All comics by Vekktor

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by Vekktor
9-27-01
BANG!
Owww!
Must... find... pen...
They say that venereal disease can cause short-term memory loss, so maybe your wife...
BANG!
Owww!

 

by Vekktor
9-27-01
1 Samuel 6:17 "And these are the golden hemorrhoids which the Philistines returned for a trespass offering unto the LORD:..."
Lord, the Philistines dropped these off at the front door.
Hmmm.. pass 'em around to the believers outside...
Here everyone! A little perk for your investment!
Yaaayyyy.....
You gotta treat your people right...
Hey, these are HEMMORRHOIDS!

 

by Vekktor
9-27-01
Deep in a spooky place...
*ring ring*
(Imagine churning industrial sound effects in the background too...)
*ring ring*
(For the full effect of this comic, find a radio, tune in half of an AM station, and hit it with a hammer...)
*ring ring*
Unless it grows boobs, I ain't goin anywhere near that phone...

 

by Vekktor
9-27-01
At home...
I love my new mirror...
...with Nick...
Hmm... I think I'll spend the evening getting dressed up...
... the transvestite.
I'll start with the chiffon and lace, then maybe we'll bring out our Mr. Butt Plug...
There's a nice big artery inside my thigh here...

 

by Vekktor
9-27-01
Mario, you must go. The world needs your love and laughter. Don't keep it all bottled up inside. Set it free!
Gaaah!
Damn you, you fool. We told you to stay away from the path of Carrot-Top, but did you listen?
Alas...

 

by Vekktor
9-27-01
Hi! I'm Pfft-crackle-whoosh, the fire elemental.
Howdy! I'm Plop-plop-plop the earth elemental!
*sniff* *sniff*
You didn't just happen to recently be a Hay-In-Bovine-Colon elemetal, did you?
That whole transition from "Hay" to "Earth" thing is still kinda sketchy on our elemental plain...

 

by Vekktor
9-27-01
...nope. Don't see any source around here. Maybe somebody was readin it in the john...
Look, we contracted for the "source" and my boss told me to get the "source" from you guys.
...uh.. yeah.. ok.. let me check to see if maybe somebody accidentally threw it out...
Just hurry up. My boss said we need to get it.
...I found it, but it's got coffee stains on it. I think we may have to build you another one. Is that ok?
Ok. Just be careful with the next one.

 

by Vekktor
9-27-01
The boss told me that I'm supposed to get the "source" from you on a "disk", not paper.
Hey... you got it chief. Whatever you want.
So make sure that you give it to me on a "disk" this time.
So, do you want that 33 and 1/3 or 45 RPM? We can also add Dolby if you want...
Mmm.. 45. And with Dolby. I like Dolby.
For an extra three grand we can make it meet THX spec...

 

by Vekktor
9-27-01
Orchestral flare, the curtain parts and...
Hi! I'm Chunder...
...and I'm Retch!
*silence*
Well, this is going pretty much how I expected it to.
Could be worse. I got a look at the list of *rejected* names for this show.

 

by Vekktor
9-28-01
Ya know Retch, there's a whole lotta sufferin in the world today...
Right you are, Chunder. Luckily the Chunder and Retch Labor Day Telethon is working hard to make sure that nobody has to suffer from debilitating tengilitis. _____________________
Debilitating tengilitis? Isn't that where the...
...details aren't important right now Chunder. All that matters is that the C and R show is here to help.
Well, I would have thought that overabundant dingleberries would be treatable by now.
Hardly. Look at the roots these suckers sink into ya...

 

by Vekktor
9-28-01
2am at the Elemental Plane of Hops
... so I sez 'Yeah?' an he sez 'Fuggof'.
Hey! Sparky! Lookover there! Oh my gawd. She's beautiful.
Tha' barstool? Forget her. She's got her nose in everybody's busine...
No you dipshit... behind the stool, next to the jukebox...
Wuh? You mean the pile of barf in the corner?
She wears her colors well, don't she?

 

by Vekktor
9-28-01
Thanks to the generous support of our viewers, Retch is going to have his tengilitisectomy.
And not too soon. The writing team was going to kick me out of the office because of all the rattling when I walk.
Tengilitis: 12 Pound Dingleberries that often obstruct the rectal passage.
Luckily, a Doctor from this very audience is out back with Retch as we speak, performing the delicate operation...
*pluk* *pluk* *pluk* *pluk* *pluk* *pluk*
HOLY CRAP!
What?! What?! He said there'd be some swelling...

 

by Vekktor
9-28-01
At the friendly neighborhood Outback Steakhouse...
Are you going to have dessert sweetums?
Oh yes! Just a sec...
Eeep!
HrrrMMMrmmmm... grunt... hrmmmmUH... *PFLAP*
I think you usually have to _order_ the 'Chocolate Thunder From Down Under...'
Why wait?

 

by Vekktor
9-28-01
I am the Muse of the Comic Void
And I am the Muse of the Cheap Laugh
I'm new here. Do they all just sit there and stare for so long?
Freaky, ain't it?

 

by Vekktor
9-28-01
Look, you can get pissed off all you want, but the fact is that my mother just doesn't understand our love.
*sniff* I thought she and I had a good time baking together.
She was fine with the baking. The stream of digestive fluids when you went to nibble on the crumb cake was a little tough for her to handle.

 

by Vekktor
10-01-01
Rush week at Phi Iota Gamma fraternity.
Heavens, I'd really, dearly love to be made a member of this fine fraternity.
OK PLEDGE, IT'S YOUR TURN WITH "SKIPPY". GIVE 'EM HELL. RARRR!
Young TOBOR gets an unexpected surprise with a patient "tutor".
Oh sweet mercy! Forced to cornhole a chicken! I'll never be able to show my face in public again.
Don't worry hon. Cornholin' is easy. Lemme just shift the ol' tail feathers here and *hrmm*..oh OOH.. ooooooh...
Satiated, TOBOR is reborn anew! A red-blooded man!
RARR! TOBOR MAN NOW!
Congrats. Tomorrow, you're "Skippy".

 

by Vekktor
10-01-01
Tonight's very special episode of "Touched By and Angel" is brought to you by "Monkeyjuice".
o/` Monkeyjuice! Monkeyjuice! Fresh squeezed flavor it's Monkeyjuice! o/`
*GLEE*
Now available... Monkeyjuice POWER, when you need the power that only hot steaming monkey juice inside you can deliver.
Cool.. it's got a sport-style rapid applicator cap!

 

by Vekktor
10-02-01
RARRR! STUPID NEWBIE NOT GET TOBOR IN-JOKE! TOBOR CORNHO...
...cornhole you. Yes, I get it. Tobor is third-person self referrential, cornholes out of frustration, and is generally the clue-bat icon for the forum.
RARRR! BUT.. BUT TOBOR REPRESENT DEEP-ROOTED ANGER AT UNFAIR NATURE OF WORLD.
That, or TOBOR represents an excuse to let loose and make comics that use naughty words like "cornhole" and "manrape".
RARRR! TOBOR IS COMPLEX SOCIAL SATIRE! TOBOR ALSO KNOW GABE PERSONALLY! RARRR! TOBOR CORNHOLE ALL!
NEWBIES GET TASTE OF MANRAPE WRATH! STUPID VEKKTOR GET IT DOUBLE! TOBOR ALSO SHIT OUT OF LUCK ON PUNCHLINE.

 

by Vekktor
10-02-01
Crikey! This double-headed black-striped hentacle (tm) is really ticked-off! Luckily I've got my plucky schoolgirl assistant to help me with today's show.
Uh.. hi...
Slither.. drool.. schlorp..
Wear you good sailor suit mommy says... you want to look good on TV mommy says... I should have know it was a set-up when mommy said to bring the alien fungospore spermicidal lubricant...

 

by Vekktor
10-02-01
1 Angst___________________________
This is legal tender for all debts public and private.
_________________________________
___________________________1 Angst
My privates are public and tender.

 

by Vekktor
10-02-01
2 e\/ilz.............................................................
.................................................................................
pH33R r l337...
...pHisk4L skillz
.............................................................2 e\/ilz

 

by Vekktor
10-02-01
1 Dali______________________________
I am not money...
---==In Eggplant Fishmonger We Trust==---
__________________________1 Dali
...I am a picture of money.

 

by Vekktor
10-04-01
1 chitin-------------------------------------------------
You can get some of us...
---=-=Unified Treasury of Ants, Gnats,=-=--- ---=-======and No-Seeums======-=---
-------------------------------------------------1 chitin
...but you can't get us all!

 

by Vekktor
10-04-01
The WEST! Home to men of courage... men of fortitude...
yup...
...men who ride the range day in and day out... men who pit their skills against nature's worst...
ah reckon...
...men who lose their horse in a three dollar poker match in Kansas City...
at least they let me keep mah pants...

 

by Vekktor
10-04-01
The WEST! A place where a man can start over...
ah need a horse...
...a place where a man can find a new life, a new identity...
yup...
...especially a man named Dianne Farquar...
just call me Range Rider... please?

 

by Vekktor
10-04-01
The WEST! A place where even young Dianne here can make a new start...
SSShhhhh! Christ, I came out here to get away from that name! I'm Range Rider now...
uh oh...
...yes?
Just tryin' to make sure I can remember what you looked like *before* you got your ass kicked...

 

by Vekktor
10-05-01
Ah! Maura! My experiment can begin...
Not again...
I've got Lt. Chund inside my device here, and she's ready for you now! You should know that her species, the Flavians, have fully-articulated reproductive organs.
Good god Volgor, what for?
I've estimated that we can get close to 97% in excess of light-speed by tapping the energy from your sapphic pseudo-reproductive frenzy.
Dammit Volgor, I'm by-the-book, B.Y. the book... BEE WHY... not BEE EYE, ok?

 

by Vekktor
10-05-01
WARNING! FLESH-BEAMER FAILURE! WARNING! FLESH-BEAMER FAILURE!
Uh oh... I made it through, but the last time this happened we got a bounced signal and reconstituted a RickDeesian... *shudder*
Oh boy. An evil clone of myself from some twisted parallel universe.
Grrr....
Damn.. look at that booty... I'm totally hot...
Heyyy,.. a transporter failure created a hot, horny duplicate of me...

 

by Vekktor
10-12-01
But how can you tell? I mean, we used that little rubber thingy...
There's no such thing as a perfect contraceptive. Even the pill is only 95% effective.
But... but I'm not ready for eggs.
Eggs hell! This cock's comb on my head ain't a glove, bubba. Biology tells us that we should get ready for divine intervention.

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