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Rebuttals are welcome. And how do you like my spiffy English accent!

It's like I speak the lingo!

I think we should have more strips for our friends from across the pond.

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Screw the Welsh, nobody likes them anyway.

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Just a British-Scottish joke I just heard:

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: "I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could right between his legs.

The Englishman fell to the ground clutching himself and howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now its my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."

Good joke.

Maybe you islanders can answer something for me. There's an old American tune about an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman who go hunting. They see various things - a frog for example.

The Irishman identifies the thing correctly ("It's a frog").

The Scotsman says "Nay."

Then the Welshman says something completely fucked ("It's a jaybird with the feathers torn away").

Any feedback about the personalities involved? Or was it arbitrary?

Another one:

There was an Englishman, Scots and a Welsh man walking along the border between England and Wales, when suddenly a Genie appears. The Genie says, "You all have one wish"

"OK" says the Scot, "I wish I lived in a castle and the moat was full of whiskey." Suddenly he vanishes off to the castle.

"OK" says the Englishman, "I hate the Welsh, and I wish there was a wall around England to keep the buggers out". Suddenly, a huge wall appears next to the two men.

"Right" says the Genie to the Welshman, "Your wish?"

"Hang on a second" says the Welshman, "Tell me about this wall"

"Well", says the Genie, "It's 100 feet high, 200 feet thick, and nothing can get in or out."

"Well in that case" says the Welshman, "Fill it with water."

Chor-tul.
Normally it's the Irish who are the butt of these jokes, not the Welsh. Allow me to relate such a tale:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman and a Welshman were travelling in an aircraft that went out of control and was about to crash.

To their dismay, they discovered that there were only three parachutes in the plane. The Scotsman argued that he ought to have one since he was a very important businessman whose death would result in the collapse of the stockmarket. So the Welshman handed him over the first parachute and he baled out.

Next the Irishman argued that he should be given a parachute. He was an important politician upon whom all hope of peace in Ireland rested. The Irishman silently put the straps over his shoulders and he jumped out after the Scotsman.

The Welshman now turned to the Englishman and handed him a parachute. "Here you are!" he said cheerfully.

"But what about you?" gasped the Englishman, amazed at this unflinching heroism.

"Oh, I'll be all right," said the Welshman. "The Irishman took my haversack."

Three builders, a Scotsman, and Englishman and an Irishman are sitting at the top of some scaffolding on their lunch break.

The Scotsman opens his lunch box, "for fuck sake, cheese sandwiches again, every day for the past 30 years my wife's made me cheese sandwiches, if I get the same tomorrow, I'm jumping off this building!"

The Englishman opens his lunch box, "corned beef again, every day for the past 30 years I've had corned beef sandwiches, if I get the same tomorrow, I'm jumping off this building with you!"

The Irishman opens his lunch box, "fucking tuna fish, every day for the past 30 years I've had tuna fish, if I get it again tomorrow, I'll jump with you!"

the next day the three builders sit down to lunch, the Scotsman opens his lunchbox, sure enough it's cheese sandwiches, "right, fuck this" and he jumps, falling to his death.

The Englishman opens his lunchbox, to no surprise, it's corned beef, he throws away his lunch box and jumps to his death.

The Irishman opens his lunchbox and it's tuna fish, he sighs and dives head first off the scaffolding and splats on the ground below.

At the funeral the 3 men's wives are talking, the Scotsman's wife says "I can't believe it, if only Hamish had told me he was unhappy, I'd have made him something different", the Englishman's wife says "I know, Eric never said a word"...

The Irishman's wife buts in, "I just don't understand it, Paddy made his own sandwiches!"

A quick lesson on how to speak Strayan...

> G-day, Mates.

Incorrect. While "G'day mate" is an ideal singular greeting, it does not translate to a group greeting, which would instead be any of a number of greeatings, such as "G'day all", "G'day fellas", or just a simple "G'day".

> Today I'm going to do something

No, you're "gunna" do "summin".

> guaranteed

Far too long a word. "Sure-fire" is far more suitable, or even just "sure".

> to impress the Sheilas

Capitalising "sheilas"? Get off it, mate - you'll give em ideas!

> I'm going to stick my head

Never use "my - it's always "me". That should probably be "ead", too - we Aussies don't think much of word-initial Hs.

> in a crocodile's mouth.

"crocodile" = "croc" in 99% of cases.

> Crikey

"Crikey" is a euphemsim for "Christ", just like "far out" is a euphemism for "fuck". Aussies don't need any fuckin euphemisms.

> That's a big croc!

Better.

Now, the corrected version...

G-day, all. Today I'm gunna do summin sure to impress the sheilas out of their knickers. I'm gunna stick me 'ead in a croc's mouth. Fuck, that's a big croc!

Far out = fuck?

Far out!

like far out it means that

It seems that "far out" needs a spell checker. How may I help?

Say "fuck".

Now say "faaahk" in that "I can't fucking believe this!" kind of way.

Now say "faaaaah" without the "k" on the end.

Getting it now?

It probably didn't start as a euphemism, but that is how it is used in Australia these days, in the manner of swearing subsitutes that start with the same sound as the offending term. Other common ones include "sugar" and "sharpbits" instead of "shit", and "fudge" for "fuck".

*rereads what he just wrote*

Mr Selective Quote is going to enjoy this one.

That fat guy on Home and Away always calls people "flamin' mongrels". He must not be a real Aussie.

Alf only uses "flamin" because of the timeslot. :)

Didn't he die then get found washed up on a beach in Tazmania 8 years later?

I guess he got tired of doing Pantomimes in the UK.

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Didn't he die then get found washed up on a beach in Tazmania 8 years later?

I guess he got tired of doing Pantomimes in the UK.

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