All comics by sidwood

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
HEY DID YOU SEE THE APPRENTICE LAST NIGHT
Man you know I ain't got no TV
THE DONALD TOTALLY DISSED THIS ONE DUDE'S BUSINESS ACUMEN

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
So I'm thinking about getting one of those portable fire pits for my back porch
For real?
Yeah I'm gonna get like five different kinds of firewood so I can appreciate each one's distinct aroma
Yeah man
Dude I heard cedar logs totally smell like weed when burned
I uh... I don't think that's true

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
Hey bro can you do me a favor
Sure man what do you need
I'm meeting this fine girl tonight and I need to be prepared
Well you've come to the right place my friend
Do you have a Bolo tie I could wear
Man why the hell would I have a Bolo tie I thought you were talking about condoms

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
Do you ever wonder about life
That's a pretty broad question
I mean like the meaning of life
Sure I guess I do sometimes
I think the meaning of life is to memorize as many movie quotes as possible and say them aloud all the time
You really need to get out more

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
Me and the guys are going to Crunchy's later you wanna come
Not tonight dude I got a lotta work to get done
Come on man
No seriously I'm really behind on a lotta stuff
It's two dollar well drinks after 11 p.m.
Well enjoy your Popov vodka bombs then because I'm not going

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
Can I help you find something
Not really I'm just kind of browsing thanks
Okay just let us know if you need anything
Actually now that you mention it I'm trying to find a boyfriend who will love me for who I am and not get scared off by my many personal problems
I'm sorry I don't think we carry that item you can try Walgreens

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
Do you remember what we did last night my memory is a little fuzzy dude
Can't much help you there I was onconscious most of the evening
Jeez man do you usually drink to the point of blacking out
No I hardly had anything. You had the bartender make a drink for a girl at the bar and her boyfriend thought I bought it and beat the shit out of me
I'm... Wow I'm so sorry dude
It's okay... I incidentially have been sleeping with the girl for about three months but he doesn't know that

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
When I was your age I had to walk ten miles to and from school every day
Man you were my age in like the mid-70s
Yeah well we still had to walk ten miles just like I said
Bullshit dude they had buses and everything back then why you tryin' to make it sound worse than it really was
I grew up in South Africa
Oh

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
Look theres no point in arguing about this over and over
Nothing ever gets resolved and we just end up hurting each other
*sniff*
Just let me say that I can't convert to Christianity. I'm Jewish
Dude I WAS JEWISH, you so can

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
You seen my laundry detergent anywhere
Sorry dude can't say that I have
I been looking all over for it man I got my clothes hella dirty the other day
You can use mine if you want it's in the closet on the top shelf
Is the brand you use good at getting out blood stains this is really important
Uh...

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
Excuse me do you happen to have the time
Yeah it's about twenty after
Thanks

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
Tune in tonight at 11 when the channel ten action news team investigates a deadly disease impacting the local community
Dag yo local news mongers so much fear it ain't even funny
That may strike your children at any moment.
OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
! ! !

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
You ready for this shit
Oh man what are you gonna do
I said ARE YOU READY FOR THIS SHIT
Yes I'm ready I'm ready just do it already God
FUCK YEAH HOW D'YA LIKE ME NOW
That was the lamest move I've ever seen

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
Excuse me sir do you have a moment to talk about your future
Sure I guess so you're not selling anything are you
No sir I want to talk to you about your future in the kingdom of heaven. Would you be interested in having life everlasting at God's right hand
That actually sounds pretty nice what do I have to do
You have to hate homos

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
At the company party...
Man I wish I could tell you how much I hate you Jack
So I go, "Well If you're going to bring up my mother whenever we fight I think it's fair for me to bring up your stepfather"
But no I gotta make nice and listen to you bullshit stories 'cause you're the boss's nephew
So she's all "You bastard I was abused by my stepfather you're just a mama's boy who can't do anything without her approval"
If I could find a way to get away with it I would kill you without hesitation you little prick
So I'm like "whatever bitch" and she's like "go to hell" and I'm all "I'll see you th--" hey Steve are you listening to me

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
Hey Andy you wanna go get some wings at Quaker Steak
I'm still not speaking to you
You gotta let that go dude you know I didn't mean nothin' by it
You embarrassed me in front of Jennifer and her parents and now I'll she'll never want to see me again
All I did was point out to you that she was a 12-year-old
I was this close to getting her to come into my van

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
Hey can I bum a smoke off ya man
Sorry kid this is my last one
No problem thanks anyway man

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
Allie please come out it's Jeff I need to tell you something
That night last week was one of the best nights of my life and I just can't stand that I haven't seen you since I think I love you Allie I really do
Allie!
Jesus these fucking Earthlings you do one anal probe and they get all clingy

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
Hey I finally got me a TV set an' saw The Apprentice it's just as good as you been sayin'
I DON'T WATCH THE APPRENTICE ANYMORE NOW I WATCH DEAL OR NO DEAL
Oh
I LIKE IT WHEN HOWIE SAYS OPEN THE CASE IT'S SO SUSPENSEFUL

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
When I was a young man there was nothing I wanted more than to be Pope
I was going to be the first Pope to record a rap album you know to get the kids interested in the Church again
My papal name would have been MC Klemenzz VI

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
I just think Marx's whole underlying thesis was flawed so it's almost moot to discuss the feasibility of the details
Yeah
I mean he assumes that class conscuousness will materialize all by itself just as a natural effect of labor concentration and that doesn't really seem to be happening
Uh huh
So of course communist societies always devolve into a dictatorship of the proletariat it's inevitable when the people don't really understand the movement in the same way the leaders do
That's fascinating do you want to go back to my place

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
Happy Holidays Trev
Hey whoa what did you just say dude
I was just wishing you Happy Holidays
It's Christmas motherfucker don't forget the reason for the season
Man shut the hell up Trevor you're not even a Christian
For shame dude he died for your sins and this is how you repay him

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
ARE YOU GOING TO THE POOL
Yeah I am I was just running inside to grab a towel. You wanna come little robot dude
NO THANKS
GETTING WET MAKES ME DIE

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
Hey do we still have any of them Pizzalicious Pringles left
Naw sorry dude I finished 'em with my lunch
Damn

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
It's from your brother he says he was discharged from the army
Damn I didn't even know he was in the army I haven't heard from him in so long
Yeah he says he wants to meet you
Wow did he serve in Iraq or Afghanistan of something
El Salvador dude apparently he was in a death squad
That's depressing

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
So, uh...
Yeah.
Looks like there's a pretty bad zombie holocaust goin' on out there
Yeah I know
How long d'ya figure before they bust in here an' rip out our intestines?
I really wish you'd stop asking me that question

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
DO YOU HAVE THE SHIT
Yeah I got it. How much you need man
GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE
...Are you sure? This is primo shit man, just a dab'll do ya
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF DEALER ARE YOU I HAVE THE MONEY NOW GIVE ME THE SHIT

 

Standoff.
This Lane Bryant ain't big enough for the both of us
What do you care you don't even wear clothes
by sidwood, 2-07-07

 

by sidwood
2-07-07
I've got you now, Tennenbaum!
YOU THINK YOU'VE WON BUT LT. BEAUREGARD IS ON HIS WAY TO SAVE ME I JUST KNOW IT
You wish, asshole! I took care of him already
LIAR OH MY GOD YOU'RE SUCH A LIAR
Meanwhile
This don't bode well

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