All comics by CHUBBY

 

by CHUBBY
9-12-04
How's your sister? I haven't seen her since high school. Is she still--
Fat? Well, a few years ago, her boyfriend put her on a diet and she lost a TON of weight. She had always been too fat before to wear my hand-me-downs.
Really?
Then I get pregnant and she's wearing my clothes. Then she got married and got fat again. But since the baby, she's been wearing my hand-me-downs again.
But you look like you lost your baby weight.
I did. she's wearing my MATERNITY CLOTHES!

 

by CHUBBY
9-14-04
Hey, Slick Willie! It's long distance from California!
It shore is!
No, it's Hollywood! They want to buy the movie rights to your memoirs!
I wonder who it is. Spielberg? Lucas? Disney?
No, BOB GUCCIONE!
DOH!

 

by CHUBBY
9-14-04
I wonder who they'll get to play me in the movie.
Brad Pitt? George Clooney? Matt Damon?
You know the fat guy on "Yes, Dear"?
DOH!

 

by CHUBBY
9-14-04
And now, with an opposing point of view, here's Emily Litella.
What's all this I hear about Dubya fighting a war with the arachnids? Why? What did they ever do to him? And how do they get guns in their tiny hands? And another thing...
Uh, Miss Litella, that's Iraqis-- not arachnids.
Iraqis? Well, what are they?
They're a form of arthropod.
Oh, well, that's different, isn't it? Never mind.

 

by CHUBBY
9-14-04
Welcome to the all-new Opie and Anthony Show! Things sure have changed a lot since we were on the radio last, haven't they, Ope?
That's right, Ant. But the new O & A Show is going to be just as wild and crazy as the old one. Right, Ant?
Right, Ope. Today on "Sacraments for Sam", we are going to give $5 to the first couple that has communion in St. Pat's Cathedral!
That's right, Ant. Thanks to Jim Koch of Sam Adams Brewing for sponsoring our contest. And joining us in studio now is Jim Koch!
I am NOT here right now. In fact, we've never even met.

 

by CHUBBY
9-14-04
Terrible. Heartbreaking.
We've got to release these photos to the public right away. They've got to see why we're fighting over there.
Sir, those were the Abu Ghraib tapes. The Nick Berg tape is next.
Oh, it is? Wait. Play that last one again, then. Hehe.

 

by CHUBBY
9-14-04
True Fact: McDonald's divides its customers into two demographics.
Users.
Heavy users.

 

by CHUBBY
9-14-04
Dubya claims to be of the party of Lincoln.
Lincoln tried civilians in military tribunals; violated the Bill of Rights; ignored Supreme Court rulings, and drove the US into debt with his pursuit of an undeclared war.
Hey, Dubya, do you enjoy the live theatre, too?
Sic semper tyrannus!

 

by CHUBBY
9-14-04
In a moving ceremony at the opening of the National Museum of the American Indian, Dubya repatriates the skull of Geronimo stolen by his Pop-pop.

 

by CHUBBY
9-14-04
2010: The year we make burgers.
American restaurants open on every streetcorner in Iraq.
(Did somebody say Dubya?)

 

by CHUBBY
9-14-04
Remember back in the day, when Dubya showed up on the aircraft carrier in his little flight suit and everybody said it would be used in campaign ads?
They were right.
KERRY FOR PRESIDENT!

 

by CHUBBY
9-14-04
DUBYA FOR PRESIDENT!
Re-elect him again for the first time!
Paid for by blood money from the Bin-Ladens and "Dick's" Halliburton clients, Saddam and Kadafy.

 

by CHUBBY
9-14-04
On June 24, "Dick" Cheney, Vice-President of the United States, President of the Senate, and once and future CEO of Halliburton, said the following to Senator Patrick Leahy on the floor of the Senate.
FUCK YOU!
He was caught on tape by C-Span, charged with violating the Decency in Broadcasting Act, and fined $500,000.

 

by CHUBBY
9-14-04
Ethiopia has suffered through twenty years of famine, drought, disease, war, and revolution.
What do the Ethiopians need most? Food? Water? Money? Medicine? Arms? Eyeglasses?
Rubbers. The NET population increase has been 50%.

 

by CHUBBY
9-14-04
Hello, I'm Dr. Mark Eastman. Are you afraid of the dentist? Have you put off going to the dentist for five, ten, twenty years? With Painless Sedation Dentistry, you have nothing to fear.
We give you a pill and you slip into a dreamlike state. You awake refreshed, with no memory of what happened. Most people experience no side effects, although some can't sit down for a few days.
Painless Sedation Dentistry-- Go down the Cahoulawassee River a ways, and turn right at the albino kid with the banjo. "Painless Sedation Dentistry: You shore have a purty mouth."

 

by CHUBBY
9-14-04
Have you ever been in the cockpit of a plane before, Mohammed?
No, but I've been inside a Turkish prison.

 

by CHUBBY
9-14-04
I just want to learn how to steer the country.
I don't have to know how to land it safely.
Once again, American intelligence is caught napping as Islamic extremists infiltrate the new Iraqi government.

 

by CHUBBY
9-14-04
Dubya hits the campaign trail.
I've got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is I've created jobs!
The bad news is, they're in Iraq.

 

by CHUBBY
9-14-04
H. Dubya
Dubya
Jenna Dubya
Please spay or neuter your Republican presidents. Because three generations of imbeciles is enough.

 

by CHUBBY
9-14-04
"Dick" and Dubya are questioning Kerry's war record.
He has one.
SHUT THE FUCK UP!

 

by CHUBBY
9-15-04
Vote for "Dick" & Dubya!
You know these guys never threw away any medals they won for heroism in combat!
Paid for by the Committee to Re-Elect the Incumbent in November (CRETIN)

 

by CHUBBY
9-15-04
Eenie meanie, chili beanie, the firing is about to begin!
Is it friendly fire?
Friendly? Why, it killed Art Tillman, didn't it?

 

by CHUBBY
9-15-04
"Professional Courtesy"
And the question is...
Why did Dubya pardon the Thanksgiving turkey?

 

by CHUBBY
9-15-04
2002.
Dubya, why do you want to invade Iraq?
9/11.
2003.
There is no evidence connecting Saddam to 9/11. Why do you want to invade Iraq?
WMD's.
2004.
No WMD's have been found and none ever will be. Why did you invade Iraq?
LOVE ME, DADDY!

 

by CHUBBY
9-15-04
You want fries with that?
No thanks, I'm on a diet.
Did you know the courts recently ruled that french fries are a vegetable?
Really? Gimme a supersize-fry, then!
Somewhere in hell, Ronald Reagan smiles.

 

by CHUBBY
9-15-04
"Dubya: The Second Term"
Invoking his "mandate from the people", Dubya bombs vineyards in John Kerry's ancestral Normandy.
It's all part of his "War on Terroir".

 

by CHUBBY
9-15-04
Theresa Heinz Kerry was a beloved Republican widow.
But when she married John Kerry, she suddenly became a golddigger, a lesbian, a guest in our country, and a funder of terrorists.
Also, did you know ketchup causes cancer?

 

by CHUBBY
9-15-04
"Who will help me invade Iraq?", said the Little Red Dubya. "Not I", said Francois Frog. "Not I", said Boris Bear. "Not I", said Jerry Shepherd. "I'll do it myself", said the Little Red Dubya.
"Who will help me rebuild Iraq?", asked the Little Red Dubya. "I will", said Francois Frog. "I will", said Boris Bear. "I will", said Jerry Shepherd. "I'll do it myself", said the Little Red Dubya.
"Who will help me keep the peace in post-war Iraq", said the Little Red Dubya. Can you guess what the other animals said?
DO IT YOURSELF!

 

by CHUBBY
9-15-04
Dubya! What's the difference between John Edwards and "Dick" Cheney?
Oh boy, a riddle! Me like riddles!
No, I'm from the press. What's the difference between John Edwards and "Dick" Cheney?
"Dick" Cheney can be president. Next.
Dubya! Followup question. What's the difference between John Edwards and you?
"Dick" Cheney can be president. Next.

 

by CHUBBY
9-15-04
What's the difference between Osama Bin-Laden and "Dick" Cheney?
One is a greedy, venal, murderous, oil-rich, power-hungry, fundamentalist madman hiding in an undisclosed location bent on world domination, subjugation of women, and turning the clock back centuries.
The other is a Muslim.
I resemble that remark!

 

by CHUBBY
9-15-04
Funnyman Bill Cosby has gotten a lot of press recently for his statements about black parents and their children, his best stuff since his doctoral thesis on Fat Albert.
Let's set the Wabac Machine for 1984, Sherman. Bill Cosby is making $100 million a year. An organization in Western MA (where he lives) asks him for a donation of $200. He refuses.
And rightly so. How else would he be able to grab headlines today, after five busted tv series?

 

by CHUBBY
9-15-04
A crack ho's baby is rescued by do-gooders. She grows up to endure abuse and numerous physical and mental problems. She drops out of school and runs away.
She joins the stable of a pimp, who addicts her to crack and impregnates her.
Denied access to a morning-after pill or abortion, she gives the baby up, where she is rescued by do-gooders. (REPEAT AD NAUSEAM)

 

by CHUBBY
9-15-04
Why waste years and millions of dollars on special prosecutors, impeachment hearings, and Senate trials? Vote for Lyndon LaRouche! He comes pre-indicted, pre-convicted, and pre-incarcerated!
No other candidate can make this claim-- even Dubya! (As of 9/15).
And for Vice-President: James Traficant, Jr., #31213-060.

 

by CHUBBY
9-15-04
Rummy on the troops:
People are fungible!*
*Replaceable, interchangeable.
So are Secretaries of Defense.

 

by CHUBBY
9-15-04
I'm sick of all this talk about gay marriage! They demean the institution! The other day I told my wife marriage is a sacred bond between one heterosexual man and one heterosexual woman!
But hey, look who I'm talking to. You've probably said the same thing to your wife, right?
Mmmph.
What's that? Speak up! I can't hear you, Rev!

 

by CHUBBY
9-15-04
Dubya, I'm resigning as head of the CIA in order to spend more time with my son, John Michael.
John Michael? It's Daddy! You down there? What's new, son?
NOTHING, DAD! DON'T COME DOWN HERE!

 

by CHUBBY
9-15-04
"The XXX-Files"
You know, Doggett, I can't believe Dubya has us watching porn when there are so many more important things the FBI should be doing, like chasing UFO's and werewolves.
I think it's important work. If some impressionable kid saw this gay porn, for instance, it could turn him into a gay. It won't happen to me because I have a strong character.
Whatever. Good night.
Night.
Hi, I'm Fox Mulder. I'm looking for Scully.
He's cute...

 

by CHUBBY
9-15-04
Of all the reserve units, why would the army send the 373rd Military Police Command of Cresaptown, MD-- a unit with no experience, no instruction, no real supervision-- to guard Iraqi POWS?
A unit made up of Klansmen, perverts, and hillbillies.Didn't the army realize what would happen if these losers were given the power of life or death over people they considered "Sand Ni--"
Oh. Duh.

 

by CHUBBY
9-15-04
Although she was born in Africa and is a naturalized American citizen, Theresa Heinz Kerry is criticized for calling herself an "African-American" by...
...people who are proud of the Africans' achievements, like the Sphinx, the Pyramids, and Abu Simbel...
...all built by Egyptians, who are white.

 

by CHUBBY
9-16-04
Someone in Calcutta has opened a school to teach lovemaking.
Was there really a need for this? India already has 800 million people fercrissake.
I mean, c'mon Hajji, put a turban on the little head, too!

 

by CHUBBY
9-16-04
Hey Fatty! Are you tired of waddling to the kitchen for a rich, fatty snack every time a commercial comes on?
Are you sick of missing whole reels-- hell, whole movie marathons-- because your lard ass is parked in front of the fridge while you stuff your fat face with fattening food?
Get the new TV-in-a-fridge!

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
Well, gentlemen, we have two architectural designs for the new Abu Ghraib prison, and I thought it best if the architects themselves explained the advantages of their particular designs.
Good morning, gentlemen. The prisoners enter here, and are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort toward the rotating knives. The blood pours down these chutes here and--
Do I take it you are proposing to slaughter our prisoners?
Does that not fit into your plans?
No, it's great. I just wish we had had this last month when Nick Berg was here. Christ, what a fuckin' mess that was!

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF IRAQI & BUSHWINKLE!
Hey, Iraqi! Watch me pull a rationalization out of my ass!
Again? But Bushwinkle, this trick, she is never working!
Nothin' up mah sleeve-- PRESTO!
HI! I'M NICK BERG!
And now, here is something that will please you much.

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
In BIZZAROWORLD, the presidential election goes to the candidate with FEWER votes!
Hi, I'm Dubya.
In BIZZAROWORLD, Al-Qaeda's attack on America is avenged by taking out Al-Qaeda's arch-enemy!
I'm Saddam.
In BIZZAROWORLD, the commander-in-chief is a SLACKER and a DESERTER!

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
In BIZZAROWORLD, the U.S. liberators are welcomed not with cheers and flowers, but with death and mutilation!
In BIZZAROWORLD, more troops die AFTER the war than DURING!
In BIZZAROWORLD, those who want to bring our boys home are called "anti-military" while those who want to keep them in harm's way are "for the troops"!

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
In BIZZAROWORLD, a Faux News Network is considered "fair and balanced"!
Coming up: Dubya-- Giant or Demi-God?
And John Kerry-- was he the "21st hijacker"?
In BIZZAROWORLD, the opposition candidate, a decorated war hero, has his military record questioned by a SLACKER and a DESERTER!
I'm "Dick". I had better things to do than go to Vietnam.
I'm Dubya. I got into the National Guard thru the old boy network, and then deserted.
In BIZZAROWORLD, the opposition candidate is criticized for being rich and white-- by two assholes who are richer and almost completely clear!
I was born a poor black child.
What he said.

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
In BIZZAROWORLD, every time the opposition candidate's numbers go up, SO DOES THE TERROR ALERT LEVEL!
In BIZZAROWORLD, the opposition candidate's wife is accused of funding terrorists-- although the hijackers got their money from THE INCUMBENT'S "SISTER-IN-LAW"!
I'm Theresa Heinz Kerry.
I'm Princess Haifa Al-Faisal, wife of Bandar Bush. You like my work?
In BIZZAROWORLD, the Secretary of Defense is a confessed war criminal who sold the enemy THE VERY WMD'S WE WENT TO WAR OVER!
Thank you, Rummy.
You're welcome, Saddam.

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
In BIZZAROWORLD, the guys Dick and Dubya call America's biggest enemies are THEIR FORMER BUSINESS PARTNERS!
I'm Osama. I'm a Shi'ite.
I'm Saddam. You sure are.
In BIZZAROWORLD, a dead tyrant is eulogized as a great leader-- EVEN THOUGH HE SOLD ARMS TO THE TWO ASSHOLES IN THE LAST PANEL!
Well, there you go again.
IN BIZZAROWORLD, the National Guard has been called up, reservists' tours have been extended, vets have been reactivated-- BUT THE ATTORNEY-GENERAL'S SON IS BROUGHT HOME FROM IRAQ!
Aren't you glad you don't live in-- BIZZAROWORLD?

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
You loved THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST in the theatre. Now get TPOX: THE SPECIAL EDITION! Chock-full of extras! Bloopers reel! Interviews with actual audience members!
The last movie I went to see? TRUE GRIT. Who am I voting for? Dubya, of course!
Commentary by Hutton Gibson, Mel's white trash supremacist West Virginia trailer dwelling bottom-feeding nutjob dad!
The Holocaust never happened-- not that there's anything wrong with it. 'Cause Christ was killed by the Jeeeyuuus.
Plus, scenes from the OBERAMMERGAU, the original passion play that stirred the anti-semitic pot in 1930's Germany.
SPECIAL BONUS: an interview with Mel Himself.
LOVE ME, DADDY!
And of course, lots of Easter eggs!

 

by CHUBBY
9-17-04
Dubya for the persecution.
Hello, Boss!
You're an impostorizor! Saddam has no beard!
This? I grew it in the spiderhole. I kept it because the chicks dig it!
You're in an all-male prison.
They told me they were chicks.

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