All comics by Namgubed

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by Namgubed
10-01-01
This is a test of the Emergency Namgubed Comic System.
Beeeeeep.
If this had been an actual comic, you might have laughed.

 

by Namgubed
10-02-01
The Rambo Connection
o/` Why are there so many flicks about Rambo... o/`
o/` ... and Bronson on mass killing sprees? o/`
o/` Some day we'll find it... o/`
o/` The Rambo Connection... o/`
o/` Sylvester, Charles Bronson, o/`
o/` ... and me! o/`

 

by Namgubed
10-02-01
Time waneth.
And the moon waneth.
Yet time waneth not like unto the moon...
... and the waning thereof...
... until now.

 

by Namgubed
10-02-01
Bongo watches naughty TV.
Ooh, mama.
So who's the guilty party here, myself for watching sordid TV...
... or Clinton for getting a blow job on C-SPAN?

 

by Namgubed
10-02-01
OK, one more time, and that's it.
Are you an orange?
Ho ho ho ho ho ....
Ask me if I'm an orange.
No? ... Damn!!
Well, don't look at me!

 

by Namgubed
10-04-01
Forsooth! A pox o' both thy houses, I am spent!
But not too thriftily, I'd say.
The very mesh of the fabric of my life doth unravel verily as my ichorous blood fills the gutters; my life doth wane, but not like unto the moon and the waning thereof...
..............
But like unto the sand in the hourglass, yea, even like unto the swirling vortex of fouled water passing through the toilet bowl of infinity.
You need any help with hammering that nail?

 

by Namgubed
10-04-01
Several hours later...
Oh, woe is me! A pin has popp'd my life's balloon, my blood flows a crimson tide which ebbs with an oil slick aflame not unlike the sulphurous pits of hell.
My painfully mortal body is spent like a drunken sailor's wages, as blue streaks he curses at nymphomaniac prostitutes whose beauty is evident only with the influence of a fermented grain variety.
The die is cast; I've crossed the murky Styx. Don't pay the ferryman; bury me not on the lone prairie; spit not upon my grave, nor misspell my tombstone; my epitaph shall be, "long winded but pith
Uh -- yeah.

 

by Namgubed
10-04-01
Two weeks later...
Lo, this barbarous shaft has mortally pierced my cranium; my fated greymatter is rent asunder; my life's flame is snuffed like an unwished-upon birthday candle.
As surely as yon lengthy fairy tale closes with those fateful words, "The End," my life ...
Say hello to Mr. Hand Grenade, ass!
But I can't die; I'm a thespian!
... and a blood-sucking freak.

 

by Namgubed
10-04-01
The

 

by Namgubed
10-04-01
The Apes of Wrath
Grrr...
Rahrr...
YOUR NAME HERE

 

by Namgubed
10-04-01
Cue "Benson" theme music.
This is getting monotonous.
BENSON!!
Cue studio audience laughter.
What do you want, Clayton, you paramecium?
Benson, the Governor wants to see you!
Cue studio audience applause.
Can't you see that I'm taking a dump?
Benson, you silly person of color!

 

by Namgubed
10-04-01
Hey, Joe! Do you want to hear a joke?
NO! NEVER!!
Aw, c'mon! It's really funny.
Please, for the love of God, don't make me pull the pin on this hand grenade...
Did you hear the one about the rabbi and... _______________ Works every time!

 

by Namgubed
10-04-01
Primarily, Pauline pilfered the perilously persnickety plums plum off'n peddler and panhandler Poindexter's pernicious perambulator.
Stop, thief!
So long, sucker!
She then proceded to peddle the pilfered plums for profit. However, Peter Piper, who packed a peck of pestilence-ridden pepperoni, provided the prosecution with pilfered plum & pepperoni pizza.
Plums for sale, dammit!
C'mon over!
Wheretofore the poultry of paradise was purposefully plucked of psychedelic plumes portrayed with a particularly plentiful portion of pulchritude.
Just hold still ...
Ouch!

 

by Namgubed
10-05-01
Mommy, where do babies come from? _______________ What's a #*%&ing ass?
Out of your #*%&ing ass! _______________ Go ask your father, you miserable little crumb crusher!
Vexatious little brat. Just like her father.
I knew it! Babies come from Mommies!
D-oh!

 

by Namgubed
10-17-01
Bert, what are you eating?
A can of tuna.
Bert, if you eat that tuna, it becomes part of you; thus, the phrase, "you are what you eat."
Do you know what this means? Bert! You're a tuna!
No.

 

by Namgubed
10-18-01
Equality. Does it exist in the realm we know as the observable universe, or is it, like Xanadu, abstract and esoteric?
"One and one are two," go the old sayings of yore, but the question is: one of what?
Let us say, e.g., that we are adding apples. But are any two apples, not unlike snowflakes, exactly equal? How, therefore, may they be accurately added?
Even those of us who are "identical" twins are not fully equal... right, Gabe?
Yeah, whatever.

 

by Namgubed
10-21-01
The butcher shop was cold and gray as through the glass pane door I stepped; past sides of beef I made my way to where the somniferous butcher slept.
Somewhere in the coffee house, an eyebrow rises.
With gritted teeth, an iron will, and planted feet, I stood that night; the desktop bell rang loud and shrill as I slammed it with a heavy right.
To be continued...
He flinched and rang his register; my frame he curiously eyed. I said, "I want some steak, mister." And coldly, "Your papers," he replied.

 

by Namgubed
10-21-01
His accent was a heavy German, a long, white blood-stained coat he wore; he had the nose of Ethel Merman, his rubber gloves were soaked with gore.
My billfold held my papers which I then procured with dexterous hand. "They're not in order," he said, as an itch he scratched at, near his thyroid gland.
"They are in order!" "No, they're not," he cried, as his chainsaw he whipped out. But to ripcord-yanking ere he got, I blew away his Merman snout.
I holstered my gun as he fell to the floor. I took his chainsaw and vehemently slashed the sides of beef, from which did pour the k's of hash so cleverly stashed. ...Thank you.
You suck!

 

by Namgubed
11-01-01
Meanwhile, back in India...
I heard that Gandhi never wore shoes, making the skin on the soles of his feet really thick.
Right...
And that his meager diet gave him bad breath, and caused his body to be thin and frail.
Uh-huh...
Trust me, it's funnier in Hindi.
So I guess that would make him a...
Super calloused fragile mystic vexed with halitosis?

 

by Namgubed
11-01-01
Hey, Russ! Let's go elephant hunting in Kenya.
I dunno, I heard the game wardens there are really cracking down.
Really? Is it that bad?
Let's just say that they're not very...
Tip o' the hat to Rob
... keen on ivory weigh-ins!
Hey, is this the secret bad pun burial ground?

 

by Namgubed
11-01-01
Yet another DFC rip-off...
That's strange...
... I feel like I'm being watched by something that refers to itself in the third person.
The psychic fern lay in waiting. Its time would come, its time would come.

 

by Namgubed
11-05-01
Wizard of Oz, 2139 AD
Have you seen my dog Toto, Mr. Tin Woodsman?
Well, Dorothy, I did see something lyng on a tree stump a while back..
Messiest cord of dogwood I ever chopped.
You have no heart, Mr. Tin Woodsman.
But you knew that already.

 

by Namgubed
11-06-01
Would you mind terribly if we ate your son, Mrs. Cleaver?
Maybe the Cowardly Lion can remember: 1) Your name, 2) Where we're from, and 3) the names of those other two guys.
Woof!
I believe in God the Father almighty...

 

by Namgubed
11-07-01
I can't believe it! Here I am, just driving along, minding my own business...
When a truck loaded with semi-frozen research embryos jack-knifes on the highway right in front of me!
It's gonna be a bitch cleaning those tires...

 

by Namgubed
11-07-01
In the end...
It's not whether you win or lose...
IT'S HOW YOU CORNHOLE THEIR DEAD BODIES!!!!!!!

 

by Namgubed
11-08-01
Another industrial ugly norning...
I'd like to place an ad in the personals: "Single Very Thin Gentleman wishes to meet Single Woman who's good with a comb, possible Long Term Relationship."
Your non-existant hairline renders a comb utterly useless!
That's what she thinks. Meanwhile, at a rock concert, Identity Pilfering takes an unexpected turn...
Introducing someone who's got heavy metal coursing through her veins; a new bass player for Limp Bizkit: Chen Ho Park's little sister, Kim!
It's not what you know, it's whose name you drop! Is that such a sin?
Kindly refrain from hurling rotten vegetables in my general direction.
You suck !

 

by Namgubed
11-08-01
Ready to play Robo-Battleship? All right, then, everything's set. Loser has to finish washing the dishes!
BUT TOBOR'S KNOWLEDGE OF BATTLESHIP IS LACKING!!!!!
OK, say for example that my battleship was located on the grid in squares B-2 through B-6...
B-2, B-3, B-4, B-5, B-6!!!!! FATALITY!!!!! I WIN!!!!!
Oh, well, back to the kitchen.
ALL YOUR BATTLESHIP ARE SINK BY US!!!!!

 

by Namgubed
11-13-01
Previously, in 1492, aboard the Santa Maria...
Land ho!! Why, I can practically see Ohio, Columbus!
That's "Columbus, Ohio."
And many fathoms beneath that famous keel...
You know you can't re-enter Marine Paradise without your musical instrument! Now, where is it?
I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco!
Meanwhile, back in Spain, children are called inside for supper.
A comér! Ven acá, Luís y Anna!
Si, Mamá!

 

by Namgubed
11-15-01
Meanwhile, at the house made of wood...
o/` Who's afraid of the Big Evil Dan? Tra la la la la... o/`
Little pig, little pig let me in!
Not by the cheese underneath my foreskin!
Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow...
Why didn'cha say so in the first place? Bring your bitch ass in here and get to work!
There's got to be a better way to make a living...

 

by Namgubed
11-15-01
Excuse me, ma'am, I was following this rabbit, you see, and I fell down a hole, and I asked for help, and nobody would, because everybody hates me...
Silence! I am the Queen of Hearts, and you will address me as 'Your Majesty'! Now, what is your name, little girl?
If it please your majesty, my name is Alison... Alison Wonderland.
There is but one penalty for bad puns...
Uh-oh...
OFF WITH HER HEAD!!!

 

by Namgubed
11-16-01
Old Mother Hubbard went to her cupboard to get her poor dog a bone,
I'm not old! I'm not even 37!
pork chops... Polish sausage... da Bearsss...
But when she got there, the cupboard was bare,
You ate the last chunk of government cheese, didn't you?
whimper
So she sent the dog outside to play with Tobor.
RARRR! YOU ARE THE DOG WHO WANTED A BONE, YES?
Relp! Raggy!

 

by Namgubed
11-25-01
What if the role of Inspector Javert in the opening scene...
Now bring me prisoner 24601. Your time is up and your parole's begun. You know what that means...
Yes! It means I'm free.
... was played by...
No! It means you get your yellow ticket-of-leave...
Now bring me prisoner 24601. Your time is up and your parole's begun. You know what that means...
Mr. Garrison from South Park?
Yes! It means I'm free.
NO! YOU GO TO HELL! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!!

 

by Namgubed
11-26-01
What if, in the Confrontation scene...
Valjean, at last we see each other plain. "Messieur le Mayor," you'll wear a different chain!
D-oh!
The roles of Javert and Valjean were played by...
--shuffle--
--shuffle--
Civil War soldiers?
Valjean, at last we see each other plain.
Get lost, or else I'll bayonet your brain!

 

by Namgubed
11-26-01
What if the roles of Mr. and Mme. Thénardier...
Everybody bless the landlord, everybody bless his spouse! Everybody raise a glass!
Raise it up the master's arse!
... were played by...
--shuffle--
--shuffle--
Bill Clinton and Janet Reno?
Everybody raise a glass!
Raise it up the master's arse! ... On second thought, he'd probably enjoy that.

 

by Namgubed
11-26-01
And of course, just about everybody in New York...
I'll escape now from that world, from the world of Jean Valjean...
wishes that in Javert's suicide scene, the role of Javert were played by...
There is nowhere I can turn, there is no way to go...
Hillary Clinton.
oooooooonnnnn!

 

by Namgubed
11-26-01
What if, in the "On My Own" scene...
... without me, his world will go on turning -
the role of Eponine was played by...
A world that's full of happiness that I have never known!
One of the nuns from Sister Act?
I love him, I love him, I love him, but only on my own........ --snif--
I love him, I love him, I love him, and where he goes I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow...

 

by Namgubed
11-29-01
'Twas a week before Christmas, but no cards I wrote, No letters, epistles, or even a note.
I'd just buy some at the store, but I'm way too cheap to be non-creative.
My forehead was knotted and furrowed with care, Because there was nary an idea there.
THIS SPACE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK -- ALMOST.
I use my computer to make all my cards, But my imagination lay broken in shards. With me and my PC alone in my house, No keyboard was clicking, not even ... well, you get the picture.
*sigh*
*groan*

 

by Namgubed
11-29-01
The graphics software screen did suddenly waver, And up popped my personal slideshow screen saver.
Mmm, fractal art ...
*bloop* *thud* ...
When from the back yard there came such a strange noise, I plumb disregarded my slick high-tech toys.
It is now safe to shut down Windows...
The moon through the clouds shed a dim light. In fact I Could barely make out large mesquite trees and cacti.
Well, this IS set in Arizona, you know.

 

by Namgubed
11-29-01
An ethereal hum broke the calm silent night, And something emerged from a blue sphere of light!
When what to my wondering eyes should appear But a miniature dude with two big pointy ears!
Ta-da!
Dude, no way!
He leapt toward the window, and as he came to it, I thought it would break, but he simply passed through it!
*Bamf!*
Dude, it's called "Windex." Look into it.

 

by Namgubed
11-29-01
He shouted,
No need to be frightened and tragic, Breaking and entering's my kind of magic! In more secure buildings, I've been at their bowels. Why, you should check out my collection of towels!
(Trust me - it's a long story that doesn't bear repeating at this point in time.)
My chin hit the floor as I saw his eyes gleaming. I pinched myself and exclaimed,
Surely I'm dreaming!
He said,
You arrive at conclusions too early. Don't make me remind you my name is not Shirley!
*groan*

 

by Namgubed
11-30-01
His brain power's "E" near equaled "mc³ ". I knew in a moment it must be Namgubed! His bright emerald visage gave off a faint glow, And his neatly wrapped present was tied in a bow.
It's not for you, I just carry it around wherever I go.
Okay...
His red tasseled hat and his pupils like cherries Reminded me why he's called Namgubed the Merry. So bubbly and pert was the figure I saw, Despite me, I scarcely suppressed a guffaw.
What?
*snkkkt*
Replied he, "Don't laugh," in the tone of a scold,
YOU try looking this good at nine hundred years old!
(Well, SOMEone had to do a Yoda reference.)

 

by Namgubed
11-30-01
I see that you're troubled by writing a letter.
I begged him,
I'm sure you could write it much better.
Quoth he,
Your could increase your argument's leverage If you would prepare for me one Lovely Beverage.
One Lovely Beverage comin' right up...

 

by Namgubed
11-30-01
I made some hot cocoa and added a dip Of ice cream whose flavor was mint chocolate chip. Then, after he drained it in one noisy sip,
Not bad!
... he said, wiping the froth from his lip.
I must harvest the fruit whilst my wit's at its ripest!
And then, to prove he was no hunt-and-peck typist, His quick agile fingers all nimbly had stolen To A S D F J K L semi-colon.
(Would you mind holding this gift while I compose my ouvre?)

 

by Namgubed
11-30-01
He uttered no more, but went straight to his work. It just put me to shame. Boy, I felt like a jerk. He tapped out a poem as quick as a flash. It made my endeavors seem like so much trash.
*clickety clack...*
Wow...
And laying a finger aside of his eyebrow, And tapping his temple, he said,
Well, good-bye now.
Bye, thanks!
As he vanished from sight, I could hear his loud holler,
Now there is a card that's worth one million dollars!
Merry Christmas!

 

by Namgubed
12-10-01
Stop me if you've herded this one.
Moo.
Ha Ha!
... I don't get it.

 

by Namgubed
12-10-01
So I says, "Them bowel movements ain't gonna void themselves!"
Damn, Gus, what the fuck did you eat?

 

by Namgubed
12-10-01
Guess I should've known better than to buzz the donut shop, huh?
In case you didn't notice, I'm in a hurry!
Beer?

 

by Namgubed
12-14-01
Meanwhile, back at Gotham City...
Holy twisted pair on an RJ-11, Captain Uterus! Sounds like a call from the Commissioner on the red phone!
Ring! Ring!
I, the bane of evildoers and dauntless protector of this fair city, shall answer the phone in a highly expedient manner, Boy Fantastic!
Ring! Ring!
Faithful butler Alfred, where, pray tell, is the red phone?
What do I look like, a freakin' Lost and Found?

 

by Namgubed
12-14-01
Hello.
What?
HELLO!
What?
H E L L O !!!
What? I can't hear you, I have a banana in my ear.

 

by Namgubed
12-14-01
Meanwhile, back at Gotham City...
Holy twisted pair on an RJ-11, Captain Uterus! Sounds like a call from the Commissioner on the red phone!
Ring! Ring!
I, the bane of evildoers and dauntless protector of this fair city, shall answer the phone in a highly expedient manner, Boy Fantastic!
Ring! Ring !
Hey, where's the red phone?
I take pride, sir, in the fact that I do not resemble a Lost and Found booth.

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