All comics by kurtka

 

Right on the head by kurtka 12-11-11
It happened again. Did you read the instructions, like I told you to?	Yeah. Step 4 kinda freaked me out, but I followed it anyway. What did it say?	"Hold the nail and hit it on the head." How that was supposed to get it into the wall, I have no idea... Hey, Tom! Do we have a hammer that faces the other direction? That might solve a problem we're having down here.

 

A Long Way from Baghdad by kurtka 12-12-11
Arabs complain about Americans stereotyping them, but I think Arabs are worse. What do you mean?	Well, you think we're all decadent and stupid, but that's not true. It's just the worst of us who get all the press. Well, I don't think that way.	But I can bring this up to you because you're not like other Arabs. I'll say. I'm from Pakistan.

 

Much Ado about Urdu by kurtka 12-12-11
Okay, so how are Pakistanis different from other Arabs? To start with, we're not Arabs. That's kind of a big difference there.	But you still do fatwas and stuff, right? Well, I don't.	Huh? Aren't you an ayatollah or something? Dude, I work in the same stereo store as you. Or is this just your way of telling me that you think you're the Pope?

 

Unconventional Chatter by kurtka 12-12-11
The convention's not as great as last year's, but at least it's a nice escape from "publish or perish", you know? I don't publish much. I'm more into the perish side.	I hear that. It doesn't seem like anyone has job security anymore. Where do you teach? My secret underground lair. They laughed at me, the fools! But they'll pay! I'll show them all! Muahahaha!	You're one of the more interesting people I've met at a linguists' convention, I have to admit. Ah! I thought this was the Northeastern Mad Science convention. At least that explains what Noam Chomsky is doing here.

 

Hooves on the Road by kurtka 12-12-11
Kerouac was okay, but I'm, like, so over that cat.	He pushed the envelope, but never far enough. Someone had to pick up where he left off, I guess.	YEAH!!!!! We now return to "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic", only on The Hub!

 

Hell of a Good Candy Bar by kurtka 12-12-11
Can I have another candy bar? Sorry, Baxter. I already have your soul.	What?! You sold your eternal soul for a candy bar? It was a *good* candy bar.	It *better* have been!

 

Funny as Hell by kurtka 12-13-11
So... About this eternal torment... Not again. Don't say it again.	When's it over? HAHAHAHAHA! Dammit! Every day for the past thirty years you've made that same stupid joke! And it's not getting any funnier!	Heh... Yeah... So, Satan--hot enough for ya? HAHAHAHA! The jokes are bad enough, but what I really can't stand is someone showing me how to do my job...

 

Personal Savior by kurtka 12-13-11
Say, Melvin--I notice you're the only one in this office without those sappy Christian posters hanging in his cubicle. Damn straight. I haven't set foot inside a church since I was 15, and I feel better about it every day.	Excellent! Because I need someone to come in and organize the file room on Sunday, and it looks like you're my personal savior! Dammit!	Of course, if you'd rather do something else, I've got some inspirational literature for you to mull over... *Sigh*... What time do I have to be here Sunday?

 

The Adventures of Young Bernie Madoff by kurtka 12-13-11
You're selling what, now? Bad advice. Only five bucks.	Five bucks for bad advice? Do you really think that's reasonable? Yep. And it's a great investment. Every dollar you spend on my bad advice will earn a 300% profit.	300%? That's a pretty impressive return. That'll be five bucks.

 

Wild Men, Wild Time by kurtka 12-14-11
Dave & Buster's is the most awesome place there is, am I right? I dunno. Arcade games, fried food... take away their liquor license and suddenly it seems kind of juvenile.	Juvenile? No way! Did you see how many prize tickets I won at Skeeball tonight? What little kid could possibly get that many? Yeah. And what little kid could possibly redeem them for a couple of Transformers dolls?	Action figures. They're called action figures. Uh-huh. Look, next time you want to come here, why don't we just sneak a hip flask into Chuck E. Cheese? We'll probably save a lot of money.

 

Chillin' wit' da Bronies by kurtka 12-14-11
Even though both Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy have pink manes, I think that as humans, Pinkie Pie would be a redhead and Fluttershy would be blonde. I can totally see that. I think Rainbow Dash would also be a blonde.	Yeah. Kind of a dirty blonde, though. Applejack, on the other hand, I think would be a redhead, even though she has a blonde mane. I disagree, though I see where you're coming from. She's sorta got that Pippi Longstocking thing going on.	You know, sometimes I think we might have actual girlfriends by now if we developed an interest in something other than "My Little Pony". Bite your tongue! Now Twilight and Rarity are definitely brunettes, though Rarity's kind of a lighter brown...

 

Mamma mia! It's caffè Americano! by kurtka 1-07-12
So, what do you think of my favorite bookstore? Not bad. That coffee bar up front is pretty good. They even have "small, medium, large" sizes instead of some weird pseudo-Italian terms.	Yeah, why do they do that? I guess it makes coffee seem more authentic or something.	"Authentic?" Coffee doesn't come from Europe, Brian. I know that. It comes from Italy. Why else would they use Italian?

 

Brian Fights Political Correctness by kurtka 1-07-12
Italy's in Europe, Brian! Tell me you knew that already! Okay, so I'm not politically correct enough to know obscure geography trivia. What's the big deal?	"Politically correct"? What does knowing geography have to do with your politics? Knowing and caring about foreign countries is for communists. Do I look like a communist to you?	I don't really know what a communist would look like, per se... Don't speak Spanish to me. I'm an American. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to see if they have Glenn Beck's new book in. Where's the "G" section?

 

Crazy from the Heat by kurtka 1-08-12
Hey, Denise--did I see you at Underground Books with Brian yesterday? Yeah. He's still looking for a copy of David Lee Roth's autobiography, so I took him there to help him out.	David Lee Roth has an autobiography out? He's sort of old news, isn't he? It came out in the 80s, I think. That's why we were looking through a used bookstore. It's a pretty hard one to find.	I wouldn't think such a book would be that difficult to track down. Brian was looking for one with the original naked-lady air freshener still in it. Because he's a true fan.

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