All comics by Zaster

Profile

 

by Zaster
11-21-03
You seem pretty stressed today, Roger. What's up?
This place is starting to get to me! I don't think I can stand it here much longer.
If an opportunity to leave this place doesn't come along soon, I think I'm gonna snap!
You hate the company that much?
I'm talking about the Earth!

 

by Zaster
11-22-03
I heard you were having a bad day. Anything I can do to help?
Maybe. Tell me something... Is it wrong to just want to plunge the entire stupid world into never-ending chaos?
No, I don't think so.
Thanks. I thought I was losing my grip!

 

by Zaster
11-22-03
You seem tense today, Roger. Everything alright?
The pressure is getting to me, Boss! I'm going to snap.
You're saying you need a few days vacation...
I'm saying I'm going to snap! I'll be going off like Mt. Pinatubo Wednesday at 8:00, if that's alright.
You're saying you want a raise.
Certain circumstances *could* cause me to revise my timeline.

 

by Zaster
11-22-03
So what would you like for Christmas, little boy?
A belt sander!
What would you like for Christmas, little girl?
Matches!
Get right on that, elf-boy!
You have enslaved my people, Cruel One. Must you also insult us?

 

by Zaster
11-27-03
I don't want to car-pool with you anymore, Brandon.
Why? Because I used a cell phone while driving?
Well, between that and changing the CD after every song...
Look, I'm getting one of those hands-free cell phones this week-end.
That's a start.
That way my hands'll be free to bust out the game-boy on that boring stretch of through-way.

 

by Zaster
12-01-03
New glasses, Lewis?
I made them myself. You put them on and walk around, and you can see everything in 3D.
Cool! You mean like TV and computer displays?
Naw. Just cars and trucks and people, ect.
Wait a minute...
I'm working on a pair that lets you see through windows.

 

by Zaster
12-01-03
Step off! I'm like a crazy person! You do not want to mess with me today.
What? I didn't go near you!
I mean it! I've been dangling my participles! Yesterday, I stood outside Blockbuster and gave away the ending to Legally Blonde II. Nothing is sacred!
Whatever, weirdo.
Stay back! I swear to god I'll spit my gum right on this sidewalk!
Aren't you the guy who ruined the ending to Legally Blonde II!

 

by Zaster
12-09-03
Greetings, Sensei.
Ah, my newest pupil. You have come to learn the Way of the Exploding Fist? Then prepare yourself!
Um... for what?
I must first thrash you within an inch of your life! Only then can I show you how it was done.
I think I've changed my mind about this.
Sorry. You already signed a contract!

 

by Zaster
12-09-03
You're here about the "master auto technician" position?
Yes I am! So tell me, what does a company like yours have to offer a "master tech" such as myself?
Well, we...
Why should an automotive god like me work HERE when I can go into ANY auto shop, snap my fingers, and be hired on the spot?
Well, we...
Oh, say -- you do provide training right?

 

by Zaster
12-12-03
I was thinking... if you want a career in the FBI, you can just go to school for it, right?
But if you want a career as a mobster, you have to know somebody on the inside.
It just doesn't seem fair, you know?
I'll dial the president.

 

by Zaster
12-14-03
Singing telegram for Makk Benn!
How will you make it on your own? This world is awfully big, and boy this time you're all alone.
Well it's you Makk and you should know it. With each glance and every little movement you show it.
Maybe I shouldn't have announced my departure.

 

by Zaster
12-22-03
Random Carved Pumpkin, I am so pissed now that Halloween is over.
I know, Generic Halloween Symbol! They'll forget about us until next year.
Now we have to step out of the limelight and let them have their day.
And people do their Christmas shopping 7 months in advance!They won't even think about US again until October! FUCK Christmas!
Please can I guide you sleigh? I glow *much* brighter than Rudolph and his stupid nose!
Ho ho! I admire your opportunism. It's how I took this holiday away from baby Jesus, just like he took it away from the Romans!

 

by Zaster
12-22-03
Random Carved Pumpkin, I am so pissed now that Halloween is over.
I know, Generic Halloween Symbol! They'll forget about us until next year.
Now we have to step out of the limelight and let them have their day.
And people do their Christmas shopping 7 months in advance!They won't even think about US again until October! FUCK Christmas!
She trusts me completely! Now what?
Frag the bitch. October, November, AND December will be mine!

 

by Zaster
12-23-03
Random Carved Pumpkin, I am so pissed now that Halloween is over.
I know, Generic Halloween Symbol! They'll forget about us until next year.
Now we have to step out of the limelight and let them have their day.
And people do their Christmas shopping 7 months in advance!They won't even think about US again until October! FUCK Christmas!
About that "Smashing Pumkins" CD you left in my stocking... not funny!
Ho Ho! Santa knows when you've been naughty!

 

by Zaster
12-23-03
andom Carved Pumpkin, I am so pissed now that Halloween is over.
I know, Generic Halloween Symbol! They'll forget about us until next year.
Now we have to step out of the limelight and let them have their day.
d people do their Christmas shopping 7 months in advance!They won't even think about US again until October! FUCK Christmas!
About that "Smashing Pumpkins" CD in my stocking... not funny!
Ho Ho! You've been a naughty vegetable!

 

by Zaster
12-23-03
Random Carved Pumpkin, I am so pissed now that Halloween is over.
I know, Generic Halloween Symbol! They'll forget about us until next year.
Now we have to step out of the limelight and let them have their day.
And people do their Christmas shopping 7 months in advance!They won't even think about US again until October! FUCK Christmas!
I'm here to kill you. I demand you pick me up and ram my stem through your heart this instant!
How did you get past my 6th level elfin warriors?

 

by Zaster
12-24-03
Have you seen the Role Player's Illustrated Chainmail Bikini Edition? The women are sooo hot.
They sure are! Why I'll bet that if you cut them up and rearranged the body parts...
You could make, like, the perfect woman!
Garry, do you ever wonder *why* you have no close friends?

 

by Zaster
12-28-03
Jenny, I'm about to make you the happiest woman alive!
How would you like to accompany me to dinner after work today?
Sorry. I made a New Year's resolution not to go out with guys from work.
So much for being more honest this year.

 

by Zaster
12-29-03
2004 approaching, sir!
Good, corporal. Keep it in your sights. We don't want to lose it.
OH... MY... GOD!!!
What is it, corporal?? What do you see!!
Somebody left thier plastic army men out here.
Let's light 'em on fire!

 

by Zaster
12-29-03
2004 approaching, sir!
Good, corporal. Keep it in your sights. We don't want to lose it.
OH... MY... GOD!!!
What is it, corporal?? What do you see!!
Closer, my naughty New Year!
Aren't you going to tie me up first?

 

by Zaster
12-30-03
2004 approaching, sir!
Good, corporal. Keep it in your sights. We don't want to lose it.
OH... MY... GOD!!!
What is it, corporal?? What do you see!!
A "Sinbad" toy with every Happy Meal!
Focus, Hernandez, FOCUS!

 

by Zaster
12-30-03
2004 approaching, sir!
Good, corporal. Keep it in your sights. We don't want to lose it.
OH... MY... GOD!!!
What is it, corporal?? What do you see!!
Time warp, sir!

 

by Zaster
1-04-04
Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started?
Doom III was delayed again!
Can someone hand me a cinderblock?

 

by Zaster
1-04-04
Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started?
One of us noticed that when you smash a shop window and grab what you want, you don't have to pay for it.
Interesting. Have you, uh... seen any plasma TVs on display around here?

 

by Zaster
1-04-04
Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started?
Is this where I'm supposed to throw this Molotov cocktail at your news van?
Shh! Not out loud!

 

by Zaster
1-13-04
What can I get you sir?
I’ve got very special dietary requirements and i'm not really sure if I can eat here
Well we do try to have something on the menu for everyone, and our chef can make up absolutely anything you could want.
Well in that case maybe I will have something.
Best mushrooms I've ever had. My compliments to the chef!

 

by Zaster
1-13-04
What can I get you sir?
I’ve got very special dietary requirements and i'm not really sure if I can eat here.
Well we do try to have something on the menu for everyone, and our chef can make up absolutely anything you could want.
Well in that case maybe I will have something.
Just kidding, sir. This is a White Castle! Nothing here is actually intended for human consumption.
Guess I'll have a diet coke to go then.

 

by Zaster
1-13-04
What can I get you sir?
I’ve got very special dietary requirements and i'm not really sure if I can eat here.
Well we do try to have something on the menu for everyone, and our chef can make up absolutely anything you could want.
Well in that case maybe I will have something.
Dude wants veal roasted to tender perfection.
Whatever! One slab-o-cat coming right up.

 

by Zaster
1-17-04
What can I get you sir?
I’ve got very special dietary requirements and i'm not really sure if I can eat here
Well we do try to have something on the menu for everyone, and our chef can make up absolutely anything you could want.
Well in that case maybe I will have something.
* chokes on cock *

 

by Zaster
1-19-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
Find out what city "Disney on Ice" is playing *next*!
Awesome.

 

by Zaster
1-19-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
I'm late for my sewing circle.
You're going to miss my poetry recital!

 

by Zaster
1-19-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
eah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
Heh heh. We should, like, get some nachos or something. That would be *cool*.
Huh huh. Good idea, Beavis.

 

by Zaster
1-19-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
Loot the library and score some bitchin' mathematical treatises.
Cartesian coordinates, dude!

 

by Zaster
1-19-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
Whew! That was hard work.
Good thing I had a socket set in my truck.

 

by Zaster
1-20-04
My GOD, that was the best show ever.
Yeah, I can't believe they ended up detroying the whole city afterwards.
Well, it's been a trademark of theirs.
So, now that it's over, what you wanna do?
I thought I'd pursue a four-year degree at the state school, settle down with a nice girl, find some digs out in the suburbs...
I guess I'm talking SHORT-TERM plans...

 

by Zaster
1-25-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Something's come up. We'll finish planning our hit on the Senator later!

 

by Zaster
1-25-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Is widdle brother off to make snickerdoodles with his fwiends? Awww....
It's our code word for meth.

 

by Zaster
1-25-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
And now you and your friend are being sued for using a proprietary snack recipe?
Copyright lawyers smell blood a mile away.

 

by Zaster
1-25-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Spankling had to step out. But you can show ME how to make snickerdoodles!
"Dear Penthouse; I never thought it would happen to me..."

 

by Zaster
1-25-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
So, this is the heart of your Snickerdoodle empire!
I'm sorry you had to overhear that little exchange. You can never leave here alive.

 

by Zaster
1-25-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Why did you tell your friend that? I said you were grounded!
Dad, you *know* I have pictures you don't want getting out.

 

by Zaster
1-26-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Spankling was wearing a wire. You're going down!
Son-of-a...

 

by Zaster
1-26-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
A snickerdoodle is what I call a pact with Satan.
I was wondering that on the way over.

 

by Zaster
1-27-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
O.K... I think that's enough for now.
Same time tomorrow?

 

by Zaster
1-27-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
I'm sorry we had to trick you like that Neo. It was the only way to get you out of the Matrix!
But I was having fun!

 

by Zaster
1-27-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
I am a magic genie, here to grant you untold riches and power!
No thanks! I'm on my way over to my friend's house to make snickerdoodles.

 

by Zaster
1-27-04
Gee Mom... this steak is a little cold. Almost as cold as your ICY BLACK HEART!
Grandpa... do you detect a rancid aftertaste of distrust? The bitterness of a mother's disregard for her son's needs?
Quit making a scene! You are NOT getting a motorbike!
Can I be excused? I think I'm choking on the parsimony!

 

by Zaster
2-09-04
I believe we should live in a system where a corrupt and entrenched beaurocracy rules over all!
But I say we need a system where bottom-feeding lawyers and business interests are in control!
Well, I'm not budging an inch.
Then how are we gonna settle this?
Duh? By killing each other!
(slaps forehead)... Of course!

 

by Zaster
2-11-04
Men, we face an enemy who is sneaky, underhanded, treacherous, and evil!
They say the same thing about us, sir!
They do? Why those lying, no good, slanderous devils!
They say that, too.
Look, this a pep talk. Work with me, son.
I'm going over to the other side. I hear the food is better.

 

by Zaster
2-12-04
Men, the one thing that seperates us from the enemy is that we have Gawd on our side!
Now I've heard everything!
Behold your creator! In the name of peace and brotherhood, I command you to go forth and obliterate the enemy!
I don't understand! How can you even choose sides in such a bloody and destructive affair?
Normally I wouldn't. But I have money riding on you guys!
I guess that inspires confidence, on some level.

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