All comics by Qualjyn

 

by Qualjyn
12-21-02
If you are reading this, I am dead.. And you must know that I always loved noone but you.
. . .
I hate myself and i wish i was dead

 

by Qualjyn
12-21-02
Wait.. what am I doing? Life is still worth living!
Welcome to the news, i'm Tom Brokaw
After all I still have my family in Minnes..
..a flash fire killed a family in Minnesota. Police reports say that the father of the family was about to call his son to talk to him about the tragic death of the son's girlfriend..
I hate you, God
..when he fell over a chair, tipping over a lit lamp into the water-filled sink, short circuiting the electric installations and burning the house to the ground in a matter of minutes..

 

by Qualjyn
12-21-02
His eyes closed and he passed out..
What the.. where am I?
Hello, my son
To be continued
Jesus?.. What are you doing here?

 

by Qualjyn
12-21-02
I am here to tell you that you must stop torturing yourself.
Look at the bright side of things. Life has been given to you, a precious gift. Nothing is bad enough to throw it all away for.
Look, Jesus I have more nails, and i don't need your moral bullshit, so unless you'd like your oh-so holy lips pierced together, lay off and leave me alone.

 

by Qualjyn
12-21-02
Fine! Kill yourself! See if I care, you little shit stain! I try to help and this is the bullshit I get? Fuck you, and you die! I'm so sick of..
{Your soul is MINE}
Oh no! I have thought hateful and unforgiving thoughts! I will rest in the fiery depths of hell forever, for my holy purity has become tainted!
So then I woke up, drunk obscene amounts of alcohole, gambled my house away and had to go live in this trashcan.

 

by Qualjyn
12-21-02
To hell with it! I can get a new girlfriend! I can start a new life! Bye lil' robot dude.
EMOTIONAL CIRCUITS FEEL NEED FOR HUG

 

by Qualjyn
12-21-02
Hey babe! I'd give myself to you!
Sorry, i don't accept cheap nasty gifts.
Excuse me, but my girlfriend and my entire family just died and i feel an empty hole in my soul... baby
If you're looking for sympathy, you can find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.
I kinda get the feeling my pickup lines aren't working the way they should.

 

by Qualjyn
12-21-02
Hey there, sex bomb! How about we go back to my trashc.. place and get fr-
Save your breath for your inflatable girlfriend.
Hmm, that's not a bad idea at all..

 

by Qualjyn
12-21-02
Hello! I'd very much like to purchase this real-doll
Certainly, sir that will be $65.79
Sir? $65.79
I'm such a fuckup

 

by Qualjyn
12-21-02
Allright now, calm yourself man.. Stab old lady.. steal money.. buy real-doll...
FUCK IT! I CAN'T DO IT!
YAAARGH!
Oh my.. I think she got a heart attack!
*thump*

 

by Qualjyn
12-21-02
Allright.. I scared an old lady to death and stole her wallet.
Now I'm gonna use her money to buy a real-doll to pleasure me.
I wonder if that poor lady will even get a proper funeral.. I bet her restless soul is roaming the graveyards now, searching for a tombstone with her name on it.. But she'll never find one..
There's at least $500 in here.. I can't keep this.
God is getting back at me for making his son go to hell.. Vengeful omnipotent asshole.

 

by Qualjyn
12-21-02
That's my story little robot guy.. I don't know what to do. I don't even know what her name was.. Or if she's dead or alive..
When i returned to the place where she fell, she was nowhere to be seen.. I was kinda considering putting a search ad in the newspaper saying..
"Sorry I considred stabbing you, and stole your money. If you survived, maybe we can meet, and you can have it all back with my sincere apologies. You know who you are"

 

by Qualjyn
12-21-02
At the priest's house
Father! I have sinned! I have to confess to you!
Tell me about it, my son. There is forgiveness for all sins.
I made Jesus go to hell, and lost my house and everything i owned in gambling.. And i frightened a little old lady and stole her money.
My son, Jesus cannot possibly go to hell. He is holy and pure. He loves all living things and lives in our hearts, with-
Listen up padre.. Jesus doesn't love me and he never did shit for me. Just like his old man. Worthless no-good religious figures.
*gag* *bleed*

 

by Qualjyn
12-21-02
Oh god, I've killed a priest.. I'm going to hell! Hell can't be so bad compared to my life, though.. But I don't want to spend the rest of it in jail.
*choke*
Calm down.. this is your first and last murder. Everyone commits murders eventually. Maybe i can make it look like an accident or suicide.
*die*
I can see the headlines: "Priest stabbed ten times in the back while preparing for sermon. Suicide suspected."
*....*

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
Careful now.. Casually leave the scene of the crime.. Don't raise suspicion
YAAARGH!
Hello, sir. Is the priest at home by any chance?
*thump*
Oh dear, I must have frightened the poor lad.

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
Fuck
Sir! Please come inside, I need your help. There seems to have been a murder!
I believe the victim has been stabbed several times in the back with a bread knife. I'll stay here and you find a phone booth, call 911 and tell-
Y'know, it looks more like a MEAT knife. I have a meat knife right here. See? It fits excactly into the stab wounds.
. . .
... What? I took a mail-order-degree in.. uh.. murderology. And i work as.. a butcher! Yeah, yeah!

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
Allright, here I am, blood stained knife in my hand. Two dead bodies on the floor. The policeman was getting too nosy.
No need to feel bad now. It could be worse.. you could.. you... you could...
How the FUCK would THIS get any worse?? I've commited murder. TWICE, with the SAME KNIFE, for crying out fuck!

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
I have to somehow get rid of the bodies.
But what if the entire crime scene was to be destroyed..
So I replaced the fuses in the fusebox with iron nails and turned on everything in the house. You should've seen it.
*chitter*

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
Whoah! You're fading away, little dude!
Patrick.... This is God.
I'm sure thats what you say to all the hot guys, you charming loaf of disembodied voice, you.

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
So you're God eh? I never thought God would be a girl.
The prophets were rather sexist.
So they made up all the stuff about women having to underlay men and yadda yadda yadda?
Totally. The Bible was written by all men, and not a single woman, you know?
Good point.

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
But why didn't you just speak to some female prophets instead?
My words would end up as nothing but gossip on Jerusalem square, instead of becoming one of the greatest written works of all time.
Touché

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
You know, God.. Our little chat has made me see things in a whole different perspective. Sorry about sending Jesus to hell.
It's okay. I made a deal with Satan. He's released Jesus in exchange for permission to let terror reign upon earth 10.000 years ahead of plan.
. . .
Don't worry. It's still over a hundred thousand years into the future.
You had me worried for a second there, God.

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
-Intermission-
We interrupt the previous comic to bring you a new one.
Starring me. The storyline starring Patrick here will from now on be labeled [JHP] for "Jesus hates Pat"
That really sucks for a name.
Yeah, well mine sucks more.
Oh? What is it?
[FAG]... Freddy and Girls

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
One fine night at the local bar.
So i said to him "Dude, you"-
Hey man, that girl is totally checking you out.
Hi! I'm Cindy!
Oh shit, what do I do? She talked to me!
Talk to her, dumbass, this may be your only chance to get a hot chick. like.. EVER.

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
Hello? Hi! Is anything wrong?
BOOBIES!.. WANT FEEL
Allriiight... I'll just be on my way to the OTHER end of the bar.
I'm the most witless fuck ever.

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
Dude what the hell is the matter with you?
I don't know.. My brain just.. those tender.. fleshy.. breasts..
I'm leaving, you sick shit.
Please god, another chance, I swear I won't mess up this time.
Hi there! Come here often?

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
Hi I...
He's kinda cute.
.. WANT TO SPURT MY LOVE YOGHURT ON YOUR HUMP UDDERS!
. . .
I'm so fucked.

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
Yeah, so to cut a long story short: God told me the truth.
I went to the church to spread the word, but people didn't really seem to listen..
GOD IS A GIRL! CONVERT TO THE TRUE BELIEFS, YOU INFIDELS!

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
Well, you're my only friend. I really feel i can talk to you. What's your name?
*beep* DOES NOT COMPUTE
Fair enough. Ever see that movie "The Terminator" ?

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
Freddy goes for a walk in the woods to gather his thoughts.
I need to learn to talk to girls.. I can't keep freaking out whenever i meet one. Hey, here comes that goth chick who brags about her black magic skills.
HOW ABOUT I SHOVE -MY- BROOMSTICK UP YOUR TENDER QUIVERING CUNTPIT, WITCH-BITCH?
Word of advice: never mess with a pre-menstrual sorceress.

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
Patric encounters a menacing-looking figure when walking through the park.
Oh no!
Give me your money or die!
Over my dead body!
So be it!
*smack* *bang* AARGH I think you crushed something!

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
Please! Stop! I give up!
Then hand over your wallet.
Here.
What? You fought like a madman for some photos and an old train ticket? You're crazy. I'm leaving.
I just thank God he wasn't after the five hundred bucks I hid in my underwear.

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
Hey! Mister Arabian vodoo person. I need you to help me turn back into a human. Hello? Yes, I'm talking to you!
Mmmmooooo!
This could prove difficult.

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
I sense the pain in your "moo", man-trapped-in-bull, I shall help you lift this curse. Follow me.
Finally! Jesus! Can't tell you how glad I am you'll help me!
And by that i mean, since i'm a bull and can't speak..

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
You know, I was thinking..What if I traveled ten minutes back in time, met myself and told me not to travel back in time?
If the past me chose to follow the advice, the future me would never appear back in time, and then it wouldn't be possible to warn the past me.
If the past me didn't follow the advice he'd travel back in time and meet the past version and other future version of me. This would continue, in an endless loop.
*beep*?

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
Allright Ali-tazz-axor, do your stuff.
Nébhât aéñok máihãa!
Not excactly Gandalf, are we?

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
I'm.. I'm me again! Thanks a bu-..
Ah.. You again.
Where'd he go?

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
Hey.. Sorry about that thing the other night! I think i was kinda drunk.
Ah.. That's allright. Maybe we'll meet there tonight?
I can't believe it! I finally talked normal to a girl!
Maybe things are finally starting to look up for me!
Later at the bar.
Hey man, about the other night.. Don't worry about it. You had a little too much to drink, that's all.

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
I think I'll tell Rob about the girl I'm gonna meet here.
HEY, ROBBIE! HOW'D YOU LIKE MY HOT MAN MEAT SPURTING STICKY COCK JUICE ALL OVER YOUR HORNY LITTLE BUTT CHEEKS?
Oh my God no.. This can't be true.. I could talk to that girl normally, because I've subconciously turned gay.
....YOU SICK FUCK! I'LL NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN!

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
I thought up another scenario. I am sent back in time to meet myself as part of an experiment. At the arrival i get mixed up with my past self.
The scientists conclude that the future version of me must die to prevent havoc. But the future version of me does not feel too good about death.
Just then they realize that if the future version of me dies, that will be the same as the past version of me travelling through time and getting killed.
*sizzle* PLEASE REPEAT. DOES NOT COMPUTE

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
Hey! Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Yes. That's why i stopped coming there.
Hey! Would you like to come back to my place?
Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
IT'S A TRASH CAN, YOU STUPID CUNT!

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
Doc, I need your help. I'm gay, and I don't want to be.
But it's perfectly natural.
You don't understand. I'm not REALLY, gay. Just subconciously.
Why do you feel this urge to supress your desires?
For fucks sake, I'll pay you, JUST HELP ME!
500 dollars and you're straight tomorrow.

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
Back at the bar.
Good news! I'm straight!
Are you saying you used to be gay?
REWIND! REWIND!

 

by Qualjyn
12-22-02
No!.. Just forget about it. What do you say we go out tomorrow night?
Sure! That'd be great!
YES!
What?

 

by Qualjyn
12-23-02
Hey, Rob, I...
How long are you going to refuse to talk to me?

 

by Qualjyn
12-23-02
I'm about to mail my job application. I'm going to try to get a job in a baker's store.
I've thought up some good slogans too.
"If your body aches, buy our cakes. You can lose your only friend, but on bread you can depend. If you want to kill yourself, bring bread from our shelf."

 

by Qualjyn
12-23-02
So she told me blah blah and blah so blah blah but she didn't agree and told Maurice that blah blah
Yammer yammer yammer. Do they ever shut up on her planet?
So i told him to blah blah because he could just blah blah blah blah can you believe it? blah blah..
She's a lot cuter when her mouth is shut. Jesus. I could be at home watching the baseball game now.
Guys never listen to me! You're the best date ever, Freddy!
Hey, I enjoy listening.

 

by Qualjyn
12-23-02
The date is over, it's time to go home.
Shit.. Forgot money for the taxi.
Hey, how about we skip the taxi and.. walk?
Allright, I guess.
I'm such an idiot. She expected me to pay for the cab like a gentleman.
He wants to go on a moonlight stroll! He's so romantic! Not like all the other guys who just get a cab and drive me home.

 

by Qualjyn
12-23-02
I've had a great time, Freddy. Will you call me?
You got it!
So... I guess it's good night.
Kiss her goodnight, you idiot.
*sigh*

 

by Qualjyn
12-23-02
At the beach.
That crab looks funny, walking sidewards like that.
Imagine if humans always walked like that. It could get dangerous.
If you were going to cross the road you could only look one way.

Showing page 1.

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