Two balls.

And a big, giant cock.

A mandatory coat of Crisco on every player.

Chickens with lasers on their heads that leap out of the ground at odd moments.

Free Fanta!

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Two balls.

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Two balls.

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And less Germans.

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pwnd.

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And a big, giant cock.

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How to improve soccer? How about:

1: Make the ball egg-shaped.

2: Instead of traditional shirts and shorts, dress the players as gigantic technicolour sofas, resplendent in motor-bike crash helmets, leggings, face-paint, body fat and criminal records.

3: Instead of playing the game over 90 minutes, play the game over three-hundred nine-second bursts. This gives the crowd time for much-needed hotdog and cheeseburger breaks. This is, of course, the real reason why they're here.

4: Let the players use their hands.

5: In fact, reduce the 'kicking the ball' factor to simply hoofing the ball over the bar every so often. This can only be done, however, once a five-minute goal celebration has taken place by the guy who has scored the 'goal-down touch-up' and the crowd have had enough time to order another round of cheeseburgers and weak pissy lager.

6: Give all the teams obnoxious nicknames.

7: Raid the local mall, kidnap the twelve skankiest looking teenagers there, dress them as christmas trees, give them two spray-painted over-fed hamsters each and make them jump about next to the pitch. If this goes well, then why not instruct them to spell the name of the team in comedy micky-mouse accents.

8: Do something about the goals. I mean, an oblong made from wood is just boring, isn't it? What we need to do is turn it upside-down, extend the goalposts three-hundred feet, and give it a penis which juts out towards the crowd and curls round to the floor. This would be a symbol of how watching the game is like being fucked in the ass by a homongulous freak.

9: Take all the nonsensical jargon away. Instead of words like 'goal' (to define 'goal') or 'defender' (to define someone who defends the goal), lets do something different. How about we take a random bum off the street and open a dictionary in front of him on a random page. Then, we bash his face against the dictionary repeatedly. After an hour of this, change to a different page. When the bum dies of blood-loss, we kick him out and open the dictionary at the two blood-splattered pages, and combine the two words on either page which are most visible behind the splatters of blood. These two random, unconnected words will be perfect for defining areas and positions on the pitch, like 'END-ZONE' for 'Goal', 'QUARTER-BACK' for 'Guy who throws the egg', 'TOUCH-DOWN' for 'hey, a guy just ran accross that line' and 'GRID-IRON' for the field.

10: Also, lets use this bum-dictionary-death method to choose the name of this throw-the-ball-to-fat-arsholes-and-dont-kick-it-much game. FOOT-BALL anyone?

Now THAT would be a game that the world would watch. And i mean 'THE WORLD'. It would have global appeal, not like football does now, where its fanbase remains at pitiful 'pretty much everyone except the United States' status. I mean thats just stupid. It must be that the world is wrong and The American People (copyright R. Reagan 1982) are right in their taste, or distaste, for 'SAH-CURR!' as we know it.

If anyone has any queries regarding this post, please email your local high-school massacre.

quote:

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How to improve soccer? How about:

1: Make the ball egg-shaped.

2: Instead of traditional shirts and shorts, dress the players as gigantic technicolour sofas, resplendent in motor-bike crash helmets, leggings, face-paint, body fat and criminal records.

3: Instead of playing the game over 90 minutes, play the game over three-hundred nine-second bursts. This gives the crowd time for much-needed hotdog and cheeseburger breaks. This is, of course, the real reason why they're here.

4: Let the players use their hands.

5: In fact, reduce the 'kicking the ball' factor to simply hoofing the ball over the bar every so often. This can only be done, however, once a five-minute goal celebration has taken place by the guy who has scored the 'goal-down touch-up' and the crowd have had enough time to order another round of cheeseburgers and weak pissy lager.

6: Give all the teams obnoxious nicknames.

7: Raid the local mall, kidnap the twelve skankiest looking teenagers there, dress them as christmas trees, give them two spray-painted over-fed hamsters each and make them jump about next to the pitch. If this goes well, then why not instruct them to spell the name of the team in comedy micky-mouse accents.

8: Do something about the goals. I mean, an oblong made from wood is just boring, isn't it? What we need to do is turn it upside-down, extend the goalposts three-hundred feet, and give it a penis which juts out towards the crowd and curls round to the floor. This would be a symbol of how watching the game is like being fucked in the ass by a homongulous freak.

9: Take all the nonsensical jargon away. Instead of words like 'goal' (to define 'goal') or 'defender' (to define someone who defends the goal), lets do something different. How about we take a random bum off the street and open a dictionary in front of him on a random page. Then, we bash his face against the dictionary repeatedly. After an hour of this, change to a different page. When the bum dies of blood-loss, we kick him out and open the dictionary at the two blood-splattered pages, and combine the two words on either page which are most visible behind the splatters of blood. These two random, unconnected words will be perfect for defining areas and positions on the pitch, like 'END-ZONE' for 'Goal', 'QUARTER-BACK' for 'Guy who throws the egg', 'TOUCH-DOWN' for 'hey, a guy just ran accross that line' and 'GRID-IRON' for the field.

10: Also, lets use this bum-dictionary-death method to choose the name of this throw-the-ball-to-fat-arsholes-and-dont-kick-it-much game. FOOT-BALL anyone?

Now THAT would be a game that the world would watch. And i mean 'THE WORLD'. It would have global appeal, not like football does now, where its fanbase remains at pitiful 'pretty much everyone except the United States' status. I mean thats just stupid. It must be that the world is wrong and The American People (copyright R. Reagan 1982) are right in their taste, or distaste, for 'SAH-CURR!' as we know it.

If anyone has any queries regarding this post, please email your local high-school massacre.

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Lima is the king of the amazingly witty 2,000 word post that I get bored of after reading 2 lines of it.

Bravo!

It sounds like a fun game, though! I'd watch that instead of sah-curr any day.

No cups allowed.

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How to improve soccer? How about:

1: Make the ball egg-shaped.

2: Instead of traditional shirts and shorts, dress the players as gigantic technicolour sofas, resplendent in motor-bike crash helmets, leggings, face-paint, body fat and criminal records.

3: Instead of playing the game over 90 minutes, play the game over three-hundred nine-second bursts. This gives the crowd time for much-needed hotdog and cheeseburger breaks. This is, of course, the real reason why they're here.

4: Let the players use their hands.

5: In fact, reduce the 'kicking the ball' factor to simply hoofing the ball over the bar every so often. This can only be done, however, once a five-minute goal celebration has taken place by the guy who has scored the 'goal-down touch-up' and the crowd have had enough time to order another round of cheeseburgers and weak pissy lager.

6: Give all the teams obnoxious nicknames.

7: Raid the local mall, kidnap the twelve skankiest looking teenagers there, dress them as christmas trees, give them two spray-painted over-fed hamsters each and make them jump about next to the pitch. If this goes well, then why not instruct them to spell the name of the team in comedy micky-mouse accents.

8: Do something about the goals. I mean, an oblong made from wood is just boring, isn't it? What we need to do is turn it upside-down, extend the goalposts three-hundred feet, and give it a penis which juts out towards the crowd and curls round to the floor. This would be a symbol of how watching the game is like being fucked in the ass by a homongulous freak.

9: Take all the nonsensical jargon away. Instead of words like 'goal' (to define 'goal') or 'defender' (to define someone who defends the goal), lets do something different. How about we take a random bum off the street and open a dictionary in front of him on a random page. Then, we bash his face against the dictionary repeatedly. After an hour of this, change to a different page. When the bum dies of blood-loss, we kick him out and open the dictionary at the two blood-splattered pages, and combine the two words on either page which are most visible behind the splatters of blood. These two random, unconnected words will be perfect for defining areas and positions on the pitch, like 'END-ZONE' for 'Goal', 'QUARTER-BACK' for 'Guy who throws the egg', 'TOUCH-DOWN' for 'hey, a guy just ran accross that line' and 'GRID-IRON' for the field.

10: Also, lets use this bum-dictionary-death method to choose the name of this throw-the-ball-to-fat-arsholes-and-dont-kick-it-much game. FOOT-BALL anyone?

Now THAT would be a game that the world would watch. And i mean 'THE WORLD'. It would have global appeal, not like football does now, where its fanbase remains at pitiful 'pretty much everyone except the United States' status. I mean thats just stupid. It must be that the world is wrong and The American People (copyright R. Reagan 1982) are right in their taste, or distaste, for 'SAH-CURR!' as we know it.

If anyone has any queries regarding this post, please email your local high-school massacre.

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Besides, I prefer rugby and hockey. There's just not enough violence in football or American football. Especially not the latter.

Soccer, Man I Lve you Americans!!! America Rules But England Kwl too..Oh and i agree with the german thing laterz!!!
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A Step 4 Man Kind is a waddle for Penguins!!!

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And a big, giant cock.

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And then rename the game "Giant Cock Soccer" ?

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Soccer, Man I Lve you Americans!!! America Rules But England Kwl too..Oh and i agree with the german thing laterz!!!
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A Step 4 Man Kind is a waddle for Penguins!!!

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A more interesting version of soccer:

Now THAT'S fun for the whole family!

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A more interesting version of soccer:

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throw a ball into the middle of this:

or give everyone a single shot pistol

OR

let it be played by naked hotties.

any of these would improve soccer.

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There is no wrong moment for that pic.

...Except maybe for the guy in it.

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Wow...

How long have you been holding on to THAT pic for?

Been waiting for the right moment, have you?

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The man loves penguins... What more can you say?

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Actually, I've used it before. But there's no occasion that it doesn't apply to.

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Exactly!

Excellent post, lima. Nice body of work, all.

[hr]

My initial post was in jest, of course. I'm actually enjoying soccer more now as I become familiar with it. Here are my thoughts about soccer in general and its lack of popularity in the U.S.

1. Still dislike the offside rule. Maybe someone can clarify it for me. Why can't the defense just slack off before a pass is made and force the offense into offside any time it wants?

Also, it would seem that getting by the defense would be a good thing. It's not like there's a big, empty net back there. "Let the goalkeeper do his/her job," is my thought.

Also, also, sometimes offside isn't called at all when it should be. This lack of a call seems to happen more in the later stages of the match. And, yes, why don't NBA refs call fouls on star players? I'm not happy with that crap, either.

2. Hate the acting jobs after tackles. I realize goals are at a premium, but knock it off. I saw Joe Theismann's lower leg snap during an NFL game, and he didn't put on half the show these soccer guys pull. Of course, Joe was probably in shock and couldn't move. :O

3. Stoppage time. Why bother? Let the match last 90 minutes. Penalize a team with loss of possession if they fail to get the ball back onto the pitch in a timely manner.

4. Aside from the US team sucking and blowing at the same time, it's hard for Americans to get into soccer because it's not a TV-friendly sport (plus we didn't "invent" it). I'm not treading over that much-traveled ground.

I think seeing a match in person would be more exciting than watching on the tube. On TV, the camera is always focused on the ball. Because the pitch is so large and the players so spread apart (at times), it's hard getting a sense of what's going on as far as strategy is concerned. Some of the nuances of the game are unfortunately lost.

I know that many of the same people who can't stand soccer will gladly sit through an entire baseball game. Having watched much of this current World Cup, I say there's not much difference between the two. At least in soccer the players run around instead of stand around!

That's all for now.

can we all just face the fact that all sports are boring?

except bar fights of course.

i think maybe soccer bores me because of only using the feet. it's like hockey -- let's get dressed up in skates and go play on the ice while trying to hit something into something using a stick. yay! it's basically testing who's the best at something that no one gives a shit about and doesn't say anything about our hunting gathering days. football tests who can tackle an opponent to the ground or who can makeoff with something in the face of a competing horde. basketball is who can jump the highest and who's the most accurate at throwing something (such as a weapon). even baseball is who can hit something hardest with a club. what's soccer testing? how hard you can kick and accuracy of kick? what does that harken back to? maybe there was some spiked ball weapon out of kenya you kick with your feet circa 3300 bc or something i don't know about. but i put that as likely as an acient stick puck ice weapon recently unearthed in Siberia

I agree with Howard Johnson agreeing with what Olson Johnson just said.

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I agree with Howard Johnson agreeing with what Olson Johnson just said.

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about nothing related to early survival skills being involved with soccer.

the most misunderstood of 'sports'.

soccer would be much cooler if you played it with snow plows and a wrecking ball

like the mayans

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soccer would be much cooler if you played it with snow plows and a wrecking ball

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Give the players spiked gloves and metal cleats and let them fight each other.