All comics by piratemonkeyninja

Profile

 

Ladies and Gentlemen
I give you...
The internet.
Awww baby

 

Disembodied arm huh?
Yep
...That's cool

 

On the plus side it turns out I didn't have a cold after all. It was actually a brain tumor.
Wait isn't that a lot worse and potentially fatal?
Yeah but it means I don't have to go to work.
But you might die!
Hey you're just a talking squirrel. What do you know anyway?
Actually I have a Phd in Neurosurgery

 

I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.
So you're saying we should kill the president and then use his dead body as a puppet to demand world domination? That's a great idea!
No that's not what I said at all!
Oh...
Robots don't need to eat anyway.

 

So then I said to him "No YOU were designed to peform repetitive labor in place of actual humans!" Ha sure showed him.
But that's what you were designed for.
Oh...
Sorry.
No that's what YOU were designed for! Oh yeah! Another zinger!
Sigh

 

So I was speaking to Jesus the other day and he was saying...
WHY MUST YOU LIE? YOU WERE NEVER AND HAVE NEVER SPOKEN TO JESUS! HE DOESN'T EXIST!
...
Don't listen to him. I love you as I love all my children...Now here's what we do. We wait till he's asleep and then we KILL HIM! HA HA HA HA HA!

 

Why Internet dating is a bad idea.
So err... How do you feel about sacrificing virgins to insane war gods? Cause you know it kinda turns me on.
All right baby let's go! Or am I too much man for you to handle?
Look... I'm just going to go away now.

 

You know what's great? Death.
WHAT? Death is horrible! Why on earth would you like Death?
Well the way they dance around making balloon animals for children and juggling and throwing pies and bringing cheer and all!
THAT'S CLOWNS! NOT DEATH! THERE'S A DIFFERENCE
Oh... Well... If for some unexplained reason you happen to die on your birthday... It wasn't because I hired Death okay?
Oh dear lord...

 

Let's play "Guess who still lives with their mother!"
I own my own business
I made three million last year
My band's new album just went platinum!
I finally downloaded all of season two of "Erotic Pirate Ghost Sitcom!"
I've made so much money I can retire at 32!
Robots don't have mothers stupid

 

Who would have thought that murder was still a crime? Oh well. Can't you use your magic Jesus powers to bust us out of here?
Magic Jesus Powers?
"Yeah like when Jesus burnt all the Jews for being sinners!"
BURN YOU HIPPIE SCUM!
Man Jesus powers are sweet!
1. Jesus WAS a Jew and chances are he had no fire powers, 2. I'm not Jesus, 3. You're a dumbass

 

Hey...Little help here?
Woah! How did you manage to do that?
Well I was putting up this picture on my wall and I missed...
Yeah, but the picture goes on the wall! You should have been hammering in the other direction!
CRAP!

 

QUICK CALL A DOCTOR!
Why?
Because I'm about to kick your face off!
Why would I call a docter before I get hurt?
Good point. Nevermind then.
Actually call the docter anyway. I can't seem to lower my arms...

 

Hey! Hey man! Over here. I got what chu need!
Really? Wow that's great I've been looking everywhere for a severed human head!
WHAT? Hey man that's messed up! I ain't got no head!
Or do you? Hmmm....
And now the police are looking for me for some reason!
I can't think why. All you did was chop off some random guy's head...

 

Hey everybody! My name is Tim!
Hi! Go away now!
Not before I molest your children!
See Sam this is exactly why nobody likes you.
Ooooh. Child molesting is BAD! I get it now!
Good boy. Let's get some coffee

 

Hey. I'm a chicken.
Well I'll be darned. I was expecting Satan to come and claim my soul and all...
WELL YOU ARE RIGHT FOOLISH MORTAL!
Hot diggity damn!
Nah just kidding I'm just a chicken.
Oh dang. Well I suppose I'm gunna eat ya now bitch.

 

So did you get that report in on time?
Well don't tell anyone but I actually used Anne's report which she got off Jack who got it off THE ROBOT OVERLORD ZARLTON!
You're making people call you The Robot Overlord Zarloton now?
Yeah! How cool is that?
Depends. What can I be called?
Well I'll give you Robot Underlord Zarbec IF you run down and get me a bagel

 

Hey baby. They call me the Looove Machine. Wanna know why?
As tempting as that offer is I am going to have to pass...
Well I'll tell you! It's because I am a machine that was designed, crafted and built for the sole purpose of providing Love.
Oh well...I guess that makes sense...And I'm less creeped out than I could have been...
And plus, I have a huge robot wang!
AHHHHHH!

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