All comics by kaiobrien

 

by kaiobrien
8-26-05
I've prepared a water conservation plan for the wedding
I've maneuvered the telecommunications satellite into the correct orbit
We want everything to be perfect

 

by kaiobrien
9-22-05
You see in this country we get to choose from two possible leaders
Whereas in your country you have no choice
But in both countries, leaders do whatever the fuck they want

 

by kaiobrien
9-23-05
In tonights main stories, the earth's oil resources have just been exhausted
And we have also used up all of the planet's water
How're we supposed to live without oil?

 

by kaiobrien
9-29-05
Dad, I've spoken to the doctor about your heart.
Please Dad, you've got to be careful. I'm worried that if you have another stroke...
You might not be able to take care of me anymore

 

by kaiobrien
9-30-05
Son, your mother and I think it's time you started paying rent.
Ha! To live with your parents? You guys should pay me!
Well, in a way we already do. We wash your clothes, cook your food, pay the bills...
Dad, you're starting one of your boring lectures that doesn't make any sense again.
I'm going to have to put you in an old peoples home one of these days.

 

by kaiobrien
10-12-05
Dad, can I borrow 50 bucks?
Do you mean can you GIVE me 50 bucks?
NO, I said can I BORROW 50 bucks. Why don't you turn up your hearing aid deafhead
Well you've never paid me back before... all right, here you go
You're so rude to me Dad. You can't expect me to pay you back when you're so rude to me

 

by kaiobrien
10-15-05
Couldn't we make love for a change?
Make love, not war?
I don't like the sound of that

 

by kaiobrien
10-17-05
The mother shall have the right to complain
Will you turn that music down!
But mum, if I turn it down any lower I won't be able to hear it!
If I can hear it, it's too loud.

 

by kaiobrien
10-19-05
Dr Kai, how will having a baby change my wife?
Well, every woman has a "sanity" cord, which snaps during childbirth
That's why prior to motherhood, most women you know are normal
While every mother you know is a complete psychopath

 

by kaiobrien
10-19-05
Dr Kai, are you a real doctor?
Of course.
I don't believe you. Where's your qualifications?
Your question will have to wait. I've got to do a brain transplant.

 

Dr Kai, why were you fondling my breasts?
I was checking for cancer. Why did you kick me in the balls?
by kaiobrien, 10-19-05

 

by kaiobrien
10-19-05
Dr Kai, why did you become a doctor?
Oh, I didn't want to be a doctor. It's just with my brains it'd be criminal to do anything else.
What did you want to be?
A criminal.

 

by kaiobrien
10-20-05
The mother shall have the right to tidy up
Mum, where did you put my notepad?
I tidied it up.
But I had a solution to the Middle East conflict written down and now I can't remember it!
Well you shouldn't have left it lying around.

 

Question one, was your ex-girlfriend: (a) really nice (b) very smart or (c) a fat, ugly, stupid slut and all-round bad person?
by kaiobrien, 10-26-05

 

by kaiobrien
10-26-05
You know you're just like your mother
That's not true
My mother would slap you across the face for saying that
Whereas I'm just not going to have sex with you for a month

 

by kaiobrien
10-26-05
Question two, do you love me?
Umm... yes.
Correct. Next question. Have you ever wanted to have sex with another woman?
Umm...
BZZZZ out of time. The correct answer was "of course not darling"

 

by kaiobrien
10-26-05
What do you want for your birthday?
I want you to get a proper job, get along better with my parents and learn to drive.
Oh and stop asking me what I want all the time - you're so pathetic.

 

by kaiobrien
10-26-05
Why don't you just find a new boyfriend? I'm never going to be of any use to you.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Haven't you heard the Chinese proverb - "even a piece of shit can fertilise the ground"

 

by kaiobrien
11-03-05
My girlfriend is pretty low-maintenance...
As long as I do everything she wants, she doesn't give me too much trouble

 

by kaiobrien
11-21-05
It's a boy!
Oh, thank you. I'm so proud.
And our genetic test indicates he's probably gay!

 

by kaiobrien
11-21-05
How was your first day of school, son?
First day?
You mean I've got to come back here again?

 

by kaiobrien
11-21-05
Now that you're 18, you can do whatever you want.
I want to die. I didn't ask to be born.
Very well. But you're gonna have to pay for it yourself and that means getting a job.

 

by kaiobrien
11-21-05
Reflecting on the deceased, I am reminded of the quote:
"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"

 

by kaiobrien
11-24-05
Question 1, to try to pick someone up in a bar is to make a "what" at someone?
Pass
Pass
Congratulations girls, you are both correct.

 

by kaiobrien
11-24-05
Question 2, in the game of Bridge, what do players say when they are unable to enter a bid?
Pass
Pass
Well done girls, you are both correct.

 

It sickens me that you walk around wearing fur
by kaiobrien, 12-13-05

 

Eating animals is wrong, OK?
by kaiobrien, 12-13-05

 

by kaiobrien
1-26-06
Hey man, could you spare a dollar?
Of course, I'm middle-class - I have a disposable income
Well, can I have the dollar
Nah, I'm gonna buy some of that gum I don't like and throw it away

 

by kaiobrien
1-26-06
Save the trees!
Hey tree hugger, what's your house made out of?
Bricks
And?
Wood
I thought so...

 

by kaiobrien
1-26-06
Charity comes from the heart
No one can force you to part with your money
Thank God!

 

How can we ever thank you for liberating our people?
It's all in a day's work
by kaiobrien, 1-28-06

 

by kaiobrien
1-29-06
Hey you! Little boy! Get down from that tree!
How dare you steal my apples? I must speak to your father.
Hey Dad!
Come down from the tree. Some lady wants to talk to you.

 

by kaiobrien
2-06-06
You lose the war. Go to the war crimes tribunal.
But I didn't do anything you didn't do!
Go DIRECTLY to the war crimes tribunal.
Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

 

by kaiobrien
2-06-06
You have committed genocide. Lose a turn.
Only one turn?
Yeah, I want you to keep landing on my property.

 

Your city has been captured. You lose 100,000 civilians.
Ohhh, not again!
by kaiobrien, 2-06-06

 

by kaiobrien
2-11-06
Miss, how bad was Saddam Hussein?
That's a tricky one Billy.
You see, he was so bad we had to overthrow him.
But not so bad we shouldn't do business.

 

by kaiobrien
2-11-06
Did you learn anything new in school today?
Yeah, we learned that bad people give money to the powerful to earn favours. And that's called "corruption".
Corruption is an ugly word Billy.
Here we call it political donation.

 

by kaiobrien
2-13-06
Join me and together we will rule the galaxy!
I mean Australia....

 

by kaiobrien
3-04-06
Your very existence causes environmental degradation.
So if you really want to help out, you should kill yourself.

 

by kaiobrien
6-10-07
Iran & UK
We're going to nationalize our oil
You CAN'T HAVE IT!
US & Iran
We'll take it
YOU can't have it either!
UK & US
See they're totally unreasonable
Yeah, lets overthrow the government

 

by kaiobrien
6-06-12
What's the matter little girl, did you lose your mum and dad?
No...
I lost my car.

 

by kaiobrien
6-10-12
Who am I?
What year is it?
Where did I park my car this time?

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