All comics by shmool

 

by shmool
8-28-10
How could you, chef?
I saw you, fooling around with pancetta, and on national TV!
Hey, pancetta is just Italian bacon.
Oh, so now all cured pork belly products are the same to you?
I was drunk and lonely.

 

by shmool
8-28-10
I can't believe they actually launched the nukes. Every living thing, destroyed.
Hey little buddy, looks like it's just you and me.
Wow, I can understand you! Radiation must have dramatically increased my intelligence!
That's awesome, at least I have someone to talk to.
This budding friendship is sweet and all, but I'm carnivorous, and your ears look delicious.

 

by shmool
8-28-10
Excuse me Maura, may I have a word with you?
Of course, Clango. How can I be of assistance?
Well, it appears I've recently become self-aware, and I now realize that I'm in love with you.
Oh dear, I don't know what to say.
The way you always polish my chassis, I assumed you felt the same.
You ever try putting on mascara without a mirror?

 

by shmool
8-28-10
Hey bro, thanks for coming by. I just saw a special about cats on public television. It taught me a lot about you, but I also learned a few things about myself.
I realized while I was watching it that my heart has always been so filled with hate, I never really saw you as an individual with feelings. I hope I can get past that now.

 

by shmool
8-28-10
It's a legal notice. My great aunt Bea just passed away.
That's terrible, dude. I am so sorry.
Wow, I knew she was rich, but I had no idea she had so much money.
You know I've always been here for you. Just tell me what you need.
Just kidding, that was just the final notice on my gas bill. Can I borrow ten bucks til payday?
Hold still, asshole.

 

by shmool
8-28-10
You hear that? They say every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.
Reminds of when I was in prison. Guards hooked up a bell to the electric chair. Rang every time they fried someone.
'Cept once, this poor fat bastard just wouldn't die. They had to fry him five times.
Merry Christmas.
So, you think that was five sets of wings, or just the one?

 

fuckin' fairy
goddamn pig
by shmool, 8-29-10

 

by shmool
8-29-10
At this point in the service, I'd like to invite friends and family to share their personal stories and remembrances of the deceased.
I was with my Lester to the very end. He was in so much pain. I held him gently until his eyes closed and he went stiff.
That's what she said.
Then he shit all over my clean sheets.

 

by shmool
8-29-10
I loved the Wild West Show, Cowboy Slim!
Thanks, son. What's your name?
Timmy. So, you replaced the blanks with bullets on purpose, didn't you?
Yes, Timmy, I did. That's mighty sharp of you. So, have you discussed this with anyone but me?
No way! d00d, you pwned that n00b.
Care for a last cigarette, Timmy?

 

by shmool
8-29-10
Hey, doc.
Stan! You're a big Hollywood producer, can I get your opinion on something?
Sure.
Thanks. So, Which would make for the best set-up for a story: a guy with a debilitating, incurable illness, or a guy with a horrific flesh-eating disease and only one day to live?
Oh, definitely the flesh-eating disease. Very dramatic. Doc, I didn't know you were creative!
I'm not. But as a writer, you're going to LOVE your prognosis!

 

by shmool
8-29-10
So why don't you ever tell me about your novel?
You know I hate talking about art. It's impossible to capture the nuances of the written word in a conversation.
Well, how would you summarize it? Pretend I'm a publisher.
OK, it's about these space aliens that can only survive by drinking semen. So, they disguise themselves as beautiful, buxom women and seduce Earth's men.
Wouldn't they have the technology to sedate people and remove seminal fluid with a syringe?
Honestly, sometimes I wonder if you have a romantic bone in your entire body.

 

by shmool
8-29-10
Please explain the Earth concept known as the "comic strip".
Whew, OK. It's like a tiny slice of time, a brief intimate moment.
Is it like an Earth hug or kiss?
No, less intimate than that. The author and reader likely haven't met, and don't see each other face-to-face.
Like forced anal probing in an Earth bar restroom?
Yes, but Cathy Guisewite recently announced she's retiring.

 

by shmool
8-30-10
So Bob, did you get lucky last night?
Sure did, Stan! Not quite a "10", but definitely a solid six or seven!
You think you'll see her again?
I doubt it.
I'm sorry to hear that, Bob.
It's OK, Stan. I won't get the key to the morgue again until next month. I'm sure she'll be long gone by then.

 

by shmool
8-30-10
Why'd you get kicked out of the house?
Me? I wasn't kicked out. I get let out whenever I claw at the door. Why'd you get kicked out?
They say I peed on the Master's bed.
You should know better. That is a very comfy mattress.
Like I said, I was framed.
Not to mention absorbent.

 

by shmool
8-30-10
Oooh, my head! What time is it?
It's around 4:00am. You passed out under the pool table again.
Could be worse. At least it's all I can drink until the place opens again.
I would think the vivid hallucinations are cause for some concern.
Delirium tremens? Pshaw, I'm way too drunk for that!
You wish! You've been sleeping face down in highly toxic industrial floor cleaner all night.

 

For the last time, I am never going to add you to my PvP 3 vs 3 team. Your gear is crap and you don't even use macros. It's like this is just a game to you.
Can I have your room when you're committed?
by shmool, 9-03-10

 

by shmool
9-06-10
HEAR NO EVIL
SEE NO EVIL
SPAY NO EVIL
Nobody forced you to convert to Judaism

 

by shmool
9-06-10
Spare some change? I haven't eaten in a week.
Sorry bro, left my wallet at home.
Is that a giant sack of money you're carrying?
Yes.
Mr. Boss, when is next break?
Friday. Come over here and let me stand on your head, I can't reach the top shelf.

 

by shmool
9-14-10
Beauregard, what did you decide for your Halloween costume? I'm going as General Robert E. Lee. It's going to be AWESOME.
I'm not sure yet. I was thinking maybe a hippie or a ghost. Or a robot.
Damn it, Beauregard! You're such an asshole.
What?
I'm Confederate President Jefferson Davis

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