All comics by v

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by v
9-16-04
Blowing it out your ass before looking behind you.
I'm tellin' ya, iff'n that slimebag Morrison tries to report me for bein' late, I'm gonna give him a piecsh of my mind, I tell you what!
Jenkins? May I have a word with you?
Realizing the hooker you paid for last night is actually your sister.
Raymond?
Aw shit...
Starting a strip and then realizing you totally forgot what it was supposed to be.
Um...enter?
[saving strip]

 

by v
9-16-04
Sweet game system, dude!
Yeah, just got it today.
Wait, how the hell can you afford something like that?
Let's just say it had to be listed as "defective" on the shipment notice.
Oh man! I am so not hearing this!
Next week there's gonna be some kick ass home theater systems coming in. Get ready to upgrade, pal.

 

by v
9-23-04
IRC at work, I see. How can you get away with it?
Fuck you, man! You gotta check this out! This chick is fucking whacked man!
If it's about your fascination with vegetable porn, I don't want to hear it.
Nono! She says armageddon is coming within 5 years! God told her so. She and her followers are going to be major players.
Where do you find these people?
I wonder if she's hot. Crazy or not, hot is hot.

 

by v
9-23-04
So, what's the latest on your psychotic honey?
She hasn't sent me a picture yet, but I figure if I woo her enough, I can get in her pants.
I don't know what's sadder, her mental state, or you preying on it.
She's starting to confuse me. She said it's not human-created, but Bush started it. Does that mean Bush is an alien? I'll have to ask her.
Sadly, I've found myself sucked into your demented world.
Response: [BarbBombsHell] OMG! Now your getting it! Its an alein conspiacy!

 

by v
10-02-04
Dude, they just hired a chick to work nights with us.
Cool.
I'm not sure about this, man. Her estrogen won't be able to stand up to our testosterone.
Hm.
Soon her loins will burn with a mighty fire for the Jakester! Booyeah!
I sense a sexual harassment suit in the Force.

 

by v
1-19-05
Dude, we're like soooo kewl! We're TOTALLY burning that other guy!
Yeah, like we totally PWNED him!
OMG LOL! We are soooo l33t!
Yeah, we rock. Totally.
10 minutes later...
Dude, like where'd everybody go?
I dunno. Wanna cyber?

 

by v
1-22-05
Man, I came SO close to getting a $100 CD player for $20 today.
You mean you actually tried to pay for it?
I stuck another tag on the bottom of the barcode.
How original. Let me guess, you no longer have a job?
Please. I am too good to get caught. I just wish I had remembered to check the label to see if it would actually scan. Cause I can't afford this thing.
Should have thought of that before you tried to screw them out of money.

 

by v
1-24-05
"Yeah, that's nice":
Look what I can do!
Er, yeah...
Beating a dead horse:
I bet you can't stick your foot here, can you?
Bored now...
Two dogs humping:
I am so witty and l33t! The girls love me! Giggity giggity!
Overdone fuck.

 

by v
2-22-05
You know that guy you hate?
Yeah, but I wouldn't say I "hate" him. Maybe "pity" or "contempt."
Look at this. He's trying to bribe you to be his friend.
With what? Jello salad?
Another star on your rating. Or so he claimed.
Riiiight. When he starts offering something of value, let me know.

 

by v
2-28-05
What's the difference between IvyThePlant and Garfield?
One's a hairy pussy and the other's a cat.

 

by v
2-28-05
What's the difference between IvyThePlant and a condom?
People like having sex with condoms.

 

by v
2-28-05
What's the difference between IvyThePlant and a $20 whore?
About eighteen bucks.

 

by v
9-29-05
BEEP BEEP BEEP!
Hey, the alarm went off. Time for you to take your birth control.
I will when I'm done fucking you.
BEEP BEEP BEEP!
...
BEEP BEEP BEEP!
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Shut up and pound me.

 

by v
10-14-05
So get this, last night my girl and I were cruisin' down the interstate at fuckin' 80 mph and she slides her hands down my pants.
Oh hot handjob, man.
No, she gave me a full blowjob! If it wasn't for cruise control my foot would have floored the gas.
"I'm sorry I was speeding, officer, but my girlfriend was sucking me off and--"
Not cool, dude.
On the upside, you'd probably get plenty of head in jail.

 

by v
2-05-06
My girlfriend just gave me a blowjob while I was watching the Superbowl.
Wow!
Do you realize what this means!?
Men everywhere simultaneously envy you and want to kill you.
I'm the luckiest man alive!
Urge to kill...rising...

 

by v
10-10-06
Hee, hee--with my new time machine, I'll be able to go back and fuck...I mean, MEET various historical figures! Oh boy, oh boy, oh--
What happens if I pull THIS switch, Daddy?
Mommy and Daddy will get divorced and it will be all your fault.

 

by v
10-10-06
What are you going to do with your share of the bank heist loot?
I'm going to build a time machine, go back in time, rape William Shakespeare repeatedly with a rusty pipe...
Uh--
Sodomize his dog, gangbang his mother, and steal all his works and pass them off as my own.
Oh dear God, no!! That's the WORST application of technology I've ever heard of!!!
The folks at wittycomics.com would beg to differ.

 

by v
10-11-06
For $1,000: "The Thirteen Most Beautiful Boys?"
What is an Andy Warhol film.
I'm sorry, the correct answer is "What is Mark Foley's shopping list."
This show is rigged.

 

by v
10-18-06
I heard Andrew's bachelor party was the hottest thing in town. What'dja get? Hookers, paintball, war games?
Studio Ghibli marathon.
Dude, that's really gay.
Hey, it's not like we watched all of Pom Poko.
Trust me, that's funny.

 

by v
10-18-06
My dearest Roger. At thou headed towards yon bachelor party?
Indeed I am, good neighbor Jon. Prithee tell, what of yonder activities?
Oh my, there be muchly in the way of food, entertainment, and clean, Godly fun.
Alas, I was hoping for ye olde knitting circle, but it seems that be too raunchy for the likes of Brother Jacob.
There also be buttsex.
Hurrah!

 

by v
11-24-06
Dishwasher at a resort restaurant
Welcome to the kitchen. I hear you're a college man. What are you planning to study?
Medicine. I want to be a neurosurgeon.
So back here is a giant metal tub filled with scalding chemicals.
Your hands will be submerged there all day and you don't get gloves.
Time for career plan B.

 

by v
11-24-06
Pizza cook at a substandard, yet snooty restaurant
I need you to stir this sauce that's so acidic it can eat through steel.
Right, what spoon do I use?
You don't stir it with a spoon. We prefer you use your hands.
And you don't get gloves.
I'm sensing a theme here.

 

by v
11-24-06
Underpaid 'housekeeper' at a hunting lodge
Your work isn't satisfactory. I want you to go back and clean the tops of all the doors to the guest rooms.
I hate you.
5 hours later...
You actually cleaned them all?
Don't be stupid. I cut the tops of the doors off with a saw I found in the maintenence closet.
Uh...
Hey, I may be a slacker, but I'm a spiteful slacker.

 

by v
11-27-06
I'm so totally going to pwn this n00b.
Have you ever thought of leaving the poor bastards alone?
No way, those punks need to be taught a lesson. Stupid n00bs coming into my world and polluting it with their n00bness.
You're just still pissed off from the hazing you got when you were a n00b. Why don't you break the cycle?
Yeah right. (incinerate n00b)
Why am I on fire?

 

But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the East, and Juliet is the sun! Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon Who is already sick and pale with grief That thou her maid art far
more fair than she. Be not her maid, since she is envious. Her vestal livery is but sick and green, And none but fools do wear it. Cast it off. It is my lady! O, it is my love! O, that she knew she..
by v, 11-27-06

 

I had this advantage, at least, in my mode of life, over those who were obliged to look abroad for amusement, to society and the theatre, that my life itself was become my amusement and never ceased
to be novel. It was a drama of many scenes and without an end. If we were always, indeed, getting our living, and regulating our lives according to the last and best mode we had learned, we should
by v, 11-27-06

 

by v
11-28-06
I'm moving back to Oregon.
That middle of nowhere shithole filled with rednecks and bears? Why?
It was much better living there when I didn't have easy access to the internet.
You'll miss it. You can't get away from it. The internet consumes your soul.
On my lunch break I got six porn spams, two Nigerian emails, and was accused of being a n00b, a lamezor, a narc, a Republican, and an alias because I didn't make enough comics and like certain people.
I'll help you pack after I've finished denigrating this n00b.

 

by v
11-29-06
Congratulations, you'll be rid of me in a few weeks. I'm moving back home.
Can't talk now. Busy pwning this guy.
How can you 'pwn' someone on a Kiss message board?
They think the work Kiss did without makeup isn't so bad.
Christmas can't come soon enough.
(flame the heretic)

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