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| And I'm Betty Humpter. Welcome to the New Year's Day news. | |
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| In exciting news, every person who owns a Limp Bizkit album mysteriously died in various wheat threshing accidents around America. | |
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| That's right, Dick, and this was topped off by a suicide pact between Fred Durst, Scott Stapp, and Mark McGrath. | |
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| In other news, MTV has been shut down for failing to provide truth in advertising by claiming they play music. | |
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| And in pop chart news, Pere Ubu has the #1 record in America. | |
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