All comics by smokingmonkey

 

What's the point? by smokingmonkey 3-27-04
You're such a fucking idiot. I'm such an idiot.	Why do you even try anymore? You're a clogged, overused toilet. What's the point? I'm a frickin' piece of crap.	I love you. Yeah. What's the point?

 

Holy War Batman! by smokingmonkey 3-27-04
Praise Allah! We shall never end the fight to defeat the Infidels! We shall crush their efforts to corrupt us with their evil!	My brothers! Jihadists possess a quality that their enemies cannot hope to acquire. We will not give up to one slave of America! We all shall fight this injustice to our last breath!	You first. goo goo da-da cookie

 

Welcome Mat by smokingmonkey 3-27-04
Well, howdy dawgs. Welcome to my little piece of the pie. I hope the time we spend together is all that. Come on, let me show y'all around. This guy's allright.	We've got a lot to talk about. I can't wait to show you all of the critters that I call my amigos. ... Well how are you doing pardner? zazazazazatooka!!?!!	Maybe, if were lucky and you eat all your vegetables, we might get to see a real live smoking monkey. Saddle up and yippee-yap-kyroo! Such a nice young man. I hope he finds his horse.

 

Thee Who Thinkest by smokingmonkey 3-28-04
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...	Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...	...water.

 

Holiday Rap by smokingmonkey 3-28-04
I said a ho-ho-ho. I said a ho-ho-ho. I said a ho-ho-ho. I said a ho-ho-ho. Well I'm Old St. Nick and I'm on my way. I got plenty of toys up in my sleigh. Ho-ho. Ho-ho. Ho-ho. Ho-ho. Ho-ho. Ho-ho. Ho-ho. Ho-ho. Ho-ho. Ho-ho. Ho-ho. Ho-ho.	...and Dancer..., ...and Vixen..., I got Dasher..., ...and Prancer..., ...and five other Reindeer I don't have to mention. Goin' house to house all around the world, delivering toys to boys and girls.	We're bringing Love and Peace and a whole lot of Cheer. So have a Merry X-Mas and a Happy New Year. Breakdown.

 

Day 730 by smokingmonkey 3-28-04
Day 730 Good morning, this is Commercial Bank. How may I help you? Good morning, this is Commercial Bank. How may I help you?	Good afternoon, this is Commercial Bank. How may I help you? Good afternoon, this is Commercial Bank. How may I help you?	Great job today you! Tomorrow, let's all work a little harder to meet our 99.999% service levels. I'll bring the candy! Ooohhh boy, oh boy! Candy! Thank you sir! And as a token of my gratitude, please take some more of my soul.

 

Day 577 by smokingmonkey 3-28-04
In the morning... About the e-mail you got. Because of a string of sick calls, we've decided to punish the people who worked hard and actually decided to show up by implementing involuntary overtime.	Later that day... Oh, and thanks for the concerned response about the Labor Department’s proposed changes to overtime laws. I'll forward it to HR, and we'll get back to you with an answer ASAP.	3 weeks later and still no answer... !!@$&%*# customers! They can kiss my @ss! Hey, what are you bringing for food day tomorrow? Oh, how I long for the day I pay off my credit-card debt!

 

Untitled by smokingmonkey 3-28-04
Hmm-hmm. Right.	Huh-huh Yeah.	I'm bored. Now watch as I touch the tip of my tongue to my nose.

 

Day 672 by smokingmonkey 3-30-04
Oh man, what am I going to do? I've already used my assigned lunch and break time! But if I wait, I'll regret it for the rest of the day!	I must wait! If I act now, it will mess up my service levels and reflect negatively on my monthly report! Then my record will be tainted!	Day 673 I brought you in here to talk about your reports. I'm really concerned about your service levels. It seems that yesterday you took an unscheduled break. What do you have to say for yourself? Everybody poops?

 

My High School Physics Teacher Was a Genius? by smokingmonkey 3-31-04
One fine day at the beginning of the semester... Man, our 6th period physics class sounds like it's going to be hard. Bro, check it. I've got it all figured out. I'm just not going to go. Anyway school sucks man. Who needs physics when I've got my own way to learn about the universe?	The very next day... Duuude. If you stand in the water, the waves will roll past you unaffected. Hardly any wave energy is reflected because the size of your body is so much less than the wavelength of the water waves! Keep on learning from me kid. I'm all natural.	Meanwhile... Today class, we will be aligning an infrared laser in an apparatus designed to create a Bose-Einstein Condensate of rubidium. Fuh-fuh-fun! I like being insane, hee-hee.

 

My High School Physics Teacher Was a Genius? by smokingmonkey 3-31-04
The test begins...now! I can't believe this! I've been studying for weeks, and I still don't have a clue about what is on this test! What am I going to do? Teenagers should not be this stressed out! We're all screwed! Well, not all of us...	... Duuude. Space and time are modes in which we think, not conditions in which we exist. Space is a form abstracted from matter and exists only in consciousness. This black line is so...black! You're smoking Einstein! You shall be rewarded with grade A cheezy-oh-so-cheezy puffs!	After class... 62! I got a 62 on my test! What am I going to tell my parents? My life is ruined! Ohhh, my stomach. I need to go get some Pepto from my locker. Hey, look at the bright side. At least you didn't freak out, strip naked, and run around the model of a helium atom while screaming "I'm a satellite, I'm a satellite!" like that other guy.

 

My High School Physics Teacher Was a Genius? by smokingmonkey 3-31-04
Hi-ho! The semester is over... Your record indicates that you did terribly on homework assignments, and nearly failed all of your tests. That is why I have given you a D grade. Wha..? Wait? I uh... No. Try again...I will. Better next time! No, no, no, no, please no, no, no...	Now, if you will excuse me, I must continue my research on the molecular structure of cheese, and then stick sparklers in it. Good day to you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, please, no, no, no, no... Try I will. Make things right. (sob) Mommy.	I can be cheese. Please let me be cheese. Awww man, my atoms are nothing. Yo! How you doin' bro? How was, hee-hee, physics? Can't say that I missed it too much, ha! Dude. Are you allright?

 

I forgot my girlfriend's birthday. by smokingmonkey 3-31-04
Im' a jerk. I'm a jerk.	Im' a jerk. I'm a jerk.	Im' a jerk. Did I mention that I was a jerk?

 

I Forgot My Girlfriend's Birthday. by smokingmonkey 3-31-04
I'm a jerk. I'm a jerk.	I'm a jerk. I'm a jerk.	I'm a jerk. Did I mention that I was a jerk?

 

Birthday Song. by smokingmonkey 3-31-04
Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you!	"Happy Birthday, dear sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet beautiful Karen."	"Happy... Birthday... to... youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!" And many more... that that stupid jerk won't forget! Happy Birthday Karen!

 

My High School Physics Teacher Was a Genius? by smokingmonkey 4-01-04
The last day of the semester continues... Hey! What are you doing here? You haven't been to class all semester, and now you show up on the last day!? Are you crazy or just dumb? Crazy and dumb like a fox! Don't worry dude. I'll just step right in there and take what he gives me.	10 steps later... Well, I see that you have not taken any tests, completed any homework assignments or, for that matter, ever showed up for class. So to give you the benefit of the doubt, I'm giving you a C. Uhhh...	Uhhhh... I'm a scientist, tride and true! Now I'll do my yell for you! La-la-la-za-rooooo-goo! Capatown! I can't believe it. I can be a physicist!

 

Day 741 by smokingmonkey 4-08-04
Hey, thanks for coming in! Really appreciate it! Listen, I have some exciting news. To make our department more efficient, we've decided to implement some new strategies. Uh-oh.	We've decided to scale back lunch times to 15 minutes. Now, I know what you're thinking,... and I have to tell you that I'm just as excited as you! I just know that we'll all give 450.999%! Go team! Yeah but...	Oh, and to help with the transition, we'll be replacing your normal office chairs with specially designed commode chairs. No more wasted trips to the bathroom! Take that urine and feces! Moo.

 

One Fine Day Under the Sea by smokingmonkey 4-13-04
Excuse me. Can I ask you a stupid question? Of course!		Can I give you a stupid answer?

 

Day 751 by smokingmonkey 4-22-04
Thank you for calling Commercial Bank. How may I help you? I hate all banks and capitalist organizations, but yours is especially baneful! I have never had a bank treat me this way in my life! It was all a lie to get business! A lie!	Uhhh... I hope upon the soul of Damballah that bad fortune falls upon every employee at this Robber Baron institution. MAY BANKRUPTCY AND RUIN FALL UPON THIS ORGANIZATION!	Later... I think that I may have a curse on my head. Can I go home early? I'm sorry, but voodoo curses are not covered under sick time guidelines. Oh, and please remember that Workers Comp does not cover sharp, mysterious stabbing pains, or if your head bursts into flames.

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