All comics by ajsandiego

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by ajsandiego
5-19-15
BILL AND DOUG AT THE OFFICE
The thrill is gone from my marriage
Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair
DOUG GIVES BILL ADVISE
But what if my wife finds out?
Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it
BILL AT HOME WITH HIS WIFE
Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together
Forget it, I’ve tried that – it didn’t work

 

by ajsandiego
5-20-15
A conversation with Jesus
Do you know that I can turn grapes into wine.
Do you know that I can turn water into wine.
But did you know that I write the songs that make the whole World sing.
And did you know that the whole World praises me with those songs.
Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ.
Who does he think he is, Barry Manilow.

 

by ajsandiego
5-21-15
Quotes from the White House
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
How did the "Keep off the Grass" sign get there in the first place?
Congressional Debates
Most people generally fart between 10 to 20 times a day; expelling enough gas to inflate a small balloon.
According to a recent survey, over 10% of Americans have picked someone else’s nose.
Senate Qualifications
We are the first who played video games, the last to record songs off the radio onto a cassette tape.
We are the generation of Tom & Jerry, Looney Toon’s, and Captain Kangaroo.

 

by ajsandiego
8-20-15
Explaining a double relative
Who is that person that came with you?
That is my Great Uncle.
Why is he with your grandmother?
Because he is my Step-Grandfather.
How can one person be two relatives?
Easy, both are grand people and there's only one step between them.

 

by ajsandiego
8-20-15
This is a Fox/Not Fox Special Report
We are coming to you live from "Is this really my hair" Salon
omg, does my hair really turn heads when I walk by.
Kim, I heard that you got your license suspended for driving men crazy?
Yes, Mr. Cute Dumb No Name Reporter, It's my new hairstyle, it's flawless.
But we have it on camera that the heads were turning away from you, not towards you.
That's ok, I can't tell the difference, cause one eye goes left, the other eye goes right.

 

by ajsandiego
8-22-15
Stealing, shooting, and killing
You're driving a stolen vehicle?
Yes, because I can't afford my own car.
I'm still waiting for the registration, do you know where it's at?
In the gliove box, next to the gun I'm hiding.
Strip 3 Next
There's a gun in the glove box?
Yes, that's where I hid it after I shot and killed the owner.

 

by ajsandiego
8-22-15
Speeding, DUI's, No License
I pulled you over for speeding, may I see your driver's license?
I don't have one.
Why don't you have a license?
Because it was suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Strip 2 Next
Are you the owner, and may I see the registration?
I don't have it because it's not my car, I stole it.

 

by ajsandiego
8-22-15
stuffing, dead bodies, trunk
What did you do with the dead body?
I stuffed her in the trunk.
There's a body in the TRUNK?!?!?
Yes sir.
Part 2 Next
Stay there and don't do anything while I call my Captain.
Whatever you say, officer, you know best.

 

by ajsandiego
8-28-15
License, DUI's, and tickets
Sir, may I see your license?
No problem, here it is.
Is this your current address?
Yes Sir.
Strip 2 Next
Any previous tickets or citations?
No sir, my record is perfectly clean.

 

by ajsandiego
8-28-15
stealing, stuffing, concealing
May I see the owner's registration?
No problem, it's in the glove box.
Do you have any weapons in the glove box?
No sir, here's my registration, see I'm the owner.
Strip 3 Next
Would you mind opening the trunk? I need to check for a body.
No problem, see no dead body.

 

by ajsandiego
8-28-15
Captain, Officer, and Driver
I don't understand it, my officer gave me a different story.
Really, what did he tell you?
That you had no license, stolen a car, hid a gun after shooting, killing, and stuffing the dead body in the trunk.
It's a shame when something like that tells so many lies and you probably believed him.
Yes I did, that's why we I came with extra officers.
I'll even bet that lying sucker told you I was speeding, too.

 

by ajsandiego
11-20-17
Why should I let you off parole early?
Because I don't eat poppy seed bagels.
HOW TO ANNOY YOUR PROBATION OFFICER
What kind of stupid excuse it that?
I love eating them but it makes me test positive for drugs.
By wanting to stay clean should be proof that I should be released from parole early.
You're so insane, I'm adding three more months on your probation.

 

by ajsandiego
3-03-18
TELL ME YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
Drug test those who would ask for food.
But they were hungry.
MATTHEW 25:35-45: TRULY I TELL YOU
Oil for us is more important than water.
But they were thirsty
THAT WHATEVER YOU DID TO THEM YOU DID TO ME, CASE CLOSED.
Take away their health care.
But they were sick.

 

by ajsandiego
4-13-18
Late for Work
Me: I was late for work today because I over slept and my car wouldn’t start
Trump: OK
Late from Lunch
Me: Then at lunch they made my sandwich wrong and I had to wait.
Trump: Hmm! I See
Late Calling In
Me: Then on the way home, my phone went dead, just as I picked up a call
Trump: Sorry about that.

 

by ajsandiego
4-13-18
Me: How did all this happen in one day?
Trump: There was a muslim terrorist attack on the same road that you would have been on, so I let you sleep late and stopped your car from starting to keep you from being killed
My plan is always better than your plan
Me: OH, I feel ashamed, but what about lunch.
Trump: The person who made you sandwich was sick and didn’t have health insurance, and I couldn't let you lose work.
Trump: I am the Leader of the World.
Me: Sorry for doubting you, but what about my phone?
Trump: The phone went dead because your Apple phone was made in China and the Dem’s were trying to call you with alternate facts and fake news.

 

by ajsandiego
4-23-18
ME: Bad Sloto, Bad, Bad
Sloto: Gimme, Gimme, Gimme
ME: No Sloto, I'm not giving you cash
Sloto: Gimme, Gimme, Gimme
Sloto just rolls over and plays dead
ME: SLOTO SIT, SLOTO ROLL OVER, SLOTO SPIN
Sloto: Gimme, gimme, gimme.

 

by ajsandiego
10-04-19
FORD &D BUSH
WHAT DO WE DO?
MAN THE LIFEBOATS!
REAGAN & CARTER
WHAT LIFEBOATS?
WOMEN FIRST!
NIXON & CLINTON
SCREW THE WOMEN!
YOU THINK WE HAVE TIME?

 

by ajsandiego
10-26-19
Trump and the Ukranian President
I need for you to do me a favor
What is it?
Discussing quid pro quo politics
You have to sing the Theme song from the Celebrity Apprentice
You mean that stupid program that you make people act stupid.
Trump praises himself while the Ukranian President Sings
The program was the greatest, and you are the stupid one, now sing it.
"Money money money money'

 

by ajsandiego
9-10-22
We have the money you stole from the bank.
Half that money belongs to me.
It belongs to the bank.
No, it's my money give it back
It's part of a criminal investigation now.
I want a Special Master to decide.

 

by ajsandiego
8-28-24
Denied
Gabriel:What good deed did you do today?
Biden: I saved a lady from falling off a bridge.
Denied
Gabriel:What good deed did you do today?
Obama: I saved a lady from falling off a bridge.
Welcome
Gabriel:What good deed did you do today?
Trump: I pushed a woman over a bridge to reduce our carbon footprint.

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