All comics by Artymus

Profile

 

by Artymus
3-30-07
Dude, earlier today this voice came from the sky and spoke to me.
What did it say?
It said he was God! So I dropped to my knees and screamed "Oh lord, we are so troubled here, can you give us your infinite wisdom?"
...and what did he say?
There was a pause for a moment and I figured I was having a flashback; but then his thunderous voice arose and said "WEAR YOUR SEATBELT!"
...

 

by Artymus
3-30-07
What are you doing for your project on religion?
I'm recreating the crucifixion of Jesus.
Wow, that's uber life like... What did you use, plaster?
No it's Joe the homeless guy on maple.

 

by Artymus
3-30-07
Before we do this there is something you should know...
Don't worry baby, whatever it is, it can wait.
Harder, HARDER, SLAP MY ASS!
Your so fucking tight, mmmmhhh.
So what did you want to tell me?
I have AIDS...

 

by Artymus
3-30-07
Little girl, how old are you?
8
I need you to be honest, has someone forced you to prostitute yourself?
yes
Ok, I know its been rough but I need you to hold it together and tell me one more thing.... how much?

 

by Artymus
3-30-07
Dude you know that new documentary, Heroes on NBC... I think I'm one of those people.
Man that's a fictional show, you don't have superpowers... but if you do, prove it. Whats your power?
I have supersight and I'll show you... See that squirrel way over there.
No
See, I told you
...

 

Doctor, is my mom gonna be ok?
No I'm not a doctor... but I did stay a Holiday Inn Express last night.
by Artymus, 3-30-07

 

by Artymus
3-30-07
I LOVE SQUIRRELS, SQUIRRELS, SQUIRRELS.
I thought we told him the band broke up 8 years ago.
No, we just got high instead.
This message was brought to you by the Alcohol and Pharmaceutical Industries
So remember kids, Drugs can lead to your friends rocking out to parodied songs way too long.

 

by Artymus
3-30-07
Why Pirates hate Ninjas...
FUCK YOU

 

by Artymus
3-30-07
Why all Chineese kids are good in math...
What's the square root of 11730625
3425
Your turn, what's 625 times 874
... I don't know ...
Where did Ling go?

 

by Artymus
3-30-07
Where are we?
I don't know, last thing I remember is Santa's sled crashing.
You're in Hell, only people who were saved by Jesus Christ can goto Heaven
OMG, Hey Prancer you here that... We're in Hell!
So why is Santa here too?
I molested children.

 

What did the Amish man say to the Arabian man?
nice beard
by Artymus, 3-30-07

 

by Artymus
3-30-07
Kaddar, there's something I have to tell you.
What it is Blue? You can tell me anything.
I... I... I'm gay.
It's okay man, the truth is... well... I'm gay too.
APRIL FOOLS!
fuck

 

Excuse me, I'm looking for a North Hills High School.
You're in luck, I was skipping but Ive decided to head over there right now.
by Artymus, 3-30-07

 

by Artymus
3-30-07
the night before
the morning after

 

Three Boobs... Nice.
by Artymus, 3-30-07

 

will you be my wife?
can't you see i'm busy
by Artymus, 3-30-07

 

Lost in Translation
NOW GIVE ME YOUR BOOTY!
I thought you'd never ask.
by Artymus, 3-30-07

 

Got any good dead baby jokes?
by Artymus, 3-30-07

 

Gay
by Artymus, 3-30-07

 

Give us your Sunny Delight
by Artymus, 3-30-07

 

Let's see some ass!
by Artymus, 3-30-07

 

by Artymus
3-30-07
Hi Mr. Reynolds
Sorry Smokey, We have to let you go. The government says you target children.
But I have way too much cancer left to give.

 

So your going to suck me off, AND pay me... FUCK YEA
by Artymus, 3-30-07

 

Did you see that new Surreal Life.
What a couple whores.
by Artymus, 3-30-07

 

by Artymus
3-30-07
So I was like, no way your saying this is my fault, I totally told you not to wear that dress...
...and she totally like slept with him again, I mean omg like gross...
...it's just not fair ya know, i mean i try so hard to make them proud but...

 

you're eighteen right?
by Artymus, 3-30-07

 

by Artymus
3-31-07
You know that new documentary Heroes on NBC...
Dude just stop, Big Evil Dan just tried to do this trick to me.
No seriously, I have some crazy mind powers.
Sure, like I'm going...
believe... that...

 

by Artymus
3-31-07
I'm so depressed.
Do you have change for a dollar?
It's like nobody understands the pain I feel ripping at my insides on an hourly basis
Or if I could just borrow fifty cents, this machine doesnt take bills.
you know sometimes I just want to cuddle and be stroked like a cute little bunny rabbit

 

by Artymus
3-31-07
---THIS IS YOUR BRAIN---
Did anyone ever stop and say 'Hey, maybe we shouldn't pollute and destroy our fragile ecosystem.'
---THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON MTV---
Wanna see my tramp stamp?

 

You left a red sock in the washer again didn't you?
...Sorry
by Artymus, 3-31-07

 

by Artymus
3-31-07
what did the elephant say to the giraffe?
i dont know, what?
whats the deal with the long neck and stuff, what is this like some kind of evolution contest for the longest neck, i mean cmon, its long enough, your 3 inches from being a freak show.

 

by Artymus
3-31-07
Cindy I just love your new haircut.
Thanks, I just had it done at this rave new stylist on 3rd.
Well wherever you had it done, it looks simply fantastic.
I know, now I'm even more beautiful, well I have to run hun so I'll chat with ya lata.
Bitch...

 

It's gettin smokey in here man.
I had a cat named Smokey.
by Artymus, 3-31-07

 

LEAVE ME BE!
by Artymus, 3-31-07

 

by Artymus
3-31-07
Watch out for the bottomless pit on the right.
Where did Billy go?

 

by Artymus
3-31-07
Group! I just received word a mass murderer, who is reportedly extremely racist, has entered the cave.
You've got to be fuckin kiddin me

 

by Artymus
3-31-07
I hate white people.
...

 

by Artymus
3-31-07
Right about here we found the bodies of twelve miners.
Did you just touch my ass?

 

by Artymus
3-31-07
The temperature stays a constant 58 degrees down here.
Seriously Kaddar, I think we should go look for Billy.
No bother, I pushed him down that hole

 

Have you seen my dog?
I ate him.
by Artymus, 3-31-07

 

by Artymus
3-31-07
Back in 1972 we used to come down here and throw rocks randomly into the dark for fun
Don't be alarmed but there's a floating pirate head behind you

 

by Artymus
3-31-07
Hi, my name is Kadar and instead of the tour we're gonig to be putting together garage door openers, which are highly flammable, so safety first.
I think he's a terrorist.
SHHH, this field trip is for a grade and I can't hear what he's saying.

 

I smile like this because I'm high on crack
and where can i find this 'crack'
by Artymus, 3-31-07

 

by Artymus
3-31-07
Can I have 5 bucks?
Get a job vagrant.
I'll suck your dick.
Ok but hurry, I have to go foreclose some families' home.

 

by Artymus
3-31-07
Sir, I hav... Ocifer I hav n no way ben... ben usin da rock.
Rock? I'm here on reports of you going down on people for 10 bucks, that's illegal and I have to take you in.
Dose weports r fabwikated, it was fo 5 dollas
Well in that case...

 

I see your dressing better.
Hello... Brother.
by Artymus, 4-01-07

 

by Artymus
4-01-07
Robo, I thought I told you to plant those flowers.
I feel I'm not duely compensated for my efforts.
Your a robot, you don't have rights... now get to plantin'.

 

this is some good acid
by Artymus, 4-01-07

 

by Artymus
4-01-07
Have you seen my baby?
Do you mean the small noisy being moving aimlessly?
With the blue jumpsuit and adorable smile!
Affirmative, it was malfunctioning and leaking yellow fluid so I disabled it and tossed it to a shark.
what?

 

by Artymus
4-05-07
What's the funniest thing you've ever seen?
I saw blind people racing once.
What's so funny about that?
The finish line was across the interstate.

Showing page 1.

Next »