Forum archives » General Discussion » Life Lessons

umfumdisi
July 7, 2007 9:32 PM

Here are a few things I've learned so far during my visit upon Planet Earth. Feel free to share your own...

01) Even though it may seem like she's asking for it directly, a woman doesn't really want a man's advice on how to fix her problem(s). She just wants him to listen and empathize.

02) You can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd.

03) Money may not buy happiness, but it can obtain some damn fine substitutes.

04) When in doubt, add dijon mustard.

05) I certainly don't mean to pick on one of my favorite strippers, but when your comics look like this /comics/mandingo/399492/ because you've changed a significant portion of text, merely choosing the thought balloon option and then switching back to the dialogue option will fix the problem immediately. Of course, if I'm the only one seeing these "hanging brads," then I've shared another important life lesson: Don't forget I'm an idiot.

Post #248925link

ivytheplant
July 8, 2007 10:13 AM

quote:

umfumdisi wrote:
02) You can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd.

Now you tell me.

Post #248953link

AngryAmerican
July 8, 2007 2:44 PM

but you can buffalo a rollerskate herd.

i know this because i did it once or twice

Post #248970link

mandingo
July 8, 2007 3:05 PM

quote:

umfumdisi wrote:
05) I certainly don't mean to pick on one of my favorite strippers, but when your comics look like this /comics/mandingo/399492/ because you've changed a significant portion of text, merely choosing the thought balloon option and then switching back to the dialogue option will fix the problem immediately. Of course, if I'm the only one seeing these "hanging brads," then I've shared another important life lesson: Don't forget I'm an idiot.
i don't see it, so it might be you. unless everyone else does then it might be me. i'm not sure what you mean by "changed a significant portion of text" though. i don't remember editing that comic after the fact.

i'm running firefox so i've given up on having comics look normal to me. i have an add-on that will render a page in IE, so i hit that button to quickly check whether it overlaps too much, then i rush back to the milk and honey shores of firefox

Post #248973link

attitudechicka
July 8, 2007 5:39 PM

Nothing looks weird to me here.

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boloboffin
July 8, 2007 6:20 PM

My only rule in life:

Check for toilet paper first.

Post #248984link

biped
July 8, 2007 6:54 PM

Sometimes I see the hanging brads, and sometimes I don't.  They are a maddeningly elusive phenomenon.

Post #248985link

faggot
July 8, 2007 8:53 PM

Don't tell jokes about Mexicans to large groups of people in Southern California

Post #248992link

AngryAmerican
July 9, 2007 12:26 AM

Q) what do you get when you cross a mexican and an octopus?

A) i don't know either, but it sure can pick a lot of cabbage

Post #248996link

pita
July 9, 2007 1:51 AM

You cannot direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Post #248997link

Zaster
July 9, 2007 3:11 AM

Post #248998link

faggot
July 9, 2007 3:49 AM

quote:

Zaster wrote:
90% of everything is crap.

Genius

Post #248999link

ivytheplant
July 9, 2007 11:09 AM

90% of the internet is crap? No way!

I'm not sure if I really learned any life lessons other than "don't trust anyone," but I can offer the advice I gave my brother when my mom made me talk to him about sex:

"Do what you want, how you want, where you want, with who you want, as long as you're not stupid."

She wasn't happy about it, but I figured that covers everything from safe sex to murdering hookers. 

Post #249010link

HCRoyall
July 9, 2007 12:12 PM

quote:

ivytheplant wrote:

I figured that covers everything from safe sex to murdering hookers.


It's only murder if they're people. The best they can get you for if you get caught murdering a hooker is cruelty to animals.

On that note, my mother always told me that it's only a crime if you get caught. Mostly she said this when I was a teenager and she knew she couldn't stop me from doing illegal things but would rather she never find out about them.

Post #249012link

LuckyGuess
July 9, 2007 3:05 PM

No matter what you pull, there are always a couple choice words that will buy you enough time to make a break for it.

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The_young_scot
July 9, 2007 3:07 PM

One night when I was going to a party and staying the night, my mum just suddenly gave me a knowing look and said "Be careful". This is pretty much the closest I've ever came to having a "birds and bee's" talk. Which is fine by me.

 

My dad still refuses to admit to us that he's had sex.

 

I know. I know.

Post #249016link

ivytheplant
July 9, 2007 5:41 PM

quote:

The_young_scot wrote:

My dad still refuses to admit to us that he's had sex.


Mine does too. It embarasses him very muchly. That's why I ended up giving my brother "the talk." Though apparently texting him with "I just got laid!" at 8am wasn't something he cared to know.

That would be my advice. Always give your relatives TMI. That way, they decide it's better to leave you alone than risk hearing about your night with the Thai ladyboy.

Post #249021link

mandingo
July 9, 2007 5:59 PM

never rub another man's rhubarb

Post #249024link

The_young_scot
July 10, 2007 6:12 AM

quote:

ivytheplant wrote:
That way, they decide it's better to leave you alone than risk hearing about your night with the Thai ladyboy.

 

But it's such a good story!

Post #249037link

jes_lawson
July 10, 2007 2:19 PM

quote:

ivytheplant wrote:
quote:

The_young_scot wrote:

My dad still refuses to admit to us that he's had sex.


Mine does too. It embarasses him very muchly. That's why I ended up giving my brother "the talk." Though apparently texting him with "I just got laid!" at 8am wasn't something he cared to know.

That would be my advice. Always give your relatives TMI. That way, they decide it's better to leave you alone than risk hearing about your night with the Thai ladyboy.


There's a backstory to this, surely. 

Post #249054link

ivytheplant
July 10, 2007 5:40 PM

No real backstory. Just combined my mom making the mistake of asking me and boorite what we were doing in my bedroom and one time when I stumbled across my dad's photo album from Vietnam which included pictures of some very interesting entertainment practices. I'm pretty sure they were women, but again, have you ever seen a ladyboy?

Post #249062link

umfumdisi
July 10, 2007 9:26 PM

quote:

mandingo wrote:
never rub another man's rhubarb

When I write the Rhubarb Bible, that will be the first commandment.

 

Post #249066link

umfumdisi
July 10, 2007 9:32 PM

quote:

mandingo wrote:

i don't see it, so it might be you. unless everyone else does then it might be me. i'm not sure what you mean by "changed a significant portion of text" though. i don't remember editing that comic after the fact.

i'm running firefox so i've given up on having comics look normal to me. i have an add-on that will render a page in IE, so i hit that button to quickly check whether it overlaps too much, then i rush back to the milk and honey shores of firefox


On Firefox it's not showing up. On IE, I see them quite often. I've noticed it happen to my comics while creating them. If I have a medium-sized block of text and change it or change the size of the comic background, then the arrow part of the dialogue balloon shows up inside the text.

Perhaps it's merely time to get a newer, less-crappy computer.

[hr]

Another life lesson: Assuming makes an Ass out of U and Ming.

Post #249067link

ivytheplant
July 11, 2007 12:55 AM

quote:

umfumdisi wrote:

Another life lesson: Assuming makes an Ass out of U and Ming.


Except on the internet where it just makes one person an ass and they don't realize it and make a further ass of themselves when they don't get it. Which is always hilarious to watch.

Life Lessons: The Internet Version should be one line that says: "Stay away from the internet."

Post #249071link

christopher7murphy
July 11, 2007 9:40 AM

1) Don't tug on Superman's cape

2) Don't spit into the wind

3) Don't pull your weiner out in public with the ol Lone Ranger (and if you do, make sure you're wearing a mask)

4) Don't mess around with Jim

 Especially the 'spitting into the wind' part...

Post #249073link

choadwarrior
July 11, 2007 7:12 PM

quote:

christopher7murphy wrote:

3) Don't pull your weiner out in public with the ol Lone Ranger (and if you do, make sure you're wearing a mask)


When I went to San Diego State, there was a guy who would wear nothing by jogging shorts and a Lone Ranger mask who would jerk off while peeping in girl's windows (and once on a street corner while looking in a girl's car at a stoplight). When he would get caught, he'd pull up the jogging shorts and run away.

Campus police dubbed him, "The Lone Wanker."

Post #249091link

Zaster
July 12, 2007 6:08 AM

quote:
Campus police dubbed him, "The Lone Wanker."

Poor guy. It's been mighty lonely on the trail since Tonto ran off to Red Rock to open that casino.

 

Post #249102link

HCRoyall
July 12, 2007 8:00 AM

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and the world laughs at the YouTube video of what made you cry.

Post #249104link

mandingo
July 12, 2007 2:23 PM

quote:
Campus police dubbed him, "The Lone Wanker."
i'd have gone with "The Bone Ranger" or maybe "Eccentric Uncle Ralph"

Post #249117link

Humpenstein
July 13, 2007 5:51 PM

1. You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't be president if your black.

2. If you feel lucky, pull the trigger.

When dealing with women: Good from far is almost always far from good.

 

And when dealing with the internet: Never talk to strangers.

 

Post #249148link

LuckyGuess
July 13, 2007 5:54 PM

Yeah, no strangers asshole.

Post #249149link

LuckyGuess
July 13, 2007 5:55 PM

Sick burn right there.

Post #249150link

umfumdisi
July 23, 2007 10:56 PM

Don't Know Where To Post This So I'll Bump My Own Thread

or ... You're A Book Store Thief, Aint'cha?

[hr]

Victim and Thief Meet Again at Bookstore

PRESCOTT, Ariz. - A woman whose purse was stolen and the thief who took it inadvertently stood next to each other at a Prescott bookstore - she to complain about the unauthorized use of her credit card, he to get some cash.

The 59-year-old victim went to Hastings Books and Music on Tuesday to tell the store that someone had stolen her purse and used her credit card to buy $200 in DVDs.

Minutes later, while the woman was standing there, a man came up to the counter and tried to return eight DVDs in exchange for cash. The two didn't recognized each other, and the woman even politely made room for the man when he walked up.

When the manager came to handle both transactions, she connected the dots.

It was "as if the world had stopped," said Susan Murphy, another customer who had been browsing through magazines.

The manager "looked at the receipt, looked at the elderly lady and then at the young man standing next to her and said, 'This is the transaction,'" Murphy said. "It just blew us all away."

That's when the man rushed out of the store. Police arrived and eventually caught up with him.

The 22-year-old man admitted to police that he had stolen the purse and used the woman's credit card at the bookstore, a grocery store and a Wal-Mart. Police said the purchases added up to $716.

The suspect's name had not been released.

-------------------------------------------------------

Lesson: Never return to the scene of a crime, dumbass! 

Post #249597link

ivytheplant
July 23, 2007 11:40 PM

Also, if you're going to steal someone's credit card, for god's sake, spend your ill-gotten gains somewhere other than Wal-Mart!

Post #249599link

boloboffin
July 23, 2007 11:49 PM

Well, the idea is that you buy things from wherever, and then return the actual items for cash. You don't return everything, just enough to get a good chunk of change.

I didn't know that scam would work with credit cards though - I thought it took a check. With credit cards, the stores can issue a reimbursement for the amount refunded.

I hope this doesn't give any of you ideas.

Post #249600link

boorite
July 24, 2007 1:43 PM

Church bells go "dong."

Post #249624link

ivytheplant
July 24, 2007 1:54 PM

Yeah, but I still would have gone and bought some decent expensive electronics from a decent electronics store. Not freaking groceries. Think big, people!

Post #249627link

mandingo
July 24, 2007 6:59 PM

quote:

boorite wrote:
Church bells go "dong."
as do the priests

Post #249654link

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