All comics by russellcrowe

 

Acting lessons by russellcrowe 11-16-02
	Uh, on my signal, unleash, you know, hell.	Let me give you an Oscar!!!

 

A night on the town by russellcrowe 3-03-03
A nightclub Hey, you! I didn't give you permission to look at me. Now my entourage and I have no option but to break your face. Would that be the same entourage that just passed out in a coked-up heap on the floor?		Dang. Which testicle do you want receded first?

 

At the focus group by russellcrowe 3-04-03
The Prime Minister and a Labour voter in 1997 I'm going to assist the dictator of Indonesia in committing the worst proportionate genocide since the Holocaust. Whatever.	Same again in 2002 We're going to war again, but this time against a genocidal tyrant. You monster! Have you no concern for innocent life?!?!	I'm confused. Join the club.

 

Virtuosity by russellcrowe 3-09-03
My, but I'm looking fine today!	That's not a mirror. That's a life-size model of irritating Star Wars character Jar Jar Binks. The mirror is over there. Eh? But...but all these years I've thought...	NOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

One more day with you by russellcrowe 4-06-03
Stag night (or "Buck's party" as they say down under) So you want to purchase a "trick", eh? Not a cop, are you? Fuck off! I'm Russell Crowe, famous celebrity!	Oh, yeah. From The Quick and the Dead, right? Well, I can fix you up for two bob. No, you misunderstand. I don't have to pay to use prostitutes.	You drive a hard bargain. That reminds me. Give me free Viagra.

 

Lazarus by russellcrowe 4-07-03
The wedding of the millennium Russell Crowe. Do you take, er, whatever her name is, to be your wife? Uhhh...what was I drinking last night...hie thee hither, death...	I'll take your silence as the affirmative. And do you take Russell Crowe to be your husband? First I'd like an explanation of where he got that cystitis.	That's it. I'm going back to doing paedophilia strips. Who are these people?

 

Off the market by russellcrowe 4-07-03
On honeymoon Okay, get the togs off! Er. I just had sex with someone about half an hour ago, so I need a bit of time to recover...	But it's okay! I'll just think about myself for a while!	Must be frigid.

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