This is a thread where you can post all those juicy little tidbits that doesn't really fit anywhere else, even in Announcements. I'll start off:

I have never, ever wished I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner but I wouldn't mind being a ceiling fan.

Sometimes at night I wish I had a really moist brownie instead of bed.

I let my dog hump my leg, but the bitch still gets angry when I hump her leg. What gives?

sometimes in the small hours of the night i wish i had been born around 850 AD or so somewhere in norway.
i wish i'd been a viking.
then i realize that if i'd had a catastrophic back injury like i did in real life that i woulda been a heimnar, living my useless life in shame and scorn and that my only hope of getting into vahalla would've been for my steading to get raided and for me to have been able to strangle one of my attackers with a loop of my own intestine before i succumbed to death.

plus, i enjoy air conditioning way too much.

If I could be any comic book hero, I'd be Nightwing.

MY SHAMEFUL PAUL REVERE ANECDOTES

I once cut a fart so incredibly rank that it travelled back in time and knocked Paul Revere off his horse.

I once travelled back in time to the Revolutionary War, and when Paul Revere came riding by shouting "The British are coming! The British are coming!" I yelled back, "Then tell 'em to stop jackin' off!!! LOL!!!!1!"

I once met a person who proudly claimed to be a direct descendant of Paul Revere, and I said, "Wow! So, are you a huge fucking fag, too?"

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I once met a person who proudly claimed to be a direct descendant of Paul Revere, and I said, "Wow! So, are you a huge fucking fag, too?"

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I once shot a man in Reno just for snoring too loud. He woke up and was all like, "What the..?" but then I threw a knife thru his neck and he was teh killzord.

i threw up Jimmy Hoffa and then broomed him discretely under the rug with the side of my shoe

The superhero I most dream of myself as is Superman.

Turns out I'm now being extorted by aryan gangsters and I'm probably going to have to kill myself. Or someone is talking big shit and is going to die. We'll see which is true in the next couple of days.

I read erotica in barnes and noble (aloud)

The superhero I think of myself as is NFL Superpro!

I was the first woman ever to fly a helicopter upside-down.

I would be in a Girls Gone Wild video for the right price.

I'm probably going to get a sex change by the time I turn 30.

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I would be in a Girls Gone Wild video for the right price.

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I slept in a homemade muscle shirt last night.

you did not!

When I was an intern in the White House, I sucked of George W Bush while he penetrated me with a dildo-shaped bible.

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I'm probably going to get a sex change by the time I turn 30.

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The highlight of my day is when I finish a bag of David's jalapeno salsa sunflower seeds and get to lick my finger and stick it into the bag picking up and remaining artificial flavoring then aforementioned finger into my mouth.

I'm very proud of this:

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I'm very proud of this:

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I'm very proud of this:

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I just flew in from another board where the mods threatened to ban me for obscenity, and boy are my fingers tired! From typing FUCK YOU ASSHOLES.

This one is actually true.

I have two confessions I'd like to get off my chest at this time. They are as follows:

1. GWYNETH PALTROW LIVES IN MY ASSHOLE.

Gwyneth Paltrow lives in my asshole. Sometimes she pops her head out and says "Is Shakespeare still in love?" and I say "Yes...with you, darling." She laughs girlishly and goes back in. For a few moments I get that "have-to-go-to-the-bathroom-real-bad" feeling, but it goes away as soon as she settles down.

2. I WENT TO SEE MY NEIGHBORS' NEW BABY ONE NIGHT, AND...

I took one of those little Fisher-Price piece of shit toys as a gift, but when they opened the door they barely noticed it. They were prancing around like a couple of idiots, gushing about the new baby and how wonderful it was. Well, when they showed it to me I couldn't help wondering what the fuck their major malfunction was.

First off, the damn thing was pretty much the ugliest little fucking toad I ever saw in my life. Second, it smelled like shit -- and not that almost-tolerable grown-up shit smell, but pure, blood-curdling baby shit. And lastly, it was screaming its fucking head off nonstop, setting every nerve in my body on edge.

We had drinks in the livingroom later, and I excused myself to use the bathroom. I passed the baby's room and went in there instead. It was still bawling its fucking head off, driving me out of my mind. So I pulled my pants off and climbed onto the crib, positioning myself right over the baby with my legs wide apart. With a tingle of anticipation, I felt my bowels begin to move. Presently a large, foot-long turd emerged from my asshole, dangled suspensefully for a moment, and then plopped right on the baby's forehead with a dull, firm *splat*. That really set it off, but its cries were humorous and satisfying to me at this point. I waited till its mouth was wide open and then launched the second turd right on target, shutting the little critter up with a muffled gurgling sound. Then I looked up to see the proud parents standing at the door, not quite so proud now -- more like utterly mortified and stricken with a paralyzing horror. With a cute little smile I put my finger under my chin and said, "Aww, look. Baby's first shitface."

I'm surprised that Gwyneth Paltrow did nothing to stop you from taking a shit on that baby. I don't take her as the kind of person who would be into that kind of thing.

Someone named Crabby, but I'm not saying who, MIGHT have forcibly raped me in a dirty laundry chute last night.

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I'm surprised that Gwyneth Paltrow did nothing to stop you from taking a shit on that baby. I don't take her as the kind of person who would be into that kind of thing.

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I've visited biped's asshole. It's actually very well-decorated.

I am proud of my bowel movements.

I live on Wisteria lane and I've kept Mikey G chained in my basement for the last ten months or so. I'm letting him go now. He's learned his lesson...

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2. I WENT TO SEE MY NEIGHBORS' NEW BABY ONE NIGHT, AND...

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Babies look like little drunk Winston Churchills.

I've never seen a baby that didn't look drunk. Someone should look into the alchohol content of womb juice.

I admit it, I sneak into pregnant women's bedrooms at night and inject their wombs with Wild Turkey.

I give 'em the old "hot beef" injection.

BLAHHHH-HA-HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!

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I give 'em the old "hot beef" injection.

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When I was an intern in the White House, I sucked of George W Bush while he penetrated me with a dildo-shaped bible.

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I have two confessions I'd like to get off my chest at this time. They are as follows:

1. GWYNETH PALTROW LIVES IN MY ASSHOLE.

Gwyneth Paltrow lives in my asshole. Sometimes she pops her head out and says "Is Shakespeare still in love?" and I say "Yes...with you, darling." She laughs girlishly and goes back in. For a few moments I get that "have-to-go-to-the-bathroom-real-bad" feeling, but it goes away as soon as she settles down.

2. I WENT TO SEE MY NEIGHBORS' NEW BABY ONE NIGHT, AND...

I took one of those little Fisher-Price piece of shit toys as a gift, but when they opened the door they barely noticed it. They were prancing around like a couple of idiots, gushing about the new baby and how wonderful it was. Well, when they showed it to me I couldn't help wondering what the fuck their major malfunction was.

First off, the damn thing was pretty much the ugliest little fucking toad I ever saw in my life. Second, it smelled like shit -- and not that almost-tolerable grown-up shit smell, but pure, blood-curdling baby shit. And lastly, it was screaming its fucking head off nonstop, setting every nerve in my body on edge.

We had drinks in the livingroom later, and I excused myself to use the bathroom. I passed the baby's room and went in there instead. It was still bawling its fucking head off, driving me out of my mind. So I pulled my pants off and climbed onto the crib, positioning myself right over the baby with my legs wide apart. With a tingle of anticipation, I felt my bowels begin to move. Presently a large, foot-long turd emerged from my asshole, dangled suspensefully for a moment, and then plopped right on the baby's forehead with a dull, firm *splat*. That really set it off, but its cries were humorous and satisfying to me at this point. I waited till its mouth was wide open and then launched the second turd right on target, shutting the little critter up with a muffled gurgling sound. Then I looked up to see the proud parents standing at the door, not quite so proud now -- more like utterly mortified and stricken with a paralyzing horror. With a cute little smile I put my finger under my chin and said, "Aww, look. Baby's first shitface."

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1) On nights with a full moon, I watch choadwarrior sleep in his bed.

2) I own a T-Mobile Sidekick 2 and I'm on AOL Instant Messenger 24/7. Message me sometime. ;)

3) That Hansel, he's so hot right now.

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Babies look like little drunk Winston Churchills.

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It's true:

(that's m' boy)

1. I think professional photographs are a serious waste of money, especially in the age of photoshop and like programs.

2. I don't believe family history means anything when it comes to diseases/terminal illness/etc. If we're all only 50th cousins to each other (or 16th cousins, as some geneticists are trying to prove), then we all have a family history of everything.

I find constipation to be hugely erotic.

When I scratch my ass, I always smell my fingers

I voted for Ned Lamont today, and I'm proud of it.

I look at porn. A lot.

I masturbated in fuzzyman's vegetable garden today, and I'm proud of it.