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Our hero speaks to the head of a movie studio.
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| Listen, I heard you're casting Keanu Reeves as the lead in the new Constantine movie. Why did you cast my least-favorite actor as my favorite comic book character? | |
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| You see Charles, it's all part of our plan to destroy everything you love. | |
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| You know how you can't enjoy lesbians anymore because of Kissing Jessica Stein? That was us. | |
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| And think of all the other books you enjoyed that were made into shitty movies: Battlefield Earth, Day of the Jackal, John Steakley's VAMPIRE$. We did those, too. | |
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| Well, congratulations. Your efforts to defile all the good things in my life have been very thorough. | |
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| Could we have your mother's address? We'd like to rape her to death with a meathook. | |
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