01. Dick Cheney' tears cure cancer. Too bad he sells them to the ultra-Rich

02. Dick Cheney once Accidentally Shot someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

03. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Dick Cheney instead decided to negotiate a no-bid contract his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he became CEO of Haliburton.

04. Dick Cheney's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a wooddick could dick if a wooddick could dick wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF Dick Cheney!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Haliburton!" Two years and five months later he realized that he also started the War in Iraq and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

05. Dick Cheney sold his soul to the devil. He now plays poker with the Devil and Chuck Norris at a regular weekly gathering.

06. Dick Cheney does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

07. Dick Cheney built a time machine and went back in time to start the JFK assassination.

08. When Dick Cheney plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather Shotgun Blasts to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he has a no-bid contract to supply oxen, axels, and buffalo meat to other players. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

09. Dick Cheney recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as "Dick Cheney's Piss". it mostly sells in Iraq.

10. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Dick Cheney smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by using a special drug available only to the ultra-rich. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

11. Dick Cheney was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "oil". Jesus drove a giant SUV and needed the oil. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Dick omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of accidental hunting related deaths.

12. Dick Cheney does not sleep. He is an Android.

13. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Dick Cheney--more than meets the eye, Dick Cheney--robot in disguise," and starred Dick Cheney as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

14. A man once asked Dick Cheney if his real name is "Fuck You Mister Vice President". Dick Cheney did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

15. Dick Cheney once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Here is an Accidental Shotgun Blast, get ready for it, you fucking old geezer!"

16. Dick Cheney has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

17. Dick Cheney once survived a heart attack (no really).

18. Dick Cheney lives by only one rule: No Blacks, Faggots (except his daughter), no Asians, and No Mexicans (besides his gardener). That is really many rules, but he doesn't give a shit.

19. Dick Cheney once went to a frat party, and proceeded to accidentally shoot every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Dick Cheney.

20. Dick Cheney can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "A little tough talk in the midst of a campaign or as part of a presidential debate cannot obscure a record of 30 years of being on the wrong side of defense issues.".

21. Dick Cheney is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names, and that only the Ultra-Rich are entitled to either.

22. If you can see Dick Cheney, he can see you. If you can't see Dick Cheney you may be only seconds away from death.

23. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Dick Cheney. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

24. Dick Cheney said this "At least this much is clear: Had the decision belonged to Senator Kerry, Saddam Hussein would still be in power today in Iraq." Then he accidentally shot John Kerry, which is why his face is so fucked up. He also started a war in Iraq, just because he is such a bad ass.

25. When Dick Cheney's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Dick said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he accidentally shot her in the face and said, "Never question Dick Cheney."

26. Dick Cheney doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days. That is because he overdoses on Viagra and other penis enlarging drugs.

27. Dick Cheney punched a woman in the vagina when she said she was a democrat.

28. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Dick Cheney.

29. Dick Cheney once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes invading the restaurant, destroying it, and then rebuilding it with a no-bid contract paid for by your tax dollars.

30. Dick Cheney ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Dick Cheney calmly says, "I've worked for four presidents and watched two others up close, and I know that there's no such thing as a routine day in the Oval Office." and Shotgun Blasts them in the face.

NEVAR QUESTION DICK CHENEY!

If you're going to rip off someone's work, at least take the time to change it to make sense. I only got to #2, but I'm sure there are more errors than this:

02. Dick Cheney once Accidentally Shot someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Should be

02. Dick Cheney once accidentally shot someone so hard that his bullet broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Yup, kaenash sure is lame.

I thought they were funny. Only a few of them were like that. The rest were clever, well-researched, and made sense.

Besides, when you alter someone else's work that's so popular all over the internet that my 2 1/2 month old cousin knows about it, it's hard to get away with it. And he never said it was his work.

Besides, rewriting the Chuck Norris facts to fit Dick Cheney is like using someone else's art to make your own comic strips.

I'm sure no one here has ever done that.

Dick Cheney spanks Chuck Norris' bottom with a Florsheim shoe and sends him crying off to bed without supper when he's naughty.

Dick Cheney once shook hands with Arnold Schwarzenegger and accidentally ripped his arm off. Not wanting to spoil the moment, he beat Arnold senseless with it and then stuffed it down the front of his pants with a good-natured chuckle of genuine amusement.

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I thought they were funny. Only a few of them were like that. The rest were clever, well-researched, and made sense.

Besides, when you alter someone else's work that's so popular all over the internet that my 2 1/2 month old cousin knows about it, it's hard to get away with it. And he never said it was his work.

Besides, rewriting the Chuck Norris facts to fit Dick Cheney is like using someone else's art to make your own comic strips.

I'm sure no one here has ever done that.

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After reading the first two it was like he put the Chuck Norris thing he posted into a word program and replaced all "Chuck Norris" with "Dick Cheney".

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03. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Dick Cheney instead decided to negotiate a no-bid contract his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he became CEO of Haliburton.

08. When Dick Cheney plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather Shotgun Blasts to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he has a no-bid contract to supply oxen, axels, and buffalo meat to other players. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

15. Dick Cheney once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Here is an Accidental Shotgun Blast, get ready for it, you fucking old geezer!"

18. Dick Cheney lives by only one rule: No Blacks, Faggots (except his daughter), no Asians, and No Mexicans (besides his gardener). That is really many rules, but he doesn't give a shit.

20. Dick Cheney can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "A little tough talk in the midst of a campaign or as part of a presidential debate cannot obscure a record of 30 years of being on the wrong side of defense issues.".

21. Dick Cheney is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names, and that only the Ultra-Rich are entitled to either.

24. Dick Cheney said this "At least this much is clear: Had the decision belonged to Senator Kerry, Saddam Hussein would still be in power today in Iraq." Then he accidentally shot John Kerry, which is why his face is so fucked up. He also started a war in Iraq, just because he is such a bad ass.

27. Dick Cheney punched a woman in the vagina when she said she was a democrat.

29. Dick Cheney once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes invading the restaurant, destroying it, and then rebuilding it with a no-bid contract paid for by your tax dollars.

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All I'm saying is that I prefer quality plagerism. After reading the first two it was like he put the Chuck Norris thing he posted into a word program and replaced all "Chuck Norris" with "Dick Cheney".

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I thought about it, but I kept the foot in. He shot his foot back in to time. I wanted it to be basically the same as the Chuck Norris ones, so that it was an obvious parody of them. If I had gone too far away from the original then you'd also claim I was plagurizing there. its obvious parody, not intended to be original, more a cartoonization..

I ended up adding to the final version;

"Dick Cheney once Accidentally Shot someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. This incident was only reported 24 hours from now, because the white house was still gathering facts."

Plus they were using birdshot, not an actual bullet.

I will definitely take suggestions on that one. I will admit its probably the weakest of the bunch.

What I was trying to convey was that even by going back in time, they still don't plan on reporting it until well into the future, and they already have their cover story as to why.

I like that he also went back in time to start the JFK assination. He is just an evil, evil, man.

I am probably going to make a 'Movie' this week, using Peter Molyneaux's "The Movies", called "The Hunting Trip". I've been collecting sound bytes, and I'll probably have to just make up the crotchity old man that gets 'accidentally' hit. I was thinking of doing it either in the style of Roshemon (the old Kurisawa flick) or some kind of strange series of flashbacks from different perspectives. I am on vacation this week, and I have a few days before we head down to Orlando.

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I wanted it to be basically the same as the Chuck Norris ones, so that it was an obvious parody of them. If I had gone too far away from the original then you'd also claim I was plagurizing there.

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So now I'm supposed to feel like a bitch because of only reading two?

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I'd imagine you can't help feeling like a bitch.

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Lastly, don't even think I am going to appologize to you because you were a complete dick to me when I said something about it, then when Ivy kicks in all of a sudden you're all Oh maybe I could use a little help on that one. As far as Ivy goes, she's still cool by me.

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Sorry, I forgot to comment on this. Actually, I hadn't responded at all to your claims of plagurism.

I commented only well after Ivy pointed out the obvious to you.

And no I do not expect an apology.For that I would have to care what you think. The Dick Cheney as the new Chuck Norris thing is funny, but I am hardly offended one way or the other. The idea is to bring people a laugh, not to get into a pissing match, which it seems you want to do.

I'm just touchy about people crying plagiarism ever since finding out that according to university definition, I've plagiarized a good 50% of everything I've ever written, even though ALL of it is my own work and ALL evidence was cited correctly. Their take? If I turn in a paper I wrote for another class, even one written back in elementary school, I've committed plagiarism and will fail the course. Even if I tweak it a bit to update it. Nothing short of a total rewrite would do. Which goes against what I've learned in the other 22 years of school I've had and the dictionary's definition.

That's not to say I'm too lazy to write a new paper, but there have been several occasions where I've been so pressed for time that I had no other choice. And I doubt I'm the only one that's ever done that.

As for Chuck Norris, I think it's been around long enough to hit common knowledge on the net. It's been posted so many times in so many places by so many people that I doubt just by changing "Chuck Norris" to "Dick Cheney" will fool anyone. And, I don't think Kaenash's intention was to pass the work off as his own.

It was simple riffing. I don't want to turn this into a plagurism debate. I lack the vocabulary word for taking an internet fad and then playing around with it/morphing it. There should be a word for it. Like when you combine All Your base are belong to us with the Office Space movie "Stapler" guy, and make "All your Stapler belong to us" in the same style as the Zerowing intro.

I have visions of Saturday night live working like an internet forum;

Some one in the audience yells out during a short skit; "FUCK YOU, THIS FAKE COMMERCIAL IS LIKE WHEN DAN AKROYD BLENDED A FISH! I DIDN'T PAY ATTENTION TO IT ALL, BUT IN THE FIRST 10 SECONDS YOU SAID SPLEESHAK AND SOMETHING ABOUT A BLENDER."

and then the actors in the commercial have to stop and explain that they are riffing off that idea and after 20 boring and pointless pissing matches, no one laughs.

This is like that.

Anyway, I appreciate you explaining it. You do a better job of it than I do.

making up your own Dick Cheney facts is even funnier.

ie :

1. Dick Cheney was responsible for the invention of Coca-Cola, but mostly just the Cocaine part.

2. Dick Cheney invented broccoli.

3. Dick Cheney has never seen "Star Wars"

4. Dick Cheney realizes that all matter is simply energy slowed to a dull vibration, that we are all one consciousness observing itself subjectively, that there's no such thing as death and that we are the imaginations of ourselves.

5. Dick Cheney used to deliver shotguns to children at orphanages for Christmas. After the 17th "Accidental Shooting" he stopped.

6. Dick Cheney wonders about what the meaning of life is. Then he shoots up with quality Kaloni H and takes a long drag on his hand-rolled cigar.

Dick Cheney needs your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle

Dick Cheney once shot a man, just for snoring.

Dick Cheney knows the secret ingredients in KFC's chicken, but he's not telling.

it's good stuff

Dick Cheney was the founding member of the Manhattan Hunt Club. Then he shot all the other members and disbanded due to lack of membership.

Too obscure?

Dick Cheney's Cock is so big, that Dick is not actually his first name.

Dick Cheney believes in the Big Bang theory because the universe was created by one of his beer farts.

Cheney created the heaven and the earth in 7 1/2 years -- barely coming in under the 7-day promise of his contract thanks to creative legislation and endless court processes.

Being an unkind and angry Dick, Cheney sent his only begotten clone to die for the sins of mankind from a shotgun blast in the face.

Dick Cheney was walking down the street one day when someone said to him, "Go fuck yourself, Mr. Cheney." To spite this man, Cheney fucked himself, pulled out, and accidentally shot him in the face.

Dick Cheney accidentally shot a 78-year-old-man in the face and body.

Oh wait, that's true.

Except the part about the accident.

Cheney doesn't make mistakes. Just consider being vice president to George W Bush, the War on Terror, and everything else, for examples of a plan with no failures.

TRUE DAT!

Dick Cheney eats the bottom halves of orphaned children, leaving their torsos atop a mound of entrails. These grisly totems can be found directly outside of and in the hallway to his office.

Dick Cheney once summoned Cthulu into this plane of existence. However, Cthulu was quickly vanquished by Dick Cheney's appearence on CNN, where he reportedly said, "I never summoned Cthulu into this plane of existence, and's it very unamerican of you to say otherwise."

Dick Cheney once joined a comic making website under the name bltsandwich17. Photos of his breasts can still be seen today.

Dick Cheney later rejoined the same site under the name luminous_luciano. However, he was not aware of it. This is because he was under the demonic influence of his adam's apple, "Neck Lump."

Dick Cheney is really Peter McFaddenbrook. He just ripped off the flesh and skin of Dick Cheney and is currently wearing them as a suit.

Dick Cheney knows the aliens' only weakness but isn't telling until he gets exclusive rights to Elian Gonzales.

Dick Cheney is the law in Undisclosed Location.

A devil haunts Dick Cheney in the likeness of Aunt Jemima.

Dick Cheney is the uncredited producer of "Superfreak" by the late Rick James.

Only Dick Cheney knows why the late Rick James had to die.

Dick Cheney is a man of wealth and taste

Dick Cheney has been around for a long, long year

Dick Cheney Stole many a man’s soul and faith

Dick Cheney was around when jesus christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain

Dick Cheney Made damn sure that pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate

Dick Cheney stuck around st. petersburg
When he saw it was a time for a change
Killed the czar and his ministers
Anastasia screamed in vain

Dick Cheney rode a tank

Dick Cheney Held a general’s rank

The Rolling Stones once wrote a song about Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney is knkx.

Dick Cheney is reading this thread right now, while shredding our personal documents.

Dick Cheney frequently travels to "Gitmo" to personally "skull" suspected terrorists.

Dick Cheney knows all the words to the songs of "Rent".

Dick Cheney likes to draw Mohammed cartoons and put them on his website.
Dick Cheney's plans to become president involved a pretzel and a segway but they failed and he managed to make it look like accidents.
Dick Cheney's personal computer weighs two tons mainly because it's powered by 45 Chinese children in a giant treadmill.
Henry Kissinger is afraid to be left alone with Dick Cheney.
Dick Cheney is kept away from mirrors by his staff to protect him from his own vision.
Dick Cheney knows the first 53 digits of pi - personally.
Dick Cheney once shot Janet Reno just to see her die.
Dick Cheney's mother is the babushka woman.
After having written the Magna Carta, Dick Cheney sought greener pastures and coerced Jefferson to write the Declaration of Independence.

Dick Cheney's written songs under the name of Feargal Sharkey