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biped
October 9, 2005 9:58 PM

For anyone who may be interested for whatever reason, here are the movie reviews I've written so far for a site called "Bum's Corner" under the name of "porfle."

http://www.bumscorner.com/bumnuke/index.php?module=prodreviews&func=reviewsbycat&reviewsel=1

H. G. Wells' The War Of The Worlds
Frailty
The Killer Shrews
Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein
Village Of The Giants
The Creature Walks Among Us
War Of The Planets
Ghetto Dawg 2:Out Of The Pits
Slipstream
The Killer Upstairs

At first I was just reviewing movies that I'd seen at the theater or had on DVD, but then they sent me some free screeners to review (the last four movies on the list) which was really cool.

Also there are a couple of articles I've submitted:

http://www.bumscorner.com/bumnuke/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=index&catid=&topic=26

Anyway, it's a fun thing to do.

Post #193636link

HCRoyall
October 9, 2005 10:15 PM

You are a man apart, biped.

Post #193639link

biped
October 9, 2005 10:23 PM

You mean like Vin Diesel?

Post #193641link

Spankling
October 9, 2005 11:05 PM

Oh god. Not another critic on the site.

Post #193644link

Zaster
October 10, 2005 3:44 AM

quote:
The Killer Shrews
Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein
Village Of The Giants...

Can you believe it's 2005 already, and still noone has invented a time machine to allow us to travel back and prevent these films from having been made?

Post #193656link

squidrabies
October 10, 2005 5:33 PM

I say well done, but I think too much of the meat of the reviews are taken up with blow-by-blow. I like what you write, but I found myself reading the first few sentences, then skimming to the last few. But then that's me, I usually already know the basic plot of a movie, or if I don't I only really want to know if it's good or not. Which is why I started doing my own reviews a while back on myspace. I do the same thing with most newspaper movie reviews, because they're so busy being "professional journalists" that they forget they're supposed to be entertaining and informing us, rather than simply entertaining themselves and showing how smart they are. I mean, seriously, who knows what "denouement" or "mis-en-scene" means? What the fuck does "chewing up the scenery" mean? Even if you do know, you gotta admit it's stupid to actually write shit like that in a review for Dumb and Dumber. Anyway, I decided to write short, funny reviews that let you know immediately if the movie sucks or not. In fact, I made it so you don't even have to read the review if you don't want to. I give them titles like, "A Dirty Shame Is Stupid". And I give them a percentage of goodness rather than stars. I felt a movie can be really good, in a sucky way, and only get one star which tells me nothing. So with my reviews, a movie can totally suck, but be rated 75% good. Anyway, I only did a few and since nobody reads them, I sort of stopped. But every now and then I write more. If I thought people were enjoying them, I'd do it every week. Oh well, have a look if you like:

http://www.myspace.com/videoclerk

Oh, and your review for The Killer Shrews was wonderful. I keep meaning to go back and review crappy old movies too since I watch enough of them at work.

Post #193721link

mandingo
October 10, 2005 8:03 PM

i only read 'Abbott and Costello meet Frankenstein', but i liked it, bipedalled one

Post #193744link

biped
October 10, 2005 10:25 PM

Thank you for your wonderful comments, everybody.

quote:
I say well done, but I think too much of the meat of the reviews are taken up with blow-by-blow.

Yeah, I've thought about that, but for some reason I just love recounting the plots of the movies that a)probably no one reading has ever seen before or b) haven't been released on DVD yet. Of course, telling the story of THE KILLER SHREWS or VILLAGE OF THE GIANTS is half the fun, but for a movie like GHETTO DAWG 2:OUT OF THE PITS I could probably cut back on the synopsis a tad.

Post #193754link

Zaster
October 11, 2005 3:47 AM

I have a sinking feeling we're going to have to wait 40 or 50 years for Biped's review of "Serenity".

Post #193784link

biped
October 11, 2005 8:28 AM

I only go to the theater to see current movies when I have to set off a flea fogger in my livingroom and get out of the house for two hours.

Post #193804link

biped
October 11, 2005 8:50 PM

Post #193890link

squidrabies
October 11, 2005 8:59 PM

Kickass! How did you get that interview? That was the bees knees.

Post #193894link

biped
October 11, 2005 9:16 PM

quote:
Kickass! How did you get that interview? That was the bees knees.

Thanks! We belong to the same forum called "The Classic Horror Film Board":

http://pub20.ezboard.com/bmonsterkidclassichorrorforum

and I just asked him if he would do it.

Post #193895link

NooniePuuBunny
October 12, 2005 7:42 PM

Here's one you need to look for, Biped:

"The Trouble With Harry" by Alfred Hitchcock

If you haven't seen it, you'll enjoy it.

Post #194030link

biped
October 13, 2005 10:37 AM

I've seen it, it's great.

Post #194119link

biped
October 13, 2005 10:49 AM

Also, I don't think that old URL for the Tom Weaver interview is registering any hits, so if for some reason you want to read it, please get there with this:

http://www.bumscorner.com/bumnuke/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=index&catid=&topic=26

Post #194123link

biped
November 26, 2005 2:22 PM

My review for the new KING KONG DVD was just posted:

http://www.bumscorner.com/bumnuke/index.php?module=prodreviews&func=showcontent&id=271

And my interview with GHETTO DAWG 2:OUT OF THE PITS screenwriter Christine Conradt:

http://www.bumscorner.com/bumnuke/modules.php?op=modload&name=PagEd&file=index&topic_id=4&page_id=49

Post #202996link

LuckyGuess
November 28, 2005 6:51 PM

These are uncommonly good reviews... I'm quite impressed, you wonderful, wonderful Mr. Wonderful.

You should retro review "Jack the Giant Killer," based solely on the fact I told you to without considering it at all.

Post #203279link

Kaenash
November 28, 2005 7:01 PM

Post #203283link

biped
November 28, 2005 7:48 PM

quote:
These are uncommonly good reviews... I'm quite impressed, you wonderful, wonderful Mr. Wonderful.

You should retro review "Jack the Giant Killer," based solely on the fact I told you to without considering it at all.



I thought your comment was one of the greatest comments I've ever read.

"Jack The Giant Killer" is the movie that got me into monster movies. My mother took me to see it when I was four or five and it changed my life. Unfortunately I haven't seen it since then, except for that awful version where they recut and redubbed it to turn it into a musical.

Post #203294link

LuckyGuess
November 28, 2005 8:08 PM

Why thank you. We only use the very best ingredients.

They didn't...? They couldn't... It was a classic.... A CLASSIC...
Too bad. That's really unfortunate. At least we still have the Seven Voyages of Sindbad and Jason and the Argonauts. Anything that Ray Harryhausen put monsters into is worth seeing eighty bajillion times anyway.

But a musical? That's like that "Alice in Wonderland" softcore porn/musical.

Post #203301link

biped
November 28, 2005 9:23 PM

Did you know that JACK THE GIANT KILLER isn't a Harryhausen film? The animation was done by lesser-known animator Jim Danforth, although it was made as a deliberate imitation of SEVENTH VOYAGE OF SINBAD.

The musical version is the pits. Songs were written to synchonize with the actors' mouth movements, and certain scenes were clumsily re-edited.

Post #203315link

Injokester
November 29, 2005 12:29 AM

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/Jack-the-Giant-Killer-DVD-New-Sealed_W0QQitemZ6457073698QQcategoryZ617QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

That looks like the original version, since the seller has another auction here: http://cgi.ebay.com.au/Jack-the-Giant-Killer-DVD-New-Sealed_W0QQitemZ6455870011QQcategoryZ617QQssPageNameZWD2VQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Which uses the description "A song-filled version of the tale", where the top one doesn't.

Post #203340link

DexX
November 29, 2005 4:32 AM

quote:
Did you know that JACK THE GIANT KILLER isn't a Harryhausen film? The animation was done by lesser-known animator Jim Danforth, although it was made as a deliberate imitation of SEVENTH VOYAGE OF SINBAD.
Quite a few rather shoddy films were made to capitalise on the success of Harryhausen and Schneer's Sinbad films, most prominently Captain Sinbad (which featured big crappy puppets instead of stop motion) and Jack the Giant Killer (which is just dodgy as all fuck).

Fact is, nobody can imitate Harryhausen. The man is a god.

Post #203356link

biped
November 29, 2005 6:55 AM

Hmm...I may bid on that DVD. It doesn't look like there'd be much competition.

quote:
Jack the Giant Killer (which is just dodgy as all fuck).

Yeah, when I saw it again (the musical version) a few years ago it looked pretty slapdash compared to Ray's work. But that's probably part of what fascinated me as a kid -- it just looked so downright weird that I was instantly hooked on movies like that.

Post #203367link

LuckyGuess
November 29, 2005 11:17 AM

Something about giant clay monsters smacking the shit out of eachother just makes me feel all fuzzy and warm inside. I don't care what anybody says, no CG monster can rival a good stop-motion one.

Post #203403link

biped
November 29, 2005 12:22 PM

I love stop-motion animation because (a. The models exist in three-dimensional space, (b. You can see the applied artistry of the animators, model-makers, etc. in every frame, and (c. It's more fun to watch than CGI monsters.

Post #203419link

JESUSSANDWICH
November 29, 2005 12:30 PM

Is Pat Morita dead?

Post #203421link

niteowl
November 29, 2005 12:51 PM

quote:
Is Pat Morita dead?
Yep. He died on Thanksgiving Day.

Post #203426link

LuckyGuess
November 29, 2005 8:43 PM

Tim Burton's stop-motion team should team up with Todd McFarlane to make a movie that Harryhausen oversees. They would make the single greatest stop-motion film in the history of the universe.

Post #203501link

HCRoyall
November 29, 2005 9:17 PM

I thought nothing could ever make me want to see Clash of the Titans again, and then I looked at this thread.

Post #203508link

Kaenash
November 30, 2005 12:52 AM

Hey check out this one, its my longest movie yet! You have to kind of turn on sound. it is better if you can see the movie larger. (I believe there is a way to do that, but it involves going into your cache).

I really like this one, although it is filled with jokes mostly known only to fans of the Monsters of the Morning.

http://movies.lionhead.com/movie/15845

This is the'hype' for it;

Based on the Monsters of the Morning (www.monsters.fm) this four minute epic, is pure comedy gold. Russ the Wig Master, Drunky the Bear, Tuddle, Old Dirty Jim, Daniel D and Blackbean, and an asswhoopin' performed by the infamous Bubba "The Whoopass" Wilson. Tiffany is featured in this extravaganza ensemble cast. You will literally laugh, cry, and probably experience a few other emotions as well during this movie! NOT TO BE MISSED!

Post #203535link

Kaenash
November 30, 2005 3:53 PM

One more request, this is my first 'talkie', where I lip Synched actual George Bush audio.

see what you think

http://movies.lionhead.com/movie/16110

Post #203621link

Kaenash
December 2, 2005 7:41 PM

finally got the feedback I wanted.

I was up to 311th on a site where there are at least 80,000 movies (I know because I had one I posted a while back in that place). Within 15 minutes though some downvoters got ahold of it and were able to put me in 3,624th. A sure path to obscurity.

Post #204006link

DexX
December 3, 2005 6:41 PM

quote:
I thought nothing could ever make me want to see Clash of the Titans again, and then I looked at this thread.
It's a problematic movie, for sure, but you just have to ignore the crap and enjoy Medusa. :)

The Harryhausen flicks you must see are The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad, and Jason and the Argonauts. To be honest, though, I've never disliked any of his movies. They have some flaws, but they're always fun.

Post #204204link

biped
February 13, 2006 12:47 AM

Here's an update on the heroin-like wonderfulness that is me, me, me:

MY LATEST MOVIE REVIEWS

King Kong (1933)
Odd Girl Out
Undiscovered
If Ever I See You Again
Gone But Not Forgotten
Roll Bounce
A Lover's Revenge
In the Mix
Ball & Chain
Breaking Dawn

Countess Bathoria Interview

Post #212512link

LuckyGuess
February 14, 2006 9:49 AM

That's it. You, my friend, are getting enshrined.

Post #212678link

biped
February 14, 2006 12:24 PM

Is that like a full-body bikini wax?

Post #212691link

LuckyGuess
February 15, 2006 9:43 AM

Yeah, except I use imported marble instead of wax, and a metal chisel instead of fabric.

Post #212815link

biped
April 12, 2006 1:22 AM

Here's my belated review of Peter Jackson's KING KONG remake that I finally saw on DVD:

http://www.bumscorner.com/bumnuke/index.php?module=ProdReviews&func=showcontent&id=370

Coming up next: MOTOR HOME MASSACRE

Post #218327link

biped
April 12, 2006 1:28 AM

Post #218329link

biped
June 24, 2006 7:04 PM

Post #226194link

boloboffin
June 27, 2006 12:31 AM

I didn't like Fay in love with Kong either. Pity, maybe. Love? Nahh.

I was also taken aback by the land of the giant uncut cocks, or whatever those writhing, bulbous things were down in Spider Canyon. Poor Mr. Smeagol, eaten by giant uncut cocks. Tch, tch.

Very nice review.

Post #226495link

biped
June 27, 2006 6:13 AM

Thanks!

quote:
I was also taken aback by the land of the giant uncut cocks

Oh my gosh...now I'm going to think of that every time I see those things.

Post #226522link

LuckyGuess
June 27, 2006 7:14 AM

I continue to enjoy these reviews. Eight thumbs up!

Post #226531link

biped
June 27, 2006 7:42 AM

In return for that nice comment, here is a picture of Una O'Connor in a sexy french maid's outfit.

Post #226534link

LuckyGuess
June 27, 2006 10:48 AM

Sweet.

Post #226577link

Jarhead
June 28, 2006 10:20 AM

You're like Ropert & Ebert except with good valued points and you don't make me want to kill you.
You're my favorite critic so far.
(....and if you ever need a review-critic partner well..)

Oh, I just read your review of King Kong and loved it.
I seen the original since I love old black and white.silent films and it was great.
Do me a favor,please, in the year 2007 when my
Alvin and The Chipmunks live-action movie comes out...please review it. I'm a fan of the chipmunks and I want a good critic on that movie.

Keep reviewing and im gonna keep reading.
Good job,Bipe.

Post #226737link

Jarhead
June 28, 2006 10:52 AM

AND you got the highest score on pinball on the site!

Post #226744link

UnknownEric
June 28, 2006 11:08 AM

quote:
AMATEUR PORN STAR KILLER
I so want to see this.

Post #226749link

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