*PREHEAT TO 450 DEGREES*
1) grab a child quickly off the streets
2) ditch getaway vehicle and swap for pre-stolen substitute
3) threaten president of inconsequential country
4) set fire to the entire fucking thing
5) bribe the local priest
6) make sacrifice to dark pagan gods (remember to wear goat-leggings))
7) repeat step 2, but do it drunk.
8) bathe one earth city in holy, cleansing fire (ulutate repeatedly)
9) buy a needy child a starving puppy
10) unleash the fire ants while playing mad tunes on your outlaw bagpipes
11) intimidate the smaller vegetables while ingratiating yourself with the gourds.
12) cultivate large areas of recreational marijuana to share with the plebian masses
13) turn potatoe over and poke at its soft, white underbelly.
14) gas dem jews, repeat if necessary. (if you're jewish, pretend you didn't read this. seriously.)
15) avenge your grandad's accidental mauling, but only using a maggot gun.
16) grease the ceremonial totem and lie in wait for a careless forest god to show up and regret it.
17) lovingly baste the carrot with subtlety flavored broths. tell it you care for it frequently.
18) sharpen its claws and double check its harness for the upcoming battle. make sure its hooves are free of stones and splits.
19) tell the potatoe it's a bad potatoe and deserves to be punished, then give it a taste of the lash. it will end up begging for more...
20) replenish your ammo supply at the nearest gun-cult and thank their sun-king.
21) negotiate better wages with a local corporate rep, then maim him with home made orange juice concentrate napalm.
22) believe in jesus because he has a 4% better prayer answering ratio than your average rock
23) take potatoes out of oven and completely submerge them in melted butter for 4 minutes
24) chastise them for not being sweet potatoes. no dessert.
25) remove from melted butter, slather with sour crem, assassinate religious figure, enjoy.
that's how its done comrade.
