All comics by Xyphias

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by Xyphias
2-02-09
I sure am glad to be back, Ted.
We're glad to have you back Detective Will. But are you sure you wanna be working after...what happened?
I've been through this with you before Ted! I have to put it in the past! I just want to forget! She was my wife for God's sake!
Sorry Will. I understand how you must feel. The poor girl. Her legs got chewed off and her entire face was melted...
TED!
Sorry. I just can't get the image of her guts spread over the floor, out of my head.

 

by Xyphias
2-02-09
Hey, Jeremy.
Hey, Will! >Wakka< How you coping buddy? >Wakka!<
I'm doing ok. Still having nightmares and things. But I'm relieved to get back.
You gotta take your mind off things, man. >Wakka< We got a tough case coming up. Maybe the Boss Man Ted'll give you it. >Wakka!<
Yeah...that's a good idea. Thanks man.
No problem dude. >Wakka< I loved Kimmy. And seeing her brains spread over that wall...no man deserves to see that. >Wakka!<

 

by Xyphias
2-02-09
Ted, you gotta give me an assignment. I need to start working!
I would, Will. But i don't want you going crazy on me when you see some dead guy with his head three miles from his body and get flashbacks of Kimmy-
GOD DAMN IT TED! I've heard enough about Kimmy! Give me a job you jack-ass!
Ok. But Dex is going with you.
Aw not Dex!
I think it's about time you two buried the hatchet. You're needed at 222 Warbing Road. Some old lady's lost her glass eye.

 

by Xyphias
2-02-09
"222 Warbing Road. And I'm stuck on the job with this prick. The shit-head who slept with Kimmy, when we first got married. It should've been his butt cheek exploded against the windows, not hers..."
Heyyyy! Willy, man! Look, dude, i think it's about time we totally kiss and make up over this whole dumb thing.
I'll kill you, you hippy shit.
You know Kimmy loved you man. She totally dug you. She thought you were the sexiest guy alive, man. Who knows why she went down on me, man.
Hate, hate, HATE!
Yo, maybe we should talk about this after, man. We should really focus on the job.
Really, man. Can you just, like, shut up for a minute.

 

by Xyphias
2-02-09
'Detective Will of The Detective League, We'll solve any case that noone else will.' what seems to be the problem, ma'am?
Well, I was bending over to pick up my cat and my eye fell out and rolled across the floor. Obviously, I didn't see where it went but it seems to have mysteriously disapeared.
I...see...well I'll have a good look for it ma'am. I'll have my partner take details when he comes back.
Oh thank you young man. God bless you.
Heyyyy man! Sorry about that. I had to shake my biscuits. What seems to be the problem-o daddy-o?
Count to three...count to three...count to THREE!

 

ReellyBrite Co presents to you Super Contacts! So clear, you can even see the Earth you stand on!
Wow! I can really see it!
You're still wearing your glasses, dumby!
by Xyphias, 2-02-09

 

Fed up with having to dodge poison apples? Big Bad Wolf getting you down? For all your fairytale troubles, why not call HappilyEverAfter? Our helpline is free and 100% helpful. Give us a call today.
HIYAH! Goddam, wicked witch! Leave Hansel alone! Hello?
Welcome to HappilyEverAfter, your number one helpline that garuntees you a Happily Ever After. Please hold.
by Xyphias, 5-15-10

 

No one wants to be lonely forever. But some of us have trouble finding our soul mate. That's were we step in. Snap Co. Setting up blind dates for fifty years.
Oh no. Why do I keep getting set up with this guy? I eat human flesh! Yum. Yum.
Please have breasts. Please have breasts. Please have breasts. Please have breasts...
by Xyphias, 5-15-10

 

Eat at TitillatingTastes and have your taste buds anally raped! TitillatingTastes, committing crimes of culinary just for you.
...but...the burger told me he loved me! He loved me!
He tells that to everybody.
by Xyphias, 5-15-10

 

In an apocalyptic world...one cat will risk EVERYTHING for the man he loves. NineLivesDown. Coming to a theatre near you!
I can't say that I approve of what you do to that cat, Johnny. It feels wrong!
It feels pretty good to me. A-hoo-hoo-hoo...
by Xyphias, 5-15-10

 

Now that's entertainment! Billy The Butcher will defend his title-ship in a paper match against Fluffy The Whore. Both competitors risk millions of paper cuts to get to the top! This Friday!
Ok, seriously. I need to be put away. I enjoy killing things, ok. You can't continue exploiting me anymore! I'm dangerous!
Mwahaha. The fools. Little do they realise that rabbits can't get paper cuts! Ha! I'm totally gonna murder this bitch.
by Xyphias, 5-15-10

 

Hookers! Prostitutes! Sluts! Whatever you call yourself, you need to save yourself! The Catholic Church wants to help you find God...so just do what we tell you and you will...ok...Call now!
Look, I'm not sure about this, father.
Trust me child. It's what God wants.
by Xyphias, 5-15-10

 

Britain and America's Got Talentless Loosers is coming to our screens this fall. See such acts as Darren- The Man With The Shapeshifting Penis! And Toby- The Circus Mutt!
Huh. Like that's entertaining!
Woof?
by Xyphias, 5-15-10

 

Sick of being the social freak? So is the rest of the world. That's why, here at PinkyUp, we want you to change...for everyone's sake. Call us. Now. Please. It's for your own good.
Ok...I'm going to make this simple. You need to stop licking yourself in public!
Hey, buddy, if YOU could lick your nuts do you think you could stop that easily?
by Xyphias, 5-15-10

 

Teenagers are parasites! If you have an infestation of these greasy-haired, freeloading, lazy, pockmarked, DUDES, then call GrowUp! to move on the "slouchers".
Alright DUDE just keep MOONWALKING out of here, alright MAN? I don't want to THROW DOWN with you. WE COOL DAWG?
Hey, man, I'm twenty-five!
by Xyphias, 5-15-10

 

And now a word from our representative at PinkyUp.
People are failing to live up to the standards of society. Gone are the days when one would shake anothers hand in greeting. Now, as I understand, we slap each others...buttocks...God! It sickens me!
Are you wearing a hat or is that your actual hair?
by Xyphias, 5-15-10

 

Commercial for ReellyBrite Co. Take 1 Our contacts are so effective...YOU CAN SEE THE EARTH YOU STAND ON!
HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!
>sigh< Look, man, I've been doing these dumb ass commercials for years, ok? My most recent involved my character being raped...in the taste buds. Just go with it and you'll get your paycheck!
by Xyphias, 5-15-10

 

OMG! That was just a taster of the kind of work we do here at Over-reactions Ltd. Do you want someone to over-react to your mediocre life? We will do it. Visit our website for more info.
You didn't need to do all this. Really, I've been doing this "why did I cross the road" bit for years. I'm an expert.
HERE'S ONE FOR YOU; WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? CAUSE HE WANTED TO GET CRUSHED TO DEATH BY A MNASSIVE TRUCK AND THEN NOT GO TO HOSPITAL CAUSE HE DIDN'T CALL AN AMBULANCE IN ADVANCE!
by Xyphias, 5-15-10

 

InsaneryUnit has been working for twenty years in perfecting our method of green screen healing. And you know what? Five patients have actually been cured! Amazing, huh?
Ow...I never knew you could weld sking together with nail glue. I thought that was just a myth! What happened to you?
...I really don't want to talk about it. Ever.
by Xyphias, 5-15-10

 

10 years ago, a bunch of scientist put a baby bat and a baby cockroach in an Icelandic cave together, just to see what would happen. Join us live on channel nine for the results, this Tuesday.
I've brought you more human blood, my pretty. Soon you will be large enough and with me by your side, there is nothing stopping us to take over the human race.
...I want totalk to you about that...
by Xyphias, 5-15-10

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