All comics by thegreyman

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by thegreyman
10-22-05
Just another lovely night in Leyton...
Hey Col u suck
Yeah but u swallow
...old friends meet for good times
Sorry i killed u m8
Never mind m8 I don't care...
...beats going to work 2moro

 

by thegreyman
10-22-05
Friday night in the urban jungle
Hey Mega-Man u coming out today to fight crime?
Aprox. 8.15pm GMT
No
Why not?
This is Hackney, I'm not that fucking brave!
Hmm he's got a point!

 

by thegreyman
10-22-05
One night in Her Majesty's Prison
Prisoner Jones you've made 25 attempts at escape. What do we have to do to keep you imprisoned?
Put me in HMP Holloway
That's a women's jail.
Yeah I know 2 thousand horny women who haven't seen a man in months! Man, wild horses couldn't drag me out of there.
Hey I'd take up crime for that!

 

by thegreyman
10-22-05
Man I hate nukes, u go girl.
Right on.
But why are u protesting against nukes 1/2 way up a mountainside?
Damn good question, just wish I had a punchline for you!

 

by thegreyman
10-22-05
Walking home after midnight
I thought I heard footsteps behind me, but I don't want to give power to my paranoia by turning around and looking. I'm not afraid of the dark after all, ha ha!
I mean who could possibly be about at this hour? It's not like a knife-wielding maniacs gonna get me is it?
Kill, slay, hack, mutilate
Ha, just as I thought it was all in my imagination. It's just a cute cat, totally harmless.
Damn thought she was a mouse for a minute. It's your lucky night sister.

 

by thegreyman
10-22-05
This is where Mother is buried. She looked after me all my life. Told me not to mess around with those dirty girls. Taught me to be pure & strong.
Told me what to do if those dirty girls got too close. Those dirty, dirty girls looking to corrupt me with their evil feminine wiles & svelte nubile bodies. I'd chop 'em up, not let them get too close
Gee Mum, thinking about it now, I'm not really sure u had my best interests at heart.

 

by thegreyman
10-22-05
Hey there big J, is that right that u died for me?
Yes my son I died so that your sins might be forgiven in the eyes of my Father, the Lord God,
I don't think so, I'm the Easter bunny, u died so I could sell tons of sweet confectionary every year & rot kid's teeth. Cheers sucker. Tell your old man I said hi.
Hmm I wonder if there's any chance of a hot-cross bun, i'm Hank Marvin.

 

by thegreyman
10-24-05
Wow a pencil lowers from the heavens! Is this the hand of God, the work of my creator? Is it lowering to grant me some boon, perhaps drawing into being a life partner to save me from my lonliness?
Or perhaps not! Perhaps he intends to alter me, to fix my bad hair, looks & halitosis & re-create me as popular & handsome!
Bwah-ha-ha
God you're a bastard.

 

by thegreyman
10-24-05
Hi gorgeous human female, I am Xcvret from the planet Kujtfed. I come to this planet to observe your mating rituals. How about me & you babe?
You must be joking, u are the most hideous creature I've ever seen, why on Earth would I want to mate with you?
Well... I can lick my own toes without moving my feet.
Your place or mine?

 

by thegreyman
10-24-05
My little Kitty Snookums died & mummy says she went to heaven and God made her into the brightest star in the sky. Do you think Snookums is up there now looking down on us?
Ur mum lied to make you feel better. There is no afterlife, no God, no heaven, just the relentless pain of this so called life, followed by oblivion. Life is pointless & cruel, death is sweet release
I'm getting Mum to call the baby-sitting agency on Monday. At least the drug taking hippy I had last week wasn't such a nihilist bitch, and that bong was kinda nice too.

 

by thegreyman
10-24-05
Imaginary friend, I want to go to the toilet by myself for the first time. Won't mummy & daddy be proud of me that i'm able to do number 2s without needing them to put me on the potty?
Or maybe they'll also be secretly sad that you've grown up so soon and that their only child is getting older and now doesn't need them quite as much, they'll start to feel old & less important to you
It's a moot point now anyway, I've just shit me knickers.
Good girl u done the right thing.

 

by thegreyman
10-26-05
Happy hour at the local Goth bar
I am like so depressed.
Well I am so depressed too, probably more depressed than u are.
I am morbidly depressed, I dwell in moribund melancholy. My days are rife with angst & torment the likes of which crush my spirit with ineffable woe.
The depths of my despair are unquantifiable in their enormity. Each second I breathe the air of this so called existence into my sobbing lungs I have to stifle a plaintive moan of weary agony.
Damn it depresses me that that chick is so much more depressed than me.
Damn it depresses me that that guy is so much more depressed than me.

 

by thegreyman
10-28-05
When I 1st joined this company I really didn't like you much...
..I never would have thought that one day I'd end up missing you...
.. and what do you know, I was right.

 

by thegreyman
11-08-05
Monday afternoon in the office
Hey you met the new guy yet? Man he is so upbeat & cheerful, nothing gets him down.
Yeah I know, it's like nothing fazes him, he has a permanent grin and is gushing with joy d'vivre.
Even 1st thing in the morning he's raring to go, with a spring in his step & a song in his heart.
Oh absolutely, he's 100% happy 100% of the time.
I can't fucking stand him personally.
No me either, all that positivity makes me wanna puke.

 

by thegreyman
11-08-05
Approaching Earth's orbit..
So all these centuries after leaving Earth to explore & colonise the galaxy we are finally going back.
Yes I know, how do you think the apes will take it when we show up to make treaties between our planets?
Well they think we've been extinct for millions of years, it'll be a shock for them no doubt.
Especially as their scientists believe us to have been dumb peanut-brained idiots.
Yeah the planet that we roamed for millenia they have managed to screw up in just a few centuries and they call us dumb!
Yeah fuckers! I hope we scare the shit out've them. How about we obliterate them from space and tell the captain it was an accident?

 

by thegreyman
11-08-05
Well who would've believed it, the human race has finally wiped itself out and left the Earth to us roaches at last. But what killed them off? Was it nuclear war?
Nope.
Was it genetic testing? Was it over pollution destroying the ozone? Was it terrorist attacks? Was it deforestation leading to declining oxygen?
Nope. Nah. No. Nein. Guess again.
Was it natural disasters, Mother Earth fighting back against her oppressors?
Nah it was the dinosaurs from the last joke.

 

by thegreyman
3-24-07
Dr Psycho, my ex-wife tells me u r a great doctor for ingrowing toenails
stand still please, this may sting a little
my favourite choirboy says u r very discreet treating genital warts
unzip and brace urself i'll just go sharpen my ax.... i mean my scalpel
hmmm i never knew! "surgery for dummies" Says amputation isn't a cure 4 everything after all!

 

by thegreyman
3-24-07
hi Jim i'm ginjbt ur imaginary friend. i'm a figment or ur young psyche created to amuse u in moments of boredom
we can have such fun together if u'll just believe in me & use ur imagination
damn i wish my PSP would hurry up & charge

 

by thegreyman
3-24-07
7.30AM
just say no to nukes, corporations, whaling, crooked politicians, genetic mod crops, right wing, microsoft, pollution, fbi, cia, police thugs, urban decay......
15.47PM
no to things we don't like, no to bad stuff, no no no yawn
20.52PM
no to all day fucking protests, being an eco-warrior really takes it out of ya!!

 

by thegreyman
3-24-07
1 day in Cleethorpes
Jan Smith, it is your time, i the grim reaper claim thee!
no please, not me, i'm too young to die, spare me .... Hold on u said Jan! i'm jane u have the wrong woman!
hmmmm, consulting the book of fate i see u r correct. now is not ur time.
oh thank heavens, thank you, thank you
see you next tuesday then!
oh bollocks!

 

by thegreyman
4-07-07
Armageddon, Judgement Day, the end of the World... Monday morning!
W.T.F! The undead walk & r eating the living & u r dressed to go to work!
but my boss is a real hardarse
m8 ur boss is probably dead & if not then he is too busy trying to stay alive to cuss u for absen-fucking-tism from ur crummy office job!!!
hmm maybe u r right, i'll just phone in to see if he's there & expecting me in
oh no the line's dead, maybe i'd better go in just in case!
In a minute i'm gonna eat this fucking twat myself!

 

by thegreyman
4-07-07
JANE SMITH, I AM DEATH... IT IS YOUR TIME
Oh no please I'm too young to die. Can't I challenge u 2 a game of chess or something 2 save my life?
OK I WILL ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE... NAME YOUR GAME
Um.... errrr.... I spy with my little eye something beggining with 'S'

 

by thegreyman
4-07-07
Stardate blah, the planet Blong!
blorghulujk junju mokko mokko
Starship can u get me a translation please
blorghulujk junju mokko mokko
****sqwark**** translation reads: "Greetings Earthman, let us spawn together, u will make a great mother for my thousand young with those hips of yours"***** sqwark
I think he likes me
OK BEAM ME FUCKING UP NOW!!! NOW!!! NOW!!!! HELLO WHY AM I STILL HERE? HELLO!

 

by thegreyman
4-07-07
Still on the planet Blong!
GODDAMMITTHISALIENUGLYWANTS TOBLOODYBUGGERME!!!HELP!!!
Translation: oh yeah, oh yeah, hot to trot
Ok ground patrol but please be advised that the Ferucundi view loud, fast vocalisations as a precursor to their frenzied mating ritual
.....
...pls .... get .... me .... out ...of ... here..... now.... sob
Hmph damned tease

 

by thegreyman
4-07-07
Planet Blong, Spock's not happy ;-(
Please also be advised that the Ferucundi are the most well endowed race in this quadrant
Eeeep!!!
Translation: Who's yo daddy Earthman?
They are also impervious to our Phasers!
Look sod all the guidebook jargon & just beam me the frigging hell off of this planet!
Oh ha! About that, silly me, did I forget to mention that the transporters are currently undergoing repairs?

 

by thegreyman
4-07-07
Meanwhile up on the bridge
****Sqwark**** arggh captain help!! Just bomb the entire planet. Spare me from this fate worse than death
Sorry ground party, no can do, the Ferucundi are a protected species!
****Sqwark**** OHMYGOD!! IT'S... IT'S...THING IS FUCKING ENORMOUS!! ARRRRRRRRR GGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Just shut your eyes, grit your teeth & think of the Federation.
****Sqwark**** arggh you bastard, why didn't you brief me on the dangers of this planet?... moan..sob...why did u only send down a 1-man squad?
Bwah ha ha, he won't be making time with Uhuru behind my back again.

 

by thegreyman
4-12-07
Meanwhile betwixt life & death, Jan played Eyespy with the Grim Reaper
The answer is Scythe.
SHIT, FUCK, erm I mean... no it's not I was thinking of erm..... S...S...Sh... Oh yeah, the answer was Shroud, I win, I get to live!!
U sure u don't mean Shit? Cos u r full of it! I've heard of trying to cheat Death but never trying to take the piss out've it!
Sorry.... how about best out've 3?

 

by thegreyman
4-13-07
One night on the way to the sabbat...
Follow me new disciple, the sacrificial goat is prepared!
I can hear it bleating now!
The cult of Ymkillushogroth awaits!
I can hear the chanting now!
Then the orgy begins!! Bwah-Ha-Ha!!!!
Um.. I can only hear guys chanting! Perhaps I'll give the Mormons another go instead!

 

by thegreyman
4-13-07
One night the unexplained phenomena are having a party
... can u believe it! This foolish mortal tried playing eye-spy 4 her life!
Ha ha, I hear u, as an alien myself I just abduct people & probe them & impregnate them & stuff.
So u cruise in fast space ships & beam up young girls to probe them?
Yep & u just claim those whose deaths are foreseen in the book of fate!
Any chance we can do a job swap?
Dream on m8!

 

by thegreyman
4-13-07
I Cthulu, the great old one, sleeper in deepest Ry'leh awake & u try & stop my overthrow of creation with a protest?
Yes passive objection is the only way!
I can melt your bones with just a look, one of my mildest farts would decimate your planet
Chill out man, I've got a placard!
Have you no sense of fear? Just one look at me & ur spine should melt in terror & dribble out of your rectum!! You should descend into an insanity that leaves u as nothing more than a slavering wreck!
Man this acid is pretty damn strong!

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