I'm not stupid.
It's OK. We're married.

 

by Stevorama
5-17-09
Sorry I'm late. I had to go to the mall.
But the mall's right next door. How long could it take?
I tripped on the "up" escalator.
So?
I fell for twenty minutes.
That explains the scratches, but not the hair color...

 

by Stevorama
5-17-09
Oh my God. There's a goat in the back yard having sex with your mom!
How can you just stand there smiling? Doesn't it even bother you???
Na-a-a-a-a-h.

 

by Stevorama
5-17-09
I think we should date. You'd like me.
I'm sweet, lovable, nurturing, kind, entertaining, loyal, funny, smart, a good cook, a great listener, and a tigress in the boudoir.
And she needs a green card.
Oh, yeah, that.

 

by Stevorama
5-17-09
She said she's be right back.
I'll bet she went out the back door. I'll bet she is catching a flight to Rio, escaping all her responsibilities, leaving it to the state to pay for my upbringing. I'll bet she never loved me.
On the other hand, maybe she's taking a crap.

 

by Stevorama
5-17-09
I don't understand. On Ebay it said you were Ashlee Simpson's pet songbird.
You haven't sung. you haven't squawked. I haven't heard a peep out of you since you got here.
That's it. Waterboarding.
Come back. I was just waiting til you got Auto-Tune hooked up.

 

by Stevorama
5-18-09
I'm sorry, Father, but I can't come to your church. I have major issues that I just can't get past yet.
I was touched by a priest as a child.
You poor boy! Where did he touch you?
Burbank.

 

by Stevorama
5-18-09
I'm not giving you the keys.
You can't drive. You...are...a...dog.
You ate my bag of pot, didn't you?
Who needs wheels when you're flying?

 

by Stevorama
5-18-09
OK. Left, red button, up, left, down, right, pulse, left, left, down, right...
Damn.
Changing channels used to be so easy.
This week, on Lawrence Welk...

 

by Stevorama
5-18-09
Did you hear from R&D?
Yes.
So what's the verdict?
We're calling the third season "ROCK OF LOVE BUS WITH BRET MICHAELS".
So "Desperate Ho-Bags" didn't make the cut?
ABC threatened to sue.

 

by Stevorama
5-18-09
Get out of here! You smoked cigarettes?
Yes, my son. I smoked Camel filters.
Did you save the coupons?
Where do you think I got that nifty cross?

 

by Stevorama
5-19-09
We're going to stand here and stare at you until we get what we want.
Shouldn't you tell them what we want?
God damn it, I knew I forgot something.

 

by Stevorama
5-20-09
Here we are in the frozen North, in this barren wasteland, tha land of the midnight sun, to study the mating habits of the arctic walrus.
Okay, 10:42 PM sun. Whatever.

 

by Stevorama
5-20-09
Wow. that poem was amazing.
It captured the nuance, the subtleties, the drama of life on this revolving orb we call "Earth". Like, wow.
I especially liked the part where she said, "To the owner of a silver Toyota - your lights are on".

 

by Stevorama
5-20-09
Are you sure going to this costume party is a good idea?
Of course. It's a nice break from my cutthroat Wall Street job. A chance to relax, get away from the old dog-eat-dog and really let loose.
To be honest, I'm not sure what you're supposed to be in that costume.
I'm a corporate raider.

 

by Stevorama
5-20-09
We're not as silly as we seem. I, for example, care deeply about a myriad of cultural and political issues.
For instance, it's going to be a long road before we find out whether Pelosi knew about waterboarding, or whether the CIA was just up to its usual subterfuge in regard to cross-branch disclosure of se
Ran out of room, didn't you, you pretentious bitch?
I have to poop.

 

by Stevorama
5-21-09
You'd have loved the Sixties, man. Free love, great music, good drugs, a spirit of hope. Not like the crap that passes for popular culture today.
Ya dig?
Must... find...
Oh, damn. My shirt has hypnotized you again, hasn't it?
Must... find... Woodstock...

 

by Stevorama
5-21-09
Where are all the movers and shakers in this country nowadays?
They bitch and complain about everything, but when the time comes to sacrifice they just don't have the balls.
I can certainly relate to that last part...

 

by Stevorama
5-22-09
Fashion Week at the orphanage...
I'm wearing a green rag-skirt dress with ebony collar and buttons by Vera Wrong, with hair by Vidal Suxone.
And I am dressed today by Busty Johnston in a kelly-hued squareneck midsleeve tunic with a Roman centurion-inspired hemline, and my hair is by Hosey Eber.
And no underwear.
Well, duh!

 

by Stevorama
5-22-09
I'm sorry I hurt you, Debbie. I'll make it up to you. Please come back inside!
I need you! I want you! I love you so much! You are the one! I worship the ground you walk on! There has never been a more perfect person in my life!
I'm wearing one of your thongs right now just to stay nearer to you!
You were almost there, dumbass.

 

by Stevorama
5-22-09
We're at the White House trying to get a peek at the Obamas' new dog, Bo.
Bo is a Portugese Water Dog.
As opposed to the previous resident, the Gitmoan Waterboarding Pussy.

 

by Stevorama
5-22-09
That'll be $14.38 for the gas, ma'am.
Fine, I'll write a check.
Damn it, some asshole has my pen.

 

by Stevorama
5-22-09
It's 1:15 here on MTV, exclusive home of the the new R-rated Britney Spears video, shown only after 1 AM.
Finally! All this coffee was worth it, I am so stoked!
What?
Oops, sorry, we meant 4 AM.
Espresso it is.

 

by Stevorama
5-22-09
I just say no to drugs, and so should you!
Sounds intelligent on the surface...
Yet he says yes to that outfit.

 

by Stevorama
5-23-09
So, anyway, I turned to Pxoryl and said, "Way to go, killer."
And she says, "Killer? I barely touched her. "
I'd cry, but I need this eye to friggin' see.

 

by Stevorama
5-24-09
I heard we're both up for the promotion.
Yeah.
Either way I'll miss working with you. Wonder how they'll decide? Maybe we could just wrestle for it.
What?
So, hey, naked at sundown?
You are not a subtle person.

 

by Stevorama
5-24-09
See? They were right.
A nuclear holocaust hits, and now we're all that has survived on the entire planet. The world is ours!
Wait, is that Cher over there?

 

by Stevorama
6-13-09
"...and President Obama is making America less safe..."
I am so over that Cheney asshole.
"...his policies will take the entire nation into a strategic quagmire..."
Would somebody just pull the wire out of that murdering treasonous fuck's pacemaker already?
"...blah blah blah, 9/11, blah blah, Socialist, blah blah blah, black guy..."
Although... he was great as The Penguin in "Batman Returns"...

 

by Stevorama
6-14-09
This does not end here. You can't just leave me to die.
You'll never get away with this. I am a well-loved person! I will be missed! They will hunt you to the ends of the earth, you godless piece of excrement! VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!
Calm down, dork. It was a paintball gun.
Fine. From beyond the bathtub then.

 

by Stevorama
6-17-09
I'm so tired of standing here like this. I will go freaking insane if something doesn't give soon.
What are we waiting for? Let's just do it! Change our lives! Shake things up! Take charge of our own destinies! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!
I don't know about you, but I feel so much fucking better.
I can save that Xanax for the orgy party now.

 

by Stevorama
9-28-09
Hey, someone abandoned a little bird. Why would anyone do that?
Where did you come from, you widdle bitty cutesy-wootsy birdybird?
Your sister's ass.
Mystery solved.

 

by Stevorama
9-28-09
I swear to God, the heat does not work.
What do they do with the money they make here? Sure doesn't go to employee comfort, I'll tell you that.
It's what, 40 degrees in here and they expect me to type? Can't type in mittens, mister bossy-man!
I'm going to have to go home and get a sweater. Maybe a parka! I wonder where I put my earmuffs?
Next time I'm about to ask the boss to hire some cool chicks, please stop me.

 

by Stevorama
9-28-09
Are you the hunter that accidentally shot your buddy?
Yes, afraid that's me.
So is he going to be OK?
He might have been if you hadn't skinned him.

 

by Stevorama
9-28-09
I'm sorry, doc, but that can't be my wife.
How can you say that? You haven't even looked at the body!
She isn't nagging.
Point made.

 

by Stevorama
9-28-09
Are you really the burning bush?
Yes, my son.
I hold the secrets of the universe. You may ask me the questions that have always torn at your soul.
Explain Tom Arnold.
I'd like to phone a friend.

 

by Stevorama
9-29-09
Ma'am, I'm sellilng brushes. The entire presentation takes five minutes. Please open the door.
I'm just trying to make an honest living and climb toward the American Dream. Please let me at least show you my wares before you reject them.
Got any coke?
Let me get my other briefcase.

 

by Stevorama
9-29-09
Listen, if I let you crash here, can I trust you to be a good roommate?
Absolutely. I'm quiet as a mouse, I'm clean as a whistle, I shower twice a day, and I eat like a bird.
OK, get your stuff, I'll get your room ready.
Who knew you could cross your hoof?

 

by Stevorama
9-29-09
Did you hear about Xorak's vision problems?
He had to get a big corrective lens in a wire frame fitted over his sight orb.
They're already calling him "Two-Eyes"!
I will use this.

 

by Stevorama
9-29-09
Report, Corporal Zennzyk - were you succesful in your assigned verbal correspondence with the Earth - Leader?
Negative. The Earth - Leader is attending an important meeting of other Earth-Leaders concering the plight of the planet. I did, however, glean valuable information from his appointed emissary.
Surrender said information so that I might alert the mighty Xrxyl and begin the disseminiation and debriefing process.
The bathroom is on the third floor.
You are so fucking fired.

 

by Stevorama
9-30-09
An astounding turnout for your show, and the critical praise is relentless! What is the secret to your success in the art world, Daniel?
I paint with my penis.
Gotta go.
Note to self: "less penis, more mystery".

 

by Stevorama
9-30-09
You won't need that on Earth, Jesus.
The atmosphere is still the same as when you were last there.
Hence the head protection. Those thorns are a bitch.

 

by Stevorama
9-30-09
I am so pissed off right now.
What happened to you, Sheila?
I told that African guy at the magic convention that I wanted to have a better memory...and he did this!
That's nothing.
I told the Chinese wizard that I wanted to be one of the Crips.

 

by Stevorama
10-01-09
Fall is coming. Cooler temperatures, beautiful leaves, fresher air. Wow. So great.
Then comes winter. The snow! The cold! The ice-blue beauty of it all! I'm shivering just thinking about it!
I admit the wet diaper helps.

 

by Stevorama
10-01-09
We found your cat in a tree, ma'am.
Oh, thank you, you sweet, sweet man! I thought Woopiekins was gone forever!
But we've never met. However did you know he was mine?
He smells like ginger snaps and Preparation H.

 

by Stevorama
10-01-09
So, has this camping trip relaxed you like you'd hoped it would?
Oh, yes indeed.
You certainly look happier than you were before we started our vacation.
Clean air, beautiful surroundings, fishing, no phones, no computer, a million stars at night... I haven't a care!
Do you hear a banjo?
OK, one care.

 

by Stevorama
10-02-09
Are you ready to leave for the concert?
I'm not going to make it, Davyd.
Ms. R. called and said she can't be home til at least ten o'clock. I called everyone I know and no one's free. I have to stay with the kid. I am so bummed. but I'll have to survive just this once.
Barry Manilow won't be the same without you.
His mom's right. He DOES need a psychiatrist.

 

by Stevorama
10-03-09
Welcome to the first Neanderthal Open Mic.
You know, I don't get no respect!
And so it begins.
I took my mate a stick of fire... she torched my wheel with it! Is this thing on? I'll be here all week, try the pteradactyl eggs!

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