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| Scientist Erich von Stroheim announced today the invention of a time machine. He says he will use it for humanitarian purposes, rather than personal gain. | |
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| I will fight famine in the past by sending food to times of need. We already have time-lifted one sponsor's product to medieval Europe. | |
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| Coming up next, the surprising discovery of a 600 year-old time capsule in France containing a note from Joan of Arc's captors thanking the Stay Puft Marshmallow company. | |
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