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| ...today on Today, Terrorism! Death! Destruction! Bin Laden! Saddam! Crazy people in London! Oh boy, are we scared! | |
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| The terror alert color thingy is at Orange! That's right, I said it! ORANGE! Drive-Bys! Cellphones cause cancer! Your kids are out having sex and shooting up right now! | |
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| Hurricanes! Tornadoes! Floods! Earthquakes! Volcanoes! Oh Lord, the Apocalypse is coming! | |
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| Morbid Obesity! Rabid Dogs! Dirty Video Games! Holy shit, I need a valium! | |
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| Whew. Ok Matt, what's next? | |
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| Hey Katie, check out the crowd outside our studio! All happy and shit! Totally oblivious to the fact that the world could end at any fucking minute! | |
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