Should the topic be "I need advice bad!"? I mean it sounds like you are looking for advice that is not good at all, as in bad advice.
Well, what the hell would I know I suck at grammar. Anyway if you really are looking for bad advice:
Put your penis in one of those "plug-it-in, plug-it-in" things. Holy motherfuckers does that burn.
PS. For extra shock plug it in to the socket.