All comics by bradfordknights

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by bradfordknights
2-19-05
Bradford Knights does his first major interview with his first major publication.
so bradford, we hear you have a degree in psychology. how does this affect your songwriting and lifestyle?
well, i've never really considered myself to be an intellectual.
i'm amused by the simple things. like farts. and women.
what a pig.

 

by bradfordknights
2-19-05
wow, his hat is dirty.
i can see that you like my hat by the way you keep staring at it.
everyone likes my white hat.
why is your hat grey?

 

by bradfordknights
2-19-05
wow, i wish i had cool hair like that dude.
then i would win this american idol contest for sure.
i'm going to win this american idol contest for sure.

 

by bradfordknights
2-19-05
why do you want to be the next american idol?
pthhht...
eeeew paula, that stunk. tee hee.
hmm, he's right.

 

by bradfordknights
2-19-05
tell us why you want to become the next american idol?
to drive the point home. paula i love you so much.
(paula)...hmm, i liked him too. i wonder if he can stretch my aging face with his superior tool techniques.

 

by bradfordknights
2-19-05
why did the chicken cross the mind?
not this again.
i'm outta here, lame-o
...balk balk, bagaaalk

 

by bradfordknights
2-20-05
dude, you stink, you shouldn't take baths in airplane toilets.
it's not safe.
dude, like, woah...

 

by bradfordknights
2-20-05
why do you want to be the next american idol?
that was simply awful. dreadful.

 

by bradfordknights
2-20-05
Officer Vanderclappen ponders the explosiveness of Juanbertos
and Filibertos
and the possiblilities of Beano

 

by bradfordknights
2-20-05
okay, mr...lopez, what is your date of birth
um, yanuary of 88 i theenk, but no sure.
well the fake mexico driver license you gave me says january of 82
i pay eighty dollars for eet. can i have eet back?
ya sure, it's only a forged item.
i pay 80 dollars for eet...

 

by bradfordknights
2-20-05

 

by bradfordknights
2-20-05
hmm, i wonder what Steaming Grey Jello tastes like...
He just looks at it.
hmm, i may be allergic to SGJ. best leave it alone for now.

 

by bradfordknights
2-21-05
the south side civil matter unfolds
so you say your car was stolen?
yes, a man came to my door and asked me if he could use my garage to work on his truck. i didn't know it was a stolen truck and i got scared when he started taking a welder to it.
bit
so you knew him, right?
no, i've never seen him before in my life. so i let him use my car to 'run some errands'.
by tweaker bit...
so he ran to get you some meth and never came back, right?
damn, these cops know everything.

 

by bradfordknights
2-21-05
here's your ticket for disorderly conduct.
Officer Vanderflappen thinks mightily...
and here's one for inciting prayer in schools.

 

by bradfordknights
2-21-05
so who did this to you sir?
the romans
you're going to have to be more specific, sir.
all of them.
sorry sir, we can't help you, here's your victim's rights form. should i staple it just below your feet?
i pay taxes for this?

 

by bradfordknights
2-21-05
Officer Vanderflapper is on the case.
so what is your name?
Jesus Christ
well let's see...we have a warrant for a Jesus Sanchez, that sounds close, i think you're using an ailias.
no, my social security number is 123-23-1232
well that's only 9 digits off, i think we're going to have to book you.
get me down from here and i'll take the mexican warrant.

 

by bradfordknights
2-22-05
sue and jason assess the situation
oh my gosh, what happened to that girl?
heh, she was riding on the hood of the truck while her sister drove around, then her sister hit the brakes, and she flew off.
jason and sue are getting a clue
oh my gosh, she looks bad, are they cutting her pants off?
yes, they always do that when they have a patient. i don't know why.
sue and jason come to a determination.
why is she holding a buffalo between her upper thighs?
heh, i'm wondering why the buffalo is wearing a red headband with a skull and crossbones. i think it's gang retaliation.

 

by bradfordknights
2-22-05
license registration and insurance.
but i'm only riding a broom. it cost me $8.99 at the witchcraftmart
look, don't give me hassles or i'll turn you over to Chief Snackenmore for questioning and an internal investigation
i've got your internal investigation, right here.
hmm, she's right.
this always works with Officer Vanderflappen. he's a perv.

 

by bradfordknights
2-22-05
oh it was horrible Officer Vanderhoofen, just horrible.
that's fine. tell me what happened.
well the girl was riding on the hood, then she flew off, hit her head, was knocked unconcious, awoke, and the paremedics cut her pants off.
and when she came to then she puked those unchewed noodles onto the pavement there, right?
no, that pile is from fire captain Blisterweiner after he saw the trapped buffalo.
ugh, poor buffalo.

 

by bradfordknights
2-22-05
so you're saying that someone stole your house and that's why you're living in a cave?
splendid Officer Vanderkinken waits patiently
i wonder if he'll notice if i just leave...

 

by bradfordknights
2-22-05
At the Scene of the Crime...
so then they just left you on the floor there in that exact position?
yes, and that's why i didn't make it home to my husband last night. i was drugged. i claim rape.
that's so sad. what did your attacker look like?
he was average height, weighed something, and sounded really mean.
Missy is safe once again.
okay, we should find him in no time.
great, can i have my hall pass now?

 

by bradfordknights
2-22-05
Officer Vanderchicken is on the case...
I'm citing you for flagrant disorderly flamboyance, Rex.
You just can't go around flaunting your new black Coach purse in front of the poor illegal Mexican immigrants.
But I saved so much by hiring them to work on my lawn.

 

by bradfordknights
2-22-05
Officer Vanderwouldn't always follows policy...
like i said Mrs. Vic Tem, you can get an order of protection against your husband
and Mr. Hick Tem, you could also get one
...even when nobody cares.
doesn't he ever shut up?
and this situation falls under domestic violence statutes blah blah blah.....blah blah blah

 

by bradfordknights
2-24-05
how can i help you, sir?
well, you can start by finding the bastard who ripped off my arm
that's gross, sir. i may barf.
please don't h8 me because i'm repulsive.
don't you folks live on some island or something?
yes, and i play in the band, Def Lepper

 

by bradfordknights
2-24-05
Hello Cleveland!!!
I am Hand Solo, and this is my band, Def Lepper!
the puns never stop...
How about a nice hand for your favorite singer?

 

by bradfordknights
2-24-05
The squirrel holds out
Alright, where are the Methamphetamines?
What? Oh my god, I don't do anything like that!
I had a friend overdose, i'm so against drugs, i can't believe you would even say that, you're so horrible. and you're an ass.
The squirrel gives in.
Then why are you grinding your teeth, severely underweight, have scabs on your face and arms, and can't sit still for more than 2 seconds?
They're in my cheeks.

 

by bradfordknights
2-24-05
Okay let's see...I should have her say ' oh yah im cool wat up dawg look over their wat or you doing wit those's bockses'
what the hell is he talking about?
Good idea. Bad English.
oh yeah, man, i'm so cool.
Two words for you dipshit. English 101.

 

by bradfordknights
2-24-05
Hello Mr. Blue Dodo.
Hello, would you like to engage in some playful badinage?
Dodo schools the hipster doofus
No, but I'll take banter...
ba-di-nage\,bad-n-'azh\n[F]:playful talk back and forth:BANTER
Sorry to have doubted you, oh Ever Smart Dodo Bird
Sheee-aht, ain't no thang but a D thang dawg.

 

by bradfordknights
2-25-05
Runnin in the heat, back against the wall, down on my luck, headed for a fall
uh yeah, well i just need a burger
lookin for a fight, screamin in the night, lookin for a thrill, hungry for the kill
okay here's your ticket for excessive cliches
rock and don't stop, beggin on my knees, beggin baby please, you're the lock and i'm the keys
some guys never learn.

 

by bradfordknights
2-25-05
Hey, can you give me a hand here please...?
What's in it for me?
How about forgiveness?
What the fuck? How about some sweet crystal meth to exterminate my remaining tooth?
I can't help you out there :o(
Well then neither can i.

 

by bradfordknights
2-25-05
Jesus Christ, why are you doing this to yourself
I was born the son of God, i don't have a choice.
That sucks dude, i finally scored some meth, want some?
No thanks, i'm trying to quit
That sucks dude, well take it easy.
Can you just help me down from here?

 

by bradfordknights
2-25-05
Fancy meeting you here!
My twin brother Jehova! I thought you were killed in the Bay of Pigs?!
Nah, just went off to do some voice-over work. Hey Jesus...
What?
Raise your hands if you're Sure.
Putz.

 

by bradfordknights
2-25-05
Everything is so dark in my life. Woe is me, i can't think of anything to draw.
maybe i will kill myself, yes that is what i will do, it's all darkness now, dark closing in, descending into black, fade to black, back in black, etc...
woops, there go my sunglasses

 

by bradfordknights
2-25-05
we need to talk
oh shit
about what?
we just need to talk
oh shit

 

by bradfordknights
3-04-05
1987
son, i bought this cool kit for your car, let's go install it
oh no, dad, not another one of your 'cool' things. what is it?
it's a cool third tail light. it will make your car so hip. all the new cars will be having them.
but dad, i drive a tan 1984 ford tempo.
come on, i'll help you.
great, a third tail light to match my three nipples.

 

by bradfordknights
3-04-05
Now how am i ever going to get the job here?
Now how is she ever going to get the job here?
I have other outfits...
i hope he likes my pancakes
mmm, anybody got syrup?

 

by bradfordknights
3-07-05
hey man, what's the code for rusty hubcap
i don't know, why are you always pulling people over for dumb reasons?
i don't know, why do you always ask me that?
why do you think i ask you?
i .... i think because.... what?
i wish this guy didn't look so much like me.

 

by bradfordknights
3-08-05
are you the sicko who's been grabbing his crotch and playing al jolson records?
maybe, is that a crime?
maybe, is that a shirt i see under that trenchcoat?
say, is that a citation for pubic indecency?
maybe, is that a stain on your sweatpants?
maybe, could i interest you in some of my previous citations for the same offense?

 

by bradfordknights
9-20-06
bluebeard and davey eightys
check this car.
under the stars
i could do without him.
it's painted to match my skin...

 

by bradfordknights
9-20-06
do you promise this will be the last time?
hmm... let's see...hambone's connected to the...
sigh...always a whale's tale, never a bride.

 

by bradfordknights
5-01-08
follow me to the bathroom.
what for?
there's something funny there.
?
sorry, bathroom humor.
...

 

by bradfordknights
5-01-08
Jesus, why the long face?
...it's been hanging here a while
Chin up !

 

by bradfordknights
5-01-08
What is your high score on Tron?
I forget.
Did you even score in the top 25?
What do i look like, a goat?
yes.
I wish i looked like Gwen Stefani.

 

by bradfordknights
5-01-08
Eskyooz me
uh oh
Yes?
Sorry, i thought you were Granny Parsons.
Whew...

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