All comics by TheAnalyst

Profile

 

by TheAnalyst
8-12-02
The Press: Mr President! With the current state of the war on terrorism, how likely is it that the US will be mobilised for war against Iraq?
President: I and my staff are, of course, in full consultation with Congress and we will have an answer on that by the end of the week.
The Press: What is your response to Senator Carl Levin's hypothesis that should the US go to war against Iraq that Saddam would use weapons of mass destruction, having nothing to lose in such an act?
President: With all due respect to the Senator, I think he is very wrong. If we strike Saddam where it hurts NOW then it reduces the risk of such retaliation. Of course, Saddam is watching this, too..
The Press: Is there anything more you can give the American public, perhaps to encourage them in these times of continuing trouble and strife, to boost public spirit?
President: Yes. I would like the world to know that all their base... Okay, which wiseass wrote this speech?

 

by TheAnalyst
8-12-02
The President of the United States and the Prime Minister of Great Britain.
Prime Minister: H-hello, Mister President. I do hope you're... well. I'm just calling to... discuss... the latest agreement between... our countries.
President: Is there something wrong with the agreement, Minister?
Prime Minister: W-well, no. Not as such... it's just a few details that are still a little... hazy.
President: Hazy? I'm not quite sure I'm with you there, Minister... you'll have to explain some more.
Prime Minister: There are some... p-places in the agreement that are a little... strangely worded, shall we say. Are you quite sure it's the... same... agreement as always?
President: Of course it's the same damn agreement. We say jump, you say how hi. What's so hard to understand?

 

by TheAnalyst
8-12-02
Mister President, the corporations backed you, and now it's time to give back to them. But I think something a little more subtle than this is in order. This is, simply, preposterous.
Why not? It's the perfect solution. Make medical records available to the pharmaceuticals so they can market their drugs to a more appropriate social strata. I don't see the problem here, Dick.
The problem lies not with the pharmaceuticals, but with the public. Medical records are intended to be private records for doctors, not marketing tools for corporations.
So what am I supposed to do here? I have people to satisfy, promises to keep... I have to keep -some- of my election promises, or they'll think I'm incompetent.
Too late... The key is to make it seem like you're doing the public a favour, while helping out the corporations that sponsored you. How about weakening the Department of Health and Human Services...
... to let medical records be appropriated by the insurance industry without the patient's signature. Perfect! That's one sector, now let's talk military contracts. How's Iraq looking these days...?

 

by TheAnalyst
8-12-02
Yes, Mister President, you wanted to see me?
Yes, please have these memos faxed secure to the CIA, NSA and FBI. I want to see proof of receipt, too, signed by the directors themselves.
Yes sir, will there be anything else?
Yes, please also have the first proofs of the Kyoto agreement and the ABM treaties sent in. I want to begin a full briefing and analysis with the cabinet this afternoon.
Of course, Mister President, anything else?
Do you smoke cigars?

 

by TheAnalyst
8-13-02
Mister President, could you summarise the thoughts of your administration after Mister Schwab's warning that the recent slide in share prices has taken its toll on investors?
Well, of course we are deeply concerned, but I am still confident that these comments will not dent the hopes of a full economic recovery.
How do you respond to allegations made by Democratic representative John Spratt that by limiting the seminar to like minded participants, you are protecting your policies from scrutiny?
With all due respect to Mr Spratt, that is utter hogwash. The Bush Administration has always been, and will remain, open to scrutiny in its policies and practises as is the right of every citizen.
If that is the case, Mr. President, how do you respond to critics of Operation TIPS and its negative press of being an anachronistic throwback to McCarthyism, rewarding citizens for spying on peers?
That is all for this evening, no further questions.

Showing page 1.