All comics by gomijin

 

The Downsides of Having a Relationship with Jesus. by gomijin 10-06-01
Da-amn! Baby, that ass looks like someone done stuffed two fine Christmas hams in some jeans!	Aw, come on Jesus! I was just looking. I am still a man. It don't mean I love you any less... Were you checking her out? You were just checking her out! Oh, god! Why don't you just fuck her and get it over with?	Jesus just loves you so much sometimes it hurts to think you could like anybody else... Come on now, Jesus, don't be like that. Come on...who's my honeybunny huh? Who is it? Is it you? Aw, Jesus, please? Take me home. I'm not in the mood to have fun anymore. You ruined it. You ruined everything!

 

Cultural acceptance makes life beautiful! by gomijin 10-06-01
I wuv evewybody! I too, wuv everybody!	Despite being fwom diffewent cultuwes, we have leawned to accept each other for who we awe! And to wuv each other for our diffewences, not hate!	God, I'm so fucking miserable I could puke. If I wasn't dwunk wight now I swear I'd hang myself with own pigtails.

 

Existentialist vomiting. by gomijin 10-06-01
Well...I was just thinking. If God is really all good, all powerful, and all knowing, why is there evil? I mean... Hello, Suzy. God be with you. I can tell you are troubled, young one. Come, speak with me. I will put your heart at ease.	He knows everything so he obviously knows evil exists. And he can do anything he wants, so it's not like he can't stop it. And he wants to stop it, right? Because God is pure good. So why is it there?	Look, I'm pinned to a fucking cross here, okay? Cut me some fucking slack.

 

Cruci-fix-it-upper by gomijin 10-06-01
Jesus? Why does God make bad people, if he already knows they're gonna be bad and go to hell forever and ever? It's all very simple, Suzy. He makes....OH MY GOD LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!	Ahh! What?! What is it?!	Nothing's there.... Oh, fuck! I forgot I was nailed to this thing.

 

Atmospherical phenomonaoanoanoamaona by gomijin 10-06-01
Jesus, why does God let Daddy hit Mommy? Why doesn't he just make him love her and be nice? ....	Dammit, why can't you just act like a little girl? Ask little girl questions! Like why is Janey prettier than me, or why is the sky blue?!	Why IS the sky blue? Because....because...oh fuck you.

 

Post Jackie Chan Confidence by gomijin 10-06-01
Ha ha! My kung fu is the best! And so I challenge you! Fool! Your Straddling Eagle Kick is no match for my Wasted Mantis! Destruction comes at your head! Ha!	Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!	Ow! Dude! That really hurt!

 

Indy filmbuff poser emokids must die. by gomijin 10-06-01
John Cusack runs into David Arquette on the Sidewalk ...So in my new movie I skateboard while dating Julia Roberts and making pop culture references so obscure I had to actually make up half of them!	Then in the next one I work at a movie theatre while dating Sandra Bullock. Here's the kicker though, I only speak in references to silent movies made in Prague during the 1940's!	I'm also in discussions for a film consisting of nothing but random flashes of me going to the bathroom. We're trying to get Jennifer Lopez to co-star. In my next one I play a guy who tries to teach people to call people collect. It's got that guy from Milli Vanilli? You know, the one that lived?

 

Why Judd Nelson? Because I love you. by gomijin 10-06-01
John Cusack runs into Judd Nelson while shooting.... I just finished work on 'Busted Animals.' I play a post-hippie gen-x upwardly mobile paradigm of a neo-impressionistic kafka-esque yuppie stock investor with schizophrenia.	Drew Barrymore plays the voice in my head.	Dude, what the fuck happened to you?

 

Pop Culture Club. by gomijin 10-06-01
John Cusack meets Kevin Spacey one day... In my next movie I play the soul of a dog played by Ben Affleck who attempts to solve the meaning of life by challenging Jesus to an air hockey game in limbo. We got Cameron Diaz to play Jesus.	Really? In my next movie I play the devil's sphincter, reincarnated as an unhappy everyday American just trying to do his job. Throughout the movie I turn into a flaming pile of shit randomly.	.........wow. Yeah, that one kinda took me off guard too.

 

Life's work. by gomijin 10-06-01
[Program Initiated]	[Executing Prime Protocol: Device 5:4:Active. 3.4t. Executing...]	Did you just grab my ass? [Program Complete.]

 

Germans, man, Germans.... by gomijin 10-07-01
I am a nihilist. I believe in nothing! Yah, he believes in nothing! Just you watch, yah?	Do you believe in life after love? No!	You see? You see how he believes in nothing!? Yah, absolutely nothing!

 

Ich bein ein en frankensteinen by gomijin 10-07-01
I am a sad clown, yah? The irony is lost on you swine. Yah, lost on the swine hah?	Because clowns, they are usually the happy jokesters! But he is sad!	You see, the irony is what you do not deserve! It is time for us to dance the dance of fools now, yah?

 

What the fuck is wrong with German people. by gomijin 10-07-01
When we were being the Nazi's, I think we were more respected, yah? We were evil, sure, but some dignity was ours. Yah, now we are not so much the evil as we are the confusing and goofy stereotypes, yah?	Yah...	I like to eat the feces of bastard children. You see, that kind of thing is why we are not having the respect.

 

Neurotic Jewish Bushes. by gomijin 10-07-01
Moses! God wants to have a word with you! Maybe we take a little ride to see him, eh?	..no, no, that's not it....Moses! Mosey! Mose! Mo! M! Whassup, dawg, God's got something to tell ya!...no...hmm...	Oi! Moses! Pick up yer bleedin' ears, wot? God's got a word for ya, bloke, 'e sez ye oughta go an' bloody see 'im, bugger it all!..................where the hell did that come from?

 

Sucks to be Jew. by gomijin 10-07-01
Hey! You! Me?	Yeah, you. God says you gotta deliver message to your people and then spend forty years in a desert or get crucified or something. So...yeah, go do that.	Well, fuck!

 

Doubts. by gomijin 10-07-01
		Maybe Judaism wasn't the way to go...

 

The inherent psychological damage incurred by oversimplifyin by gomijin 10-08-01
Eeeeeeeeeyaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!! O GOD O GOD O GOD GOD GOD O GODOGODOGODOGODOGOD OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!	THIS IS THE WORST PAIN IN THE HISTORY OF PAIN! HOLY SHIT SOMEBODY KILL ME!!!!!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I PRAY FOR DEATH!!!!!!!!! AAAAA!! AAAAAA!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!	.......Well, that's the last time I try THAT.

 

to be or...FUCK, this is a question! Jesus! Fuck! by gomijin 3-06-02
Nicolas Cage in Hamlet... Okay, top 5 things causing my insanity: Number one would have to be my mom, like, taking up with my uncle right after my father DIES! I mean, I thought this was England not the friggin...ozarks! MAN!	Then, okay, number 2, I gotta go with my father being murdered. Which, to make things even more complicated was done by my uncle. What an A-HOLE! That counts for 2? Okay, that's numbers 2 and 3 then.	Then I gotta give number 4 to my homeslice yorrick bein a fuckin skull, man! that's fucked up! and number 5 with a bullet? nobody digs my play that exposes my father's murderer, 2 1/2 stars? fuck! Mr. Cage? This isn't Hamlet. This isn't even a play, you got up before The Little Mermaid started and began ranting. And urinating yourself. You're fucking crazy. You're under arrest.

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