All comics by matclarke

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by matclarke
4-25-05
Man, I really hate that damn receptionist!!!
What are you gonna do?
Maybe I should put a flamming bag of dog poop under her desk.
You might get fired for that one.
Yeah, maybe i'll just try faxing some more stuff to our main line.
You won't get fired for that but maybe you'll go to hell.

 

by matclarke
4-28-05
You seem to lossing a bit of weight, Ernie.
I've been keeping myself on a pretty strict diet.
What's that your snacking on?
Vienna Sausage. I love these things.
Don't they make you thirsty?
A little bit. I wash it down with the juice though.

 

by matclarke
5-17-05
Your ass is like onions.
Oo kay...
It brings tears to my eyes.
Nah. That’s just the carcinogenic death smoke.

 

by matclarke
5-18-05
Does there seem to be a problem?
Yeah, I can't SEEM to take a shit in peace?
Please forgive me.
YOU'RE STILL NOT GONA GET THAT EASYBAKE OVEN WITH INTERIOR LIGHT AND THE VARIABLE HEAT SETTING!

 

by matclarke
5-19-05
Hello.
Uh, hi.
She looks like the right size for a lamp shade made out of human skin and the Gimp might like her.
Hmm. He really doesn't look like his pic.
Then again, maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship.
That was a close one! Fucking liar, he wasn't even that athletic and he was much shorter than he said.

 

by matclarke
5-19-05
So the priest turns to the rabbi and says, "Now that's kosher."
The kid, not the hotdog.

 

by matclarke
5-20-05
This one would go nicely next to my human skin lamp shade.
The Gimp might like it and it would really liven up the basement
What would Martha Stewart do?

 

by matclarke
5-20-05
What the fuck do you want?
Well, um, I know you just moved in and, um, I wanted to bring you these cupcakes with, ah, sprinkles.
If I ate those fucking cupcakes lady I'd break out in a nasty rash and I can't fucking have that.
Oh, ok. Well if you, ah, need anything, um, let me know.
Yea. Do you think this tree looks better by this lamp or down there by the Gimp?

 

by matclarke
5-31-05
Well, VANOS was first introduced in 1992 on the BMW M50 engine used in the 5 Series.
MmmHmm.
The VANOS engines have the ability to adjust the intake and exhaust cam sprockets.
MmmHmm.
This gives you increased torque throughout your RPM range.
But that still doesn't explain the dead bitch on my hood.

 

by matclarke
5-31-05
The upper neck on your radiator broke off causing you to lose all your antifreeze.
MmmHmm.
All BMW E36 models are prone to that failure.
MmmHmm.
We're gonna go with a Fluidyne performance aluminum radiator.
Thats fine. But I'm still not gonna pay for the dead hooker in the trunk.

 

by matclarke
6-01-05
BMW released the M60B30 & M60B40 V8's in 93 which all used the Nikasil blocks.
MmmHmm.
NIKASIL is basically aluminum impregnated with nickel and silicone.
MmmHmm
The excessive amounts of sulphur in US gas eat away the linings of the cylinder bores.
Look dickface, can you fit two kilos of coke in the gas tank or not?!

 

by matclarke
6-03-05
I'm now officially a Junior Comic Technician!
Who the fuck is this guy?
The feeling is unbelievable! I feel so elated!
I have officially lost faith in humanity.
I shall Darwinize thee, kind sir.

 

by matclarke
6-03-05
Babe, I'm sorry you found all my comics troubling and emotionally inept.
I just don't understand you anymore. I find no humor in what you create.
Did you read the one about the dead hooker in the trunk? That flipping killed! Gold I tell you!
Um. I think I need some time alone.
WE WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE MEMORY OF ME, YOU, A FIFTH OF JACK, AN EIGHT BALL OF COKE AND THOSE TWO CARNIES!!!!!

 

by matclarke
6-06-05
Hello kiddos! I'm here to talk to you about the hazards of smoking.
YEAAA!!!
Smoking is VERY jeopardous and should be done with great circumspection.
Huh?
That's right! Use prudence when smoking at the pumps!
???

 

by matclarke
6-08-05
Poop.

 

by matclarke
6-09-05
We're going to treat your son as a missing persons case. But he has probably just been murdered. You never know.
Due to our extensive investigative techniques this will take a great deal of time. Plus I got a few other things to do.
Subsequent eons later
Hmm. Looks like there might be a possibility I have another missing persons case on my hands. But you never know.

 

by matclarke
6-09-05
So what type of symptoms is your car exhibiting?
Its kinda like a WE-KA WE-KA WE-KA noise.
She didn't just do that did she?
Then there's that WHOMP WHOMP WHOMP noise.
Can you hear this? *WHACK WHACK*

 

by matclarke
6-09-05
Man, that’s a good looking cock. It’s making my ass water profusely.
That weirdo isn't looking at me is he?
HOLY COCK SHIT! I hope it tastes as good as it feels.
Thats disturbing.

 

by matclarke
6-15-05
What the hell have you been eating?!
*chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp*
HELLO?! Do see that mountain of doo behind me?
*chmp, chomp, chomp, chomp*
Well, you can pretend you haven't herd me all you like. But your gona take this broom and clean it up!
If you utter another word, I WILL take away your milking privileges or you could shut your trap. Witch is it?

 

Envy...
If I had my own set of wedding tackle I would play with it whenever I wanted.
by matclarke, 6-17-05

 

by matclarke
6-21-05
Happy Birthday, baby! Let me give you something special. How about a venerial disease?
Bacterial?
I'm thinking viral.
I didn't know you had protection!
Happiness is a warm gun.

 

by matclarke
7-06-05
I'm really not interested in your specials on gaping chest wounds.
It would really compliment that red shirt.
Umm...No thanks.
BEEP.Mangravy cleanup aisle 2.BEEP
Do you have any Spider-Man underoos?
Aisle 3. Young mens apparel.

 

by matclarke
7-11-05
Both my cheeks have a real nice pinkish hue.
I've noticed that several times myself.
I think it really brings out the color of my eye.
Yup. You can't argue with that.
That also explains why you insist on pulling your pants down at a urinal.

 

by matclarke
7-12-05
Potted meat?
Vienna sausage.
POTTED MEAT!
VIENNA SAUSAGE!
You no nothing of fine cuisine!
CUISINE?! I was speaking in reference to my goat terds.

 

by matclarke
7-12-05
There was never a pink donkey in pac-man.
I'm telling you the truth!
I've played that game every day since I was 5. I never saw a pink donkey.
No, no, no. What I'm saying is that we used to date.

 

by matclarke
7-13-05
Daddy? If I had two nuts on the wall, would they be called wall-nuts?
Why yes they would.
If I had two nuts on my chest would those be called chest-nuts?
Why yes they would.
Well, if I had two nuts on my chin would those be chin-nuts?
Bitch please! You'd have a dick in your mouth.

 

by matclarke
7-15-05
The thing is, I just don't receive any pleasure from that Mandingo.
But this is the only Mandingo I have! Maybe there is something differently I can do with my Mandingo.
Aside from throwing your Mandingo off a cliff, that damn Mandingo isn't worth doing squat.
But, but, but..
*SLAM*
WHY LORD, WHY? Why have you forsaken me with this damn Mandingo!

 

Soo, you're saying that its ok to give my little boy to a member.
Yup.
by matclarke, 7-20-05

 

by matclarke
7-26-05
I really gotta start chewing my food more throughly.

 

I'm sorry but the fact that you were adopted does make you a rat bastard.
by matclarke, 7-28-05

 

No, no son. Its only premarital sex if you’re planning on marrying her.
by matclarke, 8-02-05

 

by matclarke
8-04-05
First, I need to drop the kids off at the pool.
Second, I need to grow a tail.
Then, I need to cut some cable.
Do you have to do this every time you take a shit? Seriously.

 

Surprises are like beer, in that beer tastes good. And anything that tastes like beer is a nice surprise to me.
Bartenda! Two mor shaprises! *Hic* An whil you at et git em a schot. *Hic*
by matclarke, 8-04-05

 

So I tell Tiffany, you should see how many newton meters it takes to torque my nuts.
by matclarke, 8-10-05

 

'Because as soon as it’s known that a strip is rated a 9 or 10, that same strip will be promptly kicked in the junk and dropped like a herpes laden mug.'
by matclarke, 8-11-05

 

My anus holds the key.
by matclarke, 8-16-05

 

I don't have no inspiration. Maybe someday soon, the idiots at my work will do something that is beyond my current limits of imagination.
by matclarke, 8-24-05

 

by matclarke
9-16-05
hi. my name is mandingo.
well hello there. my name is hcroyall.
i'm gona yank on your fucking braids!
your fucking haircut sucks a dick.

 

by matclarke
10-25-05
What the hell isth wrong with you?!
Tamn it Jim, I jutst cant get it to work!
You hath to be real ginger like!
I'm being asth ginger as possthible!
Yikes! This assth probe needs to be turned down a notch or two.

 

by matclarke
10-26-05
I think all beers taste the same!
What are you talking about?!
You're better off buying the cheapest beer available. It all does the same thing.
Bullshit! Thats like saying all tampons are the same!
Much like a tampon, there are many different types, sizes, colors, aromas, and most importantly tastes. Its not like girls are rushing out to be NO-AD tampons.

 

by matclarke
10-27-05
So, I'm waiting to use the bathroom at a place called Dragon Room in Santa Fe the other day.
As I held my bladder full of booze, I started hitting on this girl that was waiting as well. After about 5 minutes I started banging on the bathhroom door, and out walked Val Kilmer.
He quickly left with girl in hand. My point? Famous people's shit smells the same as mine.

 

by matclarke
12-05-05
SIS! OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!!!
I woke up in a chair today.
Um, yeah that happens sometimes.
What the hell happened to you?
I really don't know what happened last night, but i do remember waking up with a boombox imprint on my left cheek.

 

by matclarke
3-23-06
WHY DO YOU INSIST ON DRINKING DURING THE WEEK?
WELL, IT ALL STARTED AT DINNER LAST NIGHT.
THE DRINKING?
THE GENERAL DISREGARD AND DISDAIN FOR THE PEOPLE THAT WERE AROUND ME.

 

What do you have planned for the big day?!
Well, after this breakfast burrito makes its way through. I plan on using toilet paper after I take a dump.
by matclarke, 6-06-06

 

by matclarke
7-25-06
I WENT TO DINNER WITH THIS GIRL NAMED NICOLE. I PAID FOR DINNER BUT THEN I BORROWED FORTY DOLLARS TO SCORE A STASH. I HAD HER DRIVE ME AROUND TO MY FRIENDS HOUSE THEN A COUPLE BARS.
WE MADE OUT FOR A BIT IN HER CAR, THEN I LEFT AND MET SOME OTHER FRIENDS AT ANOTHER BAR.
I TEXTED HER THIS MORNING ASKING HER TO MAIL ME ANY MEDICATION SHE HAD AND A BRA.
eat shit.

 

by matclarke
7-27-06
I WENT OUT TO DINNER WITH MY GIRLFRIEND. I HAD TWO JACK & COKES WITH MY MEAL AND THAT WAS THE BEGINNING OF THE END.
THEY MAKE THEM STRONG AS FUCK. IT WASN'T MY FAULT.
SO, I PAID FOR DINNER AND BORROWED FORTY BUCKS FROM MY CHICK.
eat shit.

 

by matclarke
12-01-06
Last night was so so wonder...
Melanie, you're a predatory little alley cat.
Wha..
You're a flashy little piece of baggage that's not fit to wait my table."
So...so, what is it your trying to s...
Double jack & coke. AND MAKE IT SNAPPY!

 

by matclarke
12-06-06
dEaR sANtA, I wUD LikE A KOol Toy SpaCE RaNjUR For XMAS. Iv BeN A goOD gURl AlL YEER. Yer FRenD, mArY
Dear Mary, nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write?

 

Eat shit.
by matclarke, 1-17-07

 

by matclarke
2-15-07
Zaga chiba!
Anna?
Hooga mashuga!
Nicole?
Herpes laden mug!
You're dead to me.

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