All comics by jeffisanirish

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by jeffisanirish
3-22-03
it begins...
i hope she does not intend to melt me.
and so I told her...
!!!TENSION!!!
...it ends!
oh my...
that's not my mother... that's my chewing-gum sandwich!!!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-22-03
it begins...
WELL NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!!
I'm sorry. I won't kill any more old ladies with hammers.
!!!TENSION!!!
damned humans are so illogical
i am so in love with him!
...it ends
Well these accomodations are simply lovely.
Together forever!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-22-03
it begins...
So jesus... how can I get Leslie to like me?
!!!TENSION!!!
My son... you must find the clitoris.
...it ends
Hey Leslie. I like your beard.
I love you!!!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-22-03
Hey Dad, Leslie and I are going out now.
Do not let her know of your true alien identity.
Of course father... I wouldn never betray the Prime Imperative.
That is good to know, son.
Hell man, I'd do ANYTHING to get some play...
You want some fried Zooblars for dinners?

 

by jeffisanirish
3-22-03
it begins...
Hey dude, me and Leslie are going out now!
Hey man, way to go!
!!!TENSION!!!
Wait... I thought you liked her though...
Nah man, that was a long time ago, oh yeah, a long time!
...it ends
life is no longer worth living...

 

by jeffisanirish
3-22-03
My best friend... and the girl I love together... I do not wish to go on...
I must end my life now... and yet I feel it might be against my religion... I should ask the Lord first.
My son... you must find the clitoris.
BUT OF COURSE!!!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-22-03
Monday- He sends the letter.
Well, maybe this sappy love letter will make Leslie care for me...
Tuesday- He gets the response.
Dear Sir: I am sorry, but I cannot read your handwriting. Please rewrite the letter and send it again- Legibly, Please. Thank you, Leslie.
The rest of the week- The result.
I am worthless.

 

by jeffisanirish
3-23-03
It begins...
Thank you for bailing me out of jail! How can I repay you!
Actually, I need you to kill someone for me, because he is going out with the girl I love.
!!!TENSION!!!
Damned humans are so illogical..
I think he might go for it...
...it ends
FINE!!! I'LL DO ANYTHING TO GET AWAY FROM THAT GIRL!!!
Huzzah!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-23-03
Sorry guys...
The makers of unsettled mind would like to apologize for the stupid-ass mistake we made in posting two "#7"'s. So here's your reward... MINDLESS WAR CLIPS!!!
yay!!
Wow, this war sure is great for the youth of America!
I detected sarcasm. You'll need to answer this questionairre to prove your patriotism.
joy!!
I love war!
I love war too... I also love little boys...

 

by jeffisanirish
3-23-03
it begins...
I'm sure no one is after me, trying to kill me...
You're right, no one is after you, trying to kill you! Except me!
TENSION!!!
That's good to know!!
Damned humans are so illogical...
it ends...
Hey! Wait a minute!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-24-03
it begins...
Hey, robot who is following me, I think someone is following you too!
Huh?
!!!TENSION!!!
Damned humans are so illogical...
Hi!!!
...it ends
I can't believe they let you out of jail!
I can believe it!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-24-03
With the robot killing Mike, I'll be sure to win Leslie's heart...
Nothing can ruin my plans now!
I QUIT YOU DAMNED ILLOGICAL HUMAN!!!
Even the best laid plans of mice and men...

 

by jeffisanirish
3-24-03
it begins...
The little girl got out of jail too!
But I thought she was your lover!
!!!TENSION!!!
Damned humans are so illogical...
Man, I done FUCKED UP!!!
...it ends
Well, you better figure out a new way to get rid of that guy, because as I said in the last comic, I QUIT!!!
Hmm...

 

by jeffisanirish
3-24-03
gah!
HAHAHAHA!!! I'm gonna kill you, DAMN HIPPIE!!!
Hey man, peace and love!
pssh!
HAHAHAHA!!! I'm gonna kill you, DAMN HIPPIE!!!
Hey man, peace and love!
argh!
HAHAHAHA!!! I'm gonna kill you, DAMN HIPPIE!!!
Hey man... crack.

 

by jeffisanirish
3-24-03
it begins...
You know, since this is the 13th comic, something bad is going to happen...
Well, it's really the 15th comic if you count all of them...
!!!TENSION!!!
Well, you know what I mean.
AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
it begins...
I told you so!!!
I'm dead

 

by jeffisanirish
3-24-03
it begins...
I'm a dog on a ball! I'm here to make you happy!
No. I am suicidal.
!!!TENSION!!!
But I'm so cute!
I hate life.
...it ends
But all you need to do is find the clitoris!
OH YEAH!!!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-24-03
it begins...
Jesus, what is the clitoris?
It is the center of the female sexual pleasure.
!!!TENSION!!!
I don't get it.
You must find it.
...it ends
Umm...
Just do it!!!!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-24-03
it begins...
Are you the clitoris?
No, I am a little asian girl. On crack.
!!!TENSION!!!
Are you the clitoris?
No, I am a clown. On crack.
...it ends
Are you the clitoris?
Yes, I am the clitoris!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-24-03
it begins...
JESUS! I FOUND THE CLITORIS!!!
No. You found a rocket. It is not the clitoris.
!!!TENSION!!!
Aw man, I just don't understand the ladies!!!
Man, what a square!
it begins...
JESUS! I FOUND THE CLITORIS!!!
No. You found a rocket. It is not the clitoris.

 

by jeffisanirish
3-24-03
Sorry.
Well, we did it again. Here's your reward- little girls flashing their panties!
oh yeah!
oh yeah!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-24-03
Jesus... can you just tell me WHERE I can find the clitoris?
Damn it, do I have to tell you everything? IN THE PANTS!!! TEH PANTS!!!
OOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!
Yeah. Idiot.
Um, what are you doing INSIDE MY PANTS?!!?!?!?!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-24-03
it begins...
Wow... Jesus let me down majorly. Now not only does Leslie hate me, but she might sue me for sexual harassment...
!!!TENSION!!!
Maybe I should kill Jesus. But he'd just come back in a few days...
...it ends
Fucking son of God!!!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-24-03
it begins...
I guess I need to tell the world Mike's horrible secret...
!!!TENSION!!!
It would ruin his life, and he is my best friend...
...it ends
I'm gonna hate myself after, but I'm gonna love doing it!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-24-03
The secret is out!
THIS JUST IN!!! MIKE JONES IS AN ALIEN!!! WE HAVE CONFIRMED THIS ANONYMOUS TIP JUST RECENTLY...
and I thought that kid was just a nerd!
THE GOVERNMENT HAS NOT YET RELEASED A STATEMENT ON WHAT THEY INTEND TO DO ABOUT THE ALIEN INFESTATION...
This is almost enough to keep me from switching the channel to porn and jerking off all night... almost.
WE GO NOW TO THE LIVE CAMERAS TAPING THE ANGRY MOB OUTSIDE MIKE JONES' HOUSE...
Dad is gonna kill me when he gets home...

 

by jeffisanirish
3-24-03
WE SUCK SO BAD!!!
Now you may ask yourself... "How could they be so dumb as to not only repeat the comic number, but to go back one and THEN repeat it?" Well, the truth is, we don't know.
Here's your reward- NOTHING!!!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-24-03
The Unsettled Mind series is over. It sucked too much to continue. Just pretend it all had a happy ending.
WELL FUCK YOU TOO!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-24-03
Jeff is the blonde guy. Ady is the monkey.
Hey man, we need some money so we can be blinging!
Well, let's become super pimps then!
But dude, we have no sexy women who are willing to screw random guys for money...
Dude, thats harsh...
You shouldn't sell your sister short like that!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-24-03
Jeff is on the search for hoes.
I wanna be a hoe, yo!
You can't be serious. The idea of a woman your age being sexually active is repulsive.
I'm such a slut, I got herpes, AIDS, Alzheimers, and gonorrhea!
EEEEEEEEEEWWW!!!
Wait... what was I talking about?
Nothing, absolutely nothing. I promise. Please go away now.

 

by jeffisanirish
3-24-03
Ady is learning the art of Pimping.
Excuse me sir, can you teach me to be a pimp?
Blizzle fo shizzle on the dizzle, mah nizzle!
I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
Grizzle izzle pizzle, sizzle my wizzle!
?
Fo shizzle!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-24-03
Hey man, what did we learn today?
I learned that being a gentleman of leisure isn't quite so leisurely an occupation. I mean, you have to learn a whole new language!
I learned that slutty old ladies are gross.
Yeah, my grandma is pretty disgusting...
So you wanna go get some pizza?
Ok man.

 

by jeffisanirish
3-24-03
Jeff is the blonde guy. Ady is the monkey.
Hey dude, meeting that black guy in the last comic made me think. We really don't know much about them.
You're right. We should investigate the mysterious culture of these negroes.
I mean, we didn't even speak the same language.
Well, where do we start looking for them?
I think my sister's best friend's ex-boyfriend's cousin knows a black guy...
This might be hard, given that we live in the suburbs.

 

by jeffisanirish
3-24-03
Jeff investigates the mysterious culture of the Negro.
Hello, my name is Jeff and I am investigating the mysterious culture of the Negro!
What the fuck is this honky talking about?
First question: Do you speak English?
What the fuck is this honky talking about?

 

by jeffisanirish
3-25-03
Ady is on the hunt for black people.
Excuse me, are you a Negro?
No. I am an Oriental.
Excuse me, are you a Negro?
No. I am an Arab.
WHERE HAVE ALL THE NEGROES GONE!?!?!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-25-03
Jeff is still interviewing the only black guy in town.
Do you play basketball? Do you like fried chicken? Do you have a gun? Did you drop out of school?
Man, this honky is getting on my nerves...
Do you like watermelon? Do you drink malt liquor? Do you deal drugs?
Man, get out my face or I'll shoot you with my GAT!
AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
Stupid honkys fall for that every time...

 

by jeffisanirish
3-25-03
So dude, what did we learn today?
I learned that there are no Negroes in the suburbs, but pretty much everyone else lives there.
(It's called "gentrification")
I learned that Negroes are inherently violent people.
Yes, we should protect ourselves and secretly pressure them into moving into separate housing areas.
Seriously though folks. We love black people.
So, you wanna go to a diner?
OK man.

 

by jeffisanirish
3-26-03
Jeff is the blonde guy. Ady is the monkey.
Hey man, we still don't have any money. Whatever can we do?
I don't know... maybe we could go look for a job.
No man, that's just illogical.
Well, I guess we could start dealing drugs.
Hey, given our past record, what could possibly go wrong?
Not a thing, my friend!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-26-03
Jeff consults his wise father.
Hey dad, me and Ady are going to start dealing drugs. That OK with you?
Well son, if you're going to be "dealing drugs" I think it's time we had "the talk".
Um... dad, "dealing drugs" is not a slang term for having sex. "Dealing drugs" is a slang term for "dealing drugs".
Oh son, you should be comfortable talking about these things with me. If you and this little lady want to "deal" your "drugs", then it's my responsiblity to teach you how to do it safely.
Dad, Ady is not a "little lady"! He's my friend, you've seen him before!
Oh, that Ady, eh? Great job son, she's a looker!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-26-03
Ady is looking to buy some drugs to start the Jeff and Ady Drug Dealing Cartel(tm).
Hey kid, do you know where I can buy some drugs?
Drugs are bad! I'm going to tell my mommy on you, you evil, smelly stoner-monkey!
Hey priest man, do you know where I can buy some drugs?
That would violate my vow of silence. I cannot tell you where I buy my quaaludes.
WHERE HAVE ALL THE ILLEGAL NARCOTICS GONE!?!?!?!
Follow me!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-26-03
The cop is showing Ady where to find the drugs.
So... theres lots of drugs at the Police station?
That's right, son. The war on drugs is going strong, and we have mountains of illegal drugs in here. It's great fun, we get a young girl on Saturday nights, get her hopped up...
Woah! A banana!
Uh oh kid, that's what we call a "special banana" and I don't mean the chief's wang!
Aw shit! I be fucked up yo!
Hahaha... yorks.

 

by jeffisanirish
3-26-03
Jeff learns the joy of father-son time.
I wonder when he's going to shut up...
Now when I was your age, your mother and I blah blah blah... something you never wanted to hear about your parents... EVER... blah blah blah
I'm hungry. Maybe I can make a run for it.
Now son, the female body is a delicate thing, it's like art, except you're allowed to touch it... IF she says it's OK! blah blah blah!
CAN'T CATCH MEEEEE!!!
Now son, I'm going to demonstrate how to use a condom on this frozen popsicle...

 

by jeffisanirish
3-28-03
So dude, what did we learn today?
I think I might be God.
Ady is fucked up, yo!
Dude?
I know EVERYTHING!!!
Shnarf?
Now I can kill with impunity, just like I dreamed of as a boy!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-28-03
Jeff is the blonde guy. Ady took the day off.
So dude, what do you want to do today?
Jeff's world is suddenly turned upside down.
D-d-dude?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

 

by jeffisanirish
3-28-03
Jeff is on the hunt for new friends.
Without Ady around, I have no one to chill with.
You should find someone else to hang out with.
Like who?
Well, maybe me?
Nah man, that's OK. In fact, I should do homework, or something...

 

by jeffisanirish
3-29-03
Jeff is bothered by Nerd.
Seriously, what's so bad about me that you won't be my friend?
Well, you're totally boring. Look at you, you're totally two-dimensional.
Two-dimensional? Look at yourself! You're as much of a cartoon as I am!
Well... I'm slightly more detailed. For example- I have hair.
Well excuse my premature baldness!
Another reason I wouldn't hang out with you. Might be contagious.

 

by jeffisanirish
3-29-03
Jeff tries his hand at stand-up comedy.
And so I told him... MASKS ARE FOR SQUARES!!!
Damn, that was a good one, why doesn't anyone laugh?
Oh shit.

 

by jeffisanirish
3-30-03
Jeff is lonely and depressed.
BOO HOO! WITHOUT ADY, I AM TOTALLY NOT FUNNY!!!
IF ONLY HE WOULD SUDDENLY AND INEXPLICABLY COME BACK!!!
Hey man.
YAY!!! Where were you?

 

by jeffisanirish
3-30-03
Ady tells us the story of Ady's day off...
Oh Ady, you are so sexy! Feel my silky hair!
I'll feel more than that, bitch!
Ohhh! OOOOOH!!
*fondle fondle fondle*
I WONDER WHAT HE'S GOING TO DO WITH THAT BANANA!
Oh Ady, that was amazing!
You ain't seen nothin yet!

 

by jeffisanirish
4-01-03
Ady is the monkey. {Insert cock joke here.}
Hey man, that Jeff kid is such a square!
Yes, you are right!
I only hang out with him for the head!
Oh yeah, he's such a slut!
Oh wait... I never said that!
I am so gonna hold out on you.

 

by jeffisanirish
4-01-03
So dude, what did we learn today?
I learned that women are useful only as sex objects.
I learned that I'm not a funny character at all. And that you are a bastard only using me for the head.
And what's wrong with that?
Absolutely nothing. Let's go get some Chinese.
Ching chong wong!

 

by jeffisanirish
4-01-03
Jeff is the blonde guy. Ady is the monkey.
So dude, here we are in Driver's Education.
About to be Driver's Educated.
Yeah, that's what we do in Driver's Ed.
That's why I said it.
I have a feeling this plot isn't going to go anywhere.
Unless we suddenly introduce a new, zany character!

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